my Jannah mates. insyaAllah.

had a wonderful evening today.

after weeks.
finally i get to join usrah again.

oh how i forgot the lovely feeling of being surrounded with knowledge and love.

such a gathering i shall definitely miss.

and so before i take my slumber. i thought i sit down and write a little bit before i will soon lose this memory.

3 years ago.
as i was about to go out.
going down the stairs.
passing a small room of a half opened door.

i heard some soft voices inside.
uttering stuffs of the Quran that i never knew of.

i stood by the door.
as my feet are ready to just take its steps and leave.

yet my ears are clung to the words.
in a room.
i happened to pass by.

and there i was.
introduced to the words of Allah.
for the very first time.
in a very different perspective.
beautiful.just as it is.

that was it.
my first of many sweet gatherings.


ah.
3 years ago.
it was.

and this evening.
would probably be the last usrah i will have.
as for now.
before i leave.

those people i have known for years.
the bond between us made in the sweetness of only for the sake of Allah.
the bond of my usrah mates.

oh how i adore them .

and this late evening i thought it would be only appropriate if i write about this last meet.

just a way for me to express my soon going-to-miss feeling.

this.goes out .
to them.
to my dear sisters.

__________________________________________________

And you did not kill them, but it was Allah who killed them. And you threw not, [O Muhammad], when you threw, but it was Allah who threw that He might test the believers with a good test. Indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing. [8:17]

a tadabbur was made. 

just the right kind of verse to end the beginning. 

had Allah not moved my feet down the stairs.
not let the door to be half opened.
not let me know them like i know them now.
not let me be adamant to know more.

had Allah not.

i would not end my day today.
with a final gathering of ilm.
with gems of the people.
again in a small room.
with the door half opened. 

and today we read the verse.
again.
and again.


'you did not kill them,but it was Allah who killed them.and you threw not.when you threw but it was Allah who threw'


nothing.
nothing in this world.
that we do.
independent of the will of God.
 controlled fully by our own will.
nothing.

how can it be.
when even our breath is not for us to own.

and that made me realise even more.
how dependent i am of Allah.

and how i am lucky to have been.

the tadabbur made was even longer.
 but i thought i would just share the  gist of it and what i got from it.

it is never the end product.
but always the first effort.
 that matters.

because.
at the end of the day.

Allah wins the winners through their efforts.
and even the efforts are the gifts from Allah Himself.

and nothing would make me feel even smaller
than to know that even to have an effort to win.
is subjected to His will.
and His will only. 

and if i am destined to fight.
let it be only for His cause.

Alhamdulllilah.

i had that.
for my usrah.

and so.
to my sweet sisters.

Uhibbukunna fillah :)

may Allah prepare each and everyone of you.
the best of Jannah .
and let our houses be next to each other in that land near to Allah.
insyaAllah.

ah.
i am going to miss them.

so tarbiyah for today.

move for Allah.
but know that it is His mercy that is moving you.

senyum.

went back.

took a time to relax.

switched the computer on.

opened a site.

scroll.scroll.scroll.click.scroll.

and smiled.

that feeling of knowing you are remembered.

simple little things.
just .like that.

thank you.

gembira betul.

i am happy.

really really really

really.
happy.

Alhamdullilah

So which of the favours of your Lord would you deny?
[55:42]

none.
i must not.

suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabis.

now.
2 more months and i'll be home.
insyaAllah. 

:)

baru macam ni dah gembira.

bayang kan kalau dapat jumpa Allah.
mesti tak terkira.
gembiranya.

Allahu . . . .  :)

to years of life.

helped a friend move out early this morning.

spent the whole night helping her to pack and laughing at how ridiculous it was for her to be all nostalgic about life to a point that she keeps even candy wrappers.

i can't believe she's going back already.
and a part of me just died a little bit .
probably it is the fact that i know that this whole thing is almost over.

packed some of my stuffs.
though i dont have any candy wrappers to keep.
(yes. i am the type that throws everything. i am not good at keeping stuffs)
and it dawned on me.

i am soon going to leave this place.
after many years of being here.

and yesterday when i went to the studio.
i cried a little bit inside.
the 5-year struggle is almost ending.

and i shall take a year break .
and God knows what is going to happen within that one year.

some part of me is telling myself to wait.
and hang around just a little bit more.
and some part of me is telling myself to just go back.
and face life like a man! . . ( ehem!. i mean a lady)

oh dear me.
NOW WHY DO I FEEL ALL  NOSTALGIC THIS MORNING :(

funny it is.

5 years ago.
i worked hard to stay away from a person.
 moved far away for a different life.
and now.
i am coming back to stay near  to a person.
packed up everything for a life.
( naaaaaa. its for the food actually.he-he)

and there i thought to myself.

how ironic life is.

indeed.

and how much greater Allah's plans are.

and how secured i feel.
that i have no one but Allah to plan it for me.

o Allah.
i put full trust on You.
You are the only one who will  never dissapointment.
and i feel lucky.
You let me find You.
and let me fall in love with You.

though in flaws.

whatever that is coming.
please don't let me mind what ever it is.
as long as it keeps me near You o Allah.


and so.
the only nostalgic piece i have right now.
is only my heart.

and may it be enough.
for the life ahead.

insyaAllah.

okay.menangis macam perempuan hilang kasut mahal.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

i shall miss you Liverpool sayang. :')

Alhamdullilah.

Alhamdullilah.

that would probably be the only word i could utter as the final drawing was pinned up.

and today.

is the day where the grieve of yesterday is replaced with the feeling of gratitude and relieve.

o Allah.

thank you for sparing me a great friend to help ease the day.

she stayed from morning till late afternoon to help me.

and i have no one else to thank but You.
please grant her Jannah.
 

and thank you for those small reminders You gave.

i could write a thousand words.

but why should i.

when i know You  can read minds.

I AM DONE . . . .  . . .weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Alhamdullilah .

and .

a little note to someone.
who might or might not be reading.


don't you worry.
i am alright.
insyaAllah 
i have the best Guardian of all.
after all. 
eh


less than two months to go.
insyaAllah.
:)

NAK-BALIK

look at that.just look at that.
50-more-days.

and i'll be home.

50 - - - - - more - - - - - - days.

SABAR LAH NEB.

sabar sikit boleh tak?

saaaaaaaaaaaaaaabar.

the bright sun is near.

yesterday was lovely.

spent the night before crying.
over failed attempt of printing.
had to waste such an amount of money for it.

oh another ordinary thing in architecture.
i felt bad.
imagine those every inch of the paper.
that could have been spent on a popper.
oh well.
all sustenance comes only from Allah.
and mine just so happen to be spared for a printing company who failed to perform.

oh well.

spent half a day after that trying to print again.
and indeed.
Allah is a big Helper.
finally.got what i want.
so yea. people may get nervous over other many things in life.
those 30 mins. of my life span while the paper comes out from the printing machine was among those most nerve racking moments.
and Alhamdullilah .

followed by a visit to the workshop .
surrounded by all those.
zombified kiasu doing work.
like-me.

and something happened.

stewy chewy, the workshop assistant came out.
saw me.
and tried to give a big high-five.
i responded.
with a big awkward apology.
'oh sorry stewy, i can't touch you .i am a muslim girl'

'what was that again no-rule?'

