lighter or heavier?your choice.

in the midst of ending a project.the first of the year.
i was caught in the middle of stress and giving up.
nothing seems to be easy anymore.and it gets true everyday.reality slowly slipping into the fantasy world that is almost fading.
and for a moment.i came to realise.that the longer we are on this earth.the harder it gets.
simply because.we are not stagnant creations of God.we change.we evolve.we grow.

so.this post.today.is for all the unnecessary stresses that have befallen me.
so that it shall become a reminder one day.that.....
'Neb..life gets harder each day.but it gets easier for you to realise it when the harder it gets'
and so..the entry begins......

'i was not asleep.not just yet.and my hands are still moving.reaching out for the things that needed to be finished.my body is working.but my mind was at a cross line between dead or alive.and i looked up at the phone screen.not surprised with the hour it showed.i figured.this is what life should be.you work hard.and somehow some way.there lies reward.material wise i presumed with that intention.i worked hard that night.hoping that at one point.it would be enough.and i would finally have something to show the next day.
a couple of yawns and eye bags shall not stop me.i-must-persevere.to myself i told.and hours passed by.the bed seemed nearer to me than it was hours ago.and my body would like to shut itself down for that moment.but i control the switch.and only i have the power.so i thought.ignorantly.
the constraint stressful milieu continues.the days after the next day went by.and i begin to find myself caught in between the net of stressfulness.i panicked and at times unsatisfied.with what the world has to offer.i began to work even harder,thinking that.the best of me is not the best of all.and what is the best of all will only be determined by those outside there.those other creations of God.like me.with blood in their veins and a heart under their ribs.
and so.their thoughts.their judgements.their opinions.and their decisions.became.the center of a small radius circle i call.my life.
and before i know it.in a very subtle way.the aim of life itself has changed its course.and there i was walking on a different road.again.changing my aim of life to such petty thing.a thing we call.WORLD.
and people's appreciation.judgement.attention.decision.opinion.became.the main focus.all over again.
and for each and every thing i do,the world and the things inside it mark its path right after mine.and for every line that is not align with the radius of my circle shall bring disappointment to me.and from there.all stress related things were finally born.
and there i was.becoming the central station for all the trains with bad feelings to make its pit stop.
.........................
and this happens to not just me.at least not just me.because somewhere out there.near or far.there are people who are willingly trapping themselves into the net of stressfulness too.simply because they conform to the idea of pleasing God's creations first.and then only God Himself.
because at times in life.we want to be liked.loved.accepted.admired.addored.praised.appreciated.
to a point.when we don't get it.we strive ourselves too much to realise that at the end of the day.nothing could beat the pleasure of a God towards you rather than the pseudo pleasure of His imperfect creations.
and that is why.its best to aim your life.to God.because what ever happens.He does not disappoint you.like how His creations will.and when you do that.what ever feedback you get from the world.it will not strain you.and you would not be covered with disappointment thus you will not stress yourself.
and so.
after a while.while i was cutting the card boards.and switching my brain on and off in a middle of a very cold night.i realised.i must stop burdening this soul of mine.stop torturing this body with tones of unnecessary stress.stop aiming to be the best of all.
because.when the time comes.i am not even doing all these for myself.i am doing it for God.and He'll judge me for my efforts.not for the worldly things i have achieved.and to be the best.is to be the best of yourself.God is not cruel.the world is not a race between each other.it is something for us to embrace.instead.

so hey.dear souls out there.lighten yourself.its not them that you need to impress.its Him.... :)
have a good Friday with a lighter soul people.

save me.

Forgive me Allah.for i have sin.

and the chronology of the days that passed was followed closely with many unwanted sins.
and now i am left with a heavy guilt.that this soul can't seem to bare.
indeed.i sinned.
and indeed i am ashamed.not to myself.but to God.
at a moment,the wrong doings are light enough to carry.and blur enough to be seen.
but after a while,when devil has left the building.
this soul is burdened with a massive weight of regrets and a clear view of my sinful self.
and restless i became.but not restless enough to repent.
oh my.what have become to this new faith that i am so proud of?
days passing.to speak to God became a difficult task.hiding behind the veil of sins,too embarrass to reveal the true self.
my clothes are not white enough.and my heart is as black as the night.
how will i speak?
when this vocal opening of mine,a gift from God
speaks nothing of God and nothing near to admirable deeds.
i am trapped.the heart says.
behind these bars of ribs.
and the wall of flesh.
in this dark space.
yes.i am a prisoner to the body of a prison.
and indeed this is
another phase of life.
another test of faith.
and another of my old self that i should shed away.
so to the good people around me.
please be near.
provide me the spark of fire.
to light this dimmed torch i have.
for i have a really long journey to go.
to meet this one thing i have almost lost.
that one thing, i call.......
my clean heart.

a weather.

and today it rained.lightly.slowly.and long.
and the wind became closer than a beat of a heart that i hold.
and the weather became a path of reminiscence.
the reminiscence of the day i first met you.
almost a year has it been now.almost a year we have met.
and not even a single day that passes by without you not in mind.and in heart.
and today.i walked.and drops of rain touched my covered body,sipping through layers of clothes
and reaching the skin.my skin.
and i looked up and wondered.
what have i done in this world of a traveler?
what deeds have i accomplished in this brief journey of a creation ?
simply................what?
to be so blessed to have encountered you........


oh dear Faith.

so don't you hide from me now.
reminisce the weather.
reminisce the moment.
because.........what am i.
if i have never met you.


