the many good people.i met.

they were making jokes.

they were laughing.

they were smiling.

they were.

having.

fun.

how my heart grew bigger that night.
the moment when i met them.
with the same intention.with the same inspiration.with the same mission.

just.simply.
purely.

to help.

those in need.

and the honour.is mine.

that night.we cooked.we packed.and we gave.

and that night too.

we came back.

in hope.for bags full of good deeds.in return.

and a bigger heart.to help.

even more.

insyaAllah.
:)

Ramadhan yang berkali-kali

ade orang dulu.pernah bilang.
'ah Neb.kaw yer2 je bulan puase ni.baik gile kaw plak kan. sampai nak bertudung semua bagai.sat lagi pagi raye.setan balik lah kau'

aku diam.
tunduk.
hurm.
mungkin ada benar.

jadi.
aku diam.
buat apa nak bentak.
buat apa nak melalak.
kalau yang dicakap.
lebih dekat pada benar dari tipu.

jadi.Ramadhan yang itu.
Ramadhan yang untuk ke berapa kali.
yang keberapa kali itu.untuk aku cuba lagi.
cuba.cuba.dan cuba.lagi.
untuk paham.
siapa itu.ILAHI.

asal nya.
semua yang jadi,
semua atas dasar rasa segan.
dah kalau satu kelas sembahyang.
tak akan lah aku seorang.duduk tepi tiang.
tunggu macam orang bangang.
kan?

maka.wudhu' yang jarang aku ambil tu.
aku ambil.walau dengan penuh rasa malu.
aku basah kan jugak.muka.kaki.tangan.sampai ke siku.
semua nya.aku basahkan.

'alaaaa.
sembahyang aja lah Neb.
bukan susah pun.
bukan nya kau tak pernah sembahyang.
dulu kecik-kecik pun kau sembahyang'

aku cakap sorang.

lepas sembahyang yang itu.
aku sembahyang lagi.
lagi dan lagi.
lama-lama.
sembahyang yang selalu aku elak.
dah jadi macam kunci dan selak.
selagi tak bercantum.
selagi itu.aku tak tersenyum.

jadi.
aku.sembahyang.
walau sekali dalam sehari.
tetap aku buat.
'eh.asal lah aku susah-susah ni.tiap kali sembahyang.kena ambil wudhu'.
tiap kali sembahyang kena berebut telekung surau.
tiap kali sembahyang kena cecah lantai habuk.
asal susah-susah ni?'

namun.
dalam diam merungut.
masih lagi aku gerak kan kaki dan tangan.
masih lagi aku buat.
jadi.yang itu.
itu adalah.
Ramadhan.
Ramadhan aku.

semuanya.
sekali lagi.
bermula dengan segan.
segan lah.
kalau dah semua orang bertudung.
aku seorang telanjang.
penat jugak.asyik-asyik nak mengelak.
tiap kali nampak ustaz lalu depan.
penat dah nak tunduk.buat-buat tak kenal.terus jalan.
aku penat.
dengan malu.
jadi.
'ah.pakai ajalah tudung ni.paling-paling sebulan aku pakai jugak.
bukan tak pernah pakai pun.dulu tiap kali kelas agama. aku sarung kan jugak.kan?
pakai aja lah.nak malu apa. kalau sebulan pun aku pakai.paling-paling.rambut tak kena
panas.nanti dah habis sebulan.kita tengok macam mana'

maka.
sehelai kain.
aku letak kan.
atas kepala seorang yang bongkak.
sebulan.aku letak.
itulah yang aku buat.
sebulan.sekali.
itu pun.tak pernah lengkap.
kalau tak kain.paling-paling.aku pakai hoodie.

jadi.
aku.bertudung.
walau sebulan dalam setahun.
tetap aku bertudung.
'eh asal lah aku susah-susah.tiap kali bertudung.kena gosok dulu.
tiap kali bertudung.aku nampak selekeh.tiap kali bertudung.kepala mesti berpeluh.
asal susah-susah ni?'