'oh.i can't high-five back. i can't touch a guy who is not related to me' ( well can't really find the best way to explain it to a scouser.so i gave the shortest answer instead )

'oh so i shouldn't ever try to hug you from the back or anything then?

'no stewy. don't. ever'

he nodded. smiled. and went away.



5 mins after that.

he came back.

'so no-rule. enlighten me. so what if its an emergency? lets say. you fell down a stair and i try to help you. will you be all angry  and push me away? or if you faint and somebody sees you and tried to help. would that be considered wrong? '

'oh no no . if its an emergency its alright stewy. my religion eases those who are in need'

'oh thats good to know!. its good ya know. having all these new infos.its like you are learning a new culture' ( culture so he says .hehe) . what else?

'oh. i can only touch my father. my brother.and my husband'

'oh. is that so? well good to know then'
and he left.
with a knowledge.

and there i was .gluing cardboards.

thinking . . .

oh shoot!!!
he must have thought i am married now!

opppsssss.

oh well.

i will be anyway.

someday.

so for now.

i am the married-asian-muslim-zombified looking girl to stewy.

oh .well.

and right after that.
i went out to town.and had a life.
embracing the sun.
and screwing architecture.

4-more-days.

and ah. . .
its lovely.
simply because.

i had to share yet another lovely thing about Islam.

preservation .
and modesty.

to a stranger.

o Allah.
cover me.
for the things that need to be covered.
and make me amongst those that are preserved  for the purity of Jannah.
and cleanse me from the dirt of yesterdays.

insyaAllah.

on aside note.

a sister of my usrah is going to undergo a medical treatment
i hope anyone reading this could spare her your du'a.
may Allah ease it and fix it. insyaAllah.

i hope all is well.

you can.

nothing beats the soothing recitation of Quran.
especially from my favourite.


been listening to too many songs these past few days while doing work.
simply because youtube is not functioning well.

and theres nothing else in my phone except 2000 plus songs.
and for someone who has a really short span of focus.

i need distraction .

and indeed .

it hardens my heart bit by bit.

and oh my.

truly indeed.
everything should be in moderation .

and now.
youtube is back.
and internet is not slacking much.

so Fadh Al Kanderi it is for this late afternoon.

and yes.
i have submitted my work for printing .  Alhamdullilah.
40 quids gone in a flash.

so in total.

i have spent more than 300£ just for this final project.

may Allah repay it with lovely bricks for a beautiful house in Jannah .

for now.

architecture is draining every single bit of me.
oh well.

Alhamdullilah still.
i'm sure there lies countless benefits in it.

i am sure.


for every knowledge .
there is wisdom.


now. time to sit back.
cut some cardboards.
and enjoy youtube.

4-more-days.
you-can-do-this-neb.
YOU-CAN.

submission tense.

you are a beautiful.

person.

i have known.

from far.

we are no saints.but surely we are sinners.

the longer time i spend in trying to remember who i was.

the more worried i became in trying to become who i am.

and so.
we visit our past.
not for the sake of strolling along memory lane.
but to understand.the sharp pebbles we stepped on.in hardening our feet.
so that in time ahead.
the steps we take are even stronger.
and even deeper. 

in regards to a long week of reminiscing.

i share these 2 videos.
one i have watched years ago.

and the other one.
only seconds ago.

how much hope we should rely on God.
and how weak our judgements are.

never.forget.everyone is a sinner.
and everyone too has the best Forgiver.

p/s : this would probably be the best video from lutfi.
and. . . awwwwwwh. look at that ruined model. :P

neb jatuh longkang?

had a conversation with a former schoolmate.
and i am suddenly reminded of my high school life.

i don't know why these past few days have been different.

its like i am reminiscing myself.
honestly. i can't remember much .

probably. my prayers of wanting to be removed from my past were answered.

but then again.

it's like im losing the path that brought me here.
slowly.

so i opened my old facebook account.
and my old blog.

and oh boy.

without me realising it.
i really have changed alot.

it is like i am totally a reformed being.

flipped into the other side of the coin.

the good side of the coin.
that is.
hopefully.

and had i known there is such beauty in choosing Allah over anything.over everything.
earlier.
i would not have spared a single moment of my breath.
but.

i guess.
those things of growing up.
made me the grown up i am now.

so.
all i did was smiled along the way.
looking at the past of my silly self ( well. still am. sometimes)

indeed.
Allah is the changer of hearts.

and indeed.

i have changed.

for the better.
insyaAllah.
 ___________________________________________

 anyway.


oh. how i miss high school.
going back home by train.
eating lunch at mcd jamek.
walking around central market with no aim ( i just love the ambiance)
rushing to get air soya at petaling street.
trying not to sleep through  out kasturi tuition lessons.
walking in the middle of dataran square like i own it.
picking up books at the KL Library and capturing its essence  (yes. i sniff on old books. im just weird that way)
going around laughing like nobody's business at dayabumi with friends.
squeezing in between sardine packed train coach.
falling down a drain for walking without looking. and crying after that.
being all snobbish to all the boys. because i am just a snob. naaah. i am just shy (right)

and the best bit.

trying to keep sane in spite of all the pressure of school.

ah.
had i known.
 those little things made me who i am today.

i would cherish more.

the train tickets.
the ayam goreng mcd.
the sound of footsteps late afternoon in central market.
the sweetness of air soya in a hot day.
the trapped smelly air of kasturi.
the soft grass on dataran field.
the smell of books that i never get to read.
the laughter of now distant friends.
the sweat that runs down in between the crowded  train.
the tear drops of a frantic injured girl.
the gatal boys with really awful pickup lines. . ( oh no. probably not this,hehe)

and.

the add maths equation that up until today.
i still can't find its function in my daily life.

oh.

how i miss those days.

and oh how i love the way i am today.

may the days ahead.
be better than the yesterdays.

:)

maybe that's just me.

was having a conversation with someone about money.

and how hard it is to not have any.


and it struck me

oh how lovely would it be.
to be able to love someone with none.


not for the sake of money.
nor for the love of many.
but simply.

to just love love  in its simplicity.

if only.
or
maybe that's just me.

oh well. 

wouldn't it be lovely.
still.


if the whole world sees love just as it is.

the fear before slumber.

somebody died.

a distant relative.

somebody just died.

and again death becomes a great reminder.

the only reminder of what the ahead life should be.

and as i was praying yesterday after the tragic news.

i realised.

i planned too much for the future.
without realising.
it might not just happen.
i might not just wake up after my sujud.

and i was sadden by it.
too many things to do.
too many to achieve.
i still didn't get to hug a loving mother.
i still didn't get to smile to a caring father.

i still didn't get to serve the ummah further.
i still .

and then comes fear.
what if i die in my slumber.
when im taking my rest with nothing to remember.

that would be the worst kind of death.
to die in a state of not serving when i am still in good health.

what if?

and so i slept in fear last night.
if my soul  were to be taken.
let it be in a state of utmost love and devotion.
to the One that all souls are owned.


oh. nothing. is sweet about death.
than only.
it is a point of rejoicing with God.
may Allah give redha to my worthless life.
and make it worth.


