5 questions of life.

day 94.

is a week without inspiration.
almost like a floating kite in the air traveling without direction.
the air is life.and the kite is me.

many things have changed.but still.everything feels just the same.

what is lost has been found.and what is found has been lost.
and from there.i am back to where i was.

and life is not merely something you can grasp with your physicals.
but it must also be experienced by your emotions.
so to know what i have found and what i have lost.i must experience it first.
and no one did say.experiencing what we don't know is easy.

so from there.day 94 feels almost the same like day 1.
therefore today,i decided to redefine everything again....
redefine life.....again.simply with questions and answers.

and the re-definition starts with.

question 1.
what is life?
if it was day 1.i would say.
life is a chance.
a chance to live.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
life is a gift.
a gift from God.

question 2.
how to live a life?
if it was day 1.i would say.
live the way you want to live it.to the fullest.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
live the way God would want you to live it.to the most beneficial.

question 3.
when does life begin?
if it was day 1.i would say.
it begins the minute you appreciate the world more than anything.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
it begins the minute you appreciate God.more than anything.

question 4.
how does a life end?
if it was day 1.i would say.
it ends with memories that you,yourself made.bad or good.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
it ends with only one reason.a reason to end it as a servant.a good servant.to only one God.

question 5.
where does a life lead to?
if it was day 1.i would say.
a life is leaded by the one who owns it.and we humans decide where we lead it to.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
a life leads only to one direction.to meet a God.and to be with a God.in a state of one's clean self.

so.for a moment of day 94.i almost answered those questions i asked like how i would answer on day 1.
but this time.many things feel the same.but everything has just changed.

at the end,one thing i realised,what makes day 94 different from day 1.inspite of it feeling the same.is that.
i may have answered day 94 and day 1.the same.but for day 94.i have a different reason behind each answer.
and behind every answer.i have a faith.and behind all that.is a faith towards a God.

so to question 1.
if we treat life as a chance.we tend to abuse that chance.because chance can come countless of times in so many ways.
but if we treat it as a gift.we tend to value it.because a particular gift is not something you can get countless of times in what so ever way.

so to question 2.
if we live life the way we want it to the fullest.it does not mean.we have grasp perfect happiness.because humans are far from being perfect themselves.so how is it possible for them to produce such perfect happiness.
but if we live life the way God wants it,to the most beneficial.then only the Most Beneficient of all.God.Can give the most perfect benefits from all.

so to question 3.
if we begin life with the appreciation towards the world and nothing more.then we will miss out what the hereafter has to offer.
but if we begin life with the appreciation towards God.and only God.then He will offer the world and the hereafter for us to experience the bliss to it all.

so to question 4.
if we end life with just memories.then we are among those who sits and looks at blessedness but never get to experience it.because all we have are just memories.and nothing more.
but if we end life with a reason.to be the best servant to a God.then we are among those who sits.looks.and experiences His blessedness.up until the end.

so to question 5.
if we let ourselves lead this life towards the worldly purposes.then we open it to the path full of flaws.simply because the world is filled with mistakes.
but if we lead it to one ending.with God in the journey and God as the ending.then we open it to the path full of perfection.simply because,God does not make mistakes.

so to the lost reason of life that i have found.and to the found mistakes of life that i have lost.
may the days ahead be clearer than the days before.
and i pray the same for all of you.
Amin.

The Honey Trees - Moon River (The LoFi Sessions)

and all i want to do.is just seat.and wait for the day.because now.i can.

between the heart.and the body.

day 93.
are letters of the heart and the body.

Dear heart,

answer my questions.for what i have now are only questions.and nothing more.

to dear heart,
where have you gone to?
have you lost your way.
because lately i feel you not.

to dear heart,
why are you so empty?
have you nothing to fill it with.
because lately i sense that you are lonely.

to dear heart,
how have you been feeling?
have you left everything.
because lately i feel nothing.

and.

to dear heart,
when will you beat again?
have you forgotten how to.
because lately without you.what is a body?

sincerely,
the body that moves.

the heart replied.

Dear body,

to your questions.I answer.and nothing less.

to dear body,
i am here.but lost.
only because.i lost God's only map.
i lost the words of Quran.

to dear body,
yes.i am empty.
only because.i drain myself from one thing that matters to God.
i drained my faith.

to dear body,
i am unwell.
only because.i left my only healer.
i left my God.

to dear body,
i have stopped beating.
only because.i was beating for the wrong reason.
for the world.and only the world.

sincerely,
the heart that feels.

and today my heart and my body taught me.
to not be lost.keep Quran as the map.
to not be lonely.keep faith as my company.
to not be unwell.keep God as the Healer.
and to not be dead.keep the world as just a world.and nothing more.

to all.may your hearts do not feel lost.lonely.unwell.and dead.

a burning.a path.and a friend.

day 92.

memories burnt.
an open wide path.
and a good friend that remains as a friend.

and after many days of not knowing how to write without including heartache in every word that came out.finally.i think its about time i start to reevaluate my purpose and not dwell in sorrows.because nothing is ever permanent and perfect in this world.and sorrow is too.
so to sorrow that came.you are not permanent.nor are you perfect.so be gone.for you are not any where near to have the perfect invisibility.
so for Tuesday.i detached myself with what is left of the materialistic memories.and at the end of it.words of a true friend became a true admonition to this dear self.

'you,and only you can let it go.for whatever is left inside'

so ask not the world to change.ask yourself to change first.

so from there,in the middle of burning memories and watching it turning to ashes.for what was once just a particle became a particle again.and as the flame grew bigger,i began burning everything that is left inside this flesh.covered by these ribs.sealed by this skin.
of mine.
too.

and at the end of a Tuesday.

memories burnt.
a path is opened wide
and a remaining good friend stood by.

simply because.
those things i burnt.may actually be the thing that would rescue me from the real burning of God.the burning of hell.
simply because.
that opened path.i took.may actually be the path that brings me to the one side that matters.the side of God.
and simply because.
the good friend that remained.i keep.may actually be the one that will put a smile to a face here.and the hereafter.

so to a cleansing Tuesday.bring along those burnt memories together with you.for i promise.there will never be this sort of Tuesday again.
to all.burn what is needed before you forget that there is hell.
to all.walk the right path before you lose your track to the heaven.
and to all.keep close a good company before Satan becomes the only company you have.

a sign of an ending.

day 91.

is a really tough day.
a friend is lost for good.and a surprise was received.

a black neo that drove beside me today made this heart stopped for a moment.
and what i saw is something that i wished i never did.
but hey,God surprises us in so many ways.
and mine is today.

today a black neo that passed by with a stranger i once knew.became a surprise that shall be the sign.
and this time.God is indeed with me.and i should tell myself...what more sign do you seek for?
isn't what is shown enough?and today.a decision is finally made.

a final decision that now i knew.i shall close my heart forever.for this stranger i once knew.
simply because.he will never change.even a little.

so today i learnt.if you pray hard enough for a sign.
God is there to fulfill it.and so happen.mine was today.

and now finally.i have a decision.
and may this be the right one.

so to a Monday that came.may this be the start of something new. :)

decision.

day 90.

is 10 more days before day 100.

and a decision need to be made.and i'm lost in between.
a stranger that i never knew or a stranger that i knew.

which ever it is.they remain as strangers.
and making a life decision is not easy.
but a stranger i knew made it easy by showing the true colour.
and that colour i saw shall not make my day a colourful day ahead.

so a decision need to be made.and i am still not asleep because of that.
and how i wish.life is as easy as riding a bike.
but then again.is riding a bike easy?
now.that i need to know.

so for Sunday that came quite early.i wish i will get some sort of sign.though i know i deserve it not.but hey God surprises you in so many ways.and maybe mine is today :)

war

day 89.

is a day at home.
with nothing else to do but feeling glad that i still have a roof over my head and i can call it home.

yesterday was fun.a chance to be with an old good friend is a blessed.
and in spite of all the differences that we had.one thing remained.we are still friends :)

today as i woke up.i realised that everyone is at war.
yes.WAR.

6 billion people is at war.
a very important war.
a really hard war to win.
a long war indeed.

and this time.
its not a war between humans.
its not a war between extraterrestials.
its not a war between animals.
it is simply.

a war with oneself.

a war of trying to fight the silent transgression of ourselves.
a war of trying to coupe with the never ending ungratefulness of us.
a war of trying to resist the temptation that the world has to serve.
a war of trying to defend the true reason behind our existence.a servant of God.
a war of trying to understand that the world is for us to borrow not to own.
and a war of trying to be a human and nothing more.

and yes.we are at war.everyday.every second.of our being.and some of us.may not even realise it.
but what confused me is that.in spite of a great war that we face for each time we open our eyes,why do we yet seek for other wars to battle in?
isn't a war with ourselves enough for us to battle?
have we already won the nature of transgression,ungratefulness,temptation,false understanding in ourselves that we search for other wars to fight in?
have we fought hard enough with our own war until we have time to create other wars?

so.today.i learnt.that each and everyone of us is at war.a war that is actually worth battling in.a war that is actually worth in the eyes of God.
a war of trying to be a good servant that we should have.
a war of trying to defend our pure souls against the worldly lusts.
a war of trying to digest well that this world is just a pit stop.and nothing more.

so.today.i figured.if we really fight well in this war.we would not even have time to create other wars then what is already within us.
because sometimes.what we need to fight is really something from within.not just what is on the surface.
so lets start winning the war in ourselves first instead of looking of what sort of war that the outside has to offer.
simply because.you are your own self nation.
and if you win your heart,your mind,and your limbs.you are the ruler of your future.

