i feel truly blessed.

if i could hug Allah now.

i would.

:)

me in another me.

i truly believe in the idea that we can never really know a person in its entirety.

be it someone who we have known for years.
or just seconds.

there is no way.
a person could know another person right to the core.

because in all honesty.
at all times.
we don't even know ourselves entirely.

life itself is a process of engagement with oneself.
a point of building up confidence,trust  and tolerance.
of discovering the entity within us WITH the others.
and it is somehow true that.
we only know ourselves.
when we try to get to know others.
probably the reason  why we are designed to live in a community.
and not in solitary.

and that became a thought that i kept to myself  for these past few months.
in pursuit of knowing a stranger.
i somehow.
got to know myself.
even more.

and that triggered to an even longer ponderation.
of what is the true meaning of 'the other half'

years before.
i have always thought.
that the idiom of 'the other half'
has always been interpreted as a poetic gesture of what love is.
a way of expressing romanticism of two becoming one.

but somehow.
i think.
as i get to know myself even more by day.
i truly believe.
it goes beyond that .
more than just to complete a sonnet of love.
even more than just describing the randomness of everything in this world that are created in halves that will soon collide and merge into one.
even more than that.

because.
truthfully.


i don't  simply buy all that.

--------------------------------------

i guess.
deep down.
theres always that stand that i hold strongly.
believing that.
in order for us to find the other half.
we should have been 'one' with ourselves.
firstly.

and along the journey.
of countless prayers.
and silent talks with Allah.

i presume somehow.after all that .
He is indeed giving me a pinch of my own theory.

and i thought.
it would be nice for me to share it here.

--
so.
a stranger was presented.

someone i have not known.
not aware of existence.
and was not incline to know even.
at first.

but.
somehow.
God has His ways of doing things.
and in the process of randomness.
i have put myself as the subject of my own hypothesess.

will i be able to know a stranger like how i know myself- Hypothesis 1.
how far true is it that in finding the other half. i am actually finding myself - Hypothesis 2.

months went by.
and as i try to proof my own theory.
gathering evidence.
making analysis.
i was subconsciously. without realising it. living my theory. in reality.

if we talk about getting to know a person.
how do we actually know one?
is it by his/her character?
stands in life?
opinions and knowledge?
background of life?
facts and figures?
thoughts and feelings?

the list goes on.
but the question remains.

how do one put oneself at a point of knowing another being?
how.

and.so.
i tried to relate it to my stand of what the other half should have meant.
of how to know someone.
and of how to know oneself.

and as i proceed with the journey.
one particular thing that i realised is that .

with the effort.
and the time and the chances.
spared into getting to know another being.

i realised.

i was actually.
getting to know myself.

from a different perspective.
from a different entity.

from a different 'me'.

of who.
i actually am.

and it dawned on me that.
probably.
'the other half' would have meant that - it is how you know yourself at that particular of actually knowing someone else.

and somehow.
the phrase 'the other half' is actually the idea of you finding yourself.
in the midst of finding someone else.

its not merely about 1 + 1 = 2.
or finding the other side of a frame that fits.
but its actually.

knowing who you are when you are around that person.
and how the other being brings up the good or the bad in you.

and through that .
i understood.
slowly.

that all this while.
in this life.
we spend hours and hours and at times years after years.
to convince ourself that we are at a point of really knowing another being.
but.
i guess.
that should not have been the real case.
it shouldn't be about finding the other half entirely.
but it should also be about finding yourself when you are of great confidence of finding the other.

simply because.
you are the half of yourself.
and the only way of actually knowing your other half is to know yourself when you are with that person.

what good nature does the person bring out of you.
what sort of contentment you feel when you are around him/her.
what kind of a person you are. at that moment.

and at the end of the day.
if everything leads to Allah.
in all its pureness.

you would probably by then.
truly understand.
that.
'the other half' is not merely another person.
but its you.
when you are with that person.

so.in a way.
in trying to find the half that is so called missing.
we ought to actually find the time to realise that.
its not about how the person fit you.
but how your soul fit yourself when you are with the person.


well.
as for me.
i may have or may have not.
have truly found it yet.
but if there comes a day
where i am blessed to have that sort of thing with another person
'the other half' as people may say it.

i would have by then an idea.
of what.
it really is.


the other half of me.
is simply.

me.

may Allah grant me better understanding.
and may He let me find 'me' in another 'me' .
(say ameen jura-juta kali.please)

insyaAllah. :)

trapped.

in between the wants of everyone.

except of mine.

a note to a soul of a stranger.

hush young soul.

too many to achieve as your goal.
pause. before life takes its toll.
one by one.
the world will still be proud of you.
i am the most.
even if you are just a cleaner with a lovely soul.

so hush young soul.

one by one mark your steps.
don't tripple over loaded burden.
because a fired soul will be useless.
without a patient heart to guide it through.

so hush young soul.

one by one.

i'll back you up.
still.

but.
one by one.

