pak cik Din dan soya aku

'oh.pak cik raya memang seorang-seorang.dekat sini lah'

'buka puasa nanti di Masjid'

bilang pak cik Din.

jatuh jantung aku sekejap.

tapi masih.aku senyum.

alahai pak cik.kalau lah kau tahu.

-------------

4 tahun lepas.

aku jalan gelak-gelak.

'faster lah wey.tuition starting soon.I NEED my soya.'

lari-lari kiteorang turun bawah.

tangga kasturi sempit.

pelajar banyak.

tapi aku ni kecil.

aku lalu jugak.

dalam kepala.

'aku mesti dapat soya aku!'

lari cepat-cepat  ke Petaling Street.

yer.masa tu belum ada bumbung cantik.

belum ade jalan cantik.

yang ada.semua kedai.

ah beng-ah beng.amoi-amoi jerit suruh beli.

haa.yang itu ada.dan masih ada.

tengah-tengah.kedai beg.kedai baju.kedai jam.

aku jalan laju.

'i must get my soya!'

lepas selit-selit.langgar-langgar.

sampai depan kedai soya.

'yes!.mission accomplished,5 minutes before class starts.faster woman!'

seringgit.lima .puluh.sen.

dan akhirnya.satu soya bungkus.milik aku.

'fuiyo!'

senyum lebar.

rasa puas.bila dapat apa yang aku mahu.

walaupun sebungkus soya bukan perkara yang besar.

tapi aku jalan jauh dengan kudrat aku.

jadi takde sebab untuk tak rasa suka.

'ok.we need to go now!'

laju.aku lari.

kawan dekat depan.aku dekat belakang.

'habislah.berpeluh lah masuk kelas macam ni.alaa.tak hot lah gini!'

berpeluh sakan.tapi kaki masih laju.

sambil lari.sambil minum.

aaaah.puas!

sampai depan 7 eleven.

lagi 8 langkah tangga kasturi.

aku berhenti.

Allah.

satu pak cik.

tadah tangan.

atas lantai.

dia minta duit.makanan.minuman.

apa saja.

dia minta.hidup.

sungguh.yang itu aku nampak.

sungguh.dia minta.maruah.

maruah yang baru.

'eh Neb.come!'

kawan yang dah dekat depan.

bilang suruh cepat.

tapi aku berhenti.

dalam hati minta sangat-sangat

'tolong lah ada duit lagi dalam kocek skirt ni.tolonglah!'

puas aku cari.

sayang.

yang tinggal hanya sepuluh sen.

'adoi! lagsi betul lah!.time gini lah semua duit hilang macam angin'

sungguh.dengan rasa segan.

ketar-ketar aku hulur tangan.

sepuluh sen itu jugak yang aku letak perlahan lahan.

Allah.

dia minta maruah baru.aku hanya beri sepuluh sen?

sungguh.maruah dia bukan harga yang itu.

sungguh.maruah dia lebih!

aku diam.tunduk malu.

maaf pak cik.bukan aku tak mahu.

tapi aku tak ada.

sungguh.memang tak ada.

dalam hati aku cakap.

'janji pak cik! lepas habis kelas nanti.saya turun.bawak lagi.'

yang itu.memang aku janji.

tapi.

bila turun lagi.

pak cik dah pergi.

sedih aku sendri-sendiri.

nak buat macam mana.dah bukan rezeki.

esoknya

ada kelas.

lagi sekali.aku kalut sebuk carik soya.

macam kalau tak ada soya.tak boleh belajar.

tah hape2 tah.

lagi sekali.aku lari.lagi sekali. aku berhenti.

eh.pak cik yang sama!

wah! ni memang rezeki!

cepat-cepat aku hulur seringgit.

aku sangka.

'yes.kali ni puas.dapat beri'

dengan seringgit aku sangke.

oh.makanan.minuman.

maruah baru!

semua dia akan dapat!

tapi sungguh.

aku bodoh.

dalam 7 eleven aja.

seringgit tak boleh beli apa-apa.

nak beli air soya aku pun.belum cukup seringgit yang itu.

alaaaaahai.

'masih belum cukup Neb.masih belum!'

malam tu juga.

aku duduk.

aku minta.

puas puas aku minta.

walau tahu.dahi ini jarang sekali mahu sujud.

tapi aku tetap mahu minta.

sebab kalau bukan pada Dia.dekat siapa lagi aku nak minta?

perlahan dalam hati aku bilang.

kalau boleh. beri aku apa adanya Allah.

tolong.beri aku apa saja.untuk aku beri pada dia.

dia.dia.dia.dia.dia dan dia-dia yang lain.

biar mereka tak kenal lagi erti lapar.

biar mereka lupa penat terlantar.

biar mereka rasa.maruah yang mahal.

sungguh.biar mereka.

rasa.

memang masa dulu.

tak pernah lagi terlintas.

apa itu erti memberi.

aku sangka.hidup ini dah cukup mudah.

dah cukup selesa.

dapat segala yang aku minta.

yang murah.yang mahal.

semua aku ada.

tapi.

aku lupa.

aku mungkin bahagia.

tapi banyak lagi yang sengsara.

sedih.pada diri.

alahai. cetek nya hidup.

kalau sekadar sesuap nasik.

aku perlekeh kan.

bayang kan ramai yang kebulur.

meminta-minta.

kalau tak sesuap nasik.

setengah pun mungkin dah cukup pada mereka.

jadi.

aku berhenti.

berhenti untuk rasa bangga dengan dunia.

yang konon aku jaja.

dari sini ke sana.

dari akhir.ke mula.

aku berhenti.

ya Allah.

biar kau sedarkan aku selalu.

bila mana aku lupa dan tak mahu.

wujudkan lah rasa malu.

malu dengan bongkak ku.

malu dengan kikir ku.

malu dengan dunia ku.

biarlah aku terus beri.

beri.beri.dan memberi.

biar sampai maruah pak cik yang itu.

jadi lebih mahal dari maruah aku sendiri.

4 tahun.sudah.pergi.

masih.ramai lagi yang meminta.

masih ramai lagi yang sengsara.

dan kadang-kadang.

masih lagi aku terlupa.

yang Pak cik Din.

itu hari aku jumpa.

juga.adalah.mereka.

dan esok lusa.

mungkin aku jadi juga mereka.

alahai.

percayalah.

kehidupan manusia antara sesama manusia itu.

adalah ujian dan nikmat dari Allah.
kalau kita saling menyukar kan.kita adalah ujian untuk sesama kita.dan kadang kala.kita gagal.
kalau kita saling menyenangkan.kita adalah nikmat yang tak terhingga.dan kadang kala.kita lupa.
sungguh.kita memang kena sedar.sebaik baik manusia.adalahmanusia yang paling bermanfaat pada manusia yang lain.

so make our every breath.worth.for another person who is also breathing. 

biar.nafas aku yang ini.jadi nafas Pak cik Din.lain hari. 

insyaAllah.

Who is he that will lend to Allah a goodly loan so that He may multiply it to him many times? And it is Allah that decreases or increases (your provisions), and unto Him you shall return. 

[2:245]

photo by Umar Mita.my new favourite photographer.he-he.

something small for something big.

i would settle down.

with just.
being steadfast in those 5 times prayers.

with just
being steadfast in those 30 days of fasting.

with just
being steadfast in covering my head.

with just
being steadfast in being a decent daughter.

i would settle down.

for that.and.
just.that.

but.
for the things that i wished for.

He gave.even more.

and sometimes i wonder.

am i even worth.the honour?

this soul? this sinner soul? this trash?
on the path of enlightenment?
are you sure?

again. i uttered.countless uttering.

seriously.i would settle down.
with just.
the lowest point of heaven.
somewhere just right above hell.
just the least.
not too hot nor too cold.just for me to bare.

yes.even that.it would be fine.

but oh.no.no.no.
You held my heart.and You squeezed it hard.
ask more.You said.
and from there.
i did.

again.i would settle down with just that.
with just a Muslim as a title.
a title to hold.
nothing more.and nothing less.
really.that's what i've been told.

but again.You offered.
more than i bargained.
still.without fail.
ask MORE.You said.
and subconsciously.i did.

drowned in my own sins.
You pulled me out.
a Saviour that i yelled for.
silently in the darkest pit.
and You came.
each time.
anywhere.anytime.

again.i thought.

so little that i asked.
not a sign of  dare.
to all Your Might.and to all Your Power.
but just a sign of shame.
to my endless long sins.

really.truly.really.
i asked so little.
but You gave even more.

i asked You.to let me pray.
and You opened my heart.
to the things You say.

i asked You.to let me fast.
and You opened my heart.
to the wonders of hunger and thirst.

i asked You.to let me cover.
and You opened my heart.
to the miracles of modesty.

honestly.i did not ask for a different path.
something simple.something.in the middle.
but no.
You gave me more.