"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perri (Sam Tsui Cover)

and sometimes i use song like this to say what need to be said.because i will be fine afterall.



I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes

I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

my eyes or His?

day 88.

is a day yet i get to live.

an exploration with good friends was done today.and suddenly i feel i am still apart of the city.and i will not trade that for anything.

and a phone call received yesterday's night was not pleasing to the mind nor the heart.
and a closure that is needed is again not achieved.and i am still in the maze of life.

but somehow.not a single tear was dropped though the condition did ask for it.
i am getting stronger bit by bit after all.or maybe i am just getting tired bit by bit.

and these past few days.i feel so far away from God.again.
and i miss Him.i truly do.
and a mistake was done today.
because a wrong question was asked.

where are you God?i asked.

and after awhile a mistake was conceived.
and the shadow of guiltiness covers the arrogance that begins to seep in slowly.

and in a split moment.
a friend's advice crossed my mind.

'God does not leave us.we leave God'.

and ashamed for a moment i was.how could i even think to ask as such.when it is actually me who doesn't know where i truly am in His eyes.

and not Him in my eyes.

and so.today.i feel bad.for having a wrong question to ask.and not having the right answer to give.
simply because.i know not where i stand.
a stand of only a servant.and nothing more.

so dear heart,fix yourself.because you are the only thing i have to show to God when nothing else matters.
may everyone had a better question for a Wednesday that is ending soon.

hey,i am glad :)

day 87.

is a late quite Tuesday morning.

and yesterday was fun.being surrounded with friends gave me a lot more reason that there are still good things left on this earth.
:)

and moving on is now in the list of a neb.and i shall work hard this time because i have not only family and friends behind me,i have God now.and i believe everything happens for a reason.and this time i can see it.and after many words trying to explain that we should be grateful in my last post.i should this time really actually be grateful.because my past shaped my present and determined my future.

and a walk in the mall yesterday made me realise how people take things so lightly.like it matters not.like how i used to be.
and i thought,

Hey,i am glad you left.
Hey,i am glad i was cheated on.
Hey,i am glad i was sad.
Hey,i am glad i took time to heal.
and Hey i am glad you are what you are.

because if it weren't for that.i would still be walking around with sins in the mall.

holding the hand of a guy whom i am not married to.
being in false love with a guy i might no be in love with.
having to bare my skin for a show to a stranger that thinks it should be done.
and having to put my loyalty to a person who is just a servant to a God.

so hey.a walk in the mall helped me to move on to the next level of being grateful.
being grateful that my God gave me pain so that He could protect me.
because after all He is the only Healer and the only Protector.

the one that heals a false love to a veracious one.
and the one that protects a veracious love from the false one

so to lovely Tuesday.lets move towards that road of healing and protecting shall we?

great fullness.

day 86.

is a week ahead.being away made me realise home is where i want to be at.

and a trip to a country reminded me.

that being greatful is the key to enjoy what we have and not be bitter over what we don't.

so through out the journey only one word accompanied me all the way to the ending.

'ungrateful'

yes.ungrateful.that is what we are.silently without us even knowing it.we carry that word without feeling the heavy weight of its consequences.

we carry it as if it is as light as a single feather.

and we parade it as if it worth more than a diamond ring.

a week of journey sadden me,because all i saw was poverty.and nothing more.

but what sadden me even more.is not poverty itself.it is knowing that between poverty we seek wealth and between wealth we seek more.

and at the end.we appreciate not what we get and we long more for what we will never get.

along the journey,i was served with the view of scarcity of life through the windows of the bus that drove along a stretch of line that we can't barely call road.

and one thing came into mind.

i am lucky.

simply because

even though my country...

may not be the world leading nation,

may not have the best government,

may not have the smartest ruler,

may not provide the best health care,

and may not give the best education.

i can still experience a decent stretch of line that i can call road.

and that made me feel lucky.just a stretch of road.

and i realised too,with all the complaints that we give and all the dissatisfaction that we pore with anger.we take not time.to remember what we still have and take a moment to simply say.

Alhamdullilah.

Alhamdullilah.even though we are not a world leading nation.we are still indeed a nation.

and because of that we can still join our hearts to make it even a better one.

Alhamdullilah.even though we may not have the greatest government.we still have a government that cares.but unfortunate of us to not see it because we are too busy being ungrateful almost all the time.

Alhamdullilah.even though we are not blessed with the smartest ruler.we are still given the time to know that the only ruler is One.and He is God.

Alhamdullilah.even though we are not provided with the best health care.we still have God to rely on to.after all isn't He the only One that can remove sickness and befalls it?

and Alhamdullilah.even though we do not have the best education.we still have our brains to differentiate what is right and what is wrong..or maybe we can't any longer?

so with a journey ended.another journey begins.a journey to be a grateful oneself.and to realise.

hey.even when everything is gone.there is still one that will remain.God.

so to everyone.lets start this journey of being grateful because after all it leads to great fullness isn't it? :)

carry.

day 85.

is another Monday now.

and days now pass by like hours...and soon it'll feel like minutes.but still we are in the pseudo chase of time.why so?
a few days before were spent with joy.
and a few days ahead will be spent with joy too.i hope.

and today.a Monday started quite late filled with silence.
and i woke with a less agile mind.

and after a while the word 'carry' came into mind.yes.carry.
of which carry i'm talking about?its the one with the definition of 'to hold or to support'

and if i relate that word with many years of life lived,i would relate it to what,why and how i carry the things in life.

from a word it became a question.

and in the order of what,why and how i answer it.

looking back at how i view life.

the question started with.

what do i carry in life?

maybe everything.but amongst the everything i find not one that is worth a show when life ends.and when God is the only One that is waiting at the end of it.

simply because.i carried nothing that brightens the one thing that is worth a show.iman.

the question goes on.

why do i carry the things i carry in life?

maybe i carry it thinking that this is what i should be carrying...but not knowing that the things i carry worth everything.only to this world.but when it ends.each and everything becomes.nothing.

simply because.i carried everything for the reason of nothing.with the wrong niat'.

and finally.a question ended with.

how do i carry the things i carry in life?

maybe with the wrong way.until to the point,that the lightest thing in life could be the heaviest burden.even until when life itself ends.

simply because.i carried it in the wrong method until it becomes unbearable and soon a waste.

a sinful a'mal.

and what,why and how became more than just a question.

the dimmed light of iman.

the wrong thought of niat'

and the sinful a'mal

are the products of the wrong things to carry in life.for the wrong reason with the wrong way.

so from there i learnt,carry is a big word indeed even with just 4 letters.

because the things that i relate to the word carry itself,determines the ending that i am going to receive.

so i ask myself again.are the things in life i carry now worth the burden that i will bear later?

or should i start leaving things behind so that it'll become light.a light judgement from God when nothing worth more than my,iman,niat' and a'mal.

so Monday is the beginning of many days in making my burden lighter so that when it is God i face.His light judgement will be the one i receive in return.

so people of Monday,why not rethink and repack the things you carry so that it'll be a light journey to a wonderful ending itself.

forgive and forget or is it forget and forgive?

day 84.

is a very early Saturday.and another week has passed by.
and a few more weeks left.and i'll be fine :)
time difference is still an issue.but not a big one.i'll coop with it sooner or later.

and a word of wisdom came from an aunt yesterday.
"whatever it is,vengeance must not be the key to the door of forgiveness"

and looking back at it again.theres a whole lot of truth in it.

and sometimes we humans say we forgive but we don't forget.and that phrase ' don't forget' is the gate to the land full of vengeance.

and i myself particularly fail to practice this forgive and forget.simply because it-is-not-easy.

and ever wonder why it is so?

and this came to mind.

pick a subject.take the book of the subject.memorise it.and you will.
take a week to stop.and try rephrasing it.and you won't be able.
because when you.

picked a subject.
took a book.
memorised it.

you did it spontaneously.linking only your brain cells,utilising only a portion of your brain i call the memory bank.
so its easy to forget because you used your brain and only your brain to do it.

but now instead of just using your brain.link it to your emotion.
and when you do that.be it weeks later.a memory is no longer a memory,it is now a feeling.simply because,you linked your brain to your heart.
and that is when.'forgive and forget' becomes hard.

so from there i learnt.forgive and forget are two different words.but to perform it,it must become one action.
there is no separation between it.you don't divide forgive and forget.because..
you don't forgive when you don't forget.
and you don't forget when you don't forgive.

and i still find it difficult.because the things that you need to forgive are mostly closely linked to your emotion.your HEART.
and anything linked to the heart.is not easy to forget.
so one way that is possible for me to perform this is only by 'un-linking' it.
un-link the events of life that require forgiveness with my heart.so that i can forget it.and then forgive it.

so maybe.just maybe.it is not forgive and forget.maybe it is forget and forgive.
forget it.and then without knowing it you have already forgiven it.
and when those two happened.you'll lock your way to the gate of vengeance and open another gate with a key.
a key of peaceful to the gate of God.

and Friday taught me.all this whilst when i say i forgive.i forget not.
so from this Friday onwards.i must say.i forget.therefore i forgive.

and from today.i shall un-link all those emotions that worth nothing compared to the one emotion towards God.and God will.
forgetting it will be as easy as forgetting those history facts i learnt in high school years ago.
and with that.to forgive will be a lot easier.

so to everyone.let's forget and then forgive.shall we?