insyaAllah.

astonished faith of souls.

there is nothing of great beauty than to be able to share the same faith with another soul. . .

quite surreal yet very real.

how sweet it is to have faith as the link of one soul to another.

and it is truly an honour to have been given the opportunity to share it with others. 

i have not done much.

i know. 

but Allah in all His sweetness has spared me nothing but goodness.

lately. 

i get to really feel to connect to another person with just of common faith as the reason. 

though i was drown within the clash of culture, normalcy of my origin and diverse thoughts of the religion since i got back.

still. 

in drowning, life itself pulls me out of a deep sea of confusion.

and there. 

i was. 

speaking.interacting.connecting.

to others. 

in a way i have never truly been.

just of one common ground. 

we pray to the same Lord. 

lately.

i find myself more reserved yet open. 

more inquisitive yet relaxed.

i am at this moment.

at the verge of truly understanding the meaning of ukhuwah ( divine relationship for the sake of Allah) between souls that have long or recently submit itself to the only one Creator. like me. in a way.

yesterday , i spent an afternoon with a good friend .

and of long hours.

we speak nothing of besides the beauty of Islam. 

a year ago.

i remember.

another afternoon with her.

i struggled to project my new found peace.

hard to explain with words.such limited vocab to explain the divine power of faith.

not that mine was solid. but still. its beauty is merely unexplainable.

and the only thing i said to her was. 

'words can't do justice to it. i have nothing but prayers that you may feel it too one day'

and true enough.

a year after.

after a few minutes struggle to contain the feeling of contentment of finally finding God. 

she burst.

and words of Allah filled her mouth. 

and right then.

right then i knew. 

she has felt it too. 

hours.and hours. 

we talked.

almost about everything.

and everything was about Islam and its beauty. 

such delicate soul finding its way to a divine beauty.

and again.

if i was asked to describe it. 

not a single word in the dictionary could fit the feeling. 

and later today.

i had another chance to spend hours and hours.

with yet another friend. 

and this time around. 

its truly another connection made. 

only so few souls as such i came across from time to time. 

only a few who could understand my words. 

and i of them.

because most of the time. i fear to voice out my contained feelings of nothing but Islam.

fear to be judged as someone who is being extravagant in faith.

fail in splitting myself in between being a secularist or a fundamentalist. 

being modern. or orthodox.

because truthfully. 

Islam isn't both.

Islam is Islam as it is.

independent of definition.

or reason. 

and i find great joy of every year in a day.

i am blessed to have a date with these people. 

Alhamdullilah. 

and there i thought to myself. 

wouldn't it be nice to have someone to share thoughts and feelings with like i have with them.

everyday of every year. 

not just an annual thing. 

not to just talk about Islam.

but to actually live it together. 

and that became a reason why.

there is such thing as the other half. 

because.

in spite of great company i get to experience in a day of every year. 

i need the whole 365 days.

there is so much more about Islam.

that this soul wants to share it with. 

and to my two lovely friends. 

i pray hard.

we become neighbours in Jannah.

(please say ameen)

i don't mind sharing the lawn and the big tall mango tree with them.

not at all.

insyaAllah. 

and to whom ever that is reading this. 

please make dua for me.

that one day.

i have just the right ears and mouth.

just the right heart and thoughts. 

to accompany my 365 days. 

of loving nothing but being in love with Islam. 

corpses of Nile.

my heart could not have bled more this morning when i woke up.

wallahi.
i am already missing the brothers and sisters i have not known.

and again. most of them are leaving us.

and nothing is of sooth but the thought of knowing.

their souls are in good hands of Allah .

insyaAllah .

i wanted to plan more of the things i am supposed to do today.
but as i browse my list.
a sense of shame came rushing in filling the heart.


it was solely filled with such petty things of the world.

and looking at the news of  what is currently happening.

i feel limbless.
i feel trapped.

if they bleed for Allah.
i on the other hand. is gathering greed against Allah.

the greed of grasping world.
hoarding pebbles that are worthless over gems.

wallahi.
news like this.
of my far away kins.
could not have been worse.

every time this happens.
i begin to question.
upon a life that i am leading.

is it just for the sake of breathing?

o soul.
if they fear not death.
why do you fret much of leaving a body that will soon turn to corpse?

and that made me wonder.
with such faith we parade.
if tomorrow comes a day.
for us to shed our blood.
will we do the same?

Allahu. .  .  .

will i?

