young love.

sometimes when we talk about young love.
the thought of highschool /college crush monkey love will usually come to mind.

of late night texting.
of lovey dovey emoticons.
of cute pink (or blue) letters hidden under the school desk (awaiting to be found by the disciplinary teacher)
of going to cinemas at 11 in the morning and having Mcd for lunch
and not to mention . . .

of those tornado with a slight pinch of typical soap drama fights (most of the time)

yup.
that crossed most of our minds (well at least mine) amongst many others when we talk about 'young love'.
ah . . .
those were the days .
of claiming hormonal imbalance and immaturity as LOVE .
yes.

the young love.

however.
NOW
as i am leaving that phase of life. (probably have left)
not being too mindful to realise.
that.

love itself has been redefined.
subconsciously.

just in few more months .
i am soon to be someone's other half. (insyaAllah) .
and as i reevaluate my thoughts and feelings.
i have come to a point of understanding.
that 'hey!. probably that familiar 'young love' i have come to known. has grown  so much to become a 'mature love' a lady or a gentleman of its own  '

of simply wanting to  be selfless in spite of  being given the opportunity to choose selfishness. 
of making sure. that happiness could only be attained when the other party is happy.
of simply knowing that.
this time around.
you don't love just to be loved.
but you love.
because you want to love.

and it dawned on me much.
that.
i don't need to overly parade tantrum . dissatisfaction nor disappointment to be heard.
and i don't need to put the 'no i am not apologising' cue up.
because.
those emotions pass by only in brief seconds.
and you let it go .
because you know.
that's the right thing to do.
and when you do something .
its only for the sake of knowing that you are loving another being of Allah.
and that should be enough as a reward.

so.
as days pass by.
as nearing the time .
hidden tears of complete selflessness.
and of hidden smiles of complete willingness.

'young love' seems further than the reach of the hand.

truthfully.

i don't know whether i can ever be a Khadijah to a Muhammad.
but one thing for sure . i will try to be a Nurul to a someone.

insyaAllah.

may He reward me with what is best for me.

and for others out there too. 
:)

less and less.

humility .

very few has it.
and a lot claimed to have it.

and as for me.
of which group i entitled myself to.
i still do not know.

but as days go by.
being a part of a bigger community.
i realised.
some.
just lack of it.
very much.

humility.

in all aspects.
in allowing oneself to disengage with wealth and status.
of putting them aside. and truly realise that.
we are made of clay.and nothing more.
we should not be judged by what physical property we own but rather the spiritual side of us.

and as for me.
as days passed by since i left Liverpool.
i left together my humility.
bit by bit.
consumed by what people think of me.
and what i think of others.
rather than what Allah created me for.

humility.

 something i have seen less and less in my surrounding.
and practiced less  and less in myself.

because.
at the end of the day.
the worldly title we own.
could never buy us Jannah.
we should all make a point in life.
and understand that.
if we treat others with humility.
of the same kindness and compassion .
not focusing on how many digits the person own in their bank accounts.
and what sort of skin colour that covers their flesh .

at one point in life.
humility will repay us back .

something i should really understand.

wealth and status can make us emotionally happy.
but not spiritually contented.

may Allah guide us all.

first.

day 5.

people say.

first love is always the hardest one to let go.
or to keep.

years ago.
i spared a heart for a stranger that i once knew.
giving utmost loyalty. and devotion .
of great importance.
foolishly thinking.
if i love as much as i could.
i would be loved too.

my first.
the hardest to let go.
and the hardest to keep.

indeed once.
i foolishly loved like a girl.

years ahead.
i am now about to spare a heart for yet another stranger i have come to known.
to give utmost loyalty and devotion.
of an even greater importance.
gracefully knowing.
that today .
i could never be his first.

yet still.
i will gracefully love like a lady.

so.as i linger around within my doubts and past.

of to once first love of mine and of to known not being first to one's.

i realised.
in this life.
it is never important to be the first of someone's love.
but rather to be the last that stood by.
and still make the person smiles.

so for today.
day 5 thought me.
as much as i could not be the first to a stranger.
like wise he is to me.
somehow.
it doesn't matter.
because in the end.
when you finish a race.
its always the final line you crossed that matters.
not the first one when you took off.

balloon.

day 4.

numbness.

running away from reality because fantasy  seems more alluring.

i don't know what phase this is.
but i hope patience will be even closer than my own heart beat.
simply because.

emotionally.
i am detached from the world.

nothing is of interest now.
a floating soul trying to find a place to land.

and i sure hope i have found the right person to be my anchor.

because just like what a friend told me.

we are all balloons.
floating up in the sky.
hoping that one day.
a hand could grab our strings and tie us down.

well.
the thing with me is.
one hand is reaching up the sky.
yet i still float higher and higher.
and at times.
i wonder why.

so be patient dear hand.
because like everything.
gravity will pull, and i'll soon decent.

insyaAllah.