Listen to me baby.

Who am I to you and what are you to me?
Lets get something straight amidst this ecstasy

I don't remember buying any ring or saying "I do"
What rights do you have over me and I over you?

The very same rights that my other friends have
We're friends! And not each other's half

Nothing more and nothing less
But if you want more than that then be my guest

But no more of this can I take
The more I love Allah the more of this I hate

The lust of love and the love of lust
I must escape this prison, I must!

My hand is yours for the taking
All I want is Allah's blessing

If we're on the same page, me and you
Ask me the question and I will say "I do"

by Aiman Azlan. a blog i found accidentally while browsing aimlessly. :)

http://www.aimanazlan.com/2009/05/listen-to-me-baby.html

its Friday.isn't it?

day 83.

is a morning.of another day.
and God is still generous nonetheless.
and if you ask me why.
its because of days like this.of being able to be awake.
will i only get the chance to know.
that this is.His way of telling me.
you exist because I exist.
you woke up.because I allowed you to.
and because you are a servant and I am your God.


and today.a Friday morning was greeted with a flue and a slight fever.
but hey.even a pinch of pain is a way to cleanse a sin.
so it's ok.i am well in a state of unwell. :)

so today i shall not know what will become of me.
but lets just pray it'll be a good Friday.won't we?
after all..isn't Friday the king of all days?

and 1 day of half free from a heartache.
a step further from transgressing and a step nearer to understand that i have a God.and His name is Allah :)

to everyone and everything that get to experience Friday.may it be a nice one for you too.

Boys & Girls - A Love Story - Abu Eesa Niamatullah

look for a guy who falls in love not with the skin beneath the clothes but the heart beneath the skin.
-myself-

unwell.

day 82.

is a sick day.
and let it be a way of God to cleanse my sins.

and a deep slumber is not mine anymore to own.
and even when i am asleep i fear.so i decided i would just write.

but hey.God is just.there must be a reason why i am this way.afterall He is the One who heals sicknesses and the One that befalls it.

a friend told me.i need to stop.but how can i stop it if its not mine to own.isn't everything belongs to God?

other people's sins are not mine to bare.but i care of a stranger.because once he was not a stranger.and because once he was not a sinner.and because once i was a fool.and i am still one.

and if somebody ask.no.i am not hiding behind the reason of love towards a person.that love has long gone.but this is just a deep care.that will in the end destroy myself and all the care in the world that i carry for a stranger all this whilst.

a friend told me.i need to stop.but how friend? how can i stop from being ill and being mistreated.i don't own the world.i don't own the hearts of His creations nor the limbs.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i am not fine.and have not been fine since 4 years ago.for every 1460 days.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.this isn't about love.this is about betrayal and mistreatment.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i am still young.but a young heart can get hurt too.can it?

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i am a servant.and i deserve what ever test that i am being put through.be it years before.or years to come.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i do not deserve to be fooled and cheated if all i give is honesty and loyalty.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i just can't see the bad nature of a stranger.and maybe i will never do.and that is a reason why i am always being fooled.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i still pray for a stranger.simply because God loves those who cherishes His creations.no matter what you get in return.only He can give the best gift and no one else.afterall He is God.

so for a sick day ..i might just quit caring.but that doesn't mean i will be well.but i'll try.
so cheer up Neb.don't let 4 years behind take another of your 4 years ahead.
if you are served with betrayal.return it with layolty
if you are served with mistreatment.return it with respect.
if you are served with lies.return it with honesty.
and if you are served with hatred and slander.return it with a belief in God.

so dear self,

please be fine.put a smile.not just on the face.because a shattered heart can still smile if God will.
please be fine.put a strength in your limbs.because a strong person persevere if God will.
please be fine.because you are a human.and you need to.
and because losing a stranger that cherish you not and love you not.is not a waste.its a gift.from God.because He is saving you for a special someone.in His own ways and terms :)



and this is a song from a friend back in college.and this makes me think that i'll be fine.maybe not now.but someday.

penat.

day 81.

is half of the day in the hospital.

well maybe a quarter.and now.my body is tired,my mind is all over the place.and my heart is healing.

i need a break.

and its ok.God will give me one soon. :)

and now im too tired to type.too ill hearted to care.
and i shall try again tomorrow.

Wednesday..why must you be hard......

high and low.

day 80.

one matter is settled.and now i owned a number.

tired of waiting.but at least i was out of the house and get to see the world.well part of it.
and today.i saw many types of people as i was waiting inside a crowded mall.and one thing i realised is that
the lower the position you have in a society the more easy it is for you to lower yourself to God.

and as time passed by.only those who wears not jewellery and not expensive cloths enters the prayer room.but those who carries expensive shopping bags with expensive looks on their faces didn't even turn to look for a sign to the prayer room.and i stood there for hours looking.and wondering.and realising.maybe.just maybe.i was amongst those people who carries the worldly objects that becomes the reason for me not to lower myself to the One who owns all the wealth of the world.God.

and as i stood there.i feel the shame of seeing the past reflection of myself.walking around.being busy.carrying all those things that i see as valuable but never once did i stop and take time to realise that it is time for my prayers,that it is time to say my thanks to God to even let me experience His sustenance.

and today.in the middle of the busy milieu of the mall.i realised the ones that take time to remember God are the ones that receive not wealth.whereas the ones that were given wealth take time to spend it like theres no tomorrow until they burden themselves too much to even say...'thank you God'..unfortunate of me for once had been amongst the people who forgets.but fortunate of me for having a God that opens my eyes to see and giving me limbs to change my actions.

so for today.i learnt.that the better you are in lowering yourself to God the higher you are in His eyes.
so for today.i learnt.having money does not assure that you can buy your way to Heaven.if you use it not on His path.
so for today.that long hours of waiting.taught me not to be like who i used to be.

if God has opened my eyes.why should i blind it?
if God has given me limbs.why should i not move it for Him?

so Tuesday was like that.
to all,may you experience a good version of Tuesday too :)

Julia Sheer - You Will Never Be

and i shall not care anymore for someone who does not.truly. :)

onwards.

almost the ending of day 79.

and i woke up with a massive headache.
and from now onwards my day starts from 2pm onwards.simply because.my brain works as such now.

and a day that starts bitter will not end bitter.
because a friend is back and a thousand more awaits. :)

so to dear self.
God took one.and He'll return it with a thousand more good ones.
so La Tahzan dear self.
your day should be filled with joy from today.because a friend promised.and a God is there.

and this is just too cute :)

bitter.

day 79.

starts with bitter words.
and if this is a test from God then i must not run.

i guess its true when people say no one can stop God's sustenance.Be it.He says.
and if bitter words are the early servings to me then i guess my sustenance is the patience from all of it.

and early today.may i be patient.
with all the slanders thrown.simply because.God is enough as my only protector.

and early today.bitter words may start my day.
but bitter heart is kept far and far away.

so hey,to all the people that is about to start your Monday.
be it hell you start it from,everything comes from God.and everything He does is full of wisdom.
so put trust on Him.and He'll show you the wisdom.

because bitter words don't last.but God does.

so for today.trust is the key to start a Monday.
but not to His creations.but to Him.
may i not stray too far.and may my heart is not filled with vengeance and envy.
because my God is pure.and the only way for me to face Him is with pure heart.

just.

day 78.

has not end.yet.

i can't sleep.and i can't even pretend to sleep.

if you have headache.you have panadol.
if you have stomach ache.you have ginger ale.
but.if you have heartache.what do you use?

these past few days were filled with laughter and smile.
and i thought that would be enough.
but nonetheless.i am still in pain.

wounds heal.but scars don't.
and it seems

only when this
mouth speak of His name.

only when this
mind think of Him.

only when this
heart feels Him.

will i only feel the presence of peace.

and unfortunately.

this mouth,does not speak of Him.
this mind,does not think of Him.
and this heart,does not feel Him.

and unfortunately.i feel not the presence of peace.
and therefore.i am still not asleep.
because i allow pain to feel me.but not the wisdom behind the pain.and the beauty of the pain.

late today,a wise lady told me,
patience is accompanied with pain.
and that is how God tests us and at the same time rewards us.

test us with the pain.and reward us with the patience.
Subhannallah. He is indeed just.

so be patient Neb.for that is your reward for your test of being in pain.
afterall...He is just.isnt't He.

bahasa Melayu

hari 78.

bahasa Melayu yang sangat dirindui.

