the last 30th.

a year ago.
to the last 30th of January.
was a different thing.

a different look.
a different purpose in life.
a different responsibility.
a different knowledge.
a different life style.

simply.a different me.

indeed 365 days ago.i was different.

and at times.in between those times.i seat at the corner and wonder.
what had happened?
why am i looking in instead of looking out?

like seeing a show on the telly.
and i was Marilyn Monroe of my world.

but.as the days add up.
the colours of the show fade.
and soon it became a black and white screen.
giving you a sense of flashback.
just like how you used to see in movies.
and in my head.that movie is my life.
that actress.is me.
and those fading colours of the screen.those are my flashbacks.

i waited for this date to finally write.after many days of
disappearing into the worldly life full of flaws.
waiting just for the exact 365th day of me not becoming me.

honestly.it felt only like yesterday.cliche' it may be.
but its the truth that i am saying.

and so.i decided to spend the morning of a Monday the 30th.to sit and reminisce.
to go back to the last 30th i had.and so.i did.

it was the night before.
i remember.
i made a wish.
simply a wish i made with no hope attached to it.
to a God i barely know.
to a God i seldom worship.
and to a God i submit not.

a wish of a gift.
nothing too much.
something special wrap in a box with a big fluffy ribbons on top.
and that i did.
i wished.
and i waited.

days went by.still.no one came with a box.and nothing came dropping down from the sky.
i waited.and waited.and waited again.
until i thought.
why would a God answer my silly wish? after all..
i never answered His.
and those few weeks of that 12 months
went by.
still that wish of mine.was glued hard to this brain.
no hope.but just a thought.
of a wish of a gift.
from a God.

until one day.in between those 365 days.
He........ replied.
in a way that i would have never imagined it would.
in a form that i did not ask for.but still.He gave.

something special wrapped in a box.with fluffy ribbons on top.
something worth more than what i deserve.
something if its not from Him.then none can award me.

that something................

is.


consciousness

He gave me consciousness.

to know His deen better.
and to love Him more.

which is why.

i have
a different look.
a different purpose in life.
a different responsibility.
a different knowledge.
a different life style.

now.on this 365th day.

because.last 30th.God gave me something special.wrapped in a box.with fluffy ribbons on top.

and so my only wish for this another 30th.
may You be with me.for the next 365 days ahead.amin...

when the days are dark as the nights.

be it yesterday,today or tomorrow.
we are still not far from sorrow.
nothing seems to be enough to this life of hollows.
because ungrateful is a trend to follow.
so rush now.
run away from the dark shadows.
of heedless and horrors.
be it fast or slow.
stilll.save your soul.

dear humans.
to that God's rope.just hold.
have faith and hope.
just be bold.
anchor not your longing.
to this world of nothing.
remember the things
are never us to own.
because when the days are dark as the nights.
theres only one road left.
the road to the only One.

i am not sad.i am just waiting.

the thought of going back to the land of dark sky and cold wind is killing what ever happiness that is left inside of me.
again i will part with this familiar land i call home.
and to add to the already miserable state i am now.
fever and running nose could just be the things that would sum up to the whole misery equation.
so for this windy night that followed a long warm and dry day.
i suddenly found the urge to write in me.
must i warn that this shall be just some post with no aim.
a chance to rant without having any guilt towards paper waste.
and so.if you find that life is worth more than reading bits of my words.
click exit.and move on submitting yourself to the world that awaits.
but.if time is on your side.and that life is moving slower than a snail in a race.
i welcome you to more words of mine.....

so.what have i been up to since life begins?
to start of.
still not good enough a slave i am.
wrongly thinking i am not born a slave.
still refuse to submit my soul in totality.
even if i know.i own it not.
still chasing dream that is mostly forgotten.
not knowing what it really is.
still wandering about.
taking time to actually take the real route.
and
still not excelling in this job.
the job God has given.

this is how i feel.
still.i am still.

but don't get me wrong.i am not being ungrateful.nor am in in my somber mood.
i am just simply.waiting for a love.
not wanting to feel lonely in a middle of a crowd.
but wanting to feel so content even when i am alone.
don't get me wrong...i am not sad.
i am just looking for love.
such love filled with perfection.
to complete this one self.
and make myself human all over again.
i am not sad.i am just looking for love.
a reply to my love full of flaws.that i gave.
just a love i would wake up to with a smile.
alive and in death.
just that one single love that differentiates it all.
that love so strong.it would suffice the entire world.
that love...
that love....
i sent to my God.
and still waiting....
for His reply.
that only one love..........
from my only dear God..
that i adore so much.

and this is why.
i am not sad.i am just in my waiting mode.
waiting to get a reply.

but...along the way.in the wait.

i cheated.

played around behind His back
as if i fear not His hell.
but the most fear of all.
is when.He does not love me back.

because to love and to not be loved.
is painful.
too deep a cut have i got myself before.
between His creation and i.
such love filled with imperfections.
but this time around.
its different.
He is after all what perfection is.
so i have faith.He won't betray me.
He will love me back.......

if only....i truly love Him first.

more.

it has been long.i know.
hiding behind shadows.
conforming to the idea of no's.

no.you don't have to care.
no.you don't have to smile.
no.you don't have to be kind.
no.you don't have to help.
no.you don't have to love.
no.you don't need compassion.
no.you don't need societies.
no.you don't want interaction.
no.you must be selfish.
no.you ought to be rude.

and the list goes on....
up till the end.
to the one last no.

no.......you are not going to enter Jannah.

because.there is such thing as.

' HablumminALLAH (Relationship with Allah) and HablumminanNAS (relationship with man).

must I remember,I am no singular creation of Him.
He created us in multiples.and we are His Nas.
born in a society.from one generation to the next.
interacting and populating.

and so,to act wrongly to His other creations.
Is a fault.
that would cost me.my Jannah.

and this made me realise.

to care.
to smile.
to be kind.
to help.
to love.

others.

will just be the key to bring me close.to the Creator of the others.
so to dear Neb.get out from the shadow that darkens you.
push aside the idea of no's that empowered you.

remember.He says.

'Truly/indeed the believers (are) brothers, so reconciliate between your two brothers, and fear and obey God, perhaps you attain mercy' [49 :10]

to end this short once in a blue moon post.
i bid my farewell to the shadows....
and with a hope even higher than the mountains.
that i will one day be the best human to the humans.and the best slave to the One God.


so.may we all be more caring.offer more smile.be a lot kinder.convey more help and love even more.
starting from this lovely blessed Friday.
shall we?