namun.
dalam diam merungut.
masih lagi aku sarungkan kain yang itu.
masih lagi aku buat.
jadi yang itu.
itu adalah.
Ramadhan.
Ramadhan aku.

habis Ramadhan.
benar.
aku masih lagi yang dulu.
tapi yang dulu.bukan lagi aku.
dalam sembahyang yang jarang-jarang.
dalam aurat yang tak pernah lengkap.
aku.
bukan.aku.
tapi.kalau dah kepala keras macam batu.
kau bilang lah apa saja.tetap aku buat tak tahu.
ha.yang itu.aku
tapi.

diam diam.walau tak mengaku.
aku tahu.
aku.
bukan.aku.
yang dulu.

2 Ramadhan yang itu.
3 tahun yang lalu.
buat aku keliru.
Ramadhan dah habis.
kenapa masih lagi aku sebuk-sebuk nak sembahyang?
kenapa masih lagi skirt-skirt,short-short tu semua aku nak buang?
kalau batu itu keras.kepala aku lagi keras.
aku kembali aku.
dan Tuhan?

Tuhan masih di situ.
dan tanpa aku sedar.
2 kali Ramadhan yang itu.
Dia.tengok betul-betul dekat aku.

walau setahun lepas itu.aku tunggu.
mungkin.dalam solat yang berterabur.
dalam cubaan menutup yang tak berapa nak jadi.
Dia.bantu.aku.

maka dari itu.
dengan macam cara.
dengan apa cara.
lepas puas aku lari beribu batu.
Allah pilih aku.
untuk tak lagi jadi aku.
untuk aku sedar.
mungkin dah masanya.
aku benar sujud pada lantai yang berhabuk itu.
aku benar tutup aurat aku yang satu itu.

dan.
dalam aku sedar.atau tak.
aku minta sedikit aja sebenarnya.
aku minta biar aku sembahyang 5 kali sehari.
aku minta biar aku menutup dengan rendah diri.
itu je?

tapi kalau dah Maha Pemberi.
Dia mesti beri yang lebih.
jadi aku berhenti tanya kenapa.
kenapa aku?
sebab.aku tahu.
kalau bukan aku.
aku sendiri lah yang rugi.

jadi.ada orang tanya.
setahun yang lepas.
'Neb kenapa berubah?'

jawapan aku sangat mudah.

Islam itu terlalu indah.
untuk aku tidak berubah. :)

sembahyang lah.walau sekali.
mungkin yang sekali itu.yang Allah tunggu.

berniat lah.walau sekali.
mungkin yang sekali itu.pengubah nasib mu.

dan 2 Ramadhan itu.
walau lambat berlalu.
tetap.mengubah aku.

insyaAllah.

you came back! :D

we meet every year.
and every year you came.
each year you came.
its always my sadness that you tame.

its never a long visit.
a brief one.every time.
but you came.
nonetheless.
without shame.
i sit and wait.

i know.
i appreciate you never.
though i know too.
its always you.
that i remember.
if you still remember.
great fun.
it was last year.
you came.with packs of smiles.
pure joy. even for a while.

but.
when its over.
you just had to go.
we parted.
and the grief became me.
how i wish you would stay.
but you were never mine.
so you say.

i surrendered.
i let you walk away.
and i cried.though i never cried for you.
instead.you told me.
its okay. with Allah's will.
we'll meet again.
and i waited.
and waited.
and waited.
but you never came.

now.
after a long wait.
with hopes and cries.
a year full of ache.
finally.
in front of me.
you came.

you greeted.
Salam Neb.

with a smile i replied.
Salam to you too.

Ramadhan.  :)

pak cik Din dan soya aku

'oh.pak cik raya memang seorang-seorang.dekat sini lah'

'buka puasa nanti di Masjid'

bilang pak cik Din.

jatuh jantung aku sekejap.

tapi masih.aku senyum.

alahai pak cik.kalau lah kau tahu.