Tarbiyyah.
You gave me instead.

oh.indeed.thank you.Allah.

 Do they seek other than the religion of Allah (the true Islamic Monotheism - worshipping none but Allah Alone), while to Him submitted all creatures in the heavens and the earth, willingly or unwillingly. And to Him shall they all be returned. 
(  سورة آل عمران  , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter 3, Verse 83)

a letter to my future self.

Dear Neb.

i'm writing to you now with a high hope.that someday.
when you lose your way. these are the words that you would be reading.
may Allah guide you to these virtual words that i kept safe for you.

in the name of Allah.and so i begin. . . .


to you my dearest Neb.
please may you still be in the comfort and warmth of Allah.
while these words accompany you.one letter at a time.
-

Neb. once.i told you.and i shall tell you again.
too far have you gone now.will you not see?
too far off to make the starting line seems vague.
too far off to take that step backward.
and
too far off to be stoping for a break.

and so.if you ever fortuitously dismiss this journey from your mind.

close your eyes tight.and remember.well.

all those emptiness you used to have?
all those endless questions with no answers?
all those sleeps with tears still not dried?
and.
all those confusions that scarfed your soul bit by bit?

remember those.

. . . . .


and now.
remember these.

for each and every empty space you have in your hollow heart.
Allah came.and filled it.
so have you no shame and deny it?

for all those questions dangling in your mind.unanswered.
Allah came.and spared you the answers.
so have you no shame and yet deny it?

for all those sleeps that you fail to smile for.
Allah did come.and guarded your soul still.
so have you no shame and still deny it?

and

for all those unheard confusions.that became a friend.
Allah vanished it.in a brief swept.it went away.
so have you no shame and must you deny it?

oh dear Neb.
your soul is young.
an unseasoned traveller.
a fresh first breath.
that is what you are.

so overwhelmed yourself not.
if you trip. remain poise.
if you fall.stand up.
because. there is no perfect joy.nor will there be perfect misery.
in life.

so please.
do not remove the light that lightens the darkness with your own hands.
do not pray for an easy life. if the hard ones are the ones that made you who you are.
and do not.forget

to just.simply.just.
be.



grateful.

with love and countless care,
yourself. 

bicara yang tertunggak.

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.you were dead.

because how can u be dead.

if you are still in my head?

i would tell u  i lied.

if i tell you.im in your heart.

because for somebody who is dead.

you have no heart.

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.you have tried.

because.if you really did.

in my heart.you won't be dead.

i would tell you i lied.

if i tell you.you are my pride.

because.how can i be proud.

for somebody who is dead?

i would tell you i lied.

if i tell you.it wasn't hard.

because how can it be easy.

if there are things left unsaid?

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.i am sad.

because how can i be.

if without you.

that's when i found.
God.

untuk benda yang jarang jarang kita sedar.
dan jarang jarang kita peduli.
yang terhilang itu.mungkin lebih baik dari ada.
jadi senyum.sungguh.bukan untuk yang lain.
tapi untuk  diri sendiri.yang masih lagi ada.

oh Allah.will you smile back?

i have been lazy. that i have to admit. lazy to move my fingers.to think of words in my brain.to share my feelings and my thoughts.and most of all. to work for Allah. i have been lazy.yes. that i admit.
and that is why.i write less.and i share less.each of every time.because.blindly i thought.i shall not be judged.
so. yes.this is my confession.after weeks of disappearing into the midst of naf's and flaws of  the world.oh wallahi!i have wronged Allah.and cheated His time.so hear out my confession dear creations of God.so that insyaAllah you will not be amongst me who wasted His blessing of breaths.

In the name of Allah.the Most Merciful and the Most Forgiving.

Far have i travelled now.too far to look back and turn.but my pace is getting slower.and i dragged my feet instead of running fast.nothing is pulling me back except my own heart.it was hard to remove the black dots but it is also I who blackens it again. In the process of changing from the state of ignorance to a state of knowing.the purpose behind it all was blurred.and i hide behind my religion.cheating my thoughts and telling myself.yes.this is for Islam.and this is for Allah. but oh. how much i have been fooled by myself.
i lost the real purpose of it along this long journey.and i single handedly displaced my intention without even knowing it. how subtle it was. even my mind was cheated. and now. i dont merely blame syaitan.i blame myself too.very much.

So there i was.walking sluggishly.dragging my feet towards God as if i was forced to do it.and for a moment.i stopped.and there it was. that big question.the one that i refused to look at.because i know.i will cheat my way out for an answer. WHY DID YOU REALLY CHANGE? slowly i whispered trying hard to unswallow the answer.
 .'for Allah'. i said.
Not daring enough to shout it out loud.because my heart knows and He knows. that i have altered my own intention.and i have included the filth of the world in this so called pure journey that i claimed i embarked on.oh my. right then i knew. my heart is still very black. the shade has not changed at all.
because every time i try to brighten it. i removed the light with the false intention i have.the intention to please humans.instead of Allah. oh Allah. indeed i have served you with hypocrisy.
and so. i took a moment to revert my intention. and to understand that. my faith has levels.and sometimes it can go up so high that it touches the sky and sometimes it can abate.even lower than the deepest point in the earth.and for every time that happens,i must not divert from the real purpose. the purpose to smile to Allah one day and to have Him smiling back to me.insyaAllah.

Now. after a hard hit on the head.i have awaken from a slumber of laziness. and i shall keep on walking this journey even if i have to drag my face.i shall insyaAllah. after all. if its not for His mercy.i would not even have the taste of life.even for a second.

that black box changed me.silently.

masyaAllah.masyaAllah.masyaAllah.my heart teared.captivated by the moment.as these eyes laid its view on the most surreal view of all.this is it.the place i direct my body and my soul to.5 times in a day.thousands of miles away.25 brief minutes of 24 hours in a day,a minute portion i take to have that sacred conversation with You.this. is. the.place.this.is.it.this is. Kaaba'

walking towards it.silently.i spoke.knowing with all my heart.He hears.
 'Thank you' i said.

thank you for welcoming this sinner soul.
thank you for still wanting me even if the whole world doesn't.
thank you for giving me that chance that i don't deserve.
thank you for listening even though i worth not the listen.
thank you for looking over me even if i don't know.
thank you for staying for each and every time i walked away.
thank you for having the patience for all the patience that i own not.
thank you for being the Saviour when i needed one.
thank you for always giving me the faith that i have given up on.
and thank you.
for wanting me over and over again.even if You don't need me.

i would write even longer.i could if i want.but i would know.no word would suffice the experience and the pleasure i have gone through.so i decided.to let it be a secret.between Him and I.because silently.i have changed.and it would be enough if He is the only One that knows it.

until i see you again oh dear Kaaba'.because to be near you.keeps Allah close to me.insyaAllah.

tiny people with big hearts.

Last weekend couldn't be more wonderful than it should have been.i always think of myself as some one who has the least capability to interact with kids.maybe because apart of me know that i still want to be a kid.and having to interact with another will be a point of backbiting my own ego.

yes.true story.

however.seeing those kids on the beach.screaming and smiling made my heart grew bigger.and if there is a point in life where im destined to have kids.i know just the right kind of kids that i want. those.who appreciates life and live life as it is.the ones that understand life is an on going gift from God.

so ya.heres to many more of great encounters with wonderful people. :) 

an end of a backpacking.

long have i travelled. a stagnant travelling where my body is not moving.whilst my soul travelled the world.and after a long travel.its time to come back.to feel the ground beneath my feet.and to realise my head is still under a sky.months ago.i decided to stop.and venture on another journey.it was not pointless nor was it fruitful altogether.and so.here i am.back to where i begin.to realise.that submission to God knows no pause.
so peaceful greetings to all.

