patience is virtue?or patience is happiness?

many days of Syawal have we lived.
many type of victories may we have achieved.i hope.
because indeed it is a month of victory.isn't it not?

so for today a simple topic for a relaxing Monday shall i serve.

patience.

yes.patience.
a simple word to utter.a simple idea to grasp.and a simple lesson to teach.
but...a very hard thing to execute.

because.patience is not something that one is fond of..when
anger comes to visit.
pain comes to haunt
and misery becomes closer than a close friend.

have we ever realized
we often say,
patience is virtue.
and in Islam..patience is iman itself.

but.why is it so hard at times.to really let patience become apart of us and we apart of it?
are we trying to tell ourselves that..
we don't aim for virtuousness?
and that we don't care of what become to our iman?

surely for anyone with a right mind would answer no.
yet....why do we let ourselves become the slave of impatience?

for me.
patience is a thing that becomes so familiar yet rare.
so familiar to hear and sometimes do.but so rarely would myself feel the sweetness of patience itself.
thus,this makes me wonder.have i ever truly experience patience all this whilst?or was it another false definition of what patience is.

and from there.i embarked to yet another self exploration.
crawling deep into a hole where everything begins.the heart.
so for today and yesterday.i asked myself.

"Neb,do you understand what patience is to begin with?"

and silently a shameful answer whispered back.
NO.

we have been taught for years.since we were small.
to be patient.to be tolerant.to be a person.
but what does it actually mean to execute patience and tolerance so that we would one day be labeled as a person?
and followed after that.how does the reaction from the action of patience really feel?

so today i decided to share.and i hope.there lies patience in all of you who is reading.so that you'll reach the last word of this post.
after all...its all about being patient in reaching the end eh?

so.to begin with.
we all know,patience is always commonly linked to
anger,pain and misery.
because to execute patience when you are in the midst of joy seemed to be rather unorthodox to the whole idea of what patience is.
but i would say.happiness and joy is closer to patience rather than anger,pain and misery.
why so?
the answer for that lies in the true understanding of what patience really means.

lets take an example of an everyday life.
everyday.we are constantly exposed to the opportunity of being angry.of experiencing pain.and of dealing with misery.
so to not perish and lose the essence of the human spirit in us.we deal all of that with one strong weapon that God has given to the humans and for the humans to make full use.and that weapon is one and only..patience itself.
and for this,we humans are left with choices.whether to apply that weapon in our everyday battle with life or to simply chuck it away and waste that wonderful gift God has given.

so to me.the whole lesson begins with a yesterday.
for yesterday and today.i was faced with a test and for that test i have prepared myself with God's weapon.patience itself.
but along the way in using the weapon of patience,there was a slight thought.and a pinch of feeling.that came with it.which i do not know.and for a millisecond.i questioned myself.i am being patient aren't i?

and that is where it all came about.
and from that one question i came to realise that i was hiding behind the idea of patience.when i was not.
because as i try to understand it more.
i try to reason with what i have known.
and what i know is that.my God creates beauty.in everything.
and He promised for every good deed there lies mountful of benefits.

"...any who believe in God and the Last Day,and work righteousness ,shall have their reward with their Lord;on them shall be no fear nor shall they grieve" Quran 2:62

and it struck me.i was not being patient.because through out in thinking i was,i was also at the same time in fear and grieve.
shamefully i thought i have experienced patience.
when i tolerate with my siblings.
when i give in to an argument with my friends.
when i willingly waited for hours for a delayed flight.
and simply when i pardon anyone who simply cut the que.
all those times.

but now only i realise.in all those things i did.if not much,there was still a slight of grieve.anger.annoyance.and fear.in all the actions of patience i did.

that gave me some sense that i was not being patient.i was just at that moment handling things with caution.
and through all that.i came to understand why happiness and joyfulness are closer to patience rather than anger,pain and misery.
because,when you truly become patient.you are actually at the same time happy.and that is truly what 'to be patient with an open heart' really means.
you open your heart so big for patience to take place until what you feel is only happiness.
to be happy in patience itself.
MasyaAllah...what a strong weapon indeed it is God gave us.and it is a shame for us.if we do not know how to use it.

so from today.because of yesterday.i tell myself. not just to be patient.but to be patient happily.because only then will you know the true ultimate sweetness of patience itself.