'Sesungguhnya krisis global yang dialami dunia yang menimpa umat manusia dengan begitu dahsyatnya, penyebabnya tidak lain adalah kekikiran. Kekikiran diri bukan hanya sikap kikir untuk mengeluarkan harta saja, namun juga termasuk perasaan ego dan hanya berbuat sesuatu untuk kepentingan dirinya semata. Sehingga hilanglah rasa cinta dan kasih sayang antara sesama manusia, dan mereka berada dalam konflik yang tiada hentinya.' -Al-Banna-

of vast difference of Cairo

i am in the midst of reading a book of an American woman who converted to Islam when she decided to stay in Cairo  years ago.

and i am too in the midst of reading news of the people in Cairo being massacred without mercy as of this moment.

of two vast difference of things.

a description of the beauty of Cairo once from the eyes of a disbeliever who were breathing the air of Egypt almost a decade ago. and a reality known fact of a blood pool Cairo from the eyes of a believer who are thousands of miles away as of this moment.

and nothing could describe the feeling of knowing my brothers and sisters  as i am writing this. are in  agony.

no weapons as for now could be as valuable as our dua for them .

and the silence agony of my heart could only be translated into writings.
sadly.

nonetheless.
for tonight.
my cries are for those who bleed.

may Allah be with those whose hearts are for Him.

And never think of those who have been killed in the cause of Allah as dead. Rather, they are alive with their Lord, receiving provision [3:169]

Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakeel.

Muslims of Islam.

earlier today a friend was complaining of her confusion.

a matter of how hard it is for her to practice Islam in a country full of Muslims and the proud claimed land of Islam.

i can't say more to her than a line of quote from a famous Egyptian scholar.

'I went to the West and saw Islam, but no Muslims, I got back to the East and saw Muslims but no Islam' 

-Muhammad Abduh-

because oh dear friend. 

i too.

am experiencing it. 

and indeed its true when they say.

the more complacent you are. the more forgetful you become. 

forgetful that.

Islam.

is not simply an ideology by birth. 

but a religion admitted by the heart and transformed by our actions. 

indeed we all need to be less complacent with the idea of Heaven being ours without us even really trying, simply because our dads made adhan (prayer calling) to our ears when we were a day old. 

and that made me think.

i have tasted a pinch of the true meaning of Islam in the later years of my life.

imagine if i provide my children ( no. don't start asking.eh neb dah ada anak? TAK ADA. im talking metamorphic-ally) an early exposure to it. 

its sweetness from birth.

oh.

wouldn't it be a great investment indeed! 

insyaAllah. 

may i be steadfast.

and mindful.

of how a Muslim of Islam is and should be. 

because.

this time around.

my children do not have to travel to the West. to see it.

it should be in the house where they live in. 

:)

of 1000 desires

I once had a 1000 desires,but in my ONE desire to know you,

all else melted away.

-Rumi-

I have always loved poetry.and it wouldn't be surprising to know that Rumi has always been in the list.

and today as i was browsing through the list of poems i have.

this one caught my attention well. 

Very well.

It depends on how one translate it as. 

But for me. 

Of all desires i have.

The one that tops it all.

Has always been to know more and more of my Creator.

and this poem fits the feeling well enough. 

Just imagine.

Wouldn't it be extremely wonderful.

To finally one day.

Getting to meet and to know the One that has been the very reason of my creation. 

The One that decided.

I am to be born.

and I am to die.

InsyaAllah.

may Allah grant me the chance to know Him more and more.

only for the sole purpose of loving Him more and more.

and.

as i was reading it again.

another thought came.

something a little bit different.

but of similar sweetness.

but lesser.

I wonder too how it feels to REALLY know someone.

though it would be at the verge of impossible.

but.

i do believe .

Allah created us in halves.

so that we understand the concept of searching the other half.

to know.

and to understand.

to whom ever it might be.

on this earth or beyond this life.

may i know him enough.

to love him enough. 

for Allah.
InsyaAllah.

assume.

when you assume you are rich.
there is always someone else richer.

when you assume you are beautiful.
there is always someone else even more.

when you assume you are pious.
there is always someone else of greater piety.

when you assume.and you assume.and you assume.

you become less happier.
and more miserable.


do not bater your humility with the wealthy.
you will lose it.

do not bater your piety with the beauty.
you will miss it.

humbleness is not about lowering yourself.
but assuming you are just as you are.
not higher.nor lower.

content in a moment.

little care they bare.

The Far Mosque is not built of earth and water and stone,but of intention and wisdom

and mystical conversation and compassionate action. 

-Rumi-

on our way back today. 

we stopped by a mosque.

and my heart sunk to the bottom while i roamed around it while waiting for ma,ayah and ted to finish.

the half side of the mosque,hidden from the view of the entrance was densely littered. 

a whole huge black bin just by the side of the women's ablution place.

filled with food and other rubbish.

becoming the source of breed for maggots and rottens. 

and there i thought.

this should be the place of sanctuary.

concrete walls  and timber roof built to shelter the worshippers. 

a place where we channel our faith.

where God becomes nearer than the vein.

but.

it was badly treated.

no running water in the toilet.

and people seem to use the available pipes to wash their babies wastes.

instead of their faces.

and i cried inside.

what have become to this community? 

this is not among the first time i encounter this.

truthfully.

more than once.

i have.

and have they no courtesy.

simply.

if we can't respect the house of God.

there is not a way that we can respect ourselves as creations of God.

and i left the compound.

waited for ted to finish and come around.

and when he asked.