Al-Fatihah to my kin.who first taught me alif ba ta sa jim.
may Allah prepare you a house in Jannah for the Quran you taught me.
insyaAllah.

rendah mana kita.

kadang-kadang bila kita fikir.
berapa ramai antara kita.

yang mampu bilang.

'baju aku. aku beli di kamdar aja. ada yang aku beli di pasar. ada di bundle. oh ada juga orang yang beri. tak mampu beli yang mahal. asal kan selesa. aku ok aja'

berapa ramai.

yang berani?

utara setiap bibit ayat merendah diri tanpa rasa kecewa dengan semua rezeki yang diberi.

siapa.
yang benar-benar tulus dalam menyatakan.

'aku berumah kecil berpapan nipis. berlapik tanah. tapi tak apa. asal tak kena hujan tak digigit panas.aku ok aja'

berapa ramai?


sungguh.
dalam aku titi hidup.
merangkul perlahan umur.

aku sedar.

nilai merendah diri itu berbeza dengan apa yang di didik.
sungguh.ada tahapnya.

apa aku sangka.
merendah diri itu .bila mana  dipuji. timbul perasaan malu semena.
sehingga terus merah muka dipinta berhenti  dipuja.

apa aku sangka.
merendah diri itu bila mana,bila sudah berjaya.melepas setiap inchi tangga.kita diam kan aja.
tanpa perlu di hebah dunia.

apa aku sangka.

sampai itu.
itu lah nilai merendah diri.

tapi bila aku persoalkan lagi.
betul rangkul dalam-dalam.
mencari erti benar merendah diri.

aku mula sedar.

ia lebih.


merendah diri itu adalah pada semua perkara yang kita utara.
kita sedar tak satu pun milik kita.

perasaan yang timbul atas sedar nya  kita ini berpunya.
sehingga tiap nafas kita hela.
semua nya atas ikhsan yang Esa.

aku belajar itu perlahan lahan.
untuk cuba buang perasaan biar sekelumit bahawa diri ini lebih.
sebab sungguh.

berapa ramai yang mampu bilang.

'aku tidak kaya'

di tengah peruk yang berharta.
tanpa rasa sekelumit pun kecewa.
dan mampu tersenyum bangga.
cukup dengan apa ada.

sebab sungguh.

berapa ramai yang mampu.


berdiri di hadapan semua tanpa rasa malu.
mengaku.
yang diri nya tak empunya apa melainkan cinta pada yang Satu.

berapa ramai?

sebab sungguh.



merendah itu.
tak pernah mudah.
selagi kita tak benar yakin .
yang semua meamng hanya milik Allah.

satu tarbiyah yang masih aku jalan dengan susah.
tapi insyaAllah.
jika untuk Allah.
biar aku jadi yang paling rendah.

payah.
memang payah.
tapi payah itu terjadi indah .
kalau kita buat untuk Allah.

rendah kan diri neb.
rendah kan diri.
cuba lagi. 

big-miniscule battle.

this made me cry in the morning. 

and the best bit is. it has my favourite ayat of the Quran .

somebody once told me. 
the struggles in the deen that Allah put in a life of a person differ.
we humans are creatures of fade judgements. 
sometimes we perceive one's struggle as shallow and as miniscule. 
without knowing that it is a big battle. 

a sister trying to put a hijab on. 
a brother trying to complete a prayer.
a revert who is trying to stop drinking.
a  born Muslim who is searching. 

or simply.

someone who is just trying to remember Allah even in deep slumber. 

we.just.don't.know. 
how big the battle is.to them that is not shown.

for someone who has experienced the struggle to change.
going through many phases of life. 
in sickness and in health.
in love and in hatred. 

i do believe.
that we should not. 
look down on others.

because believe me.
that sister.
that brother.
that you thought the possible worst sinner.
might be Allah's lover.
in the future.

we just.don't know.

so try and look deeper.
beneath the skin and the hair.
and you'll find that.
all of us are blessed creatures.
just looking for a point in life.
to ponder and realise. 


that Allah.

is there.to care.



'Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.'
[25:70]

on aside note. 
submission is due in 9 days. 
i humbly request in hope that anyone who is reading this could make a small simple du'a (prayer) for me.
may Allah ease it and ace it.
and may He grant me His redha in  this knowledge.
for here.and my life after.

insyaAllah.

and now.less than 2 months.
i'll be home.
for dear family.
dear land.
dear friends.
and dear someone.

2-more-months-hang-in-there-neb.

just-hang-in-there.

oh sayang.

increase my love for You.
if that is the only thing that will bring me back to You.


and today.
i miss Him.

eh.bila?

kalau ada tuhan dalam dada.
buat lah apa sahaja.
semua yang dibuat untuk jalan ke syurga.

kalau ada.



hari ini aku sahaja nak berkata-kata.
melepas bosan dengan kerja.

itu hari ada orang tanya.
'eh.macam mana nak bahagi masa untuk ingat tuhan yang di atas sana?'

ha.
macam mana ya.

hari ini.
dalam sibuk membahagi tenaga sini sana.
rasa macam.allahu. tangan kaki ku hanya ada dua.
tiba-tiba.
baru terdatang jawapan tersedia.

eh.kawan disini dan disana.
dalam mengingat tuhan yang Esa.
tak perlu ada selang tenggang waktu nya.
bukan bila tubuh dah terbasah dengan wudhu' suci telaga.
bukan bila kepala dah berketayap kemas bergaya.
bukan bila tudung dah terlabuh  dan muka bercahaya.

tapi bila.
di mana mana.
bila sahaja.
terjaga minda.terbuka mata.
terasa hati dalam dada.

ha.
masa itu lah.
kita ingat Allah.



hati yang berzikir tiap masa.
dan bergetar takut walau tak terlihat mata lain manusia.

masa itu lah.

kau tahu.
masa itu.
kau ingat tuhan yang satu.

sebelum penghujung datang bertamu .


ingat tuhan.
tentu sekali tak kan kau tak keruan.

insyaAllah neb.

the legless us.

years ago.
somebody.once asked me.

'if i were to lose my legs.would you still want me?'


many
years ago.

it was.

and suddenly.
today.
this late afternoon.


as i was taking my usual break from doing work.
that particular question popped into mind.

and i was prompted.
to write.
before this thought is again lost in the midst of world.




'if i were to lose my legs.would you still want me?'