hujan.perbezaan masa.dan sifat azali yang malas.
membuatkan hari 78 dipenuhi dengan tidur.

mungkin ada sebab mengapa.mungkin juga ada hikmah disebalik tidur yang panjang.
mungkin kerana tidur yang panjang itulah mengelak diri dari melakukan dosa yang tak perlu.
dan mungkin kerana tidur yang panjang itulah mengelak hati dari sakit yang tak dimahukan.

jadi.terima kasih Tuhan.kerana benarkan roh ini diambil sebentar.
dan kini.mata sudah dibuka.dan hati boleh merasa.

maka separuh dipenuhi dengan perasaan tidak selesa dan separuh lagi kerana rasa menyesal dengan perasaan yang tidak selesa itu.

maka hari ini.
hujan.
perbezaan masa.
dan sifat azali yang pemalas.

harus didefinisikan dengan cara yang lain.

hujan sebagai rahmat.saat segala doa di tunaikan.
perbezaan masa adalah punca menyebabkan manusia mensyukuri siang dan malam.kerana itu juga adalah nikmat.
dan sifat azali yang malas harus ditukar.kerana manusia dicipta dengan sifat.namun diberi peluang untuk memilih sifat mana yang terbaik untuk diri.

dan itu.adalah hari yang singkat untuk seorang Neb.
dan satu hari lagi untuk seorang Neb sedar tidur dan celik itu.ade hikmah nya.

pause.

day 77.

is a day full of laughter.with two old friends. :)

and today i realised.life is good.simply because God is there.

and He gave me wonderful people for me to love and to love me back.

and that is a realisation that only now i come to understand.

so for today.only a simple lesson is learnt.

appreciate what you have instead of looking everywhere for what you don't have.

so today.i take the time God has spared me to appreciate happiness instead of hunting it.

because happiness is not to be chased but to be embraced.

so to many days wasted of chasing happiness.i shall make the traffic lights go red.because it is time to stop.
and appreciate the halt.

so today people. are you still chasing?or have you take time to stop.pause.and relax ? :)

a piece of flesh.

end of day 76.

and the warm weather does not bother me at all.
at times.

today.was a relax day.because today i did nothing but relaxing.
i don't feel like going out.not just yet. :)

so i predict.tomorrow shall be another relaxing day.
in other words.it does not take a psychic to know.that i will again be lazy.

so a talk with a friend cleared everything.and he promised that everything will be fine.and i shall trust him this time.
because it seems.i have nothing else to put my trust on besides God and a friend.

and today..as i was relaxing.in other words lazying around.i found a nice phrase from a book written by an author and spoken by a Prophet pbuh.

"...Indeed there is in the body a piece of flesh which if it is sound then the whole body is sound,and if it is corrupt then the whole body is corrupt.Indeed it is the heart"

i have known of this phrase before,but not until today i finally understood what it means.
and today became a day full of questions and answers.

the first question that came into mind is.

what is actually heart?
i spent years in school learning that it is that particular flesh situated above the left side of diaphragm just below the left chest.
and it pumps blood to keep a Neb alive.and it is the medium for us to refer to things related to emotions.

but a second question came.

if it is there,then why do most of us when asked,when we experience anger,sadness or joy, why is it we don't feel those emotions at that particular spot?why is it different each time? and that is a question i still haven't found the answer.

another question came into mind.

a heart that pumps blood can affect the whole system of the body.and that is true.scientifically.
but if a heart is also used as a medium for us to experience emotions,we can say,sadness can make us sick and joy can make us healthy.and if we switch it around.sadness can make us healthy and joy can make us sick.how so?

now from there.i realised.
like how i used to see things.only at its surface and never deeper.shame.

i came to understand that.the logic of science can explain just a fraction of the wonders of heart.but the rest is explained through the understanding of the belief in God.

well basically,yes.a heart can give effects to the body.physically.in terms of science.but a heart can also give emotional effects which is then translated physically.causes of actions.

and from here.i answered my questions.with one anwer.it is the emotions felt by the heart that determines the outcome of one's conditions.

sick or healthy.
sad or joy.
corrupt or pure.
agitation or peace.
dirty or clean.

so today.it is our emotions that we feel control the outcome of what our conditions are.
and how we define that particular emotion.

a joy can be healthy and a sadness can be sickening.
but God is fair.both can be switched.
a joy can be sickening and a sadness can be healthy.

again.depending on how we DEFINE it.

when we choose sadness as our emotion.did we choose it for the right reason?did we define it based on the right cause?
because.from here i realised.when I'm sad over the matters of the world.i become even more sad.leading to unrewarding actions.and this is the point where i see sadness as sickness.

and different when i get sad over my countless bad behaviours to God.and sad over all the disappointments that lead myself astray from God.the more i feel it.the more i think about it.the more peaceful i get.and somehow with a thousand words i still could not explain it.and that is how I see sadness that leads to healthiness.healthiness of soul,mind and body.

again.

when we choose joy as our emotion.did we base it on the right cause?or did we say our thanks to the right One? because from here i realised.when im in the state of joy,i tend to forget God even more.and that joy vanished into thin air the minute that i thought it came not from God but from the things of the world.and from there.it simply became pseudo joy.and there lies sickness behind it.

and different when i experience joy towards God's sustenances and remind myself that it is from Him those things came from.i experience more joy.a joy that i could not again explain by words.

and today this is how i view the meaning of

"...Indeed there is in the body a piece of flesh which if it is sound then the whole body is sound,and if it is corrupt then the whole body is corrupt.Indeed it is the heart"

the flesh as the emotion that we feel and the right definition of it and the body as the result of the actions we took and we felt from the emotion itself.

so when the flesh controls the body,the emotion controls the action.
and the action determines where we stand at the end.by the side of God or million light years away from Him.

so today.that was Wednesday.a few questions asked.and some are answered.
but now i know.to be able to feel is our nature.but to be able to control what we feel determines what we are.
simply healthy.or simply sick.

so i pray today.may you all have lead a healthy Wednesday and may it be even healthier for tomorrow. :)

NeverShoutNever - Your Biggest Fan - Lyrics

day 76.

is a song.and will remain as one.

and i was that fan.but not anymore.

never ending.

day 75.

is a tiring never ending day.

patience is very much needed at this moment for i have none.

soon dear self.soon.and a deep slumber will be yours.

being across the world.hopping from one continent to another made me realise.theres no other place i would rather be than in the arms of a mother.

and not even half of the way.i have already missed a friend.
and not even half of the way.i have already kept God so far away.

shame.

so this post is a note to self.so that at the end of this never ending day.i shall read it again.and i shall keep in mind.

nothing lasts.
even a miss.it will soon go away.because a friend remains a friend even seas apart.

nothing lasts.
even a moment of away.because God's will,He will not keep me so far away for so long.

so for a never ending day of the 75th,
i learnt,all i have to do is have faith.

have faith in friendship of one friend.
and have faith in one God,Allah.

so people,may you have a less tiring never ending day today.

a choice not to escape.

day 74

is many days after 73.

one journey has ended today.and another journey will soon begin.

i have been away.being from one place to another is indeed tiring.but it was all worth it.

many days of being away helped a lot.in amending this broken self.

so a journey that was planned as an escape became a journey for me to discover that life is not all about escaping.
its about choosing which part of life that you should face.and which you should leave behind.

and many days of silence.taught me well.that i have been trying to escape some part of life so bad that i took not the time to realise i must not escape.i just have to choose.

and after long long days of not trying to be near God,He is still amazing.simply because.His generosity of letting me to choose gives me chance to realise that He gave me a life not for me to run from.but to choose which is the right one.

and now.i choose.

i choose to understand.all this whilst.i have been wanting the wrong things and i have been needing the right things in life.
so now.what i need more is needing instead of wanting.

so thank you God.even though i thought of You so little these past few days.again.You are still your generous self nonetheless.

so now.

in spite of all the problems we are being faced with.all we need to do is.to choose.not to escape.

choose on how to handle it.
choose on how to accept it.

instead of

finding a way to escape.
finding a reason to escape.

and to a problem of mine that is solved.

i chose to need more than to want.
and i find not a way or a reason to escape.

because a life is given not for us to escape.but for us to make decisions on how we want to shape it.
so shape it wisely for it may be the key to a better version of what life should be when the end comes.

so finally.towards ending a journey.
i realised.
to a problem i face.

i have been wanting a wrong guy instead of needing the right guy.

so to the wrong guy that i want.
may you find your way in choosing life instead of escaping it.

and to the right guy i need.
may you have chosen the right life.for i am waiting at the other end.

so people,may you have the chance to choose not to escape.because life is lived once.fill it with great choices instead of great escapes.

stalk.

day 73

is two days ahead of day 72.

being surrounded by familiar faces makes me want to ignore the cyber world.and today i shall ignore it even better.

so for two days of being 'uncybernised' i find a better version of what a day should be,instead of getting on the web and looking at other people's life.

yes.i am referring to how we spend hours on the internet spending God's time like its ours to own inspecting the way people
lead their lives.but unfortunately through out the process of doing so,a little goodness is taken out of it and a whole lot of banefulness are gained.

