Z.A.

taking a break from hours of work.

simply because.

i have neglected much part of life and it dawned on me that.
life is short.

and i should really try and fill it with things that are of benefits.

so for a break.

i decided to write a letter instead.

to a stranger.be it being read or not.
i would know i have written it still.
of care and of to pacify a half broken hope of a bigger dream that belongs to a stranger.

and so it goes.


to a Dear stranger,

you once told me.
in a long ago message.
of nothing but a screen and thousands of miles away.

a hadith shared.

Abu Yahya Suhaib bin Sinan (radi Allahu anhu) reported that the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity befalls him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is good for him.” [Sahih Muslim]


and i remember.
i read this over and over again.
for the days of being alone in a place where loneliness is not an option but more of a decree.

and so. today.
months ahead.
i write this for you.
to the unsettled heart in a chest of a stranger.
'there is good for him in everything'
if you let patience follow through.
for indeed i chose you.
for the faith that is in you.

and if it is meant to be.
it is meant to be.
my name will still be there.
next to yours.
even for years to come.
and miles to go.

and if it is not.
insyaAllah.
Allah will reward us with something better.
that would bring more joy and laughter.
for He created us. and He knows us.
more than just by names.

:)

so.for today. nothing but words i have to offer.
and silent prayers in between nights of awoken slumbers.

be patient.
be patient.
Z.
theres always light from the stars of every dark night.

Sincerely,
 Me.

hang in there soul.

if life was without challenges,then it wouldn't be called dunya

this past few weeks have been hectic.
frustrating and tiring.

but like the saying says.

its dunya and it will never be settling.

and indeed with how i am leading my life at the moment.
Jannah has been more than what i want.

i want Allah.
for every bit of the second.
to relinquish the dirty garment of the world.
and just let me settle in its purest state.

i want Allah.

insyaAllah.

be patient dear soul.
have you no trust.
the best tarbiyah of life is life itself.
so put your trust in Allah.
and let Him sail your boat.
because even if the sea gets rough.
He owns the sea still.

and  in spite of all that.
in the midst of ranting.
i am thankful that Allah let a stranger to be known.
simply to remind me.

that.
if life was without challenges,then it wouldn't be called dunya

true. 

so hang in there soul. 

of holding on and letting go.

bagi yang sudah sungguh berjaya.
mampu bilang pada hati sendiri.
'ah. yang lepas itu lepas. dan yang hadapan itu hadapan'

untuk kawan yang insyaAllah sudah berjaya.
untuk paham erti letting go.
pada benda yang dirangkul erat pada hati untuk bertahun lamanya.
aku peluk dari jauh dengan kuat.
sebab sungguh.aku paham tak kan pernah mudah.

dan itu aku bilang kan.
'that person is a past with a lesson. and the other person is a future with hope'

jadi.
aku susulkan doa.
bagi moga Allah permudahkan.
dalam jarak masa yang hampir singkat.
biar sampai ke hujung garisan.

sebab sungguh.
Rumi benar.
life is a balance of holding on and letting go. 

tinggal kan mana yang perlu.
pegangkan mana yang mahu.

so untuk hari ini.
this post goes out to a dear friend.
yang dalam banyak-banyak paling perih usaha.
untuk paham erti letting go.

selamat bertunang kawan. 
i wish you well.
moga niat ikhlas terus tulus sampai ke Tuhan di lapis langit yang ketujuh. 
insyaAllah :)


dan jangan risau.
tiada erti kata Mr.Right or Mr. Wrong.
sebab sungguh Allah itu akan sentiasa beri yang terpaling sesuai dan yang terbaik untuk hamba Nya.

and you my friend.
deserve the  best for you.



knowing this.
made my heart grinned for a while.
knowing that.

tahniah juga neb.
you passed your phase.
long before.
untung bilang pada hati sendiri.

lepas itu lepas.
yang hadapan itu hadapan. 

antara iman dan harta.

apakah kalian tetap akan meneruskan adat dan budaya perkahwinan sang anak semegah dan sebesar terdaya?

aku rephrase;

kalian--
ibu2 dan abah2 seusia aku--
mampukah menerima kalau2 perkahwinan anakmu cuma kecil2 dan biasa2--
bertakdir menantu yang cuma cukup sifat dan kerja pula biasa2.

atau sebenarnya--
kita tetap akan meneruskan adat dan budaya orang tua kita yang rancak aku baca dari status2 sebagai sesuatu yang kalian paling benci?

benar,
semua ayahbonda mahu yang terbaik untuk anaknya.
jelas, terang dan hakikat.
maka itu bukan hujah lagi.

soalan aku--
biar aku ulang agar tak diserong nanti--

mampukah kau terima takdirnya kalau2 anakmu tidak mendapat menantu dan suasana yang ENGKAU ingini?