-------------------------

'would you?'

that was the question.
many years ago.

and this.

this is my answer.

if there is a future ahead.
where it is destined for me.
that there will be a point in life.

where God grants me.
a crossing path of having someone as such in my life.

if anyone.
just anyone.
this.
i would say.
to that someone.


hush darling.
it's only your limbs that are not there.
oh must you remember and not despair .
that the kindness of the soul lies deep in the heart.
even when the rest of the body is in state of impair.
kindness.
will still be there.



often we see.
those individuals.
the ones that we refer as the unlucky ones.
seldom we take time to value them.

sometimes we push them aside.
we treat them differently.
we group them as ugly.
drawing a line of their inabilities over our abilities.
thinking that we can never be that unlucky.

but.

sadly.

our minds and hearts are more deformed.
if we think that.
beauty stops at complete forms.

sadly.

so hush darling.

your legs may not be there.
your feature may lose its glare.
your presence may cause stare.

but don't you know?. . . .

that God creates beauty in everyone.every where.

so lose the legs.
lose the eyes.
the ears.
the hands.
and the minds.

if it is still that same heart that is beating deep beneath the ribs.

fear not.
your beauty is safe with God.

this i wrote.
in the remembrance of a person.
that was once known.

who would give up her legs.
if i were legless too.

so to all.
maybe.
this should be the time.
that we change our views.
and our way of thinking.

what beauty.
is actually.
really.
is.


i didn't get to answer the person.
probably.
i was not suppose to.

but this. i wrote.

so that.
everyone will get to answer.
to the ones they know.
or the ones they might get to know.

that.
hush darling.

beauty is more.
than just the limbs.

yang lama.

mungkin kali.

kau masih ingat.

mungkin kali.

aku sudah lupa.



mungkin kali.

kawan lama.

the half day looking.

half of today is gone.

googling and googling here and there.

looking for the best way to make it easy.

an advice from a friend was sought.

hopefully i will find a way to ease it.because surely.

i want to make it easy.

o Allah.

show what is best.

my knowledge in syariah is very little.

i need to learn more.

more.and more.

and make everything simple.
with no hassle.

little gestures of yours.

those little subtle things.
which makes nothing becomes something.
thats how easily satisfied.
i am.

so one hurdle of the degree is done for today.
another few more weeks and with Allah's grace.

it shall soon be over.

and today.
a friend asked.

'you will be doing your Part 2 here right neb?.after your degreee. '

another 3 more years.it is then?

yes.

'and. you'll be alone by then?
since everyone in your batch is leaving already. '

oh.

hopefully not.

hopefully not.
my friend.

:)

insyaAllah.


so why do i bother mentioning this?

because.

 it dawned on me.


degree.

is.

almost.

over.

teeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Alhamdullilah.
2 more weeks of struggle.
just.2.more.weeks.
ease it o Allah.

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eh.dia tak halal?

dulu penah aku belajar.

kalau nak ditulis apa-apa.

biar semua nya yang jujur. 

mungkin kali ini.

bukan sekadar berpusing kata.

berhelah abjad.

semata mencari ruang melepas bosan.

melayan perasaan.

dengan bait perkataan.

tapi untuk benar-benar aku muntah kan jawapan.

pada persoalan yang lepas-lepas yang aku simpan.

jauh tak terlayan.

dan malam ini.

sebelum diri ditelan bumi.

sebelum akal ditarik Ilahi.

aku pilih untuk rehat.

dari kerja duniawi.

dengan menyusun huruf.

untuk dijadi perkataan.

dibuat ayat.

moga terjadi jawapan. 

pada persoalan.

kawan-kawan.

'eh kenapa nak block?'

'kenapa sombong sangat. tegur ajalah'

'jangan jual mahal. bukan nya nak menggatal.kalau tidak macam mana nak kenal?'

'kalau tak tengok.macam mana nak tahu? jangan lah buat-buat malu'

'bukannya berniat jahat. hanya sekadar melihat'

'kenapa jauhkan diri.kata tak mahu lonely?'

antara yang macam-macam.

selalu yang aku dengar.

dan yang selalu buat aku gusar.

kali ini.

mungkin ada perlu.

aku cerita kan.

pada semua kalian.

yang mahu ambil pelajaran.

dan sedikit peringatan .

yang itu dan ini.

aku buat. bersebab. 

sebelum apa-apa.

minta di ameen kan pada doa ku.

doa.

agar Allah melindung diri dari niat yang salah. 

dalam pada ingin berkongsi.

biar niat dan amal.

berlaku selari.

insyaallah.

ameen. . . 

Bismillahirahmanirahim.

jadi.

dengarlah teman.

bagi semua persoalan.

aku sediakan sebab. 

tak. 

bukan aku sengaja berlaku sombong.

mahu dilihat bergaya dalam berkenalan.

atau pun mahu dipandang terjaga.meletak diri teratas di tangga.

tapi sungguh.

kalau lah kau tahu.

kalau dibiarkan iman sekecil kutu aku ini.

untuk dibiar sendiri yang pegang.

mungkin sudah lama hilang.

kalau lah kau tahu.

kini.

betapa takut aku terlepas pandang.

sehingga tiap saat bermohon untuk dijauh kan dari yang terlarang. 

sehingga sanggup aku meminta. kalau lah dia yang menjadi penghalang untuk aku beringat tuhan malam berganti siang.

jadikanlah apa aja yang menghalang.

sebelum aku salah terjatuh lebihnya sayang.

sebab percayalah kawan. 

pernah diberi aku peluang berkasih.

tapi jauh sekali aku sebabkan untuk si Dia yang Pengasih.

maka terhancur tiap batu jalan untuk ke pintu syurga.

bukan semata mahukan air sungai  yang berwarna putih.

dan tanah hijau luas bersih.

tapi hanya sebab mahu dilihat Tuhan dengan tersengih. 

sebab  itu.

aku berdiri jauh .

percayalah.

dari seorang yang pernah berkasih tanpa benar memilih.

tanpa diselit redha Pengasih.

sungguh.

perihnya itu tak berhujung.

dan tenangnya itu tak bertepi. 

sebab.

benar.

percayalah.

tak akan kita temunya bahagia.

pada perkara yang jalan nya ke neraka.

sebab sungguh.

mungkin ada yang bersangka.

ah comel nya mereka.

berkasih kasih dengan terbuka.

macam sungguh itu cinta mulia.

baik.

dengar sini.

baik-baik.

bertahun - tahun dah aku cuba.

mengejar bahagia.

konon dengan cara yang termulia.

tapi aku lupa.

yang buat lah apa pun cara.

kalau bukan namanya.

yang dah tertulis di atas sana.

tak termungkin bahagia itu jadi kita yang punya.

sebab nya.

kalau dah dimulakan dengan cara yang salah.

tak kan mudah kita bilang. 'redha kan lah ya Allah'

jadi ya.

aku ingatkan.

pada semua.

dan untuk aku yang terutama.

tuliskan ini tebal dalam ingatan.

supaya kau tahu.

tak perlu kau menayang kasih.

dijaja situ dan sini.

bagai sudah terhalal.

sebab sungguh.

yang memang.

PERKARA YANG TAK HALAL ITU TETAP TAK HALAL.

jadi.

tanya lagi aku.

mana yang lebih aku suka. 

yang dulu atau yang ada.

akan mudah aku jawap.

kalau dulu aku tak bodoh.

akan.

aku pilih.

hanya bersebab Allah.

dan mungkin itu.

sudah cukup.

untuk aku bilang kan.

tak kan wujud rasa tak puas.

rasa lemas.dan rimas.

sebab sungguh.

kalau niat beralas.

kan Dia yang di atas.

percayalah.

biar apa pun ada.

untuk masa kedepan.

kalau bukan pun dia.

tak kan aku bersedih.

menangis cukup perih.

sebab sungguh.

kalau lah memang aku bilang.

hanya untuk Allah.

maka harus aku paham.