-------------

4 tahun lepas.

aku jalan gelak-gelak.

'faster lah wey.tuition starting soon.I NEED my soya.'

lari-lari kiteorang turun bawah.

tangga kasturi sempit.

pelajar banyak.

tapi aku ni kecil.

aku lalu jugak.

dalam kepala.

'aku mesti dapat soya aku!'

lari cepat-cepat  ke Petaling Street.

yer.masa tu belum ada bumbung cantik.

belum ade jalan cantik.

yang ada.semua kedai.

ah beng-ah beng.amoi-amoi jerit suruh beli.

haa.yang itu ada.dan masih ada.

tengah-tengah.kedai beg.kedai baju.kedai jam.

aku jalan laju.

'i must get my soya!'

lepas selit-selit.langgar-langgar.

sampai depan kedai soya.

'yes!.mission accomplished,5 minutes before class starts.faster woman!'

seringgit.lima .puluh.sen.

dan akhirnya.satu soya bungkus.milik aku.

'fuiyo!'

senyum lebar.

rasa puas.bila dapat apa yang aku mahu.

walaupun sebungkus soya bukan perkara yang besar.

tapi aku jalan jauh dengan kudrat aku.

jadi takde sebab untuk tak rasa suka.

'ok.we need to go now!'

laju.aku lari.

kawan dekat depan.aku dekat belakang.

'habislah.berpeluh lah masuk kelas macam ni.alaa.tak hot lah gini!'

berpeluh sakan.tapi kaki masih laju.

sambil lari.sambil minum.

aaaah.puas!

sampai depan 7 eleven.

lagi 8 langkah tangga kasturi.

aku berhenti.

Allah.

satu pak cik.

tadah tangan.

atas lantai.

dia minta duit.makanan.minuman.

apa saja.

dia minta.hidup.

sungguh.yang itu aku nampak.

sungguh.dia minta.maruah.

maruah yang baru.

'eh Neb.come!'

kawan yang dah dekat depan.

bilang suruh cepat.

tapi aku berhenti.

dalam hati minta sangat-sangat

'tolong lah ada duit lagi dalam kocek skirt ni.tolonglah!'

puas aku cari.

sayang.

yang tinggal hanya sepuluh sen.

'adoi! lagsi betul lah!.time gini lah semua duit hilang macam angin'

sungguh.dengan rasa segan.

ketar-ketar aku hulur tangan.

sepuluh sen itu jugak yang aku letak perlahan lahan.

Allah.

dia minta maruah baru.aku hanya beri sepuluh sen?

sungguh.maruah dia bukan harga yang itu.

sungguh.maruah dia lebih!

aku diam.tunduk malu.

maaf pak cik.bukan aku tak mahu.

tapi aku tak ada.

sungguh.memang tak ada.

dalam hati aku cakap.

'janji pak cik! lepas habis kelas nanti.saya turun.bawak lagi.'

yang itu.memang aku janji.

tapi.

bila turun lagi.

pak cik dah pergi.

sedih aku sendri-sendiri.

nak buat macam mana.dah bukan rezeki.

esoknya

ada kelas.

lagi sekali.aku kalut sebuk carik soya.

macam kalau tak ada soya.tak boleh belajar.

tah hape2 tah.

lagi sekali.aku lari.lagi sekali. aku berhenti.

eh.pak cik yang sama!

wah! ni memang rezeki!

cepat-cepat aku hulur seringgit.

aku sangka.

'yes.kali ni puas.dapat beri'

dengan seringgit aku sangke.

oh.makanan.minuman.

maruah baru!

semua dia akan dapat!

tapi sungguh.

aku bodoh.

dalam 7 eleven aja.

seringgit tak boleh beli apa-apa.

nak beli air soya aku pun.belum cukup seringgit yang itu.

alaaaaahai.