and shamefully i am among of those who treats time like it shall for ever be mine and spend it like how i like it.and mostly wasting it.

so for two days that has passed i learnt that.i pay too much time knowing about other people's life and along the way i managed my life wrongly.and i blame myself 99% of it and 1% on the fact of how easy it is to view other people's life on a thing i call the WEB.yes.the thing we love most.the social network.

and sadly after knowing this,i realised we did it not to lessen the distance of humans' relationship,but we did it to create a much bigger gap between us.spreading rumours,creating gossips,training ourselves to be overly judgemental on each matter of other people's, and the most obvious,the pursue in the matters of straw.

and indeed.that 99% attitude of mine is the motivation that moved my limbs,and that 1% becomes the path that lead me to it.
and i realised now,we spend more time evaluating other people's life and we used not 24 hours given a day,30 days given a month,12 months given a year and many years given in a life to evaluate ourselves.instead.

so two days that has passed..made me realised...i have been stalking the wrong things in life.i have been stalking the creations of Him instead of the creator Himself.

and today.my problem is.i do not stalk God well enough and as much as i stalk His creations.simply because i wronged myself.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why am i at this position.and maybe why too 6 billion others out there.
a position of wanting to know more about His creations rather than the Creator himself.whilst it is Him who gave me the time,the energy and the resources to use it wisely.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why do i get so eager to get to know His creations..but never Him.
so eager to include humans in my life.but never God.whilst it is Him who created me.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why do i even spend seconds,minutes and hours to get to know someone's sins when i have mine to clear.
so caught up in judging when i know i am being judged by God at the very same time.

so for two days that has passed.

i answered it with a regret.and i answered it with a hope.
a regret of being amongst those who pays attention not to God but to the things that will bring me further from His paradise.
a hope that things will change.and i shall one day stalk God more.

so people.for today.i shall lessen my attention to the world.and realise i MUST realise.so.have you today?

a final letter to a stranger.

day 72.

is a letter to a stranger that i used to know.

dear stranger,

let my hopes and my prayers be with you.
not because i still want to adore you,but because i am a servant who cares.and so are you.

so to a stranger,

may you find your way to God.
may you find your faith towards God.
may you find your peace with God.
may you find your salah for God.
may you find your akhlak that you cherish not.
may you find your adb that you've left.
may you find your loyalty that you sold.
may you find your honesty that you neglected.
may you find your light that vanished.
may you find your health that you forsaken.
may you find your modest in your arrogance.
may you find your repents in your sins.
may you find your courage whilst you're frightened.
may you find your love that you seek for.
and finally....

to a stranger.may you find yourself that you've lost.

simply because.i want to see you happy.regardless how mistreated i felt.
simply because.i seek forgiveness from God.therefore i must spare you forgiveness too.

a final letter.with God's permission.let this letter find you.so that you can find yourself again.
a final letter.with God's permission.let this letter be the last.so your name will no longer be spoken by my mouth and be felt by my heart.
simply because.those are my final prayers.Amin.

6 letters word.

day 71.

is yesterday and today.

an exam was done.i accomplished an effort and now i let God decide whether i have accomplished in marks.

a prayer was answered late yesterday.funny how i have asked for it relentlessly but when i get the response.i didn't even see it as one.

so now.if one particular stranger ask.i shall say.God narrowed the path for me in helping you for a reason.simply because.ask help from Him.because if its not Him.no one else can help you.

anyway.i meant to write something yesterday.but the energy of doing so was used up during the exam and the long walk in town.
so thank you God for lending me another Wednesday to write.

so a word came across a mind.my mind.as i was on my way to school.

SETTLE.

yes.a word with 6 letters in it.

we-settle-too-soon-and-for-too-little.

and i say that putting myself as reference.

i-settle-too-soon-and-for-too-little.

for almost everything that has God in it.

yes i do.

i settle with just being a muslim.but not a good one.
i settle with just having a God.but not to worship.
i settle with just being innocent.but not nice.
i settle with just being a human.but not a servant.

all my life.i aim to be the best.in almost everything.except one thing.to be the best servant to Him.

and why so?

one word with 6 letters in it answers it all.

SETTLE.

yes.
i settle for what i am now.JUST a muslim.but not a good one.
i settle for the way i worship God.JUST merely.
i settle for how i treat my self and others.nothing more than JUST below nice.
and i settle for what i thought i was created for.a human who claims herself not a servant to God.

so that is my problem.and maybe that is the problem of 6 billion others out there.why do we settle too soon for too little?

thinking yes.
5 times of prayers are enough.
30 days of fasting should be alright.
1 second of God in mind is ok.
and many months of life thinking its us to own is valid.

whereas.
God gives
24 hours a day for us to pray as much as we could.
360 days to fast (women no included.and yes.i am a woman)
86 400 seconds a day to have Him in mind
and all 12 months of every year knowing its Him who owns it.

but again we failed. i failed.why? because we put the word settle in our vocabulary in the wrong sentence.

we just don't SETTLE when it comes to the adoration of God.
we STRIVE more.simply because.we are servants and nothing more.

so.that was my Tuesday and Wednesday altogether.
so people.did you put the word settle in the right sentence for yesterday and today?
if not.refresh our vocabs. and reboot our faiths.

mobile.

day 70.

a quite Monday.quite enough that i can listen to my own thoughts.my own blank thoughts.

nothing rare today.except it is a day before Tuesday.and 30 days before a hundred days.

a few more days.and i will be done with first year.

finally.another 5 more years to go.

patient Neb.there's a reason why you are here.and among 6 billions.you are chosen to be here.now.this way.

so today.sitting in an empty room laying on a single bed memorising notes is not a good way of killing time.but it is a way of getting to know oneself very well.physically.and today.i got to know.exactly how the skin of my arm looks like under natural light.and how many moles i have on each arm.yes.i count them.and yes.i find that very productive.

to yesterday i tried.and for today.i failed.

again not productive enough Neb.

TRY.AGAIN.

so i asked myself.what did i do today that involves others?
or simply.what did i do today that involves God?

and i can't answer both.and now.i am going to drown myself in a world of regret.AGAIN.

yes.Monday was like that.and i thought today.i am less sinful.because i didn't do anything.but today.i am a fool.because not knowing the fact of not doing anything is also a sin.

so don't you think if you're sitting down you're less sinful when you're standing.because anything that you do.without God as its purpose.and without God for the reason.then you are simply sinful.just like me today.

sinful of wasting time.and sinful of not doing anything good for the purpose of God.not grateful enough to realise He gave me Monday for a purpose.and i blew it with counting moles.

oh my.with what can i answer Him later for this one day and many days before?with what dear self?

so today people.if i didn't learn anything today.i hope you learn something from my day today.

make good use of the hours given.
make good use of the hours given......for Him.

may i be less sinful for Tuesday..that only if He allows another Tuesday for me.

try.

day 69
is a late Sunday evening.

a room has been emptied.and a heart has been filled.

the ending of a starting is coming soon.and i am beyond inpatient.

today.nothing productive was accomplished in a life of a Neb.again i wasted the time given as if i own it for another thousand years to come.shame.

so today if i was being asked.did i learn anything.i shall say.i learnt to waste time.and i learnt to regret it.

so today if i was being summoned.what will i offer? nothing.because today i did nothing for God.and He did everything for me.

so today if i was given another day.what will i do? i shall again waste it.because today.i am still an ungrateful creature of Him.

so today if i was asked again.will you try to change.and i shall say.today i will.

so for today.i did learn something after all.besides regretful.

i learnt.

i accept myself as a human.
with countless mistakes that i fail to not repeat.

but i learnt too.

i still want to change.and that feeling of wanting to change will change everything.i hope.

so the keypoint here is the word TRY.because try,divides effort and blind acceptance.

yes.you can accept yourself of having flaws.you're designed not for perfection.
but.
never accept yourself for not wanting to try.

simply because...that is what we call...

the acceptance of the blind.

so Sunday.is a start of a try.
and Monday might be the success of a try.
insyaAllah.

so people.did you try anything good today?

opened eyes.

day 68.

is a Saturday morning.

a room was cleared.and will soon be left empty.

indeed time passed by fast.but why do i still forget that i.do.not.own.the.time.

i woke up in the middle of the night for the first time after many days of not to.and a foreign feeling filled this heart.

and again.i was glad i even get to wake up.thank you.

nothing crossed my mind this morning except the thought of wanting it to be a great day.filled with beneficial actions.because that is what a Saturday deserves.

nothing learnt yet in the morning except a reminder to self. 'don't forget to be grateful you're alive today Neb'.

yes.a reminder.i still.DO NOT own the time.

so this morning's post is just a reminder to me and to all who has their souls returned after a deep slumber.a reminder that we might open our eyes today.and not tomorrow.what ever your time zone is.where ever your region is.and whomever you are.isn't it just great to get another chance to open our eyes? and theres only one word that suits this best......