after taking a different route.for the sake of wanting to taste the sweetness of travelling.
one particular thing that i realised is that.
the more i try.the harder it gets.
and even though i convinced myself that i have not changed.
i have.
and along the way.i forgot who i used to be.and how people used to perceive me as.
and so.it becomes harder to live a life from a past.and for the future.
because no matter how much i have changed.from the eyes of the humans.
my past actions will still be the key for others to label.
i get frustrated at times.not knowing how to act.because.deep down inside.i forgot who i used to be.
and i forgot that even if i see myself differently.i feel myself differently.others may not be on the same page.
and so.i divide myself into two. a half that wants to be good.and another half that is familiar to all.
no.don't get me wrong.i am not mentally unwell. im just trying to harmonise myself in between seas of people.
and along the way of trying to entertain the world.
i forgot.that its not the world that i should take into account so much.
its God.that should have been the main aim.
and so i tell myself.
what ever world. its not you that i fear after all. its God.
and yes.im back punching keyboards.because.that's what i do best.  :)

backpacking.

i'll be away for a while.
nothing will be written after this post.
not because i dismiss this job to my God.
but because i know He has better plans for me.

my words are His.
and for now its not meant to be written here.
may we all find peace in this world we call life.

salam.

alahai.

mahu jerit terlolong.
biar orang tahu meminta tolong.
biar sekalian tahu.
berat apa atas bahu.
hari ini.dongak tinggi.
sibuk mencari Ilahi.
tika semua jauh dari hati.
baru tersedar semacam gini.

alahai.diri.
bila hilang.baru sibuk mencari Tuhan.
bila senang.baru lupa adanya Tuhan.

alahai.malu.
pada Kau Rabb.
bicara semacam munafik.
hari ini begini.
esok hari lain yang bunyi.
untung untung Kau buat nya taubat.
dalam sakit sakit masih ada yang terubat.

alahai.malu.
ulang ulang maaf yang sama.
sesal semantara.
esok kembali yang sama.
sampai ada yang terlupa.

alahai.dunia.
kenapa perlu cantik belaka?
punca segala alpa.
nak dibanding syurga.
jauh kaki dari kepala.
tapi kenapa bukan syurga yang diminta?

alahai.manusia.
pusing pusing kemana mana.
tak kan terjumpa.
tanah yang tak berpunya.
kenapa perlu ulang dosa yang sama?
jika tahu tanah kaki terpijak rata.
sudah tentu bukan kita yang punya.

alahai Tuhan.
sungguh Kau Ihsan.
penuh belas kasihan.
makhluk sebegini rupa.masih Kau kahsiankan.
sungguh kalau nanti aku jauh dan tak pulang.
harap nanti Kau titip kan ajaran.
biar sedar diri aku ini hanya daging yang bertulang.

--------------------------------------

kadang kadang kita rindu semacam.
tapi tak tahu kenapa.
haaaa..itu rindu Tuhan namanya.

alahai Tuhan.
Rindu lah.

jangan ambil barang aku.pinjam sahaja.

hey kau si peminjam.
yer kau.
kau yang meminjam waktu.
nafas.harta.hidup.
beradab lah seperti peminjam.

nanti suatu masa.
pulangkan.
segala apa yang diberi dulu.
yang dulu bersih dan baru.
ingat nanti dipulangkan.
juga harus begitu.

jadi apa kau buat hey peminjam.
kenapa kau kotorkan apa yang dipinjam.
sudah kau lupa adab meminjam?
atau mungkin.
memang kau bongkak.
lupa siapa di atas ketika mendongak.
ingat.
besar beza antara pinjaman dan milik.
sungghu berhentilah menyangka semua itu mutlak.semua itu hak.
sebab mata yang melihat.
suara yang keluar.
telinga yang mendengar.
tangan yang mengangkat.
kaki yang melangkah.
akal yang memikir.
dan hati yang merasa.
itu pinjaman.

jadi hey peminjam.
jaga kan kau.
apa yang bukan milik kau.
kerana nanti.
Rabb kau akan menuntut.
ketika kau berlutut.
sungguh.tak akan
kau berani untuk katakan.
Ya Rabb.itu.ini aku yang punya.
sedangkan.
nyawa itu juga.
bukan kau yang punya.

jadi berhenti bongkak.
jagalah apa yang dipinjam.
yang dipinjam akan diminta pulang.
biarlah senyum senang.
nanti bila ditanya.
di depan simpang syurga dan neraka.
apa telah kau jaga itu semua?
maka termampu untuk menjawap ya.

-----------------------------------
ini entri.untuk diri sendri.
yang selalu selalu bongkak.
dan kadang kadang kedekut.harta.masa.dan nyawa.

bilang apa itu rajin?

itu hari ada orang bilang.
Neb rajin itu apa.
aku gelak besar dalam hati.
ironik.sedangkan aku yang disebalik.
bilang aku sendiri.
rajin itu subjektif.
apa yang kita lihat rajin.
orang lain mungkin tidak.
jadi aku jawap kan balik.
asal kita tahu masa ini bukan milik.
dihitung setiap detik.
maka.
duduk duduk sahaja.
tidak mungkin menyenangkan.
tingkah laku yang tak bermakna.
mungkin sahaja tak menggembirakan.
saat kita rasa begitu.
saat itulah kita tahu.
itulah rajin.
kawan.

milik kau.aku.dan kalian.

post ringkas.

percayalah dakwah itu bukan milik yang bertudung labuh.
bukan milik yang berserban bersih.
dan bukan milik yang berakal lebih.

ia.

milik semua.
tanggungjawab semua.

sediakan apa yang boleh dibicara.
bila nanti Tuhan tanya.
apa jasa mu pada dunia.
dan sungguh.
indah nanti.
jika dijawab.
sungguh.dakwah ku.Allah.... :)

ini dan itu.milik Aku.

hari ini aku rasa macam nak berbahasa melayu.
sebab aku melayu.
biar lah berterabur bahasa.
macam biji tasbih terputus.
aku tak peduli.
sebab aku tulis bukan untuk meraih minat.
tapi untuk cerita apa sebenar ada di hati.

hari ini.bangun dengan hati remuk,kecai,gelisah,susah,sempit.
dan itu semua berlaku tanpa sebab.
memang benar lah kata Tuhan.
milik aku semua yang ada.
termasuk hati yang ada dalam dada.
jadi hari ini Tuhan bukti kan.
Dia sempit kan dunia buat sementara.
saat mata mahu mula mengenal dunia.
sebagai bukti.
Aku lah Pemilik hati.
jika sempit mahu Ku maka sempit lah ia.
jika lapang maka lapang lah ia.
kun fa ya kun kataNya.
tapi tidak apa.aku anggap saja
ini peringatan pada seorang hamba.
saat kau mahu mulakan hidup.
sebelum sempat menghirup.
udara keliling
berdarjah sifar.
maka Aku ingat kan.dunia ini milik Aku.
dan sedarlah.
tidak perlu gempitan bom.
tidak perlu tangisan bayi.
tidak perlu kelaparan.
tidak perlu kemiskinan.
tidak perlu kesakitan.
jika Dia mahu itu semua.
akan diberi walaupun dalam keselamatan.
dalam keselesaan selimut yang hangat.
dalam keadaan yang senang lenang.
dalam kemewahan.
dalam kegembiraan.
sebab Dia itu Tuhan.
dan Dia punya kuasa.
jadi aku bangun juga.
walaupun berat rasa.
sebab aku tahu.
aku seorng hamba.
dan itu bukan pilihan aku.
jadi untuk Rabb yang jauh di atas sana.
yang selalu mendengar.
dalam apa bicara.
walau jauh senyap di dalam dada.
terima kasih untuk peringatan pagi ini.
moga Kau mudahkan yang selebihnya.
biar aku tertonggeng jatuh di dunia.
sekarang.
tapi bukan dalam hidup selepas dunia.
nanti karang.

insyaAllah.....

of kneeling and putting my hands up.

this post was supposed to be a post of many days before.
but again.i am not dhar (time).and i rule it not.
therefore.after waking up from a slumber of yet another cold morning.
i shall grab this chance before the world overwhelms me.again.
so.what i am about to write is something that has been lingering far too long in my head.
and to contain it just within the hemisphere of my brain.is something that i intend not to.
therefore.here goes.another ranting of mine.that i pray would somehow become beneficial to myself.and to the one reading.
insyaAllah.