'masih belum cukup Neb.masih belum!'

malam tu juga.

aku duduk.

aku minta.

puas puas aku minta.

walau tahu.dahi ini jarang sekali mahu sujud.

tapi aku tetap mahu minta.

sebab kalau bukan pada Dia.dekat siapa lagi aku nak minta?

perlahan dalam hati aku bilang.

kalau boleh. beri aku apa adanya Allah.

tolong.beri aku apa saja.untuk aku beri pada dia.

dia.dia.dia.dia.dia dan dia-dia yang lain.

biar mereka tak kenal lagi erti lapar.

biar mereka lupa penat terlantar.

biar mereka rasa.maruah yang mahal.

sungguh.biar mereka.

rasa.

memang masa dulu.

tak pernah lagi terlintas.

apa itu erti memberi.

aku sangka.hidup ini dah cukup mudah.

dah cukup selesa.

dapat segala yang aku minta.

yang murah.yang mahal.

semua aku ada.

tapi.

aku lupa.

aku mungkin bahagia.

tapi banyak lagi yang sengsara.

sedih.pada diri.

alahai. cetek nya hidup.

kalau sekadar sesuap nasik.

aku perlekeh kan.

bayang kan ramai yang kebulur.

meminta-minta.

kalau tak sesuap nasik.

setengah pun mungkin dah cukup pada mereka.

jadi.

aku berhenti.

berhenti untuk rasa bangga dengan dunia.

yang konon aku jaja.

dari sini ke sana.

dari akhir.ke mula.

aku berhenti.

ya Allah.

biar kau sedarkan aku selalu.

bila mana aku lupa dan tak mahu.

wujudkan lah rasa malu.

malu dengan bongkak ku.

malu dengan kikir ku.

malu dengan dunia ku.

biarlah aku terus beri.

beri.beri.dan memberi.

biar sampai maruah pak cik yang itu.

jadi lebih mahal dari maruah aku sendiri.

4 tahun.sudah.pergi.

masih.ramai lagi yang meminta.

masih ramai lagi yang sengsara.

dan kadang-kadang.

masih lagi aku terlupa.

yang Pak cik Din.

itu hari aku jumpa.

juga.adalah.mereka.

dan esok lusa.

mungkin aku jadi juga mereka.

alahai.

percayalah.

kehidupan manusia antara sesama manusia itu.

adalah ujian dan nikmat dari Allah.
kalau kita saling menyukar kan.kita adalah ujian untuk sesama kita.dan kadang kala.kita gagal.
kalau kita saling menyenangkan.kita adalah nikmat yang tak terhingga.dan kadang kala.kita lupa.
sungguh.kita memang kena sedar.sebaik baik manusia.adalahmanusia yang paling bermanfaat pada manusia yang lain.

so make our every breath.worth.for another person who is also breathing. 

biar.nafas aku yang ini.jadi nafas Pak cik Din.lain hari. 

insyaAllah.

Who is he that will lend to Allah a goodly loan so that He may multiply it to him many times? And it is Allah that decreases or increases (your provisions), and unto Him you shall return. 

[2:245]

photo by Umar Mita.my new favourite photographer.he-he.

something small for something big.

i would settle down.

with just.
being steadfast in those 5 times prayers.

with just
being steadfast in those 30 days of fasting.

with just
being steadfast in covering my head.

with just
being steadfast in being a decent daughter.

i would settle down.

for that.and.
just.that.

but.
for the things that i wished for.