Allah ku tak pernah kejam . 

yang terbaik itu ada pada Nya.

jadi.tanya kan lagi.

kenapa aku berjauh diri.

dan sungguh kenapa aku takut kali ini.

sebab Wallahi.

hanya.

syurga yang mahu aku cari.

bukan semata-mata dia.

atau untuk melayan suka.

TAPI.

perlu kau ingat.

jangan kau salah kan agama.

konon menjadi penghalang cinta manusia. 

tak kawan. 

sungguh tak.

berkasih itu perlu.

untuk hari ini.dan semalam semalam.

itu sudah lama ada dalam Islam.

tapi perlu kau ingat juga.

atas dasar apa kau bercinta?

kalau kau bilang.

untuk Allah.

maka kejar redha Nya.

tapi kalau sahaja  untuk suka-suka.

maka perlu kau tahu.

pintu neraka itu terbuka untuk semua. 

dan yer.

jangan kau risau.

aku juga dulu macam kau.kau dan kau.

dan dulu kalau aku tahu.

apa benar Islam itu.

akan aku jeritkan di muka aku.

'hey neb! tolonglah malu' 

jadi. aku janji.

untuk kali yang ini.

biar aku jeritkan sana sini.

'TAK.JANGAN KAWAN.JANGAN KAU BUAT CARA YANG INI DAN ITU.ITU TAK HALAL'

sebab sungguh.

biar pun sampai sekarang.

masih lagi aku jerit kan itu pada sendiri.

maka.

mari aku jawapkan.

aku jauh.

sebab aku tahu.

kalau tuhan kata ya.

itu akan jadi kau yang punya.

tak perlu ada risau.

biar sekelumit.

sebab 'kun faya kun'

itu Dia. 

and yes. im writing all these in the purest intention of wanting whats best for all of us.

because.the agony of what is false that befalls on me. i shall not wish that to all. 

so take heed. 

renew your intention.

every day.

i do that every second.

for my heart is fragile. 

and i need to know.

that this world is only for a while.

so why sigh and strut. 

if Allah is what you got. 

and so. 

this i say.

find those that remind you the sweetness of paradise.

not those that are guiding you to the pit of hell. 

because what you see as unlawful sweet and loving today. 

might be your pseudo thinking of yesterday.

may Allah protect us all. 

insyaAllah. 

so yer kawan-kawan.

tak aku tak sombong.

aku cuma manjaga.

untuk baik aku.

dan juga dia.
yang ada atau tak ada.

sebab nak risau apa.

Allah kan ada :) 

to a far away that shall soon stay.

to my love.
that is far.
and that is soon to be near.

oh.
what a year.
has it been.
oh.
what a year.
it has been..


like promised.
i have waited.
in patience
i did.

with a hope.
of a day.
that you will soon come to stay.

for i prepare myself.
ahead. in.a year.
for a month of your stay.

simply because.
it was that day.
the day that you came.
that i became.
blessed.
all over again.



oh July come fast.
be it 20 hours of fasting.
here in this foreign land.
again.

i won't mind.
when it is with you.
Ramadhan. :)

less than 2 months to go.
we should all work hard to beautify our souls.
for the best 29 days of a year :)

NORULE.

 today has been such a nice day that i decided to write on it. in spite of having many drawings to finish.i choose to take a breather. and just write. i need to take a break on lines and just have words instead for now.

anyway. somehow.
 i rarely write my precise daily routine. i like to keep it vague (ya right) or usually i just write it as a status on facebook. but today. i feel like writing it here.
because a looooong never ending status . ( like i usually have.) will only annoy people. ok ok. i got it. (yet. some still choose to read it)
like for instance what happened this morning .

bumped into a friend in studio .and he was like . . .
' ah neb. the facebook status updater. i see your status EVERYDAY. where do you find time to write it? '

'eh. in between drawings. you know me. i have limited span in focusing. i just had to divert or i'll go mental'

'neb this and that. anyway.did you get yourself some milk and some dinner yesterday?'

dalam hati aku bilang .'eleh.konon aku update status banyak.baca jugak kau ni dari awal sampai hujung. lol.what a friend'



so .anyway. back to what i was saying ( see. told ya i get distracted easily) 
oh wait.where was i?

oh yes. instead of a status.blog it is then!
so before anything i'd like to apologise for having this post without any
 hidden messages or advices this time.  basically. but i just feel like sharing for no reason.
( oh ya. there is.  I AM SIMPLY PROCRASTINATING WITH WORK.aaaaaaaaa. )

so this morning.i went early to the workshop. being a kiasu girl as always .oh no no no.not kiasu. i just like being early. i hate waiting.
but as usual. my version of early.is always EXTRA early.so i ended up waiting in the end for the workshop to open.

as i came in. there he was.stewy the workshop assistant. happy and bright as always .well i tend to think that way. and i gave him my drawings and as usual. 'ah nooorule. laser cut again is it?'

oh yes. and like a hyper kid. i get all jittery around machines. aaaaaah how i love the workshop.
and so in awe. LIKE ALWAYS. i stand there watching my work getting cut. and i thought to myself. hey. if only i could get this machine for myself. trust me. i'd put anything in it just to see it cut. heck. i'd cut my own hair  if i could with it!

erm.maybe not.

but yes. thats how kiddish i am around machines and gadgets. i guess i get that alot from ayah.
we all do in fact.
gadget freaks we are.

ok. back to the story. so as i was waiting for the  work to finish. like usual i'll sit there akwardly .minding my own bussiness. trying to be as invisible as possible. then stewy chewy came.

'you know noorule.i never knew how to say your name. is it no-rul or nu-rule..ah which ever,im a scouser. and scoursers say it best like NO-RULE.'

'ok stewy.no rule it is then' dalam hati. ok dah pergi jauh-jauh.lol.

'anyway. i just thought i should tell.you are really a nice person norule. i've been watching you and i can tell that you are nice. if i see your parents at the degree show, i'll compliment them for raising you well' * well. something like that.can't find the exact words. half of it i dind't even catch it. 3 years are not enough for one to really catch the accent. though according to stewy i am now a scouser. for saying ' i have gotten only a tenner' instead of saying ' i only have 10 pounds'  apa apa aja lah.*

ok back to where i was.

i replied. trying to be witty. *which wasn't at all*
'are you hoping for a free lunch now stewy eh?'

with a straight face.
'oh no. this is my compliment to you. i like how you do things. very calm and steady. in this school i see students as two. a tortoise and a . . . * can't catch what he was saying* and you are a tortoise to me. calm and you do your work bit by bit and you get it right! so you are nice!

and dalam diam aku bilang ' kalau lah kau tengok aku melalak.meraung menangis macam mati laki everytime bila design kena reject.mungkin kali kau akan tahu .tak stewy.tak. aku calm macam ni.sebab emak didik. apa pun jadi .jangan gelabh.compusre tu penting. which i fail.MOST OF THE TIME.so no.  *

and so i smiled to him and told him i'll dedicate my degree show models for you then!'

and he went off.

probably thats what he wanted in the first place eh. lol

eh husnuzon neb!

and as i was about to go back.
i said thank you like usual.
usually stewy would just wave back and say 'ya! see you soon!'

but this time around .

he turned around.called my name.
'eh NORULE. and gave me a flying kiss instead . in a very qwerky and funny way that is. i know he was just playing around.

and i did nothing but smile.

so if you are wondering .is this that nice day she has been talking about? gettting a compliment?
oh no no.

the nice bit about today is that.
eventhough final crit is in another 3 more days .
i am suprisingly.
very calm today. * i still have ALOT to do*
and can STILL blog. *sigh*

so lesson to learn here is that.

oh wait. are there suppose to be any?
ok. lesson for me then.

like what mum always says.
'faith and compusure adik.faith and compusure.life is beautiful.relax.'

so i have faith now.  IN WHAT EVER THAT MAY COME.
and i know.that comes only from my Lord.

and to accompany today's mood.
the best song for it would be. yeay. figured . . . .life IS beautiful.
:)

through time and space make it closer or make it further.