ALHAMDULILLAH.

a joy.a bucket.and a pillow.

day 67.

a Friday full of incidents that could challenge a person's patience and endurance level.
mine especially.

so Friday was not easy.but somehow.inspite of trying my best to feel sad.there is a slight joy behind the lump of sadness.
and i get to confront misfortunate events with a slight smile on the heart if not the face.

and somehow i don't know where this strength come about.a Neb has always been a small pessimistic creature.and somehow.
these past few days' incidents made me view life in a whole different angle.it may sound cliche,see glass half full not half empty.
but God's power is strong,He could change anything,any feelings,anyone.as He pleased.and if its God's power.its not so cliche eh.

so today.was not easy.but today.was easy for me.because God made it so.sometimes the physical may be impaired.but what lies beneath is as beautiful as you can ever imagine.like how today is.it may be really bad.but the essence of a day it brought was beyond explanation.

so today's post.is beyond explanation.but please know.i badly want to feel sad and cry and bang my head on the wall.but i can't.because it seems.God gave me sudden joy of nothingness and an imaginary bucket to hold my tears and a soft pillow for me to hit my head on.

so today.i am not wise enough to see the wisdom behind it.but i will someday.because i have a great Creator..and He will show me :)

so people.ask for joy.a bucket and a pillow.whenever my kind of Friday visits you.because you'll never know when you need it.:)

intention

day 66.if im not mistaken

Wednesday passed by like a wind.and now.its Thursday.oh my.i still don't own the time.

yesterday was tiring.who knew pinning up is even harder than doing the actual work.but yesterday a great lesson was also learnt.

after few days of not being able to be near.after few days of not knowing how to be near.and after few days of wanting to be near.finally.i get to be near.and again through mistakes.

so yesterday.i was hurt.deeply hurt again.but yesterday the wonders of God flipped that hurt 360 degrees.and that hurt was not merely for the purpose of leaving scars on the heart that is full of it.but it is a lesson.so that i change my intention not.

have i said before.if its not because of wanting to share the beauty of having a religion and the thought of wanting to help.i would have not come back to help a stranger in finding his way back.along the way i sold God's name.and i said.this is for God.but oh my.a fool i am indeed.deep down inside without even me knowing it.it was not for God...nor it was for him.it was merely for my sake.

and yesterday.that shame befalled.and oh my.shameful i am indeed.so thank you for again another deep cut in the heart God.You cut that piece of insincerity out of me.and that is the deepest cut that i found beauty in its pain.so my intention was corrected.and i still want to help.and that calm feeling i get may it be a sign that i am doing the right thing for the right intention.

so people.late Wednesday tought me.one thing that devides a sin and a deed.is intention.change your intention and when it is filled with His name in all angles.then,you'll See the good deeds that will be brought out of it.

oh.wonderful how God teaches us through pain and joy.
so how was Wednesday people? did you waste it or did you value it like Wednesday never will come and visit you again?

miss

day 65 is a day full of misses.

so i put this video.to let people know.sometimes when we really miss someone.He was actually the One who let us feel it.so who deserves the miss most if its not for Him.The Creator of all the 'misses' in the world :)

happy missing Tuesday everyone. :)

chase.

day 64.

a bad right knee and an empty tummy.

today.a phrase came into mind.

physical don't last.what matters is the inside.

well.we all know that.but in reality.we run faster and faster chasing the best physical there ever is.leaving behind the opposite of what physical is.further and further away.

and i am one of them.but today.my knee is hurt.and my tummy is empty.so i shall stop the chase.and i shall sit now.and at that moment.i realised.that chase is tiring,and that chase is a waste.because people glance once and walk pass for physical beauty.but glance once and stop by for a beauty in personality.

so now i sit and think.with a bad knee and an empty tummy.what else is there to offer? nothing.simply because.i fill not myself with good characters because i stole that time to chase the physical.

so today.i stop.and today.i take back those times.because.people glance once and walk pass for physical beauty.but glance once and stop by for a beauty in personality.

so Neb.learn to chase for the right thing.because.when you die.people don't keep your photos in their wallets.to see your beauty. but they keep your character in their minds and their hearts.to remember how beautiful you were.

so today.i learnt.i am like an empty ketchup bottle.i may still have my label on but not the ketchup in it.so whats the use of an empty ketchup bottle?

so to everyone that is lucky to live yet another Monday..are you guys still in the chase?

achievements with no pride and failures with pride.

day 63.

is a story and it begins like this....

30th of January of many many years ago.i was a child.

and with January passing by months ago.i proclaim myself a child no more.

those many years..from a point of being able to take the first step and to a point where complicated mathematics questions seem possible.i have indeed lived through it all...with pride.

and now.here.passing thousands of days from a day of being a child.i sit.in my room
listing down all the achievements i have made..the achievements of many years living a life of a Neb.
with blank brain as my paper and memory cells as my ink.

i missed not one.as it is easy to recall each.
because through each i aligned pride next to it.
and what is better than pride as an indicator?simply because.6 billion out there are humans.and so am i.

so i proceed from one achievement to the other.jumping from one point to the next.
i started with a smile which gradually changed to a frown.

and at the end of the last memory cell.towards filling the whole blank brain.
i realised.i have achieved almost everything.almost.everything.that a WORLD wants me to.
and suddenly that blank brain that was filled with inks of memories of achievements.
were erased.by one organ that is far below the brain..the heart.MY HEART.

and a child no more i thought of me.simply because.i thought my achievements made me grew.
but i thought wrong.because.for each and every achievement that was done and written in my brain.
i put not God next to it.
i put not God in front of it.
i put not God behind it.
i put not God above and below it.

so where did you put Him in all your achievements all this whilst dear self?
you put Him near none of it.
oh.dear self have you forgotten.that without Him. all of those would not be even considered achievements?

so today.i erased all those achievements in life.simply because there are not achievements at all,the fact that i failed to put God in every single of it,it becomes far worse than not being achievements.but it becomes failures.

so today.the story became a lesson.and a lesson should be a practice.
so forgive me for thinking i did it all by myself.and forgive me.for not doing it all because of You.
simply because i put pride in everything.and everything must not be filled with pride.except the pride of God.

so in the end.the grown self that i thought of me filled with achievements became a child who bares failures and far from grasping achievement itself.

so to Sunday,let this child gain achievement not through the eyes of humans.but through His.

and Sunday.let this child remember.the only thing qualified to be called achievement is the the thing that has His name in all parts of it.


so people.what did you write in your blank brain today?

Aagym - Rambu-rambu Keinginan 3

Aagym - Rambu-rambu Keinginan 2

Aagym - Rambu-rambu Keinginan 1

TRAILER SEKALI LAGI

yer.kadang2 i tengok cerita melayu. and kadang2 cerita melayu itu best :)

a wise lady.

day 62.

a beautiful Friday morning.that i got to experience.

blue sky and green trees.everywhere.and why have i not seen this version of a day before? have i been too busy to realise the beauty in all God's creations? or have i been too busy looking for flaws that i see not the perfection?

ending of yesterday,
a wise lady told me,

"God do not leave you,not until you leave Him first.
you've done your part in trying to help His creation.
and if you can't see the effort of the outcome.
take the deed of patience and the kind hearted intention you had.
see the good ending in all the bad journeys.
now stay away as far as you can from him because that is also an effort to bring you closer to God.
choose wisely my dear,is it him you want or is it God you want"

indeed wise.
a wise lady i called my mom.

so yesterday i learnt.to be wise like my mom.
and today i hope.i will be someday.

so people.don't look far to find good deeds.
it might be really close to you.good deeds to your mom.

so people.dont' look far to do bad deeds.
it might be really close to you.when you simply mistreat your mom.

so for friday.
thank you for being a friday... :)

remorse.

day 61.

is a day full of remorse.

i slipped.i admit.i am a human.i admit.

what i hope for,did not come true.well maybe not for now.sometimes the advice we give will not be perceived as one.
simply because.we are humans and we make mistakes.

and even though we know that.we fail every time to know that God is Forgiving.so turn those mistakes to chances.because what is more pleasing than deeds of patience....so its ok..my words may have failed.but my intention was good.but along the way of full filling that intention i slipped.and put you first.instead of You.so i did my part.now wheres yours?

so today i learnt..an advice is just an advice without the actions.so you may have fooled me again.for making me think that you need guidance.but all the whilst.what you seek is not guidance.but a playful period of me being fooled.by you.

so today i learnt.people change.to bad or good.all i need to do is choose which one i want to be close to.so change as much as you want.because i can always run away as far as i can.

so to Thursday,i succeeded an intention but failed in seeing the outcome.simply because you're a human.close to making mistakes.and i am just a fool who always fantasize the good version of you.

so to Thursday.like this.don't come again.because all i want now is not the days..but the essence and the lessons it brings.

the last call.

day 60.

you called again.and i was glad.glad not because i miss you.but because i get to talk to you as how i should to all this whilst.
and glad i get to tell you what i should have told you all this whilst.and i've done my job now.and all i have now is your name in my prayers.and that is how far we can ever go.only in prayers.

i felt sad.angry.unsatisfied.betrayed.fooled before.and i thought you are now somebody's possesion.but now i understand.you are God's possession and i was just borrowing you from him.and now.i am returning you back to him.i trade you with God's love instead.and i hope you would have done the same too.but if its still world you see.then one day i hope God accepts my prayers so that one day you'll find your way too.