He gave.even more.

and sometimes i wonder.

am i even worth.the honour?

this soul? this sinner soul? this trash?
on the path of enlightenment?
are you sure?

again. i uttered.countless uttering.

seriously.i would settle down.
with just.
the lowest point of heaven.
somewhere just right above hell.
just the least.
not too hot nor too cold.just for me to bare.

yes.even that.it would be fine.

but oh.no.no.no.
You held my heart.and You squeezed it hard.
ask more.You said.
and from there.
i did.

again.i would settle down with just that.
with just a Muslim as a title.
a title to hold.
nothing more.and nothing less.
really.that's what i've been told.

but again.You offered.
more than i bargained.
still.without fail.
ask MORE.You said.
and subconsciously.i did.

drowned in my own sins.
You pulled me out.
a Saviour that i yelled for.
silently in the darkest pit.
and You came.
each time.
anywhere.anytime.

again.i thought.

so little that i asked.
not a sign of  dare.
to all Your Might.and to all Your Power.
but just a sign of shame.
to my endless long sins.

really.truly.really.
i asked so little.
but You gave even more.

i asked You.to let me pray.
and You opened my heart.
to the things You say.

i asked You.to let me fast.
and You opened my heart.
to the wonders of hunger and thirst.

i asked You.to let me cover.
and You opened my heart.
to the miracles of modesty.

honestly.i did not ask for a different path.
something simple.something.in the middle.
but no.
You gave me more.

Tarbiyyah.
You gave me instead.

oh.indeed.thank you.Allah.

 Do they seek other than the religion of Allah (the true Islamic Monotheism - worshipping none but Allah Alone), while to Him submitted all creatures in the heavens and the earth, willingly or unwillingly. And to Him shall they all be returned. 
(  سورة آل عمران  , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter 3, Verse 83)

a letter to my future self.

Dear Neb.

i'm writing to you now with a high hope.that someday.
when you lose your way. these are the words that you would be reading.
may Allah guide you to these virtual words that i kept safe for you.

in the name of Allah.and so i begin. . . .


to you my dearest Neb.
please may you still be in the comfort and warmth of Allah.
while these words accompany you.one letter at a time.
-

Neb. once.i told you.and i shall tell you again.
too far have you gone now.will you not see?
too far off to make the starting line seems vague.
too far off to take that step backward.
and
too far off to be stoping for a break.

and so.if you ever fortuitously dismiss this journey from your mind.

close your eyes tight.and remember.well.

all those emptiness you used to have?
all those endless questions with no answers?
all those sleeps with tears still not dried?
and.
all those confusions that scarfed your soul bit by bit?

remember those.

. . . . .


and now.
remember these.

for each and every empty space you have in your hollow heart.
Allah came.and filled it.
so have you no shame and deny it?

for all those questions dangling in your mind.unanswered.
Allah came.and spared you the answers.
so have you no shame and yet deny it?

for all those sleeps that you fail to smile for.
Allah did come.and guarded your soul still.
so have you no shame and still deny it?

and

for all those unheard confusions.that became a friend.
Allah vanished it.in a brief swept.it went away.
so have you no shame and must you deny it?

oh dear Neb.
your soul is young.
an unseasoned traveller.
a fresh first breath.
that is what you are.

so overwhelmed yourself not.
if you trip. remain poise.
if you fall.stand up.
because. there is no perfect joy.nor will there be perfect misery.
in life.

so please.
do not remove the light that lightens the darkness with your own hands.
do not pray for an easy life. if the hard ones are the ones that made you who you are.
and do not.forget

to just.simply.just.
be.



grateful.

with love and countless care,
yourself. 

bicara yang tertunggak.

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.you were dead.

because how can u be dead.

if you are still in my head?

i would tell u  i lied.

if i tell you.im in your heart.

because for somebody who is dead.

you have no heart.

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.you have tried.

because.if you really did.

in my heart.you won't be dead.

i would tell you i lied.

if i tell you.you are my pride.

because.how can i be proud.

for somebody who is dead?

i would tell you i lied.

if i tell you.it wasn't hard.

because how can it be easy.

if there are things left unsaid?