'why did you wait by the car?'

in silence.

i answered.

because i can't bare.

to see such mockery people make.

in a boastful parade of little care.

over a house of their prayers.

:(

Islam is clean.
Be clean.

to decipher a thought.

lost thoughts in the middle of the night.

spoke to a friend minutes ago.
and it is very settling to know that there is another being that could understand you to bits.

because.
honestly.
im not easy to decipher.
and to know there is someone that could untangle my tangled thoughts.
is a relief.

a simple explanation from a friend.
gave a sort of calm assurance.

'he is the character of a book you are writing. and that is why there is that feeling of knowing the person before you actually know the person.mystery of life i see it as! some people in this world are just that lucky to experience that. to have a character written by ourselves emerge into real being. someone we don't know that we know. a known stranger.he is a character neb. a character you wrote in your book years before.subconsciously .and now a living flesh right before your eyes. so stop fearing and start believing. there is such thing in life as mystery you know.afterall .there are so many things in this universe we can't explain with our right minds.so why should this be an exception.don't reason it with your mind. follow what the heart says.thats where everything is usually right.well.most of it.'

yup.
just the kind of advice i need.
the right kind of thought pluck from a mind by another brain .

thank you bud.
you have just solved a huge mystery of my life.
and having you explaining my own thoughts is just simply wonderful.
thank you for just being alive to listen to my rants.


ok time to sleep NEB.
you have 10 thousand weddings to attend tomorrow.

till another time to decipher yet another thought.

be it or be it not.

we plan and indeed Allah plans too.

one day done and i am already half dead.
just simply tired.

too much words were spared today.
which becomes the reason of the tiredness.
now.
time to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the week.
simply because.
i talk too much today.
and i don't feel like talking anymore.
typical anti-social syndrome kicking in.


and here i am in my room thinking.
while its raining outside.

i regret nothing.
for i was myself.
because being true is all that is needed.

my Lord is compassionate.
He knows me well.
too well than i know myself.

so i open my arms wide.
to what ever decree He may have decreed.
for indeed.
He knows what is best for me for i no none.

may He grant me what suits me best.
and keep it far away what may harm me.

so o Allah.
your pick.
and i'll try to follow.

be it.
or be it not.

i am alright .

insyaAllah.

truly. i am alright.
as long as You are near.

a lovely grin before reality.

the first day of Shawal went well.

Alhamdullilah. 

moderate amount of food consumed and moderate amount of laughter made. 

and as i was about to rest alone in my room .

in the middle of the night of the first Shawal. 

i came across a page of a book i was reading.

a short poem.

which made me grin for a bit.

' I am not to speak to you - I am to think of you when I sit alone , or wake at night alone, 

I am to wait - I do not doubt I am to meet you,

I am to see to it that I do not lose you.'

     

-Walt Whitman, " To a Stranger"

and there i was thinking to myself. 

probably i just had too much rendang.

too much .

probably.

or simply. 

i just miss God already. 

either way. 

it was indeed a lovely grin before reality.

no.this video has nothing to do with this post.i just thought its lovely and it deserves to be heard. :)

the fallen leaf.

its the last day of Ramadhan.

probably the last of the last i could spend.

again.too soon you are leaving.
breaking a sinful heart.
of an unresolved repentance.

but.
it is just fate.
and may fate be with us for yet another year.

i decided to wake up early this morning.
and roam outside the house.
though i know my Lord is every where.
even in my slumbers.
still.
to remember Him amongst the trees and the clouds is a lot easier.
and so i did.

morning breeze is always soothing.
the green sight of surrounding calms the heart.
and i made few supplications.

and suddenly.
an evil thought came.
'is He even listening to me? such small insignificant creature of His.'

and as i looked down.
at one of the trees near by my side.
a leaf fell off.
slowly.
poetically.
taking its own time before reaching the ground.
and right then i am reminded of.
an ayat of every fallen leaf is known by Allah.
even that small of an act.
He knows.

and i feel assured.
that hey.
my Lord hears me.

indeed.
nothing could be better.
than to fall in love.
hard.
with your Lord.

may He reply the feeling.

now. that Ramadhan is almost over.
i hope a year without him around would keep me sane.
and near to Allah.

one phase is leaving me.
and now a new one is coming.

time is indeed relative.
it becomes faster when you don't appreciate it.
it becomes slower when you mis use it.
and it becomes ample.
when you fill it wisely.

Eid is coming.
which is a sign of he is coming.

i may have lost Ramadhan for a while.
but Allah is sweet.
insyaAllah.
He will replace it with another company.

insyaAllah.