DU'A. (supplication)

a single verb.that holds many secrets and reasons behind it.
for the past few days now.i have been struggling to understand the meaning of du'a.
after a while now.will i only realise that du'a is something so familiar yet so foreign to me.
something i have grown closer to whenever hardship and grieve make a visit.
and when a need is wanted.
yet.something that i fail to understand.

since child.
i have been taught.
by almost everyone i know.
mostly by dear mom and dad.
to make du'a whenever i feel sad.
and when ever i want something in life so bad.
be it as simple as a sunny day.
or as crucial as good results in the exams.
for all that.
i was told.to make du'a.

and i did.
i make du'as
everytime i need something.
everytime i want something.
everytime i am in grieve.
even when i just want to smile.
but sadly.
those actions i did .
of kneeling and putting my hands up.
deep down inside.
i did not understand.
and at one point.i question.
why...why..and why do i even try?

why do we make du'as?
to whom we make it to?
for it to be granted to what extend of amount of du'as do we have to take?
is there any limit to du'as we make?
and how do we know whether its true or fake?

those questions i have.was kept deep down inside a dark vault.
the fear of not being able to ask around.
made me a human full of doubts.
until one day.a day full of wants and needs.i finally decided to open it up.
to try to answer the questions.
and to finally understand.

that day began,last 3 days ago.
the day that was full of wants and needs.
the day that i realised.the many things.
that i still want to have.and to own.
and so i kneeled and i put my hands up.
i began my du'a,i tried hard.
but a day went by.and another did.
and the du'a i made.
was not answered.
and i became disappointed.

because of that day.
finally.it clicked to my mind.
what makes a du'a a real du'a?

that became the question of all the questions i had.
and to understand everything.i must first understand this.
and i searched.and i asked.and i even googled.
but still i was very far from understanding it.
and i thought.hey.maybe i should make a du'a.
a du'a to understand the meaning of du'a itself.
and i did.
and during that du'a i made.
was the moment of me.
understanding.all the du'as in life i made before.

and i realised.at that instant.
all the former du'as i made were shallow.
why is that so?
its because.
it was not deep enough.
it was not sincere enough.
it was not true enough.

because when every time i make one.
i was
only partially convinced by it.
only partially putting my reliance on it.
only partially sincere about it.

and the reason for all that.
is because.i put so little faith in God's power.
i gave Him such little credit in actually making my du'as more than just du'as.
and to think that,the du'a of this sinful self will not be heard when the fact is...He is.the Hearer of all.

maybe that is why my du'a was not answered.because.
when i made it.
i was not putting the full trust
that God has all the power in Him to make it happen.

and that became a realisation.
that.when ever i make du'a.i am not just asking for my wants and needs.
i am actually submitting to the idea of
putting everything in His hands.
giving everything to His hands.
and hoping.that He will receive it with open hands.
i am actually.submitting.

and from there too i realised.
its not the issue of wether my du'a is accepted or not.
its actually the idea of acknowledging that God has all the power in Him to do anything.
even the things that are beyond our understandings.
if we just put our hands up.and make the du'a
with so much faith.hope.and reliance.
even the most impossible du'a to us.will not seem impossible.
because if it is His will.it is.
'kun fa ya kun' (Be.and it is!)

so.now only i comprehend.
the phrase.'du'a is a weapon for the human race'
because.it is.
and if it is a weapon.use it as a weapon.
and not as a minor tool we use when there's nothing else we can do.
because du'a is not the last resort.
it is the first effort.

and if it is not being answered the way you want it.
take the sweetness of submission from the action of du'a that you made.
because every action we do that involves God in it.
is sweet.


so.from that day onward.because of that realisation.
i began to appreciate du'a .
more than just verses i read after my prayers.
but instead a conversation with God and i.
telling Him.i am making my du'a because there is only You who listens to everything.
and there is only You who has the say on everything.


and so.my days of endless conversation with God.began.
to end this.i pray.with full of hope.trust.faith.and reliance.
'ya Allah jangan putus kan aku dari terus berdoa'
amin.

And your Lord says :' Call on Me; I will answer your (prayer)...
(Mu'min/Ghafir 40:60)

the last 30th.

a year ago.
to the last 30th of January.
was a different thing.

a different look.
a different purpose in life.
a different responsibility.
a different knowledge.
a different life style.

simply.a different me.

indeed 365 days ago.i was different.

and at times.in between those times.i seat at the corner and wonder.
what had happened?
why am i looking in instead of looking out?

like seeing a show on the telly.
and i was Marilyn Monroe of my world.

but.as the days add up.
the colours of the show fade.
and soon it became a black and white screen.
giving you a sense of flashback.
just like how you used to see in movies.
and in my head.that movie is my life.
that actress.is me.
and those fading colours of the screen.those are my flashbacks.

i waited for this date to finally write.after many days of
disappearing into the worldly life full of flaws.
waiting just for the exact 365th day of me not becoming me.

honestly.it felt only like yesterday.cliche' it may be.
but its the truth that i am saying.

and so.i decided to spend the morning of a Monday the 30th.to sit and reminisce.
to go back to the last 30th i had.and so.i did.

it was the night before.
i remember.
i made a wish.
simply a wish i made with no hope attached to it.
to a God i barely know.
to a God i seldom worship.
and to a God i submit not.

a wish of a gift.
nothing too much.
something special wrap in a box with a big fluffy ribbons on top.
and that i did.
i wished.
and i waited.

days went by.still.no one came with a box.and nothing came dropping down from the sky.
i waited.and waited.and waited again.
until i thought.
why would a God answer my silly wish? after all..
i never answered His.
and those few weeks of that 12 months
went by.
still that wish of mine.was glued hard to this brain.
no hope.but just a thought.
of a wish of a gift.
from a God.

until one day.in between those 365 days.
He........ replied.
in a way that i would have never imagined it would.
in a form that i did not ask for.but still.He gave.

something special wrapped in a box.with fluffy ribbons on top.
something worth more than what i deserve.
something if its not from Him.then none can award me.

that something................

is.


consciousness

He gave me consciousness.

to know His deen better.
and to love Him more.

which is why.

i have
a different look.
a different purpose in life.
a different responsibility.
a different knowledge.
a different life style.

now.on this 365th day.

because.last 30th.God gave me something special.wrapped in a box.with fluffy ribbons on top.

and so my only wish for this another 30th.
may You be with me.for the next 365 days ahead.amin...

when the days are dark as the nights.

be it yesterday,today or tomorrow.
we are still not far from sorrow.
nothing seems to be enough to this life of hollows.
because ungrateful is a trend to follow.
so rush now.
run away from the dark shadows.
of heedless and horrors.
be it fast or slow.
stilll.save your soul.

dear humans.
to that God's rope.just hold.
have faith and hope.
just be bold.
anchor not your longing.
to this world of nothing.
remember the things
are never us to own.
because when the days are dark as the nights.
theres only one road left.
the road to the only One.

i am not sad.i am just waiting.

the thought of going back to the land of dark sky and cold wind is killing what ever happiness that is left inside of me.
again i will part with this familiar land i call home.
and to add to the already miserable state i am now.
fever and running nose could just be the things that would sum up to the whole misery equation.
so for this windy night that followed a long warm and dry day.
i suddenly found the urge to write in me.
must i warn that this shall be just some post with no aim.
a chance to rant without having any guilt towards paper waste.
and so.if you find that life is worth more than reading bits of my words.
click exit.and move on submitting yourself to the world that awaits.
but.if time is on your side.and that life is moving slower than a snail in a race.
i welcome you to more words of mine.....

so.what have i been up to since life begins?
to start of.
still not good enough a slave i am.
wrongly thinking i am not born a slave.
still refuse to submit my soul in totality.
even if i know.i own it not.
still chasing dream that is mostly forgotten.
not knowing what it really is.
still wandering about.
taking time to actually take the real route.
and
still not excelling in this job.
the job God has given.

this is how i feel.
still.i am still.

but don't get me wrong.i am not being ungrateful.nor am in in my somber mood.
i am just simply.waiting for a love.
not wanting to feel lonely in a middle of a crowd.
but wanting to feel so content even when i am alone.
don't get me wrong...i am not sad.
i am just looking for love.
such love filled with perfection.
to complete this one self.
and make myself human all over again.
i am not sad.i am just looking for love.
a reply to my love full of flaws.that i gave.
just a love i would wake up to with a smile.
alive and in death.
just that one single love that differentiates it all.
that love so strong.it would suffice the entire world.
that love...
that love....
i sent to my God.
and still waiting....
for His reply.
that only one love..........
from my only dear God..
that i adore so much.

and this is why.
i am not sad.i am just in my waiting mode.
waiting to get a reply.

but...along the way.in the wait.

i cheated.

played around behind His back
as if i fear not His hell.
but the most fear of all.
is when.He does not love me back.

because to love and to not be loved.
is painful.
too deep a cut have i got myself before.
between His creation and i.
such love filled with imperfections.
but this time around.
its different.
He is after all what perfection is.
so i have faith.He won't betray me.
He will love me back.......

if only....i truly love Him first.

more.

it has been long.i know.
hiding behind shadows.
conforming to the idea of no's.

no.you don't have to care.
no.you don't have to smile.
no.you don't have to be kind.
no.you don't have to help.
no.you don't have to love.
no.you don't need compassion.
no.you don't need societies.
no.you don't want interaction.
no.you must be selfish.
no.you ought to be rude.

and the list goes on....
up till the end.
to the one last no.

no.......you are not going to enter Jannah.

because.there is such thing as.