-Fynn Jamal. 


well phrased.
and it made me thought for a while.

how lucky i am.
in spite of being surrounded by such community.
ma and ayah never took part in any of such way of thinking. 

bukan pernah raja yang dicari. 
sebab sungguh tiada lelaki yang akan pernah cukup rajanya.
dan tiada perempuan yang akan pernah cukup puterinya. 
sebab dunia ini tidak pernah akan puas. 

tapi. 
jika redha Allah yang dicari. 
iman yang berkilau selayak nya perlu dipandangkan dan dimahukan. 

dan untung aku.
sebab tak pernah raja yang dimahukan ma dan ayah.
tapi hanya seorang lelaki yang Fatihah nya lancar.hati nya ikhlas. dan matanya terjaga. 

itu sudah cukup .

sebab mungkin kali mereka tahu.

aku ini bukan puteri. 
masih lagi bertatih mengenal Ilahi.
tak selayak nya diri sendiri menilai itu dan ini.
sedang kan iman sendiri masih lagi tercari-cari.

sebab sungguh.
kesempurnaan itu tidak ada jika dicari.tapi hadir bila mana kita sedar yang selalunya yang tak sempurna itulah kesempurnaan by its own definition. 


dan ya. 
yang biasa-biasa itu lah yang paling selesa.  :)

youtube is psychic!

was in the midst of doing work. 

and suddenly this played on random.

under youtube's mixed playlist. 

and all i can say is. 

even youtube reads minds nowadays. 

oh well. 

good tune nonetheless. 

and such apt wordings. 

of a reminder.

of nothing else but Him.

then i would know. 

that it is indeed true. 

insyaAllah.

----------------------------

there is no greater love nor care.

than the ones that are directed  to Allah. 

may we be amongst the fortunates.

to be granted love.

for the sake of the creator of  Love itself.

Islam does not forbid love.

what is forbidden is only the way we wrongly portray it.

so love as much as your heart can contain.

but keep your soul beautiful still.

for indeed.

 the best kind of gift to a lover.

is always.the beautiful soul of her/his lover.

of long weeks ahead. 

and of long weeks apart.

may the souls be at its purest states. 

Dan Dialah Allah , tidak ada tuhan (yang berhak disembah) selain Dia,segala puji bagi-Nya di dunia dan akhirat dan baginNya segala penentuan dan kepada Nya kamu dikembalikan;

Al-Qasas 70

faith.

of calm words and assurance.

of strong belief and perseverance.

indeed.
i have not chosen you with one eye closed.


'have faith Nurul. have faith'


insyaAllah.

patience will follow through.
i doubt you not sir.
if only you can see it.

:)

would you deny?

so yesterday night was wonderful.
though deciding to leave early after work at half 7 at night was not the smartest choice of all.
considering the amount of work i have to do on Saturday .(after i am done writing this. that is)
still.

it was lovely to just sit and reconnect with good friends after a week of plans,elevations and sections.
just the kind of laughter i needed.

lately things have been so smooth.
though my time for sujuds are cut short.
i feel even nearer to Allah than before.
surprisingly.

its enlightening to know that you speak to Allah.
and He listens.

by far now.
almost everything i asked for is being granted.
to a point that i feel i don't deserve it.

but khalas!

He is Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem.

compassionate of all time.
merciful of all levels.

He gives and gives.
and i receive and receive.

may i never stop of feeling grateful .
may i never stop of feeling the assurance that if i call Him.
He will pick up.

insyaAllah .

i don't have words befitting enough to portray His mercy as for now in my life.
but i have just the right kind of contentment in a heart that is at this point wide enough to receive it.

o Allah.
you created me from nothing to something.

and you gave and you gave and you gave.




So which favours of your Lord would you deny.  55:13


indeed.
i have none o Allah.

none to deny.


may He bring us all closer to Him.
and may He bring us all closer to the ones that will keep us closer to Him.

ameen . . . .

terserempak .

a long late night talk with ayah after the Nouman's talk is always wonderful.

and suddenly.

i am reminded how much i am still his little baby daughter.

almost everything was discussed about.
and at the end of the day.

its always the good old advice.