:)

the labelled page.

there is something wonderful about being surrounded with old books.

and today i managed to spend the whole day arranging it.

took time to flip through some.
and even sniffed on some of it.
yes.i know.
probably weird.
but heck.
its old books man!
tell me who doesn't want to do that?


oh.
how i love the fact that ayah brought us all up to appreciate books.
i still remember when i was a kid.
books were like food.
which means.
we can take WHAT EVER we want.
ayah and ma will never deny us of getting it.
by hook or by crook.
books became more like a  necessity
rather than just pages of words.

i still remember.
when i was a kid i don't really get to play a lot on playgrounds.
no.not because i have been trained to be anti-social since child.
but mainly because.
our home is far away from any playgrounds .and basically.
there was never anyone around to play with.
so yes.
i kinda grew up alone and mostly around adults.
so when i learnt to read. which was later during my childhood.
the only entertainment there was.
were BOOKS.

i could recall clearly.
i have so little toys to play with.
mostly hand downs of my brother and my sisters.
one brown worn out teddy bear.and a duplo set.

so books basically became the new toys in town.
and i play with its pages even before i know how to read.

when i was a kid.
ayah used to write books.
and the first academic book that i got from him was on mathematics.
ah.i still remember how pointless it was for someone who can't differentiate plus and minus just yet.
but still.
that yellow book of numbers became more than a just a book.
in spite of no one knowing it.

there were days when book stores became like a playground to us.
we spend hours in there flipping through books.
and checking out stationaries.
and today.
i understood.
i can never get rid of that habit of spending hours JUST reading the endings of books in book stores.
and trying out each pencil and pen every time i see them in stores.

like ayah and ma.
we grew up just like that.
and today.
i am glad to know.
we have a little of something in us of ayah and ma.
and if there ever comes a day where seeing them on earth would no longer be possible.
i would.
have them in me.
every time i find that joy.
in reading.

may Allah bless them both with the biggest library in a house very near to Allah.
for indeed. they were never miserly when it comes to educating us.

ameen.

ah.i wonder why lately i am so nostalgic.
probably that time of the month again.
probably.

or maybe.
i just miss being a brat around my parents .
he-he :)

oh well.

loving Him by chance.

'people don't fall in love by choice. but they do by chance'

and i overheard this once.

before. 

and the first thought that came was. 

' heck no. i choose who i love.and who i don't . so no. i love by choice!'

and so . . . i said. 

but. 

i guess.

such stand over baseless belief will soon take its tole. 

and indeed.

it did. 

without taking into consideration.

that fate plays an even bigger role.

even bigger. 

yesterday.

i was driving pass a very familiar street. 

too familiar.

it became a drive through memory lane. 

and i saw two people walking side by side. 

so flamboyantly like theres nothing to worry.

they are like in their own safe zone.

probably each other's presence is an invisible guard to both. 

a sense of great security.

a sense of belonging.

a sense of loving.

and i stopped over for a while. 

just thinking to myself.

there is one thing that is in every one's rib.

including mine.

something that beats for a reason. 

something that if its not there.

we become an incomplete creation of His.

a heart.

an organ of love.

and somehow.

just reminiscing the phrase.

i managed to relate.

yes.

IT IS TRUE.

and i was wrong.

we do fall in love by chance.

in many cases.

we can't choose what the heart has chosen. 

and if it is fought against the destined.

something that is sweet will eventually turn sour.

humans are designed to love.

long before our existence.

predestined.

that our hearts. 

if not for all.

to love one at least.

a space that Allah preserve.

big enough for all creatures to experience.

a space.

just.

to love Him. 

and without shame.

i have to admit.

i was very wrong when i say i can choose whatever/whoever i love or don't.

because.

how can i.

if i was designed.

to love a deity.

that creates love of all love. 

and.

if we really think about it.

taking an analogy in this case.

if an eraser is used to write.

or a pencil is used to erase.

both defeat its purpose.

like us. 

if we are created to love.

and to love Him.

when we go against what is destined.

that is when.

all sweetness turns to sour.

and there. 

those two people i saw.

walking along the street.

the sense of great security.

the sense of belonging.

the sense of loving. 

actually.

WE ALL have that.

when we start to realise that.

it is Allah that the heart is destined to love by chance. 

and it is only a bonus. 

if He allows us to love His other creations 

whom are in love with Him too.

only.

as a sign of His mercy.

and before i started driving again.

i understood one thing.

indeed.

it would be shameful enough.

for me. 

not to be an eraser.

if i was created to erase. 