' HablumminALLAH (Relationship with Allah) and HablumminanNAS (relationship with man).

must I remember,I am no singular creation of Him.
He created us in multiples.and we are His Nas.
born in a society.from one generation to the next.
interacting and populating.

and so,to act wrongly to His other creations.
Is a fault.
that would cost me.my Jannah.

and this made me realise.

to care.
to smile.
to be kind.
to help.
to love.

others.

will just be the key to bring me close.to the Creator of the others.
so to dear Neb.get out from the shadow that darkens you.
push aside the idea of no's that empowered you.

remember.He says.

'Truly/indeed the believers (are) brothers, so reconciliate between your two brothers, and fear and obey God, perhaps you attain mercy' [49 :10]

to end this short once in a blue moon post.
i bid my farewell to the shadows....
and with a hope even higher than the mountains.
that i will one day be the best human to the humans.and the best slave to the One God.


so.may we all be more caring.offer more smile.be a lot kinder.convey more help and love even more.
starting from this lovely blessed Friday.
shall we?

of sweetness and happiness.

long long long long long...............has it been.
since i dare myself to write and to speak.
for i have been gone for more than weeks.
not wanting to be involved.
not wanting to be heard.
nor loved.
simply i thought.the thought of myself is enough.
the world can just do what it wants.and so can i.
that.to myself.i thought.
and so far far far far far.....away i go.
dismissing life at one go.
thinking.hey....don't blame me.i am just letting go.
letting go of nothing that i should hold.
and so.making a life change.from here to there.and from there to somewhere.
and so...i go.
crawling out from a deep black hole
with only God's rope to hold.
and a bag full of hopes.
and so............i did.
BUT.
the further i go.the slower my pace.
something is pulling me back in this race.
something bigger than i have ever faced.
oh heavy it is.and indeed strong it is.
my good deeds are not many.
too little to barter.
for a happy life after life itself.
and so the struggle began.
the end battle that i thought.was just the beginning.
far more to face and to fight.
not sure if my fist could hit as hard.
but still i was not born a loser.
and my God is too kind to let me be one.
so why should i submit?
to this short term failure?
to this short term suffer?
when my God offered me.
a long lasting life of sweetness and happiness
if only...........i am patient.for this short term of period. :)

"Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning.'' (39:10)

a letter to Allah.

to God.i wrote a letter.
this late afternoon.
with my beating heart as the paper and my running blood as the ink.
simply because.
i miss Him.
honestly.
subconsciously.


and so i wrote.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i have been away.not too far.neither too near.
consumed by life.again.
still breathing Your air.drinking Your water.looking at Your sky.and living Your soul.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
how have you been? Superior as always.that.i know.
me? well..i have been here and there.still on this land You own.
have been missing You.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
where have you been?
do You miss me?
or have i become those You dismiss?
truthfully.i feel bad.
for being sad.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
where have i been?
that should be the question.
shamefully to know.i have no answer.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i have wronged this life.
the life You gave.
not for free.
but to be paid with gratefulness.
but did i?that.....
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i know this life is brief.
nothing to compare with the life after life that You will give
but still.
i am eager to think it will...last.
what a fool i am.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
things have been rough.
a misplaced puzzle.
from day to day.
it has.
i am sure You know.

and finally.
Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
at this moment in time.
Your tests.
i want to excel.
so make me strong.
because when everything ends.
coming back to You.
in pureness.
is what i long.......
for.
until then,dear Allah.....

With Love,
the soul You own.

the half a metre glass gate.

Friday it is now.how fast can the time be?
but who am i to say.when i am somebody who does not run for time.somebody who wastes it instead.
last night was full moon.i was out by the sea.and it was nothing but nice.
in spite of how tumbled my world is.the reality around seems to be doing well.
the moon is still there on the sky.still far to reach.but.there to see.and my feet is still on the land of God.
still marking footsteps.but not deep enough to be marked as a point.
oh.how beautiful God made life.even when your heart is ripping to pieces.you still have your eyes to admire
the countless beauty He offered.

so today.a morning Friday was greeted with again a heavy feeling.but the view of last night will be kept as memory.
to sooth the heart that is still healing.
and one thing triggered me to write.one word that came.
a word that made me ponder.how to really define it.

SCREEN.

"A system for preliminary appraisal and selection of personnel as to their suitability for particular jobs." so the online dictionary says.

yes.that kind of screen.

that word made me realise.as a human.we go through the process of screening through out our entire lives.even without us knowing it.
we are indeed living in a life full of screening.
from time to time we are faced with this screening course that marks the point of how valuable our self is in this world.
the process of getting in through a school.a job.even to a life of a person.we are being screened.every single day.
because the world is just a place where people run for perfection.the best will succeed and the rest? will just be left out.
ever wonder why there is such thing as interview.evaluation.exams.and even dating? all of that is a whole lot of what screening is.
we are born.we go to the process of health screening.we happen to be a healthy child.we grow up.we get into school.we have exams.we pass it.we get in to colleges that we want.and when the learning process ends.we search out for jobs.and if our CV is good enough.we get the job we want.and we meet the love of our life.they get to know us.go out.talk.maybe a few laughs.and if you're the one.they'd marry you.you get kids.you live the remaining of your life.and finish it as the way you want it to........and....by the end of the day..........the whole cycle begins again.and again.and again.and again.

and....that is what screening is.you screen each and every time you move a step in life.and some among others..just aim to be the best in it.
but...................................................................................where is all that going?what is the real beginning and what is the real ending?and that made me realise.i need to ponder on this.and so.....the 'ponderation' begins....



subconsciously.without realising it.most of us.forgot the much bigger screening process that we are in.a long process that ends the minute you take that last breath of yours.
a screening process that you are born for it.
a process that takes a whole new mind set and a whole new ways to succeed.
and a process with a complete,fair,perfect screening.a process that marks your beginning and your end.
the only screening that is worth the time.the effort.and the attention.
and that only screening is nothing but the screening of God.

yes.some of us may not have even been to a school.
not able to even get a job.
never met the love of their lives.
never walked through out the process of screening in his or her life that world has to offer.
but still.there is this one screening in life that not a single soul can exclude itself.the long screening process made by God.and to be experienced by His creations.that special thing He created.so that we know.
life is not just about living,dying and in between of that.
but it is an on going experience of gratitude towards the capability of the Creator to create.
and an experience to give back our thanks to His never ending bless.
to that.
we are living.through a far more important screening.a crucial process of to be wanted by God.
thus making life an essential need to succeed.

because.we are being screened by God.not just everyday.but for every breath that we owe Him.
to be chosen as the best among the best He had.should be the only thing that matters.

and it all begins.the minute we opened our eyes.
the minute we made that promise to God.that this life we have.is a period of returning the many thanks to Him.
indeed.we are being screened.
the opportunities we get in this world to always break the distant we have with Him is His way in telling us that He chose us.
but how far it goes.
that depends on how bad we want to be chosen by Him.
and at the end of the day.to even move a limb is an opportunity.
but how and what we move it for,that depends on how much we want God to love us.is it as much as we love Him.or maybe more?
So for everyday that I'm living now it is not the fear of hell that is haunting me.it is the fear of not having God to look at me.and to pick me out from billions of His creations.because.what is more fearful than not having your Creator looking down at you pleasantly.

and this whole post reminded me of what happened just a few days back.
as i was walking in a rush going out from the library.passing through that security machine.and when the alarm sounded.
that half a meter glass gate closed.not allowing me to go out.then only i realised.i have not returned the books that were in my hand.
and for a moment.i was scared.
and if that happens later when i face that gate of God.it wont be a half metre glass gate.and it will not just be a light screening i have faced before.and just the thought of not getting through it made me realise..oh how much thanks have i not returned back to Him.

but still......i sin everyday.in every way.and still....i want to be chosen.
nonetheless.
because people might run for perfection in this world.but perfection is the place that is waiting on the other side of the gate.

so to Friday.make me less sinful.so the hope of being chosen is still there for me to hold on.
and to all. Happy Friday,and may you be among those who God picks. :)

a seat and a juice.

long have i been away.
the world has indeed occupied my world.
and it feels like there is no end to it.
so here i crawl back in the slowest pace.
still thinking that it is a race.
but if its a chase for God's attention.no harm for me to embrace it.
is it?

so a long pause deserves a well said lesson.
i thought.
but what shall i write?
many days have i prolonged it.
just to find that right phrase.word.even alphabet ready to change a world.
and if its no one's world.than maybe at least mine.
so i took a time on my own.
a very long time indeed.
until i forgot.that i have a duty.
a duty to speak.and to speak only of God.
so.in finding the right thing to say.
i actually found the right thing to do instead.
and to finally see what is needed to be said.
i found out that.i should say what i did.
and here goes the story of a long pause i had.