'put your trust in Allah adik. always put your trust'


and i sleep tonight knowing that.
even if i close my eyes.

Allah will always be there for me.


and indeed.
i am a milestone deeper in love with my Lord.

biarlah hidup sejuta tahun berseorang pun.
asal kan Allah yang jadi penemannya.

khalas.


insyaAllah.

hidup itu indah.
jika indah yang kita kejar.

hidup  itu payah.
jika payah yang kita papar.


o Allah.
please put my heart at rest.
for what ever that may come in life.

and one extra advice i received tonight was.

'what is meant .is meant to be adik. and what is not. let it go '


oh. i just have to love Allah for giving me an ayah that is just full of love.
now.
who says i need it from another man.
when ayah is enough. . .eh?

:')

of just silence.

I have phrases and whole pages memorized ,
but nothing can be told of love.

You must wait until you and I
are living together.

In the conversation we'll have
then . . . . be patient . . . . then.

-Rumi-


i was flipping through Rumi's book of poems this evening in between finishing a drawing.
and this appeared.
coincidentally.


just today.
as i was driving back home.
of tiredness. .
too drained with work.
and too miserable being immobile in between seas of traffic.

a thought came by.
for a moment.

wouldn't it be nice to have someone to talk to right now.  

not of words.
nor actions.
but mere silence.

those kind of conversations.
the kind that even an empty vacuum space couldn't break its silence.
the kind where you speak through your soul without a mouth to utter nor ears to hear.
just of two hearts.
and of two minds.

understood.
of its own language.

simply just to tell.

it has been a really long tiring day today.but i am glad i'll end it with you without an inch away.

just that.
and that is all.

of no words.
but just a simple accompanied silence.

and in that seas of traffic.
i knew. 
i have Allah to listen to my long day.
those kind of long days where you are just too tired of everything even of being alone in a car.

and this poem.
this poem appeared.
in all its randomness of it being today.
and i grinned for a while.
thinking to myself.
hmm...Rumi must have known myself today well.

and so.
to a stranger. ( which i really really hope won't be reading this. . .or else it'll be really really awkward but. ah. . .then again who cares. i just want to write.im tired of drawing for today)

so ya. . . .
it has been a really long tiring day today.but i am glad i'll end it with you without an inch away.

someday.

In the conversation we'll have
then . . . . be patient . . . . then.



*pengsan menangis 80 juta lagi drawings tak siap and i decided to write instead.typical*

dah kahwin?

so a conversation i wish i will never have to endure.

'eh. you baru sini ya?'

'yes'. 

'nama siapa?'

'...... or you can call me ............ .mana -mana aja'

'oh.ok.hye .......... . . . i'm ........... belajar mana dulu?'

'di UK'

'oh . . . .part 1?'

'ya.'

'dah kahwin?'

'belum.'

'oh . . .. . . ada boyfriend?'

'tak ada.'

'oh.......ok lah tu. im an architect. well you are too.'

'ya'

'sesuai lah kita.kerja pun bidang sama.can understand each other. you pun single. well i am too.' 

* dengan penuh yakin diri dia bilang like i really want to know those facts*

ya Rabb. 

kalau aja lah boleh saat itu aku bilang. 

'encik dengar sini ya.

pertama. tolong berdiri jauh sikit. saya tak selesa. saya perempuan.encik lelaki.

kedua. saya belum kahwin. tapi kalau lah encik tahu. saya dah NAK KAHWIN. bila? Allahualam.saya sendiri pun tak tahu. tapi yang pasti .itu lah FAKTA.

ketiga.saya tak ada boyfriend. saya tak date. dan jauh sekali untuk mencari. tapi. saya ada bakal suami. kalau encik nak kenal. saya boleh bagi no.telefon. dia baik. sesuai sangat di buat kawan. mahu?

dan keempat.

dah masuk waktu zohor ni encik.sesuai sangat lah kalau kita sibuk kan diri dengan solat.ya?'

oh. kalau lah boleh.

sudah tentu sekali bilang nya aja begitu.

but.

apalah nasib.

i only get to walk away.

and act innocent.

why?

because i seriously.do not want to be the bitter babe on my first day at work.

maka. . . 

dengan ini.

untunglah mereka yang sudah berkahwin.

tentu sekali aman hidup.tak diganggu semacam gini.

terjauh sekali segala fitnah duniawi.

cukup perasaan selamat sana sini.

sungguh.

untung.

kenapa?

sebab ini. . .