_______________________________________________

may He grant us all a huge space in our hearts to love Him.

for it is by His chance.

and His chance only.

and may He guide us to the one that is also.

in love with Him. 

insyaAllah. 

anjing dan babi. itu sahaja?

kita ini jangan jadi manusia yang senang tergeletek dengan cuit yang kecil.

itu hari.
ada seorang teman bertanya kan pendapat aku.
tentang satu artikal.
yang kiranya sekarang sudah hampir popular di facebook.

initpatinya mudah.
rakyat syria.
dipindah ke Amerika.
dan golongan agama lain banyak membantu.
dan ini menimbulkan risau pada golongan tertentu.
yang kononnya agama lain sedang sibuk bergiat menyesatkan golongan-golongan lemah.
yang kononnya mereka ini sanggup menggadaikan agama pada bantuan yang tak seberapa.

ok.
aku baca dengan perlahan.
satu per satu.
cuba untuk aku nilai.

rasanya yang ini bukan yang pertama yang sibuk di war-war kan.
tentang tindakan mereka yang beragama lain yang kononnya punya niat berselindung.
dalam menyesat kan golongan lemah Islam.

dan sejak dulu.
aku ada semacam perasaan.
yang belum pernah aku suarakan.

rasa tidak puas hati dengan tuduhan kosong.
yang kurang sekali beralas pada agama.

dan yang paling payah.
kebanyakan nya datang dari golongan yang paling hebat kononnya mempertahan kan agama.
fisabilillah.katanya mereka.

dan sini.
aku bersuara.
biar tak kuat pekiknya.
tapi masih lagi diharap terdengar.

tak.saudara.
bukan dari itu sudutnya kita melihat itu semua.
tiap kali ada cacatnya pada agama kita.
selalu sekali kita persalah kan golongan agama yang lain.
kita laungkan kuat-kuat.
yang sebenarnya mereka lah yang paling bersalah.
tiap gerak geri mereka.
tiap amal baik mereka.
hanya wujud agenda berselindung.
dan semuanya dipersalah kan pada mereka.
sampai terkabur pandangan kita sendiri.
yang mungkin kali tak terlintas di kepala sendiri.
yang mungkin.
mungkin salah nya juga pada diri kita sendiri.

sungguh.
aku kata kan ini.
aku memang hidup sejak dari kecil selalu aja dikeliling oleh golonagn mereka yang beragama lain.
dan sampai sekarang.
masih kira ramai nya teman dari mereka yang juga percaya pada konsep tuhan yang satu.
tapi akidah nya berbeza.
dan hidup bertahun di negara orang.
yang bukan Islam agama utama.
aku rasa boleh aku nilai dengan mata sendiri.
ADA BEZANYA.
dan mari sini aku ceritakan.


lucu.
sejak dulu.
ramai yang bilang.
'ah.jangan dekat pada mereka. amalan mereka songsang.tak ada wujud nya nilai baik'
tiap kali berdesing telinga mendengar.
sungguh aku akui.
ya.mereka memang berada pada landas agama yang salah.
bukan yang paling kukuh dibandingkan dengan agama kita.

tapi .

percayalah.
bukan sekali dua aku menjadi saksi.
bahawa sungguh.
akhlak amal nya.
lebih terpuji dari kita yang kononnya menjunjung agama mulia.
dan itu.
itu termasuklah aku.

dan ini aku cerita kan.
pernah dulu aku berteman.
dengan seorang perempuan.
yang padanya.kami ini berlainan tuhan.
tapi.
satu perkara yang mungkin tak akan aku lupa kan.
dalam banyak teman.
rasanya.
dia lah yang terpaling manis perlakuan.
yang paling rapi terjaga.
dan bila aku tanya.
kenapa begitu baik dia pada manusia? walau mereka yang berlainan agama? apa itu atas dasar unsur berlumba agama ,mana yang lebih sempurna.siapa yang terdahulu akan terpedaya?

dan jawapnya ringkas.
'we both believe in the idea of a higher deity. right neb?.believe me. my actions are not to con others.but only to please my Lord. that i too. like you. have done rights to His other creations'

jawapan yang padat.
pendek.
bukan satu esei panjang yang diselit kata-kata dari buku mulianya.
tapi .
cukup sudah untuk buat aku berfikir panjang.

ya. amalan mereka berbuat baik.
pada manusia yang lain.
mungkin juga ada diselit atas dasar menyebar agama.
tapi.
kalau difikirkan balik.
bukan kah kita juga begitu?
juga mahu agama kita dipandang hebat.megah.bergaya.

tapi.

malangnya.
dalam pada kita sangka agama kita perlu dikongsi.
kita lah antara golongan yang paling payah memaparkan cahaya agama yang sebenar.

sungguh.
kita ini golongan chauvinistic.
yang penuh dengan ironi.yang selalu selalu menyangka kita yang terpaling hebat.
tanpa ada usaha dipapar kehebatan itu.

kisah lain yang juga ingin aku kongsi kan.
pernah dulu.
dalam salah satu charity deed yang kami buat.
aku ambil masa.
untuk melayan para gelandangan.
saja.
ambil masa selami fikiran hati mereka.
dan benda pertama yang keluar dari mulut mereka.
'syukur masih ada umat Islam yang prihatin.yang masih peduli pada golongan kami yang marhaen'

kenapa bilang begitu mak cik?
rasanya.
masih ramai yang prihatin.
insyaAllah.

