oh Allah.will you smile back?

i have been lazy. that i have to admit. lazy to move my fingers.to think of words in my brain.to share my feelings and my thoughts.and most of all. to work for Allah. i have been lazy.yes. that i admit.
and that is why.i write less.and i share less.each of every time.because.blindly i thought.i shall not be judged.
so. yes.this is my confession.after weeks of disappearing into the midst of naf's and flaws of  the world.oh wallahi!i have wronged Allah.and cheated His time.so hear out my confession dear creations of God.so that insyaAllah you will not be amongst me who wasted His blessing of breaths.

In the name of Allah.the Most Merciful and the Most Forgiving.

Far have i travelled now.too far to look back and turn.but my pace is getting slower.and i dragged my feet instead of running fast.nothing is pulling me back except my own heart.it was hard to remove the black dots but it is also I who blackens it again. In the process of changing from the state of ignorance to a state of knowing.the purpose behind it all was blurred.and i hide behind my religion.cheating my thoughts and telling myself.yes.this is for Islam.and this is for Allah. but oh. how much i have been fooled by myself.
i lost the real purpose of it along this long journey.and i single handedly displaced my intention without even knowing it. how subtle it was. even my mind was cheated. and now. i dont merely blame syaitan.i blame myself too.very much.

So there i was.walking sluggishly.dragging my feet towards God as if i was forced to do it.and for a moment.i stopped.and there it was. that big question.the one that i refused to look at.because i know.i will cheat my way out for an answer. WHY DID YOU REALLY CHANGE? slowly i whispered trying hard to unswallow the answer.
 .'for Allah'. i said.
Not daring enough to shout it out loud.because my heart knows and He knows. that i have altered my own intention.and i have included the filth of the world in this so called pure journey that i claimed i embarked on.oh my. right then i knew. my heart is still very black. the shade has not changed at all.
because every time i try to brighten it. i removed the light with the false intention i have.the intention to please humans.instead of Allah. oh Allah. indeed i have served you with hypocrisy.
and so. i took a moment to revert my intention. and to understand that. my faith has levels.and sometimes it can go up so high that it touches the sky and sometimes it can abate.even lower than the deepest point in the earth.and for every time that happens,i must not divert from the real purpose. the purpose to smile to Allah one day and to have Him smiling back to me.insyaAllah.

Now. after a hard hit on the head.i have awaken from a slumber of laziness. and i shall keep on walking this journey even if i have to drag my face.i shall insyaAllah. after all. if its not for His mercy.i would not even have the taste of life.even for a second.