 

may Allah grant us all the coolness of our eyes. in what so ever form it may be.

if there appear to be a being or an item of life that is hindering me from You o Allah.
remove the being. and chase away the item.

and if they appear to be a being or an item that will ease my remembrance of You o Allah.
make it closer.even closer than the beat of my heart and the blink of my eyes.

the deleted 495.

with confidence.

i deleted the 495 photos today and continued with work.

simply because.
somebody gave a rational advice.

that it is the future that we should all focus on. and not the past.
because.

'We all have a past, but we all also have a future' .

today. after 1825 days.

i remove my past and head on to the future.

'visit your soul,don't visit your past' -Paulo 

bismillahirahmanirahim. 

minta maaf.

its odd how you worry so much about hurting someone you know so very little.

i feel bad. for an unclear reason.
out of a sudden.

my apology today goes to a stranger
that is thousands of miles away from here.


i guess that is how it should be with everyone else too .
even to strangers.
so that we mind our actions.
really carefully.
in the future.

even without you knowing this.

minta maaf ya .

o july.
come soon.
will you.

for
i dread the days of being far from home.
:(

aku bukan Melayu,Cina atau India. aku. itu aku.

dalam  sibuk mengejar dateline . terbenti sekejap segala kerja.
hanya kerana. wujud satu perasaan yang aku rasa. kalau tidak dikongsi.sekarang juga. saat ini juga .
maka aku lah yang rugi tak kemana.
sebab mungkin kali. esok hari. aku mungkin tak bernafas lagi.
untuk aku cerita kan yang itu dan yang ini.

jadi bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

tanpa aku sedar siapa yang akan membaca.
mungkin kali ada mungkin kali tiada.
tapi biarlah cukup ini menjadi bukti untuk aku tunjukkan pada yang Esa
yang aku juga.
mahu usaha.
mahu beritahu.
yang kalau dah dijadi kan manusia.
memang selayaknya harus.
aku berfikir.
jadi tak salah kalau aku tuliskan apa yang mungkin mampu buat yang lain juga berfikir sama.

what i am about to say. i take full resposibillity of it. and may Allah be the best Protector from me spreading falsehood and make me far from the feeling of gloating and superiority . for my intention is never of those.

ini cerita simple.
hidup aku.
yang hidup macam mana dibesar kan orang tua yang tak berpangkat.
tak berlebih harta.
senang kata.
yang biasa-biasa. aja.
tapi penuh dengan cukup.
Alhamdullilah.

seingat aku.
dari kecil ayah selalu bilang.
usaha adik .
kita hanya akan dapat apa yang layak kita dapat dari apa yang Allah lihat.
melalui usaha kita.

jadi aku memang dari kecil .
tak pernah berhenti dari usaha.
semata mata aku tak mahu dipandang sambil lewa.
mahu dari Rabb ku atau mahupun dari yang lain.
dan aku yakin kalau aku cukup usaha.
tak kan timbul perasaan ragu untuk aku meminta pada Tuhan.

dari kecil.
mudah kata.
tak pernah aku hadap apa itu gagal.
dalam bersekolah.

namun ayah yang begitu merendah diri.
selalu bilang.
'dik. apa yang kau dapat. orang lain pun dapat. jangan sekali dik.kau sangka kan diri kau hebat. '
jadi tiap kali aku cemerlang.
ayah akan tarik balik aku ke bawah.
hanya semata.
mungkin dia tak mahu aku lupa.
yang bukan kejayaan yang aku harap pandang.tapi seharusnya Allah.

jujur.
mungkin kali disebabkan darah yang mengalir dalam diri.
disebabkan keturunan aku milik peribumi.
diberi lah peluang untuk aku merasa keistimewaan bersekolah tinggi.
dimulanya dengan privilege asrama.
jika diingat balik.
bukan kah  lebih mudah?
untuk berada dikeliling bangsa yang sama.
berlawan dengan cara yang sama.
cakap yang sama.
fikiran yang sama.

tapi tidak.
bilang aku pada ayah .
'tak apa lah yah. masuk sekolah biasa pun tak apa. bukan darah penentu jaya nya kita '
jadi.kembali balik aku ke MGS.
sekolah yang bercampur bangsa.
hanya atas sebab.
kalau yang lain boleh.
kenapa aku tak boleh?

dan sungguh. aku melangkah kanan.
berkawan dengan mereka yang bukan sama bangsa.
bukan sama lidah rasa.
tapi sungguh.
kalau ditanya lagi sekarang.
siapa kawan yang paling kau hormat.
tentu sekali aku bilang.
 si dia yang berbangsa lain.

dan Alhamdullilah.
aku tahu. bukan sebab aku.
dan kemahuan ku.
tapi hanya kasih belas Tuhan ku.
dapatlah lagi  aku merasa apa itu cemerlang.

tanpa perlu berada dalam golongan  aku sahaja.
aku belajar.yang hormat ,kasih ,prihatin itu aku dapat dari mereka yang tak sama warna kulitnya.

selepas habis sekolah.
dengan result yang dah tersedia.
aku sorong pada mana sahaja scholarship yang ada.
saat itu tak pernah pun terfikir kenapa.
mungkin dah terikut budaya.
yang kalau result nya cantik.maka.
kesitu lah yang harus aku cuba.

dan Alhamdullilah.
lagi sekali diberi  nikmat belajar.
tapi saat aku tahu yang itu.
ayah bilang satu perkara
'dik.result yang kau dapat. percayalah.ada 500 orang lagi di atas nama kau yang dapat.tetap jangan kau sangka kau paling hebat'


jadi diam lama aku berfikir.
kenapa mungkin aku yang dapat?
mungkin kerana aku berkulit cokelat?
tapi mana mungkin aku bilang begitu.
sebab 5 dalam 6 berbangsa  lain yang ada dalam interview room bersama aku.
juga dapat.

maka aku terus lagi berfikir.
walau jauh untuk aku dekat dengan Tuhan.
terfikir sekejap aku tentang Dia.
ayah bilang.
kalau kau usaha.
Allah pandang.
maka aku terfikir.
mungkin kali ini lah nikmat usaha?

tapi aku ingat kan diri lagi.
dalam penuh takut berbangga diri.
bukan dengan yang lain.
tapi dengan diri sendiri.