'oh.banyak yang peduli.tapi kebanyakan nya bukan dari golongan kita. banyak yang dari kebajikan gereja.kuil.tiap hujung minggu mesti di beri baju.selimut.'

dan sungguh.
tak ada seinchi dalam diri aku yang buat aku terkejut.
dalam kebanyakan charity work.
mereka jugalah yang selalunya yang terpaling hadapan.
jadi.
tak hairan lah jika.
lebih mudah golongan daif.
golongan sakit.
golongan susah.
lebih terdahulu berlembut hati pada mereka.

dulu pernah wujud satu isu.
yang masih aku ingat.
dimana seorang ibu dan anaknya di tukar ke agama lain.
di dalam salah satu cawangan agama berbeza di PJ.

ramai yang tampil bersuara.
hampir semuanya penuh dengan perasaan marah membara.
kononnya begitu mudah seorang wanita menjual agama.
habis dimarah.dimaki mereka.
kononnya.
ini adalah perkara yang paling jijik .

tapi.

tanpa mereka paham.
tanpa mereka selidik.
ibu yang itu.
yang sendiri sendiri menjijing anak yang perut nya lapar.
yang paling susah di hulur kan bantuan.
oleh golongan AGAMA kita sendiri.
mungkin berada dalam keadaan tersempit.
yang sukar sekali melihat anak menangis perut di penuh angin.
yang mungkin kali.dalam terdesak.
sanggup bertukar agama.
bukan kerana semata rendah nya iman di dada.
tapi juga atas dasar.
golongan seagama nya yang lain.
tak endah.
tak dipandang statusnya.
tak dibantu payah nya.

sebab percayalah.
selagi mana kita belum diuji denga perut yang kosong.
di paksa melihat anak merayu meminta makan.
jangan sekali kita bilang.
iman aku yang paling utuh.
yang paling berkilat.
selagi mana kita tak diuji.
kita tidak akan tahu.
makian yang diberi.
tak pernah satu pun yang membantu.
mengisi perut yang kosong.

dalam hal lain.
banyak kali juga aku berasa senang dengan mereka.
tak.harap jangan di salah erti kan maksud aku.
bukan aku menggadai kan agama sendiri di sini.
tapi sekadar berkongsi.
agar kita ambil prihatin.
yang sebenarnya.
tiap gerak perlaku nya kita adalah penanda paham mananya kita pada agama.

sepanjang aku berada di luar sana.
bukan payah untuk aku mengenali budi.
etika.
prinsip hidup mulia.
tanya kan aja pada semua yang pernah ke sana.
siapa lagi paling mudah memberi siuman.
paling manis tutur kata.
paling lembut perlakuan.
tak.bukan dari agama kita.
tapi mereka yang lain.

dan ini.
bukan satu benda yang baru.
ya.aku tahu.

tapi mungkin ini. patut jadi titik baru.
untuk kita berhenti menuding jari pada dunia.
dan mula pahami amal buruk dalam dada.
yang paling patut di buang jauh sejak mula.

berhenti salahkan golongan kecil di Amerika.
yang sibuk memberi bantuan.
berhenti dipersalah kan golongan Syria.
yang di fitnah menjual agama.

sebab.
sungguh.
kalau kita jatuh terluka.
bukan pasir kesat yang di pinta.
tapi ubat disapu penuh jaga.

perlu kita sedar.
dalam agama lain sibuk menayang mulia mereka.
kita masih lagi bermain dengan isu anjing dan babi.
percayalah.
Islam itu bukan hanya pada takat halal haram nya anjing dan babi itu.
fisabilillah itu juga ada pada sikap kita terhadap manusia yang lain.

Allahualam.

of bunga telur and bally shoes.

so yeay.

everyone is sending out wedding invitations.

and for the next few weekends ahead.
my days will be filled with weddings.

yes weddings through out the month.

and somehow i feel like writing something in regards to it.
no. not because im  obsessed with it.
NO.
far from it i am.
but because i am just curious.
very curious.

therefore i shall entertain my curiosity.



dulu.semenjak dari kecik.
aku selalu di hurung sana sini dengan mak.
'pakai cantik-cantik.kemas-kemas adik'
'siap cepat adik. nanti lambat sampai'
'adik ikut sini.ikut sana'

selalu selalu sekali.
akan mak seret aku sana sini.
bukan kemana pun.
tapi ke majlis anak orang itu.
anak orang ini.

what sort of majlis if you may ask?
yes. figured. WEDDINGS.

jadi disebabkan dah terlalu banyak disereng.
maka sampai lah sekarang.

timbul benar perasaan tak gemar aku pada majlis kahwin.
oh don't get me wrong.
nothing against the brides and  the grooms.
it is just me and my personal adjustment to culture and society.
yang sejak dari kecil sampai lah sekarang masih lagi sukar untuk aku suai kan.

dulu.
aku masih ingat.
tiap kali disebut aja perkataan majlis kahwin.
benda yang pertama-tama kali akan aku bayangkan.
mesti sekali.
baju kurung melekit panas.
muzik karoke pakcik lanjut umur.
dan telur rebus dibuang di jalanan.