'eh. you baru sini ya?'

'yes'. 

'nama siapa?'

'...... or you can call me ............ .mana -mana aja'

'oh.ok.hye .......... . . . i'm ........... belajar mana dulu?'

'di UK'

'oh . . . .part 1?'

'ya.'

'dah kahwin?'

'DAH'.

'oh ok.selamat bekerja Puan . . . . '

hah! 

kan settle. 

moral of the story. 

bekerja lah gigih untuk ummah.

dan kurang kan lah kegatalan pada diri masing-masing.

sebab tak rugi apa pun pada diri.

sebab sungguh Allah lihat setiap inchi.

tak kan Allah offer syurga kita tetap nak lari?

so yes.

another day of tomorrow. 

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim . . .

and yes.
side tracking .

semalam baru aja terima wedding invitation di facebook.
untuk seorang senior architect dulu masa di Uni.

and guess what.

he's marrying an architect too.
my another senior.

*lompat-lompat happy atas katil for them*

but ya. NO.
ya Rabb.tolong lah jangan kasi aku end up sama architect juga.
i have met one today.
TAK NAK.

please. . . . . . :(

and this.

i place near to my heart.

at all times. 

patience will follow through.

if it is Allah you are relying on. 

then you are of no loss.

insyaAllah. 

Sometimes we can't see the way out of a situation nor the solution to a problem. Sometimes it's so hard not to give up and lose hope that things can change or get better. But it's at those times that we need reliance (tawwakul) most. It wouldn't be called trust if we could see the way out or the solution ourselves. Perhaps Al Wakeel (The Trustee) is making Himself known to you through a situation that you can neither control on your own, nor can you solve. And what greater gift could you be given than to know Him?

-Yasmin Mogahed-

with life. there is death.

i woke up to a loud bang on the wall.

after such a short slumber these few nights.
i was deep into my sleep.

and in just few moments i was awoken.

bang!bang!bang!

oh.the fear wasn't imaginable.

wait. what just happened?

bang! bang! bang!.

and with groggy state.
such weary mind.
i thought the house was on attack.
by shells!
oh no!
we are at war!

but.
few seconds into reality.

i realised.
it was just the construction guy.
fitting in the column of the outer wall.
for ma's new garage.

and i began to think.
oh how fearful it might have been.
for the Palestinians be it at the refugee camps.
be it at their own land.

of loud bangs every morning.
invitation to death.
from hundreds of shells.

and my heart wept.
this morning.
knowing that.
those bangs are not construction of dwellings.
but demolition of a society.
instead.

oh Allah.
i wake up every morning with ease.
on such comfy bed.
with a wonderful life ahead.

but they.
they struggle for yet another breath.

forgive me for all my ungratefulness.
forgive me for not caring enough.
forgive me for enjoying life too much.

to a point that i forgot.
if there is life.
there is death too.

protect those with You in their hearts o Allah.
join them with victory.
with only You as the end point.

(please.please.say ameen)

subhanaAllah.

i should start dedicating my life for them.
for they, dedicate theirs for Allah.

"If a person wakes up in the morning and does not know the affairs of the ummah; he is not one of us" Rasululllah SAW

the smile.

sometimes in caring.
we should show it in a different way.

because honestly.

to care for someone.
it means you don't want to hurt them .

and how can it be more hurtful than to offer them the key of the door to hell fire.

and tonight i truly realised that.

i am not willing to take that chance.

because how can i push the Creator of Love in choosing love itself?

and if anyone asked.
why would i push it away.
why blocking?
and why deleting?

well.

simple.

its because I CARE.

and its because.

I am too much in love with my Creator. to a point. pushing Him as second. is  never a choice.

He is the First.
be it before.now.or later.

and you would know.
you have chosen the right one.almost.

when the person.
too.
think of the same way.

insyaAllah.

for now.
i don't need the attention.
the pamper.
the soothing words.

i need faith.
from a person.
who values faith as well.

fasobirun jameel neb.

theres nothing more beautiful.
than the smile of Allah.

and nothing more soothing.
than to know.that is what you want.

i will be on my side.
and i will stay there.

and when it is the time for me to cross.

i'll cross it with the right one insyaAllah.

the person who waits.