'season changing soon.i figured its a norm to not feel good.and that became the reason.for the road i was approaching.i became quiet.thinking that i should.making distant from each angle of my world's circle.the distant i made was not only with the people around.but the biggest gap of all.is the distant with the one up above.and truthfully saying,i was suffocating not in water.but in life itself.a soul trapped in between reality and hope.so i thought....maybe.just maybe its just the changing of the season.and oh boy.was i wrong indeed.
days passed by.i decided to decide on my own.not taking any accounts of the people around.and for each decision i made.i made it with emotion.switching off the rational button of the brain.too consumed with the idea.that this is just what i need to do.
and as usual.at the weakness i have.when the faith is at its lowest point.there came along the best of evil in the world.the setans themselves.from around.and from within.the pseudo sweetness of the world begin to sipped in.and for that,it became bitter.
and i began to stumble.the long journey seems too exhausting.when will it end? unsatisfied i was.very.
my feet hurt.and my throat is dry.i deserve a long seat and a glass of juice.don't i? i should reward myself.foolishly i thought.thinking that my reward is better than God's.
so i did.i astray myself.taking that seat and sipping that juice i wanted.long enough to miss it.but not satisfying enough to long it.and after a while.that sweet taste of reward became the most bitter of reminder.and the heart i have inside this chest of mine is like 2 stones put together.it becomes heavy.and it gets harder to carry.
and just the thought of turning back to where i was in life.is just scarier than the memory of that life itself.
i had enough of my own self created reward.i began to scream silently.break me free!where is that rope that i was holding on?
where is that God i was missing?
and to my knowledge.He was just there.waiting for me to drop a hye.during my days of arrogance.oh how i forgot how much He cares.and caring enough of Him to drop reminders along the way of a forgetful filled journey.
so for the past few days.He gave me sadness that came with no reason.but only His reason.and that reason is just that He wants me to think of Him.not once in a while.and not after awhile.but.for every time this heart beats.and for every moment this soul is alive.because simply....i was just being arrogant to put hope to the world.and to myself.which led to endless disappointment
because what better hope there is.either than the One who created hope itself.'


and so after the long pause i had.
i realised.for every hardness God gives.He brings along the best reason for it.
and to put hope on anything but Him.is just simply a false hope.
and to not hope at all.is just a waste of soul.
so to my soul.and 7 billion souls out there.be happy that life can be hard.rest assured that there lies the best reason from God.
afterall...He is the best.isn't He ? :)
and for that same reason of being sad.i am happy now :)
yet another phase that have passed.yet another smile that i will end it with.


'hope is too big and reality is just too thin to be trapped in' -a creation of God-

lighter or heavier?your choice.

in the midst of ending a project.the first of the year.
i was caught in the middle of stress and giving up.
nothing seems to be easy anymore.and it gets true everyday.reality slowly slipping into the fantasy world that is almost fading.
and for a moment.i came to realise.that the longer we are on this earth.the harder it gets.
simply because.we are not stagnant creations of God.we change.we evolve.we grow.

so.this post.today.is for all the unnecessary stresses that have befallen me.
so that it shall become a reminder one day.that.....
'Neb..life gets harder each day.but it gets easier for you to realise it when the harder it gets'
and so..the entry begins......

'i was not asleep.not just yet.and my hands are still moving.reaching out for the things that needed to be finished.my body is working.but my mind was at a cross line between dead or alive.and i looked up at the phone screen.not surprised with the hour it showed.i figured.this is what life should be.you work hard.and somehow some way.there lies reward.material wise i presumed with that intention.i worked hard that night.hoping that at one point.it would be enough.and i would finally have something to show the next day.
a couple of yawns and eye bags shall not stop me.i-must-persevere.to myself i told.and hours passed by.the bed seemed nearer to me than it was hours ago.and my body would like to shut itself down for that moment.but i control the switch.and only i have the power.so i thought.ignorantly.
the constraint stressful milieu continues.the days after the next day went by.and i begin to find myself caught in between the net of stressfulness.i panicked and at times unsatisfied.with what the world has to offer.i began to work even harder,thinking that.the best of me is not the best of all.and what is the best of all will only be determined by those outside there.those other creations of God.like me.with blood in their veins and a heart under their ribs.
and so.their thoughts.their judgements.their opinions.and their decisions.became.the center of a small radius circle i call.my life.
and before i know it.in a very subtle way.the aim of life itself has changed its course.and there i was walking on a different road.again.changing my aim of life to such petty thing.a thing we call.WORLD.
and people's appreciation.judgement.attention.decision.opinion.became.the main focus.all over again.
and for each and every thing i do,the world and the things inside it mark its path right after mine.and for every line that is not align with the radius of my circle shall bring disappointment to me.and from there.all stress related things were finally born.
and there i was.becoming the central station for all the trains with bad feelings to make its pit stop.
.........................
and this happens to not just me.at least not just me.because somewhere out there.near or far.there are people who are willingly trapping themselves into the net of stressfulness too.simply because they conform to the idea of pleasing God's creations first.and then only God Himself.
because at times in life.we want to be liked.loved.accepted.admired.addored.praised.appreciated.
to a point.when we don't get it.we strive ourselves too much to realise that at the end of the day.nothing could beat the pleasure of a God towards you rather than the pseudo pleasure of His imperfect creations.
and that is why.its best to aim your life.to God.because what ever happens.He does not disappoint you.like how His creations will.and when you do that.what ever feedback you get from the world.it will not strain you.and you would not be covered with disappointment thus you will not stress yourself.
and so.
after a while.while i was cutting the card boards.and switching my brain on and off in a middle of a very cold night.i realised.i must stop burdening this soul of mine.stop torturing this body with tones of unnecessary stress.stop aiming to be the best of all.
because.when the time comes.i am not even doing all these for myself.i am doing it for God.and He'll judge me for my efforts.not for the worldly things i have achieved.and to be the best.is to be the best of yourself.God is not cruel.the world is not a race between each other.it is something for us to embrace.instead.

so hey.dear souls out there.lighten yourself.its not them that you need to impress.its Him.... :)
have a good Friday with a lighter soul people.

save me.

Forgive me Allah.for i have sin.

and the chronology of the days that passed was followed closely with many unwanted sins.
and now i am left with a heavy guilt.that this soul can't seem to bare.
indeed.i sinned.
and indeed i am ashamed.not to myself.but to God.
at a moment,the wrong doings are light enough to carry.and blur enough to be seen.
but after a while,when devil has left the building.
this soul is burdened with a massive weight of regrets and a clear view of my sinful self.
and restless i became.but not restless enough to repent.
oh my.what have become to this new faith that i am so proud of?
days passing.to speak to God became a difficult task.hiding behind the veil of sins,too embarrass to reveal the true self.
my clothes are not white enough.and my heart is as black as the night.
how will i speak?
when this vocal opening of mine,a gift from God
speaks nothing of God and nothing near to admirable deeds.
i am trapped.the heart says.
behind these bars of ribs.
and the wall of flesh.
in this dark space.
yes.i am a prisoner to the body of a prison.
and indeed this is
another phase of life.
another test of faith.
and another of my old self that i should shed away.
so to the good people around me.
please be near.
provide me the spark of fire.
to light this dimmed torch i have.
for i have a really long journey to go.
to meet this one thing i have almost lost.
that one thing, i call.......
my clean heart.

a weather.

and today it rained.lightly.slowly.and long.
and the wind became closer than a beat of a heart that i hold.
and the weather became a path of reminiscence.
the reminiscence of the day i first met you.
almost a year has it been now.almost a year we have met.
and not even a single day that passes by without you not in mind.and in heart.
and today.i walked.and drops of rain touched my covered body,sipping through layers of clothes
and reaching the skin.my skin.
and i looked up and wondered.
what have i done in this world of a traveler?
what deeds have i accomplished in this brief journey of a creation ?
simply................what?
to be so blessed to have encountered you........


oh dear Faith.

so don't you hide from me now.
reminisce the weather.
reminisce the moment.
because.........what am i.
if i have never met you.