yes.
that was how close minded i was to the mention of the word wedding.

meski sekali sudah besar sekarang.
namun masih sekali wujud satu perasaan lama.
biar pun sedikit.

bila mana mak.
bilang aja.
'adik. jom pergi wedding itu.ini'

automatik bulu roma aku naik seinchi.
the thought of having to endure all that.
is very daunting indeed.
somehow.
masih sukar untuk dibuang habis.
reflect response i see it as.

and.
i still remember.
back then during primary school.when everyone was asked to list down their likes and dislikes for that profile diary thing.
weddings have always been on top of the list of my dislikes.
sejak kecil lagi.
bila kawan-kawan sekolah bercerita pasal 'their dream weddings' ( yes. i grew up in a very girlish environment.its a girls school.i can't avoid it)
aku mesti yang paling hujung untuk kasi sebarang response.
mungkin kali.
i never see it as a thing to dream for.
baju apa.
bunga apa.
khemah apa.
bla bla bla.
all that sort.
aku hanya akan.
terperuk di satu sudut sibuk perabis kan soalan add maths. (boo. nerd.)
dan tiap kali.
whenever my cousins got married.
the usual question of aunties would definitely be.
'adik nanti nak wedding dekat mana?'
though i know they were joking. (gila apa nak tanya budak belasan tahun wedding apa dia mahu.hafal sifir pun tak lepas lagi)
i will always.
always.
answer.
'tu . . dekat mcd atas sana.dekat karak.'
tiap kali ditanya.
haa tiap kali tu lah yang aku jawap.

dan bila ditanya kenapa.
dengan slumber aku bilang.
'dekat. senang.semua orang boleh datang makan'

yes.
back then, that was my concept of wedding.
orang-ramai-dapat-makan-banyak.
MAKAN.

and now.
years after that.
bila mana tak lagi aku diusung mak ke sana ke mari.
untuk lihat baju warna apa orang itu dan orang ini pakai.

i am now.
being invited to weddings.
nope.
not forced by my mum.
but this time around.
invited by friends.

Alhamdullilah.  :)

dan kenapa aku sibuk ingin bilang pasal weddings?
hanya semata borak kosong?
oh no no . . .

belum habis aku bercerita.

nowadays jika kita perasan
where ever we turn around.
theres always a wedding planner store.
every 5 miles ahead.
mesti akan ada satu kedai kahwin.
people are actually making real business out of it.
and when i say real.
REAL.
you make money just by getting married.
and it wouldn't surprise me if one day.
weddings WILL contribute a role in the economy.

dan itu hari.
terpusing aku.
saja melihat bagaimana manusia ramai yang begitu teruja dengan majlis.
dan juga melihat kawan memilih itu dan ini.
separuh pengsan aku dibuatnya.
to see people putting such big amount of money just for a day that would last for about few hours.

with all sort of packages.
here and there.
so called offers that are actually sucking the blood of innocent girls.
promising people ' a day of a princess' 'a once in a lifetime experience'

and not one of them actually focuses on the essence of a wedding itself.
tranquility.

and suddenly.
a rush of panic appeared.
a sudden reminder.
what if.
what if, if i am destined to get married one day.
i have to face all these??
the silly arrangements of what sort of napkin color i want.
and how thick my make up should be.
either 8-inch or a block depth.
and all those petty things that i have always feared since i was a kid.
WEDDINGS.

and all that.
are very distracting.

it loses its purity and its simplicity of the beauty of the marriage itself.

and there i thought .do i have to think  about ALL THAT?
ah maynnnnn.
honestly.
for a girl like me.
add maths questions seem far more manageable.

and suddenly.
in the midst of witnessing girls spending thousands of ringgit on napkins and gifts.
and of fear.
i was calmed.
by a simple reminder.

'my religion is beautiful in its simplicity.'

and for a moment.
i was really glad that i have Islam to turn to.
to justify the reasons of doing this and that.
and how easy and simple it should be done.
Alhamdullilah.

no.
don't get me wrong.
im not against those people who  put meticulous attention on their weddings.
everyone has different style and different perception of what marriage is.
but.

it saddens me that.
at times.
people do spend so much on things.
that if not spent on that.
could have been spared to those who is in need of food.shelther.and clothing.

one lavish wedding ornament could feed a hungry child. :(

indeed.
the saying of.
'it only happens once in a life time'
should really be.
'it only happens once in a life time, so make it preferred to Allah'

oh how true it is.that.
weddings are overrated.
and marriages are underrated.

but then again.
one could have so much preferences.
at the end of the day.
we are living in a community.
a society that involves many.
family.
one of many.

probably.
there are girls who did not intend for it to be overly lavish as such.
probably.
just probably.
it is done like that as a respect to the surrounding society. . .


and.

there i was.
in the middle of people choosing this and that.
thinking to myself.
'hurm . . . i wonder how many add maths questions i could finish if i were to sit at the corner'

i wonder . . . .  :)