O you who have wrapped up in your garments!

these past few weeks.

i have been asking a lot of guidance from Allah.

simply because.

if it is not Him.

who else?

i have been having few thoughts lately.

of how little my contribution is to the ummah.

and i was lost deep in my thoughts and feelings.

to the point. i feel boneless.and hopeless.

this sudden realisation . if one might say.

struck me one morning.

and forced me to think.

 I HAVE NOT DONE MUCH FOR THE SOCIETY.

have i?

to myself i thought.

it seems like there is more to just sitting around and learning. 

my limbs are not moving as much as it should!

and my ideas are contained within the sphere of my head and i am wasting it.

and all i want to do.is to MOVE. 

REALLY MOVE.

make changes and contribute. 

be it little.be it big.

but how am i suppose to evoke these numb limbs and these stagnant ideas

without even trying?

how?

a rush of restlessness came.

and all i want to do is just do something. 

to just be awake.and to dismiss those deep slumbers of years hiding under a warm blanket of winter.

a death of an akhi a few weeks back was a knock in the head.

but i think that was not the case.

i just don't know what this is.this time around.it feels even more different.

it feels like an overflowing water in a small jug under a huge tap.

i am unsettled.

very.

I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

in silence i scream.

I -JUST-WANT-TO-DO-SOMETHING.

in repetition. i screamed.

every morning woken after a dream.

BUT.

BUT.

'finals are coming soon neb.you need to do your work. you need to prepare.you need to finish all the 'undones' you.just need to!'

and there i was again stuck in between serving the worldly needs and preparing for my wants of the hereafter.

i am stuck.

waaaaaay stuck. 

and so a moment of reflection that was in dire need.was taken.

and i asked myself.

what more can you do neb?

a girl of a very little knowledge.

who knows nothing of the world and the world after?

who has limited ways of reaching back to society. 

whom.

if compared to 7 billion people out there.

has nothing.

to offer.

i am not a thinker.

my opinions go far as to serve me.

i am not wealthy.

my money is not mine.

i am not known.

my existence is only for God to know.

so what am i?

i am just a neb.

but. 

i don't want to settle with just that.

i refuse.

and i asked even more. 

like a greedy person looking for things to grab.

i asked God.

let me be of those who serves You.

and helps the rest.

in sincerity.with only Your bless.

because.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

living in luxury surrounded by poverty.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

gaining knowledge just to keep it under the bridge.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

breathing the air of Yours in  deep slumber.

i refuse to.

and.

through my thoughts.

He answered.

'wait a minute. i don't need to be all that. i could change the world. by changing myself.. i am the world itself.aren't i?because it wouldn't be 7 billion people if there is a minus one in it. '

and so i realised.

i don't need to chase all those big things in life.

just in order to change life itself.

i just need to change myself.

and with the help of Al-Hakim (The Wise) 

i seek guidance. 

find me a way.

to find you.

and so. all i have for the moment is.

a thought to share.

if ever there is someone out there.

like me. im sure.

it's alright.

we might not have much to offer.

the world might be too big for us to cover.

but. we have the biggest say in our own lives.

and so.

my advice would be.

lets start small.

because Allah sees all.

and insyaAllah.

if it is for Him and only Him. 

He'll give it to us.all.

be mindful of our actions.

be graceful to others.

and most importantly.

be truthful to Allah.

and that.

i think.

would be.

an enough contribution.

for now. 

 "Ya Allah, aku memohon kepada-Mu curahan rahmat dari sisi-Mu, yang dengannya hatiku mendapat petunjuk, terkumpul segala yang bercerai-berai dan terhimpun segala yang terpisah-pisah, tertolak segala fitnah atas diriku dan bertambah baik urusan agamaku, terpelihara segala sesuatu yang jauh dariku dan terangkat apa yang dekat denganku, disucikan segala perbuatanku dan dicerahkan wajahku, diberi ilham menuju petunjuk dan terpelihara diriku dari segala sesuatu yang jelek."