pada Dia.

day 3.

of being tested with great doubts in life.

doubt that i will ever find a better place to work at.
doubt that i will still be alright  still after days of sorrows.
doubt that i will marry just the right guy.
doubt that my dreams are nearer each day.

doubt.

but.

in spite of all that.

today.
as i was driving back.
for day 3.

i realised.
my doubts are a waste.
because life my dear friends.

is nothing but a bridge and never an end point.

so,
for today.
why so serious neb.

Allah kan ada.

rezeki pada Dia.
bahagia pada Dia.
jodoh pada Dia
impian pada Dia.

dan aku.

aku empunyanya Dia.

kan?

jadi.nak risau apa.

Allah kan ada. . .

:)

of many doors.

day 2.

of realising what actually matters in life.

today.

after months of detaching myself from whats important.

i am finally again on track with my dreams and intentions.

a small brief gathering.
that gave a room for the soul to finally breathe.

indeed i was at ease.
even for  just a few minutes of life.


though i know.
life will again consume me when the sun appears itself between the clouds.
however.
i believe.
Allah must have heard.
my cries in between the pseudo smiles i present to the world.
for months now.
months indeed.

He must have known.
i was suffocating in between distractions.

and today.
He answered.
with  a brief encounter of 5 strangers.
which reminded me.
of how much i miss the feeling of missing Allah.

the topic that was discussed was of mere simplicity.

the doors of hearts.

and it begins . . . . .






the doors of our hearts are many.
the more we have.
the more vulnurable whats inside becomes.
one key to a door is easier to keep than many.

and so as i was listening.
i reflected back my life for these past few months.
and i realised.

i have indeed created unwanted doors one too many.
for a small fragile heart to contain.

the door of ostentation
the door of miserliness
the door of envy
the door of  negative thoughts
the door of fear of poverty.
the door wantonness.

simply.
the door of loving the world more than what is offered in the life after.

and today.
im shutting it all close.
throwing the key in the darkest deepest sea.

simply because.

i have an iman that is worth the battle to keep safe inside.

closing the heart.
until the real good  thing in life happens.

insyaAllah. 

another 100 days.

day 1.

of knowing myself.

again.

of yet a hundred days.
ahead.
truly just.
reversing back to a once known journey.

it has been almost 2 months now.

since i embarked on a life of work.
a life of yet another responsibility.

and one thing i realised.

the intention made.
to work for only His sake.

could flip in just a second.
the moment when i let myself admit.
that there is another entity for me to impress.

not merely for the sake of obligation.
but deep down.
if i am truly an honest person.

i would know.
that i have not been honest.

i work for me.
and me.

and from a day to another.
i disguise the ill intention and sugar coat it with reasons.

and now i tire myself.
reasoning in between reasons.
simply to sooth a heart that is darken.

so today.
after months of being back home.
i just feel like being away.

away from all the responsibilities that are pulling me away.
from the only responsibility that matters.

of being a true servant to the most Merciful God.

and today.
if no one is pulling me out.
i am pushing myself in.

i miss that soul that misses her Lord.
i miss that soul that is not easily bought.
by a price.
the world has to offer.

by soothing words of merely a stranger.

i am.
for day 1.

pushing it all away. 
for the better.
insyaAllah.

go away world. i miss my God.

of shattered soul hidden behind the veil of blissfulness.

it has been a while.

i know.

wandering soul of yet again.
in great lost of a journey.

i have not been myself lately.
too consumed with life.
that i forgot.
this is not the place where i shall forever reside.

this.
is only.
nothing but a place of brief pause.

i forgot who i want to be.
or probably what i should be.

those dreams.
those aims.
those longing of a life with just pure contentment.
seems further away than it used to be.

and i am in a journey of losing.
to a forgotten thought.
of having nothing.
than just a God.

an intention.
made.
purely to remain near Him.
changed into nothing.
but a promise made of great hypocrisy.

wallahi.
i miss my Creator.
and wallahi.
i have not made enough effort.
to keep Him nearer.

of yet another phase in life.
i will soon change.
if i let the silence within.
remain.
silent.

oh dear self.
snap.
please do. 

and realise.
no one.
nor anything.
should be your source of your happiness.
except the One who Created you.
from of merely dust.
and nothing more.

----------------------------------
i just need to disappear.
just this time.

just for a while.

just before i realise.
i have traded my soul.
to a world.
of finite.

grant me my wish o my Lord.
bring me back to years before.
to a day when i first knew.
there is no happiness.
rather than to be with You.

submitting.

i'm at the edge of crossing simplicity and complexity.
the thought of knowing that to achieve simplicity could be even more complex than i expected it to be.

baffled by it.
very much.

and in the pursuit of Lord's love.
i abondoned Lord Himself.
simply because.

we live by the idea of surrounding.
of a culture that is dying.
of a respect that pushes itself through the door.

i am.
indeed.
living at the edge of crossing simplicity and complexity.

and at times.
if i could just pick my soul out of the crowd.
drown it in a clean water.
i would.

simply because.
i suffocate.
in between smiles and laughter.
i let my soul submit.
to the world without the idea of life after.

-----------------------

when.

of 103 days ahead.

of sharing thoughts and feelings.

of knowing that if i smile.

you will be the reason.

and if i cry.

you will be the soother.

insyaAllah.

may Allah ease the 103 days.
of reaching thousands days more.

for Allah.
and for Him only.

insyaAllah.

:)