and if you have chosen another God's creation over me.then i chose God over you.be happy with what you left me for.because i shall be happy when you are.for i hope nothing but the best for me.and for you.

so today i decided to wait.but not for you.but for anyone that God thinks suits me best.but if its you that God destined me to be with,then let you be the best version of you.because i want to be the best version of me for you.

so don't be sad Neb.you have made a good trade.La Tahzan dear self...

so to Wednesday,let it be the last call.i hope.because you trade my love with another creation of Him as easily as breathing.but please know.i trade you over His love.and my trade is the best.

so...
to a stranger now to me.my prayers will be with you.but pray for yourself too,because i fear prayers from my sinful self would never be enough.

love her more than me.because you chose her.but love God more.because He chose you.

so dear Wednesday..please don't let it come again.i may be strong on the outside.but im as brittle as a glass on the inside.and only He knows.

a nervous and a crit.

day 53.

i am nervous.for a reason.

and i am ashamed for a reason too.

nervous because of tomorrow.

and ashamed because of how easy i get nervous over tomorrow.over such earthly matters.

and was never nervous because of You.

sigh.

what a waste of almost 3 decades of years living eh? never once do i took the chance to really feel the need to fear You.to respect You.and to get nervous over You.even when saying Your name.

and today.i get nervous.over such small thing i call crit? what is wrong with me? have i lost my mind? not knowing which is more important.not knowing which is more beneficial.oh.if only i knew better.

and if only i could change this feeling when i confront You in my prayers.so that i know its You that i need to fear.its You that i need to respect.and its You that i need to feel nervous for.

so today.forgive me for the many years of not feeling nervous when talking to You.when asking for Your help.and when being only a servant.and forgive me for thinking that the world owns my soul and possesses my physique .because i know better now than i know before.that only You OWN me.in every way.

so to Wednesday.teach me how to be scared to God.because there is nothing more worth being scared for than Him.
and to Thursday.i fear you not if its not from Him.

so today lets be scared people.be scared for the right reason.because the fear that we have might just bring us to a better place.

aspiration.

day 59.

is a day full of aspiration

aspiration of a mother who wants happiness badly for her son.

aspiration of a lover who longs for loyalty in love.

aspiration of a servant who seeks forgiveness from her God.

so that is Tuesday.

to the mother.May God see your patience and answer your prayers.and don't you worry.you are not alone.im praying for your son too.

to the lover.May God grant you loyalty not just in love but in everything you seek.

to the servant.May you feel lucky.for your God is the Most forgiving of all.

so to a mother,a lover and a servant.hope for happiness,loyalty and forgiveness from the only One.because you will never acquire disappointment in return from Him.

that is Tuesday to me.what did you aspire for for your Tuesday people?

Edcoustic - Di Persimpangan Aku Berdiri (With lyric)

day 58 is a song.

and sometimes its this kind of songs that relates to you the most.
so let me not be a rockstar fan anymore.because.they speak my mind the least now.
this does.

so to Monday.
i let these words be my words.for today.

so people, what signifies you today?

we are humans.and we have feelings.

day 57.

is a day full of reasons not to do work.invalid reasons.and i despise myself today for it.

procrastination has always been an issue.but this time its a disease that will never go away.

and today many times wasted thoughts came across.and i don't know why.

and today many times i avoid it.but i turn back in becoming just a human being with feelings.i don't know why.

and today i accidentally missed a person.i don't know why.

and today..........

i planned today so much until i forgot.God is there.and He decides it first.

so silly me for being silly today.yes.i am a human with feelings but i am also a servant with a God.

so push aside those feelings Neb.and see that it is a bless to be able to feel.be it happy or sad.but those feelings are only valid if you put God then you.in that order.

put Him first.and you shall see how easy it is to have feelings.

so people who gets to live a Sunday today.did you feel happy and sad for the right purpose in the right order? if you don't its ok.there is still a Monday to look forward to. :)

little.

day 55.

is a really great day.so great that i wish every day is this Saturday.

funny how sometimes we can be really happy over the littlest things.

and funny how sometimes such big things in life let us experience only a glimpse of its happiness..whereas the littlest thing..need not i say more..gives the most.

so today,the littlest things in life made me long for such Saturday again.and i don't need to dream of fantasy anymore.because reality has all the littlest things i need.

so today.a knowledge was obtained and a forgiveness was asked.and those two little things.combine together giving me the greatest happiness a Neb could ever ask for.

so today i learnt.God created the small things so that small creations like us could get the biggest happiness out of it.appreciate the little things around us.because it might just be the key to a big gate of that great ending.

so thank you Saturday.and to the rest of the days ahead..you are such a great competitor for future days indeed.
may your Saturday be so little yet so big :)

malfunction

day 54.

and blogspot had a problem.again.humans' creations are not perfect.only God's are.

and an account that was deleted was magically undeleted because of the urge wanting to be among the world web again.oh.again.facebook caught me.i can never act as an 18th century girl when i am in the 21st.so Neb stop trying.there is a reason for you to be born now and not before.so embrace the technology and use it wisely.for it may be a bridge in showing how great my religion is and not the opposite.

so today.a long chat with someone who clearly knows better about my religion was refreshing.and i'm glad i spared a moment to realise.if i'm too busy chasing earthly matters all the time when will i have time to know that there is a greater thing after life we call Heaven.

so Thursday was filled with nervous.but a good nervous for the right purpose.and Friday.was spent like there is no other Friday better than this.with long talk of good deeds.indeed.

once or twice.you crossed my mind.but this time i let it pass by like how i let my fantasy go.because reality means more to me now.and you..

you are just a fantasy.

so today i hope.another good Friday will visit me again.because.its days like these that make you realise that God does exist and He cares. :)

a nervous and a crit.

day 53.

i am nervous.for a reason.

and i am ashamed for a reason too.

nervous because of tomorrow.

and ashamed because of how easy i get nervous over tomorrow.over such earthly matters.

and was never nervous because of You.

sigh.

what a waste of almost 3 decades of years living eh? never once do i took the chance to really feel the need to fear You.to respect You.and to get nervous over You.even when saying Your name.

and today.i get nervous.over such small thing i call crit? what is wrong with me? have i lost my mind? not knowing which is more important.not knowing which is more beneficial.oh.if only i knew better.

and if only i could change this feeling when i confront You in my prayers.so that i know its You that i need to fear.its You that i need to respect.and its You that i need to feel nervous for.

so today.forgive me for the many years of not feeling nervous when talking to You.when asking for Your help.and when being only a servant.and forgive me for thinking that the world owns my soul and possesses my physique .because i know better now than i know before.that You OWN me.in every way.

so to Wednesday.teach me how to be scared to God.because there is nothing more worth being scared for than Him.
and to Thursday.i fear you not if its not from Him.

so today lets be scared people.be scared for the right reason.because the fear that we have might just bring us to a better place.

a video

day 52 is only a video.

only a video that has got me to think what have i done for the rest of my 51 days before.
watch it.and let us realise how ungrateful of us to think all the misfortunes we've experienced are simply misfortunes.when the fact is.it is a bless to be tested by Him.



have a good Tuesday that starts with a repent everyone. :)

abandoned

day 51.

is a blessed monday with pouring rain.and followed with a sunshine.

i miss you.
where have you been?
did you forget about me?
do you hate me now?
don't you love me anymore?
can i always be your loved one?
i'll share your love.i promise.....God.

basically that was how Monday felt like.
filled with plenty of misses and wonders.

please don't let me go astray again.please.

today,these are my questions.

why do i feel this way? and what is this feeling?


its like having a conversation with someone with no reply.
its like missing someone without a return.
and its like looking for someone with no clue.

and at times i get so scared of being abandoned that i strive so hard to let Him notice that its Him that i chose.
i know its never enough.i know its never perfect.
but.those slight response from Him was more than enough.and i am more scared than ever now.that it'll go away.
please don't.
i'll show You,i'll love You more.i promise.
please.if i don't deserve Your love.at least let me keep You in my heart.
please.let me.

Monday.you made me feel.scared.and that made me want to strive harder.thank you.

