maut itu.

maut itu bagai dongeng.
selagi belum sakaratul menyekat nafas ditekak.

maut itu bagai halusi.
selagi belum dosa dikendong memberat tubuh penuh payah.

maut itu bagai masa jauh.
selagi belum tanah menghimpap tubuh.

dan maut itu.

satu jenaka.

selagi belum.
dahi tersujud.
meraih ampun.
sampai.
sesaat.
dirasa bertahun.

sungguh.
maut itu.

misteri.

tapi pasti.

yang kalau.

lari kau beribu batu.
tetap.
zahir nya masih kau disitu.

................................

aku ini.
jiwa yang tak mudah diam.

yang kalau diberi seribu hari.
seribu satu hari.
akan aku berlari.

aku ini.
pemberontak akal.

yang kalau diberi seribu hari.
seribu satu hari.
akan aku dabik ilmu seinchi.

dulu.
aku sangka.
dunia ini balapan larian.
buat manusia lari mengejar impian.

semata.
aku sangka.

tapi.
bila usia menelan muda.
bagai fakir rakus diberi harta.

aku sedar.

bukan wang yang mampu dibuat sogok.
pada maut.
bila mana aku takut.

bukan pangkat yang mampu aku hulur.
pada api.
bila mana ia panas tak terperi.

bukan keluarga yang mampu aku sorong.
pada seksa.
buat pengganti diri.

tapi.

pada iman.
yang aku pegang.
dalam payah.
penuh lelah.
yang kadang hampir saja hilang.

untuk di buat tayang.
bila mana.

wang.pangkat.keluarga.

tak lagi ditimbang.

tapi yang dipandang.

hanya.
iman.

yang masih aku pegang.

إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ لَن تُغۡنِىَ عَنۡهُمۡ أَمۡوَٲلُهُمۡ وَلَآ أَوۡلَـٰدُهُم مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ شَيۡـًٔ۬ا‌ۖ وَأُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ هُمۡ وَقُودُ ٱلنَّارِ (١٠)

Indeed, those who disbelieve - never will their wealth or their children avail them against Allah at all. And it is they who are fuel for the Fire. [3:10]

i am.

and i write to you tonight with honesty.
nothing but honesty and a pinch of remorseful.

so hear me.
for i am speaking with a hope to be heard.

i am a woman.
drench in a pool of sins.
a never ending path of mischief that leads straight to the door of fire.

i am a woman.
hidden behind a veil full of impurity.
with lusts and hatred that linger closer than the heat of my own breath.

i am a woman.
that bow to a God that i often fail to find.
that blames destiny for the hiccups in life.

i am a woman.
full of wants and needs of the world.
that pushes God aside with a brief gesture.

and.
i am a woman.
that jumps from one deed to a deed.
in between good and evil.
in mere seconds.

but.
i am too.
a woman.
with guilt.
and hope.

for a full repentance.

for every sin.
of every time.
of everywhere.
of this worthless self.

i called.
a woman.
in me.

because.
i believe.
my hatred towards my sins could never succumb to the loving of my God towards my repentance.

so i write.
to be heard.

by someone.
somewhere.
out there.

that.

its alright.
Allah is.

there.

to always hear.

your utter.

of  repentance.

a moment.

to write with honesty might be easier than to speak of one.
and so.
with a clear mind that rarely happens to me.
these days.
i write.
while i still can.

i have been a hollow body with mindless thoughts for a while.
just one of those journeys my mind took unwillingly.
one that left without a smile.

have one ever felt the feeling of having one soul ripped off from the cage of flesh?
no.
neither do i.
yet.
sometimes i become this entity of bones and muscles without control.
like something inside.
is now outside.

i am sane.
don't you worry.

i am just different.
probably.
the wondrous path taken by a mapless mind is lost between junctions of life.
or probably.
an unknown destiny is yet to be uncovered.

again.
i am sane.
don't you worry.

and so.
i ramble.
on words
that i don't come to understand.

because.
i just want to write.
while i still can.

still.
i hope.
when my flesh becomes just flesh.
i hope.

this entry will at best.
give me some sense.
of  reminder.
that i was once a part of humanity.

please read this when you are lost.

this body that i have is very detached from the mind that i have not long owned.

and while both are at the same place and time.

i write this.

so that when my mind goes on its yet another wondrous path.
and when my body is governed by mindless thoughts.

i should know that.

once.

i was someone.
and once.

i was awake.

dear self.

if you are reading this.

please know.

Allah is your God.
and to Allah.
you return.