Faith.


so don't you part with me.
because you are the only bridge to a land full of gaps.
to the other side of where....
my God.awaits.
take care now faith.
don't you leave me yet.just don't

running.fast.

run!
run!
run Neb.......

silently i told myself.
not focusing on what is in front.back.and sides.
instead.i was silently in a battle.
a heated battle that only i can feel it.
a battle to fight that is hard.
a battle that i have lost once.
and will soon lose again.
if only.
i have fought enough.

their shooting arrows at me.
and i ducked once.
again another line came in.
and i bravely blocked it.
that was close i told myself.
but...........
as i was approaching the hill.
too confident with the idea of an almost victory...
partly proud of grasping something that i have not yet earned.
a long sharp arrow was on its way.
aiming straight to my back.
forcing all the limbs in the body to be numb.
the eyes i have are in front.
and my views are to the hill.
the back is a pitch black darkness.
not a single light is shone.
again.my views are to the front.
and all i want is to be on top.
the arrow is rushing fast.
aiming for my limbs.
so am i.
running.for the half life that is still left.
hunger and thirst became closer than anything.
but my feet are still moving.
i know there are only two end results to this battle.
and i know i must either stop or run.
to parish or to survive.......
in this battle.
i call.....
the battle of life.
with devils as my enemy.
faith as my weapon.
and...God as my aim.

so today.when you open those two eyes you have.
the minute you are alive again from that deep slumber you took.
just know.
that you are back in the battle.
battle of life.
devils' arrows are everywhere.
and what you have is one.
a faith to God.
so please know you are amongst the creations of God.
created to fight...
the hunger and thirst of your lust.
the sharp fast arrows of a despise army of God
and
the weak shelter of faith.you have left.
so for today.run!run as fast as you can.
because God's rewards are nothing to be compared of to this world.
and if you fall.and fail
His pardon exceeds a mountful of failures.
so..........
RUN!
for a better faith.

and a life.after life itself.

sabiqu ila maghfirah min Rabbikum wajannatin 'ardhuha ka'ardhi sama' wal ard..
and Run towards forgiveness from your Lord and heaven which is as wide as the sky and the earth. (Hadid:21)

our actions.

the season is changing soon.
falling dry leaves are everywhere now.
and i am still here.awed by the idea of how fast time moves.
wondering.
how much time is there left?
to walk.
in this journey of pleasing God.
and that. i wonder.
have i even truly pleasured Him at all.all this whilst?

so for today.a walk after class opened these eyes i have.
and a chain of reaction became the topic that i want to write about.
finally.something to write after days of attaching myself too much to the world.
until i forgot.
that God is waiting.

so.chain of reaction.it is then...and so it begins...like this.

has it ever triggered our minds,of how our actions form invisible chain that connects us?
and how the littlest thing we perform in life could be the key to a door of another person's life?
i have.
and from there.i believe that each and everyone of us are small micro dots that form a circle.and the actions we do in life are actually the lines we draw to connect us all.
invisible lines to our eyes.but not to God.

at times.without realising it.we tend to live in a bubble.thinking that,the things we do are the things that will only affect ourselves.but.we forgot.that God created a nation of humans.not with single quantity.WE are His multiple creations that share the same land and sky.and that WE are some among the many wonders of His power.

but.................................................still.

why is it so hard for us.to see the chain?
why is it so hard for us.to grasp the idea that the things we do.could be the next thing that could connect us with another soul, separated even by time and space?
why is it so hard for us.to simply take time to bother.that there is no such thing as bubble life.and that our simplest actions could mean more to another being?

the answer to that.is simple.
we indulged ourselves in a pool of selfishness.too much.to even care.
comfort our minds to our wrong doings.too much.to even notice.
thinking that.................'yes.i am a single creation of God.and my actions would not matter to others'

but.what we perceive through our minds,at times do not correlate with the reality.
because.everything you do.even a simple gesture of kindness.smiling itself.could raises somebody's happiness to a level.that we could never imagine.
and.
even a simple bad deed.a frown on a face.could destroy somebody's hope for a lovely day ahead.we just don't know.

and this made me realise.how much i have wronged the world in so many ways,in thinking that my actions are only mine to face.without realising that maybe.just maybe.i have somehow affected another person's life.thousand of miles away.years of time ago.with a simple action.as simple as expressions.without me realising it.

and so.to all the actions we do in this journey of pleasing God.please keep in mind.that the things we do.are not only for us.but it is also for another soul out there.and even if there isn't any.just know.there is always God to witness it all.and for every action,make it a pleasure.to Him.
because.aren't we all in the same journey of pleasing Him?

promises.

long have i kept myself silent.
too attach to the world.
until i forgot what i owe God.
forgive me.

it crossed me this morning.as i was walking.
that.sometimes.when we distance ourselves so far.
it became hard to simply re-track our journey.
as if.all those footprints we had vanished into thin air.
walking on a sand with wind behind every step.
and for every step.we leave nothing behind.
and for the time being.
the wind behind me is blowing hard.
and my footprints are as light as feathers.
soon will be gone.
if i stay stagnant.and do nothing about it.
i'll be gone.soon.

so.

come on Neb!
keep your promises to God.
have you forgotten how kind He has been all this whilst?
for every tears,He kept a smile for you.
and for every pain,He gave you the antidote.
so come on... Neb.
keep your promises.
mark your footprints firm to the ground.

and.for the time being.
world.please don't be so charming.
because i am scared that i might fall for you.
and i know i am falling for the wrong thing.
when there's no God in everything i do....

For every 'I' .

so my days have been short so far.where at times i do find it rather unfulfilled.like a journey that will end soon.and i am a traveler with a heavy backpack on the back.with an empty tummy to carry along.
yes.
that is what i am for the time being.
a heavy and a hungry traveler.

so.a question for an early morning in a cold,gloomy country that i woke up to.greeted me.and it goes something like this....
why we do the things we do in life?

and.i wondered.why?

why do i do the things i do in life?
yes.why?

for a moment.my mind went away.and my heart hides itself.
and by few minutes.i truly can not find an answer for that.
God.have i not known all these whilst.the reason behind every action of what i made this life of?
and.........
finally.
a very weak and selfish answer appeared.
and it starts with the word. I.

yes.i do the things in life.
to serve 'I'.
yes.i do the things in life.
to comfort 'I'.
yes.i do the things in life.
for 'I'.
and yes.i do the things in life.
with 'I' as the sole purpose.

and from there.i came to know.
i am indeed.a really selfish creation of Him
how shameful can this get.i told myself.and yes.it gets even more shameful as i endeavour further in this question that i created myself.

to finally answer it i became sick to the stomach.and by then,i understood what it means by being disgusted.
this is what it is.
disgusted by the fact that i thought i must put 'I' in every answer to every question there is about life.my life.
without knowing.life itself is not even mine to hold.
and that brings me back to the first part of the question.
WHY?

why do i do the things i do in life?
and after a while.
my mind came back.and my heart appeared itself behind the cover.
and they answered..

for every question there is in the world.only one name that could fill every hole in all the answers.
and if i change that 'I' to that name.
my life shall become a pool of happiness.
and everything shall make sense.
with just a name?
and i look further.and that name is written everywhere.
even to the closest thing i own.my jugular vein.
and there is only one and only one name.
and its ALLAH.

so.yes.at the end of answering.
I AM still a traveler with a heavy backpack on the back.with an empty tummy to carry along.
my heavy backpack are the sins i carry for every 'I' that i put in every answer i gave.
and my empty tummy.is a place where i should have filled it with one name for every question that came across life.
because......
why do we do the things we do in life?
simple.we do it for.....
Allah.

finally.
a question became a hope.
a hope that one day.
i shall be that traveler.
with such a light backpack on the back.
and for every step i take.i'll take it with a smile on the face....
because by then..
my tummy will already be full. :)

to all.lets start packing lightly.
and start our journey with a really good filling meal.
because.if we are travelers.lets be the best traveler of all.
and if you question why we do things we do in life.
just answer..
oh! we do it for Allah!
because in reality.and in fantasy.
that is a true answer of a true traveler.
Happy Friday to all. indeed.

far but near.

the sky and the earth,are far apart.
but one could never exist without the other.
indeed they are far but near.

away.i have been.
fast days visited me.
and soon i'll be free.