Faith.


so don't you part with me.
because you are the only bridge to a land full of gaps.
to the other side of where....
my God.awaits.
take care now faith.
don't you leave me yet.just don't

running.fast.

run!
run!
run Neb.......

silently i told myself.
not focusing on what is in front.back.and sides.
instead.i was silently in a battle.
a heated battle that only i can feel it.
a battle to fight that is hard.
a battle that i have lost once.
and will soon lose again.
if only.
i have fought enough.

their shooting arrows at me.
and i ducked once.
again another line came in.
and i bravely blocked it.
that was close i told myself.
but...........
as i was approaching the hill.
too confident with the idea of an almost victory...
partly proud of grasping something that i have not yet earned.
a long sharp arrow was on its way.
aiming straight to my back.
forcing all the limbs in the body to be numb.
the eyes i have are in front.
and my views are to the hill.
the back is a pitch black darkness.
not a single light is shone.
again.my views are to the front.
and all i want is to be on top.
the arrow is rushing fast.
aiming for my limbs.
so am i.
running.for the half life that is still left.
hunger and thirst became closer than anything.
but my feet are still moving.
i know there are only two end results to this battle.
and i know i must either stop or run.
to parish or to survive.......
in this battle.
i call.....
the battle of life.
with devils as my enemy.
faith as my weapon.
and...God as my aim.

so today.when you open those two eyes you have.
the minute you are alive again from that deep slumber you took.
just know.
that you are back in the battle.
battle of life.
devils' arrows are everywhere.
and what you have is one.
a faith to God.
so please know you are amongst the creations of God.
created to fight...
the hunger and thirst of your lust.
the sharp fast arrows of a despise army of God
and
the weak shelter of faith.you have left.
so for today.run!run as fast as you can.
because God's rewards are nothing to be compared of to this world.
and if you fall.and fail
His pardon exceeds a mountful of failures.
so..........
RUN!
for a better faith.

and a life.after life itself.

sabiqu ila maghfirah min Rabbikum wajannatin 'ardhuha ka'ardhi sama' wal ard..
and Run towards forgiveness from your Lord and heaven which is as wide as the sky and the earth. (Hadid:21)

our actions.

the season is changing soon.
falling dry leaves are everywhere now.
and i am still here.awed by the idea of how fast time moves.
wondering.
how much time is there left?
to walk.
in this journey of pleasing God.
and that. i wonder.
have i even truly pleasured Him at all.all this whilst?

so for today.a walk after class opened these eyes i have.
and a chain of reaction became the topic that i want to write about.
finally.something to write after days of attaching myself too much to the world.
until i forgot.
that God is waiting.

so.chain of reaction.it is then...and so it begins...like this.

has it ever triggered our minds,of how our actions form invisible chain that connects us?
and how the littlest thing we perform in life could be the key to a door of another person's life?
i have.
and from there.i believe that each and everyone of us are small micro dots that form a circle.and the actions we do in life are actually the lines we draw to connect us all.
invisible lines to our eyes.but not to God.

at times.without realising it.we tend to live in a bubble.thinking that,the things we do are the things that will only affect ourselves.but.we forgot.that God created a nation of humans.not with single quantity.WE are His multiple creations that share the same land and sky.and that WE are some among the many wonders of His power.

but.................................................still.

why is it so hard for us.to see the chain?
why is it so hard for us.to grasp the idea that the things we do.could be the next thing that could connect us with another soul, separated even by time and space?
why is it so hard for us.to simply take time to bother.that there is no such thing as bubble life.and that our simplest actions could mean more to another being?

the answer to that.is simple.
we indulged ourselves in a pool of selfishness.too much.to even care.
comfort our minds to our wrong doings.too much.to even notice.
thinking that.................'yes.i am a single creation of God.and my actions would not matter to others'

but.what we perceive through our minds,at times do not correlate with the reality.
because.everything you do.even a simple gesture of kindness.smiling itself.could raises somebody's happiness to a level.that we could never imagine.
and.
even a simple bad deed.a frown on a face.could destroy somebody's hope for a lovely day ahead.we just don't know.

and this made me realise.how much i have wronged the world in so many ways,in thinking that my actions are only mine to face.without realising that maybe.just maybe.i have somehow affected another person's life.thousand of miles away.years of time ago.with a simple action.as simple as expressions.without me realising it.

and so.to all the actions we do in this journey of pleasing God.please keep in mind.that the things we do.are not only for us.but it is also for another soul out there.and even if there isn't any.just know.there is always God to witness it all.and for every action,make it a pleasure.to Him.
because.aren't we all in the same journey of pleasing Him?

promises.

long have i kept myself silent.
too attach to the world.
until i forgot what i owe God.
forgive me.

it crossed me this morning.as i was walking.
that.sometimes.when we distance ourselves so far.
it became hard to simply re-track our journey.
as if.all those footprints we had vanished into thin air.
walking on a sand with wind behind every step.
and for every step.we leave nothing behind.
and for the time being.
the wind behind me is blowing hard.
and my footprints are as light as feathers.
soon will be gone.
if i stay stagnant.and do nothing about it.
i'll be gone.soon.

so.

come on Neb!
keep your promises to God.
have you forgotten how kind He has been all this whilst?
for every tears,He kept a smile for you.
and for every pain,He gave you the antidote.
so come on... Neb.
keep your promises.
mark your footprints firm to the ground.

and.for the time being.
world.please don't be so charming.
because i am scared that i might fall for you.
and i know i am falling for the wrong thing.
when there's no God in everything i do....