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.i am sad.

because how can i be.

if without you.

that's when i found.
God.

untuk benda yang jarang jarang kita sedar.
dan jarang jarang kita peduli.
yang terhilang itu.mungkin lebih baik dari ada.
jadi senyum.sungguh.bukan untuk yang lain.
tapi untuk  diri sendiri.yang masih lagi ada.

oh Allah.will you smile back?

i have been lazy. that i have to admit. lazy to move my fingers.to think of words in my brain.to share my feelings and my thoughts.and most of all. to work for Allah. i have been lazy.yes. that i admit.
and that is why.i write less.and i share less.each of every time.because.blindly i thought.i shall not be judged.
so. yes.this is my confession.after weeks of disappearing into the midst of naf's and flaws of  the world.oh wallahi!i have wronged Allah.and cheated His time.so hear out my confession dear creations of God.so that insyaAllah you will not be amongst me who wasted His blessing of breaths.

In the name of Allah.the Most Merciful and the Most Forgiving.

Far have i travelled now.too far to look back and turn.but my pace is getting slower.and i dragged my feet instead of running fast.nothing is pulling me back except my own heart.it was hard to remove the black dots but it is also I who blackens it again. In the process of changing from the state of ignorance to a state of knowing.the purpose behind it all was blurred.and i hide behind my religion.cheating my thoughts and telling myself.yes.this is for Islam.and this is for Allah. but oh. how much i have been fooled by myself.
i lost the real purpose of it along this long journey.and i single handedly displaced my intention without even knowing it. how subtle it was. even my mind was cheated. and now. i dont merely blame syaitan.i blame myself too.very much.

So there i was.walking sluggishly.dragging my feet towards God as if i was forced to do it.and for a moment.i stopped.and there it was. that big question.the one that i refused to look at.because i know.i will cheat my way out for an answer. WHY DID YOU REALLY CHANGE? slowly i whispered trying hard to unswallow the answer.
 .'for Allah'. i said.
Not daring enough to shout it out loud.because my heart knows and He knows. that i have altered my own intention.and i have included the filth of the world in this so called pure journey that i claimed i embarked on.oh my. right then i knew. my heart is still very black. the shade has not changed at all.
because every time i try to brighten it. i removed the light with the false intention i have.the intention to please humans.instead of Allah. oh Allah. indeed i have served you with hypocrisy.
and so. i took a moment to revert my intention. and to understand that. my faith has levels.and sometimes it can go up so high that it touches the sky and sometimes it can abate.even lower than the deepest point in the earth.and for every time that happens,i must not divert from the real purpose. the purpose to smile to Allah one day and to have Him smiling back to me.insyaAllah.

Now. after a hard hit on the head.i have awaken from a slumber of laziness. and i shall keep on walking this journey even if i have to drag my face.i shall insyaAllah. after all. if its not for His mercy.i would not even have the taste of life.even for a second.

that black box changed me.silently.

masyaAllah.masyaAllah.masyaAllah.my heart teared.captivated by the moment.as these eyes laid its view on the most surreal view of all.this is it.the place i direct my body and my soul to.5 times in a day.thousands of miles away.25 brief minutes of 24 hours in a day,a minute portion i take to have that sacred conversation with You.this. is. the.place.this.is.it.this is. Kaaba'

walking towards it.silently.i spoke.knowing with all my heart.He hears.
 'Thank you' i said.

thank you for welcoming this sinner soul.
thank you for still wanting me even if the whole world doesn't.
thank you for giving me that chance that i don't deserve.
thank you for listening even though i worth not the listen.
thank you for looking over me even if i don't know.
thank you for staying for each and every time i walked away.
thank you for having the patience for all the patience that i own not.
thank you for being the Saviour when i needed one.
thank you for always giving me the faith that i have given up on.
and thank you.
for wanting me over and over again.even if You don't need me.

i would write even longer.i could if i want.but i would know.no word would suffice the experience and the pleasure i have gone through.so i decided.to let it be a secret.between Him and I.because silently.i have changed.and it would be enough if He is the only One that knows it.

until i see you again oh dear Kaaba'.because to be near you.keeps Allah close to me.insyaAllah.