again now in the other side of the world.
breathing a different air.
and bathing with different water.
but i know.
no matter how far i go.
i am always near.
simply because....

there is not an inch of space on the earth.
that does not belong to my God.
so i'll be near.even when i am far.

and to begin a beginning.
protect me O Allah.
for You have protected me well from that human devil i used to know.

to all.i'll write again.soon.

bigger than bigger.

humans.
never seem to be far from mistakes.
yet humans.
never to be far from His mercy.
because.there is no bigger mistake bigger than His mercy.
so except your imperfection humans!
for you have a perfect Creator.to always forgive.
and that.......
is what we call.

the bless of having Allah as God.


so Wednesday started quite early.
and the moment these eyes open.
mistakes became my loyal companion.again.
and for yesterday and the days of days before.i have wronged so many.
but the one i wronged most.is myself.
so to start a Wednesday
i start it off with a reminder in mind.
that today i might make mistakes again.
and it might be even worse than the mistakes i have done before.
because i am a human.
and the need to conform to my worldly lust is just in my vein.
but this one thing i will keep in mind.
even what ever happens today.yesterday or tomorrow Neb.how big a mistake that have been done.still in doing.or will be done.
please.please.and please.return back to your Lord.
He'll be there.so take your u-turn Neb
because for every mistake.there is forgiveness in repentance.
and for every human.there is One God to search for.
and if you ever lose your way.look out for Him.
His name is Allah.

to all.may it be a beautiful Wednesday with mistakes and a lot of U-turns.
happy Wednesday to all. :)

Jiwa Terasa Kosong?

"... Dan Allah mencintai orang-orang yang berbuat kebaikan." - (Surah Ali-Imran : 148)

Duhai insan,
Jiwamu terasa kosong?
Perlu peneman,
Kekasih hati yang prihatin,
Pengisi jiwa ragamu itu.
Tapi tahukah kamu,
Cinta yang kamu dambakan itu menyakitkan.
Sering pula ia mengecewakan,
Selagi dia belum halal untukmu,
Selagi itu ia menyeksakan jiwamu.
Kamu dan dia belum ada ikatan,
Itu hakikat!
Meletakkan harapan...
Hanya bakal mengundang kekecewaan demi kekecewaan,
Kerana semuanya, masih tiada kepastian.

Hatimu kosong?
Isikanlah hatimu itu,
Jangan biar kekosongan menyelubung dirimu,
Berimanlah.
Yakinilah.
Bahawa Dia itu sentiasa dekat,
Amat-amat dekat,
Amat amat amat dekat.

Dia tahu kamu sedang berduka,
Dia Maha Tahu betapa berat ujian yang menimpa,
Dia mendengar segala rintih jiwamu itu,
Dirimu itu milik-Nya,
Dan pada-Nya jua ada pengubat jiwamu yang lara.

Isi hatimu...
Dengan cinta-Nya,
Syukurmu atas nikmat-nikmat yang kamu peroleh tidak terhitung jumlahnya.
Pengharapan yang kamu gantung hanya pada-Nya.
Sungguh,
Ia dapat menenangkan jiwa,
Setenang-tenangnya.

Bertawakkallah kepada-Nya
Yakinlah,
Dia punyai aturan untukmu,
Dan pastinya ia yang terbaik!
Sedang manusia itu hanya mampu bersangka-sangka...

Duhai insan,
Isi hati kecilmu itu...
Kerana sesungguhnya Dia sentiasa ada...!


Jiwa Terasa Kosong?

patience is virtue?or patience is happiness?

many days of Syawal have we lived.
many type of victories may we have achieved.i hope.
because indeed it is a month of victory.isn't it not?

so for today a simple topic for a relaxing Monday shall i serve.

patience.

yes.patience.
a simple word to utter.a simple idea to grasp.and a simple lesson to teach.
but...a very hard thing to execute.

because.patience is not something that one is fond of..when
anger comes to visit.
pain comes to haunt
and misery becomes closer than a close friend.

have we ever realized
we often say,
patience is virtue.
and in Islam..patience is iman itself.

but.why is it so hard at times.to really let patience become apart of us and we apart of it?
are we trying to tell ourselves that..
we don't aim for virtuousness?
and that we don't care of what become to our iman?

surely for anyone with a right mind would answer no.
yet....why do we let ourselves become the slave of impatience?

for me.
patience is a thing that becomes so familiar yet rare.
so familiar to hear and sometimes do.but so rarely would myself feel the sweetness of patience itself.
thus,this makes me wonder.have i ever truly experience patience all this whilst?or was it another false definition of what patience is.

and from there.i embarked to yet another self exploration.
crawling deep into a hole where everything begins.the heart.
so for today and yesterday.i asked myself.

"Neb,do you understand what patience is to begin with?"

and silently a shameful answer whispered back.
NO.

we have been taught for years.since we were small.
to be patient.to be tolerant.to be a person.
but what does it actually mean to execute patience and tolerance so that we would one day be labeled as a person?
and followed after that.how does the reaction from the action of patience really feel?

so today i decided to share.and i hope.there lies patience in all of you who is reading.so that you'll reach the last word of this post.
after all...its all about being patient in reaching the end eh?

so.to begin with.
we all know,patience is always commonly linked to
anger,pain and misery.
because to execute patience when you are in the midst of joy seemed to be rather unorthodox to the whole idea of what patience is.
but i would say.happiness and joy is closer to patience rather than anger,pain and misery.
why so?
the answer for that lies in the true understanding of what patience really means.

lets take an example of an everyday life.
everyday.we are constantly exposed to the opportunity of being angry.of experiencing pain.and of dealing with misery.
so to not perish and lose the essence of the human spirit in us.we deal all of that with one strong weapon that God has given to the humans and for the humans to make full use.and that weapon is one and only..patience itself.
and for this,we humans are left with choices.whether to apply that weapon in our everyday battle with life or to simply chuck it away and waste that wonderful gift God has given.

so to me.the whole lesson begins with a yesterday.
for yesterday and today.i was faced with a test and for that test i have prepared myself with God's weapon.patience itself.
but along the way in using the weapon of patience,there was a slight thought.and a pinch of feeling.that came with it.which i do not know.and for a millisecond.i questioned myself.i am being patient aren't i?

and that is where it all came about.
and from that one question i came to realise that i was hiding behind the idea of patience.when i was not.
because as i try to understand it more.
i try to reason with what i have known.
and what i know is that.my God creates beauty.in everything.
and He promised for every good deed there lies mountful of benefits.

"...any who believe in God and the Last Day,and work righteousness ,shall have their reward with their Lord;on them shall be no fear nor shall they grieve" Quran 2:62

and it struck me.i was not being patient.because through out in thinking i was,i was also at the same time in fear and grieve.
shamefully i thought i have experienced patience.
when i tolerate with my siblings.
when i give in to an argument with my friends.
when i willingly waited for hours for a delayed flight.
and simply when i pardon anyone who simply cut the que.
all those times.

but now only i realise.in all those things i did.if not much,there was still a slight of grieve.anger.annoyance.and fear.in all the actions of patience i did.

that gave me some sense that i was not being patient.i was just at that moment handling things with caution.
and through all that.i came to understand why happiness and joyfulness are closer to patience rather than anger,pain and misery.
because,when you truly become patient.you are actually at the same time happy.and that is truly what 'to be patient with an open heart' really means.
you open your heart so big for patience to take place until what you feel is only happiness.
to be happy in patience itself.
MasyaAllah...what a strong weapon indeed it is God gave us.and it is a shame for us.if we do not know how to use it.

so from today.because of yesterday.i tell myself. not just to be patient.but to be patient happily.because only then will you know the true ultimate sweetness of patience itself.

and this is why...........i must be patient.because i want to be happy.
simply because.happiness is patience itself........ :)

lastly.thank you for being patient in reaching the last word.may you gain something out of it.insyaAllah.

losing in winning.

the days are coming to an end.
and soon i'll be up in the sky.
and that foreign land will again become home.
and i shall again once more.miss this place i call.my real home.

so basically Eid was quiet and moody for me.
hormones kicked in at such a wrong timing.
but hormone or not,i should have been able to fight it.
and what a shame.i lost to my own mood.what a shame.
so.i shall say. even though Eid Fitri is celebrated for victory,
my victory lies in Ramadhan..and my lost.is to my own mood. :(

Langit Biru (OTS) - Asmidar (Live @ Starmount Studio KL Full HD)

a catchy song for a lovely morning.

kau dan aku.jom ke langit biru :)