' tak neb. kau bukan pandai.kau bukan istimewa. yang kau dapat hanya sungguh atas sebab. dah tertulis di atas sana'

bertahun yang lepas.
dalam antara solat-solat yang terlepas.
walau jauh nak digelar diri penuh beragama.
tetap aku terfikir.
kenapa ya?
kenapa dalam penuh dosa.
masih Allah pilih untuk dibuka mata?

tak cukup kufur lagi nikmat diberi.
aku lengah masa untuk kembali sujud
aku sangka.
tak apa.
esok masih ada.

namun.
dalam diam.
mungkin tak aku nampak kan pada kalian.
yang sebenarnya.
aku penuh dengan tanda tanya.
penuh dengan keinginan untuk paham.

dan aku ingat sekali lagi ayah bilang.
'usaha adik'
tak kan mungkin aku bermatian berusaha untuk perihal dunia semata.
tapi tak sanggup buat yang sama untuk hal syurga dan neraka.
jadi aku usaha.
dalm solat yang mungkin.
setahun sekali.
dalam duduk diam mengingat Tuhan yang jarang kali.

kenapa aku dapat yang baik-baik aja ya Rabb?
sedangkan aku jauh dari makna baik.

bukan bersoal tanda tak syukur.
bukan bersoal tanda tak yakin.
tapi aku bersoal.
hanya atas dasar untuk diberi jawapan yang benar.

dan aku tanya lagi.
dengan diri penuh tak berilmu.
benar kah kata orang ya Rabb. aku dapat ini dan itu.
hanya atas dasar aku Melayu?

dan sebelum aku mengenal Quran.
sungguh aku tak tahu.
yang Allah itu tak pernah memilih atas dasar darah yang mengalir.
aku keluarkan balik diri aku dari pemikiran dari yang lain.

tak kan lah mungkin .rezeki istimewai ini hanya atas dasar.
aku ini berbangsa.
sebab sungguh itu tidak adil.
bagi aku.
dan bagi yang lain.
jadi persoalan yang ada.
untuk 5 tahun yang lepas.

baru aku tersedar.
isitimewa yang aku dapat.
bukan sebab aku dilahir berkulit cokelat.
tapi mungkin atas sebab.

kata ayah suruh usaha.
maka aku usaha.
dan sebab Allah itu Mulia.
di beri aku usaha.
dan sebab usaha.
mungkin kali aku diberi nikmat seinchi dalam dunia.

jadi.
untuk kalian yang pelik berkata.
yang ada antara berlainan bangsa dan agama.
'ala neb. senanglah kau bilang.kau dapat itu ini.sebab semua sudah diberi'
perlu kau tahu.

malam hari yang kau korban kan mengira nombor,bermain kata,berletih diri semata nak berjaya.
aku juga sama.
sebanyak mana usaha kau letak.
sebanyak itu juga ayah suruh aku letak.

jadi aku bilang.
tak sayang.
bukan semata sebab.
mata kita lain bentuknya.
kulit kita lain warnanya.
hati kita lain percayanya.

tapi sebab.
kau usaha.
dan aku juga usaha.

dan untuk kalian yang pelik berkata.
yang ada antara samanya bangsa,samanya agama.
'ala neb. buat apa kau susah. berhenti sekejap dari lelah. ambil kau masa.untuk berhelah. bukan kah kita menangnya sudah. dalam berjumlah. nanti-nanti akan juga mewah'
perlu kau tahu.

di malam hari walau kita bersujud pada Tuhan yang sama.
merasa belacan yang sama.
berkulit tona yang sama.

usaha aku tak akan berhenti hanya kerana apa yang kau sangka.
sebab.sungguh tak adil.
kau nilai kalah menang aku atas siapa aku.
dan bukan kerana apa dibuat aku.

jadi. untuk isu yang makin lama makin buat aku sakit.
yang aku lihat semakin banyak membawa perit.
pada aku dan pada teman yang lain.
pada pertandingan yang tak pernah sihat.
berlumba atas dasar bangsa.
dan bukan usaha.

aku beritahu sekali lagi.
Allah ku bukan mengira pada bulat,sepet,cenkung mata kita.
sebab sungguh Dia yang cipta semuanya.
tapi pada.
apa usaha kita.

yang itu lebih utama.

dan untuk meraka kawan berlainan agama dan bangsa aku dari kecil.
sayang aku tak pernah hilang.
biarpun apa orang bilang.
hormat aku tetap ada.
jika masih aku juga dihormat.
sebab itu.
apa yang dididik mulia Rasul aku.

dan untuk mereka kawan bersama agama dan bangsa aku dari kecil.
tetap juga engkau yang aku sayang.
tapi jika satu hari jika kau pilih Tuhan untuk kau paling.
tahulah aku menangis dalam selang malam dan siang.

untuk SEMUA pihak.
baik yang itu mahu pun yang ini.

apa yang dihajat.
berlandaskan doa dan usaha.
bukan semata bangsa dan sangkaan diri yang terlebih agama.

sebab Allah itu.

untuk semua.

walaupun untuk aku yang kurang agama.

walaupun untuk dia yang lain kulitnya.

kurang-kurangkan lah isu bangsa ini.
dua dekad yang lebih aku hidup.
dahulu tak pernah wujud isu ini.

mungkin kali.
aku yang buta.
nak lihat yang indah sahaja.

atau mungkin sudah makin banyak yang wujud dari semua pihak .
baik yang disangka alim.dan baik yang disangka tamak.

mula bermain isu ini.
atas dasar.
mereka boleh.

jadi untuk semua.
jangan kau biar selain Tuhan.
menitik pemikiran celik kau.

sebab sungguh anak kecil biar apa pun bangsa.
tetap merasa panas jika bermain api.


Allahhualam.

insyaAllah.

somebody i used to not know.

why cry over a rotten apple.
when you have a perfectly ripen pear.

they are things and people in life that Allah took away from us.
just to replace it with something  or someone better.

because we live not for this world.
but for the world after.

la tahzan dear heart.
la tahzan.

so to answer a question that was asked.

no.i was never single.
how can i be when i have Allah.

:)

O you who have wrapped up in your garments!

these past few weeks.

i have been asking a lot of guidance from Allah.

simply because.

if it is not Him.

who else?

i have been having few thoughts lately.

of how little my contribution is to the ummah.

and i was lost deep in my thoughts and feelings.

to the point. i feel boneless.and hopeless.

this sudden realisation . if one might say.

struck me one morning.

and forced me to think.

 I HAVE NOT DONE MUCH FOR THE SOCIETY.

have i?

to myself i thought.

it seems like there is more to just sitting around and learning. 

my limbs are not moving as much as it should!

and my ideas are contained within the sphere of my head and i am wasting it.

and all i want to do.is to MOVE. 