LYLA JANTUNG HATIKU

for you who has always been there.a friend. :)

a letter to dear boy and somebody.

day 50.

half of 100 days.

and somebody asked.whats whit the songs Neb?

they are just songs.the wordings mean nothing.and no don't you worry good friends.i took that piece of my heart already.and gave it to the right one.to God.
so that one day He'll pass it to someone good. :)

so today i posted two songs.but was mistakenly thought for the wrong person.because when i posted it.i posted it for the tunes.not the meaning it has behind it.

and today was a quiet day.quiet enough for me to shut myself in the room and let fantasy rules.

and yes.a friend shared a story,a beautiful one indeed,about aiming for beauty and not perfection.

so a letter to a boy that used to be dear to me,
dear boy,
i may have not been perfect for or to you.
but my imperfection will be seen as beauty to somebody one day.if its not you
because God created me not to be perfect but to be filled with beauty.
no one says perfection is beauty.
because if it is.then no one is beautiful my dear.since no one is perfect either.so are you.
so one last letter to a boy who failed to see my beauty.
i have no perfection to offer.nothing but the beauty of my love given by Him.
and if you can't see that,then maybe that piece of my heart that i tore for you will be forever left with a hole,because you clearly did not give a piece of yours as a replacement.
so dear boy.for now.i'll paste it with a glue of faith and stuff it with tissues of hopes.
that maybe one day.if its not a piece of your heart that i stuff and glue,it'll be someone's piece of heart that is worth the long wait.

so today i learnt to write another letter.and allow words to come from my heart.that particular hole of my heart.and it goes something like this.

a letter to somebody that may or may not exist.

dear somebody,
God wants me to cut a piece of my heart for you.i already did.but i don't know to whom i should give it to.
so forgive me if i am lost along the way.but don't you worry.i have asked a map from God.and i won't be too lost and too long to wait.
so dear somebody,
i may have not known you.and we may have not met.
or i may have met you.but i may have not really known you.
but please know dear somebody.i have cut the piece of my heart nicely for you.so glue it with your strong faith and your lovely hopes.because i hope it'll fit.and give me yours too.so that this time i can stuff that piece of hole with not just worldly tissues and shredded disappointing papers but with your piece of heart that is cut nicely for me too. :)
so dear somebody,
whether you are a good friend,a close friend,a friend or a just a stranger.
ask for a map too please.because if i am lost.i'll have God to guide me and you to find me .

so to sunday the 50th day.
i wrote a letter.and may the 50th day of somebody receive it one day.

how was your sunday everyone? less flaws and more fixes i hope :)

Someday

not today.but someday

Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy (Animation)

misfortunes.

day 49.

is a day before half of 100 days promised.

saturday.i have not looked out at the window.afraid to see another bright sun a remark of the beginning of another day and another day was wasted again yesterday.when will you learn Neb? time is something you borrowed from God.not owned.borrow it.don't own it.

a phone call was again received.and i should really try to drink the lemon tea this time.so that i can taste its sweetness.so for yesterday's call.i forgive you.only because i am looking for the sweetness of forgiveness.

so yesterday,God was generous with me,He faced me with a misfortune so that i can grab the chance of being patient and forgiving.

and for yesterday, in spite of the loneliness and the business of life.one person remained a friend.
a person i can find a friend in him,and a person he can find a friend in me.
again.God is generous.if only i could gather the the whole good deeds of the world.as a return.
if only.

so Friday taught me.see misfortunes as chances.that way,you'll never lose anything because of it.
trade your misfortunes with good deeds.believe me.it'll be a worth while exchange. :)

so to Saturday.allow me to change my adversities with good deeds.because i am in the journey of ending Him next to me.
so to all.allow Saturday to be the best Saturday of today.
happy Saturday :)

forgiveness is to be sought and given.

day 48.

is a friday.

the sun is still shy.maybe too soon to tell.

i am awake from a very long sleep.a wasted sleep i would say.because of that sleep.that particular sleep.
made me missed a valuable knowledge slot of yesterday.knowledge of God.that i traded it with a slumber that was filled with useless dreams.

oh Neb.why did you?

anyway.a regret remains a regret.not unless i do something with it.so for next week's slot.i would make sure.i make good use out of it.

so for today what awaits i don't know.
today i am not a fortune teller nor a God.today i am just a somebody that hopes this day would be a less wasted day than yesterday :)

to friday,
a word came across my mind this morning.as my soul returned from a short death.
FORGIVENESS.

yes.that came.maybe accidently or purposely.but it came nonetheless.
maybe because of my yesterday's sins or maybe because of others' sins of yesterday.

so i stood and not sat.and i took a deep breath and really take time to understand what is forgiveness?
is it something you utter? or is it something you do?

do we really forgive? and do we really feel forgiveness?

what and how does forgiveness feel?

yes.we say.forgive me.and you are forgiven.but what does it really mean? and how does it really feel?have we ever wondered?

and today after countless of forgiveness asked and forgiven given.i truly beyond explanation do not understand what it is?
indeed i am as clueless as a monkey this friday morning.

has it been all this whilst we think the forgivenesses we've uttered and done are the real forgivenesses?
and without realising it,it is far from what true forgiveness is.maybe just maybe,there is a real sweetness of forgiveness that God has promised.and we thought all this time.we have had it.and we settled with what we thought wrong.

oh.if only i know how sweet forgiveness is.i would say it.do it.every breath that i take.if only.

so early of today.i realised.i have a mission.a mission to be able to feel the sweetness of forgiveness.
and i figured.if want to taste the lemon tea.i have to drink it.and if i want to feel the warmth of the sun,i have to go out.
so..if i want to feel true forgiveness.i must be forgiving.and seek for forgiveness.everytime i get the chance.

so Neb.if someone wrong you today,look at it not as a misfortune,but a chance for you to get closer to the sweetness of a real forgiveness.

so Neb.if you wrong someone today,look at it not as a unintentional flaw,but a chance to fix that unintentional flaw.


to people,lets give it a try together.shall we? because God's words and promises are not a waste.there must be something behind it.now it depends on us to dig and find it.afterall what is life for if not to be explored?

and
to Friday,may you bring me closer to the real joy of forgiveness.

this time today.lets not just say,and do.lets feel it. :) have a good Friday everyone.

trade.

day 47.

a day full of work and none to be missed.

its not as bright as yesterday.the sun seemed to be shy today.

oh its ok sun.there is still tomorrow.

retail therapy done yesterday was a great help.not to my pocket.but to my desires.

you cross my mind often lately.more often than you used to.

and i'm beginning to fear.fear that i will forget God.and He will forget me.

each day of the day ahead after the phone call was not lived fully.and again i have become ungrateful for each breath that is lent to me by Him.

this such great care towards you is unavoidable.but it does not mean i am willing to trade God's love for you.
i refused to.

and today.i fight again.fight this unsatisfied and unsettled feelings that i no not.and i may not have an army with their horses and their blades behind me.but i have words and promises of God.and if that is the only army i have.i will fight even better and stronger.because i know.the best army of all.comes only from Him.

so today you may be what i desire in this world.but not in the life after world that i desire more.

so today.i fought.and tomorrow i'll fight again.for i have no reason to trade Heaven with world.

and my truthfulness should not be yours to keep.for you have trade it with your lies and your tricks.

may we fight better tomorrow people :)

pretentious

day 46.

and i woke up with a dream from last night.

Liverpool was bright and warm yesterday.how i wish it was Malaysia.

load of work is still under control.but i am beginning to slave myself to it.

a yesterday that was filled with an afternoon nap that ended up being an evening sleep.

first lecture of yesterday was not easy.not a word was installed in the brain.my mind was diverted somewhere else.which i don't even know what and where.so i do what i do best.i pretended.like i have the whole knowledge of the world at my palm.how i wish.

that.was indeed the longest aimless lecture i have been to.nonetheless i tried.

models are almost done.a few more to go and i'll be off doing something else.indeed this is going to be a really long month.but i guess i need it to be.so that your name in my brain cells will be occupied with useful knowledge that i will somehow use it at one point of my life.and by then i will not have to pretend that i am ok.for at this moment i am not.

so it is ok long month.i welcome you.

so to yesterday.i learnt.we are such pretentious creatures.how many of us really do show our feelings and our thoughts each day we live? and how many of us bold enough to even not pretend?

if none is the answer then i won't be surprised.
we suppress our feelings and thoughts for the good and the bad.and at one point.that pretentious life that we're living will soon be so real that we can't even justify which is which.

at this point..i am really thankful for i have a God that knows everything.so that even when i'm pretending.He knows.and if i turn back to Him,He will justify which is which and i won't be lost anymore.

so to yesterday that was filled with masquarade moments,may today be different.for i always have a God to guide me.

to Wednesday,let me take my mask now.for i am sick of pretending :)

thousands of miles.

day 45.

the thought of being immobile in one place for hours is torturing enough.but the actual experience is even more worse.

and today i started my journey from a yesterday.bringing hope and will to succeed after 3 whole weeks of an unproductive life lead.

and today i brought along a heart that beats because of you.God.

and today i brought along a heart that is hurt because of your creation God.

i travel thousands of miles to find that the love that i need all these whilst is the love from one.from You.

and the phone call received from somebody who spoke nothing but lies was painful indeed.as if being cheated was not enough.but take this as a privelege Neb.for God knows you are strong and let you take this test for one last time.so that you will not again fail.

and all those time.my love was pure.but a pure love is only pure when it is towards the right one.

so today i learnt.a long transit should be avoided at all cause.
and a pure love is only for Him.not His creations.

so it's ok.hurt me all you want.for i always have God to talk to :)

14 hours.

day 44.

and today.im going back again.

hye Liverpool.bye Malaysia.i'll miss you i promise.

and to family and friends.thank you for making those 3 weeks a wonderful one indeed.

a heart was broken and a heart was also healed. :)

so i'll end today with a smile up in the air and a hope that i'll be back soon.

cheers Malaysia and to all the people inside it..

post-script : Neb has grown.because of Malaysia.so today God.thank you for making my country a country i love :)