REALLY MOVE.

make changes and contribute. 

be it little.be it big.

but how am i suppose to evoke these numb limbs and these stagnant ideas

without even trying?

how?

a rush of restlessness came.

and all i want to do is just do something. 

to just be awake.and to dismiss those deep slumbers of years hiding under a warm blanket of winter.

a death of an akhi a few weeks back was a knock in the head.

but i think that was not the case.

i just don't know what this is.this time around.it feels even more different.

it feels like an overflowing water in a small jug under a huge tap.

i am unsettled.

very.

I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

in silence i scream.

I -JUST-WANT-TO-DO-SOMETHING.

in repetition. i screamed.

every morning woken after a dream.

BUT.

BUT.

'finals are coming soon neb.you need to do your work. you need to prepare.you need to finish all the 'undones' you.just need to!'

and there i was again stuck in between serving the worldly needs and preparing for my wants of the hereafter.

i am stuck.

waaaaaay stuck. 

and so a moment of reflection that was in dire need.was taken.

and i asked myself.

what more can you do neb?

a girl of a very little knowledge.

who knows nothing of the world and the world after?

who has limited ways of reaching back to society. 

whom.

if compared to 7 billion people out there.

has nothing.

to offer.

i am not a thinker.

my opinions go far as to serve me.

i am not wealthy.

my money is not mine.

i am not known.

my existence is only for God to know.

so what am i?

i am just a neb.

but. 

i don't want to settle with just that.

i refuse.

and i asked even more. 

like a greedy person looking for things to grab.

i asked God.

let me be of those who serves You.

and helps the rest.

in sincerity.with only Your bless.

because.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

living in luxury surrounded by poverty.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

gaining knowledge just to keep it under the bridge.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

breathing the air of Yours in  deep slumber.

i refuse to.

and.

through my thoughts.

He answered.

'wait a minute. i don't need to be all that. i could change the world. by changing myself.. i am the world itself.aren't i?because it wouldn't be 7 billion people if there is a minus one in it. '

and so i realised.

i don't need to chase all those big things in life.

just in order to change life itself.

i just need to change myself.

and with the help of Al-Hakim (The Wise) 

i seek guidance. 

find me a way.

to find you.

and so. all i have for the moment is.

a thought to share.

if ever there is someone out there.

like me. im sure.

it's alright.

we might not have much to offer.

the world might be too big for us to cover.

but. we have the biggest say in our own lives.

and so.

my advice would be.

lets start small.

because Allah sees all.

and insyaAllah.

if it is for Him and only Him. 

He'll give it to us.all.

be mindful of our actions.

be graceful to others.

and most importantly.

be truthful to Allah.

and that.

i think.

would be.

an enough contribution.

for now. 

 "Ya Allah, aku memohon kepada-Mu curahan rahmat dari sisi-Mu, yang dengannya hatiku mendapat petunjuk, terkumpul segala yang bercerai-berai dan terhimpun segala yang terpisah-pisah, tertolak segala fitnah atas diriku dan bertambah baik urusan agamaku, terpelihara segala sesuatu yang jauh dariku dan terangkat apa yang dekat denganku, disucikan segala perbuatanku dan dicerahkan wajahku, diberi ilham menuju petunjuk dan terpelihara diriku dari segala sesuatu yang jelek."

dear july.

and sometimes i wish.
under these piles of mess.
of papers and stress.
i'll wake up one morning.
in a place i call home.


patient my dear.
patient.

july will come.
and so will you.

please wait.
for i am waiting too.

to an unknown feeling that God gave.

so many things in common . yet God made us two different strangers oblivion to one another's existence. too close yet far apart we are made.

without knowing you.

yet my heart tells me. 

you might be the half that will help me in my deen.

o Allah protect me from falsehood.

make what ever good closer to me than the beat of my own heart.

make the thousand years gap closer than an inch.
and make those that are bad for me further than the moon and the sun.
should the gap be more than a thousand years.

for if it is written.

it is written.
and for if it is not.
it is not.

insyaAllah. 

late afternoon chat.

the wind of spring is blowing hard.
it's dark outside but still  far from midnight.
here i am inside.
not willing to be outside.
for it is nothing but cold.
and the silence of dark.

these past few days have been extremely different.
after years of keeping myself on this journey to God.
only tonight i once again felt.
the sweetness of the very first night.
when i said, 'o Allah be with me.for i am in fright '

truly
the topsy turvy of this journey have made me grown.
to make me understand that everything that i do not own.
a soul of a new searcher is seeking for my help.
and in a split second i am reminded of myself again.

o how i miss those days of late afternoon chat with God.
how i miss to just talk to empty space with confidence of being heard.
and far from fear of being seen as mad.
oh dear self.
what have become of you.
don't you still know.
that He listens even when you don't?
and so tonight. again.
in gratitude of a new found friend.
i was talking to my God again.
out to the empty space.

sometimes we think that we are helping others. but without realizing. it is them that is helping us.
the wonders of God's mercy.
He makes it possible for His worshippers.
to help and to be helped.

thank you Allah.
i now. again.
believe.

Verily, those who have believed, and those who have emigrated (for Allah's Religion) and have striven hard in the Way of Allah, all these hope for Allah's mercy. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most-Merciful. [2:218]

fear.

i write when i am in fear.

and so i write. 

these past few days of mixed emotion have been tough.

too many fears and too sudden.

i fear that i am not a decent person.

i fear that when the days end.

my feet are not walking towards the door of heaven.

and i fear. 

i am not being the best submitter 

to the best Creator.

o Allah give me all the strength in the future.

o Allah ease my burden for the present.

o Allah surround me with among your best creations.

o Allah lend me a partner  that is deeply in love with you.

o Allah make me close to my kin. 

o Allah be pleased with my effort.

and o  Allah .  spare me Your smile.

when the whole word is frowning. 

i write my prayers out loud in hope to get a silent ameen from anyone who is reading.

because. the best kind of prayer is the one that is made from a brother or a sister without my knowledge.
thank you.

to remember.

as i sit alone in the living room one silent night pondering upon the future.

a certain fear swallowed me.
a fear of not knowing what may be.
and i wandered alone.
in a maze of my own mind.

o Allah.
i do not know my future.
i do not know what is best .
and i do not know myself.

so direct my fears of all the unknowns to You.
so that i have every reason to remember you.
to seek your help.in contanst plead.
the lowest bow.is just for You.

and in lost.
i write.
to soothe what is unsettled.
because i know.
you are reading.
only You that can read my heart.

o Allah.
give me only what is best for me.


only in the remembrance of Allah,we find peace.
only with the guidance of Allah.we find the way.

'remember Me, and I shall remember You' -Baqarah 152.

today.i did.

and i have done my bit.

just to keep this mind at rest.
not to pleasure the interest of myself.
but to dismiss the unsettled thoughts of not trying.

today i have lowered down the enemy of me.
today i shed  the cloak of my ego.
and i took the big step which i never thought i would.
and today i realised.
there is nothing shameful.
about trying to please God.
if my way is misunderstood i leave it to God to judge what He knows best.
and today.

i did.
something that is never my way.
something i vowed never to do.

today.
i did just that
i brave myself and i stepped out of the comfort of being me.

today.

i don't mind.
because today.
i have God.

hasbunallahwanikmalwakil.
nikmalmaulawanikmannaseer.