and this is why...........i must be patient.because i want to be happy.
simply because.happiness is patience itself........ :)

lastly.thank you for being patient in reaching the last word.may you gain something out of it.insyaAllah.

losing in winning.

the days are coming to an end.
and soon i'll be up in the sky.
and that foreign land will again become home.
and i shall again once more.miss this place i call.my real home.

so basically Eid was quiet and moody for me.
hormones kicked in at such a wrong timing.
but hormone or not,i should have been able to fight it.
and what a shame.i lost to my own mood.what a shame.
so.i shall say. even though Eid Fitri is celebrated for victory,
my victory lies in Ramadhan..and my lost.is to my own mood. :(

Langit Biru (OTS) - Asmidar (Live @ Starmount Studio KL Full HD)

a catchy song for a lovely morning.

kau dan aku.jom ke langit biru :)

Jika mereka sibuk mencari KECINTAAN . .
Biarlah kita sibuk mencari KEIMANAN . .

Jika mereka sibuk mencari PASANGAN . .
Biarlah kita sibuk mencari KEREDHAAN . .

Jika mereka menangis kerana kecewa BERCINTA . .
Biar kita menangis kerana mengingati dosa-dosa . .

Jika mereka cintakan kemanusiaan . .
biar kita cintakan ALLAH .

-baitul muslim-

"Lelaki, jgn terlalu murah engkau dlm berbicara dan jgn terlalu mudah engkau mengucapkan kata2 'I LOVE YOU' atau 'I MISS YOU' kpd seseorang wanita kerana engkau pun tahu wanita itu sangat rapuh hatinya dan mudah goyah imannya. Jika kau ikhlas ingin memiliki mereka, maka datangilah wali mereka dan pinanglah mereka dgn lafaz Bismillah..-syahirul.com"

you.

a letter to you.

dear you,
i know that you have to leave.
and i know that at one point i must let you go.
but this time.losing you gets painful and more painful each time.
we have known each other for years.
and yet.each year,i mistreated you.
and this time.losing you gets painful and more painful than ever.
so to dear you,i will never know when is our next time.
it is not of me to decide.
and my will is up to loving you,and the rest i shall leave it to the one that created you and I.
so to dearest you,
my prayers will start and will never stop.
until that one day we are join again.
for i want you to be there every step of the way of everyday.
so on your way back,please do stop and tell your friend.
help me with life.be there for my tears and joy.
like you did.
for i will cry.and i will smile.like i did.
and lastly,to dearest of dearest of dearest you,
thank you is the only word i have.
may it worth more than just words to you.
for now.i really do love you.

finally......to you......its goodbye now......really...goodbye now...Ramadhan..


p/s : Ramadhan has walked away.pray that it left us with a precious gift.a gift of a stronger love to the one and only one Creator.
so long Ramadhan.may we meet again.....insyaAllah.. :)

the cry in joy.

Sunday it is.

it was a long night for me.it was not close to a deep slumber at all.and i woke up with an eye bag.followed by a delusional time frame that it is still night.when it is not.

and if you are wondering.what could have kept Neb semi awake in the middle of a silent night?

if you answer.she was praying to God.
then you would be wrong.

if you answer.she was reciting the Quran.
then you would be wrong again.

if you answer she was praising God with endless dzkir.
then you would be wrong.still.

and if you answer she was just simply keeping God close to her heart.the whole night.
then you would still be.very wrong.again.

because the fact is.she didn't do all that.she was just laying on the bed.turning her body left and right.trying to find the best position there is.
while turning off the alarm for every half an hour from 2 in the morning.
because.............

she refused to meet God that night.
and.......she was.......simply.the whole definition of what wasteful is.

with 1 day left before this beautiful month ends.i wasted it on a slumber.that was not even deep.
too soon to end.i whispered.but it remained just a whisper.because.this heart i have,is still not white.this heart i have is still black.
and i sigh with regret.and i wept remorsefully.because knowing without doing anything.is simply...what wasting is.

so.to Ramadhan that will soon end.
for the first time.i truly understand what appreciation is.because.
i appreciate you.so much so that i don't want you to pass.
and i hope you would be more than just 30 days of blessings.for me to appreciate.

so to Ramadhan that will soon end.
my final word.is thank you.
greatest gratitude for being there.to battle with my transgress self.and i fear that it would be even harder when you end.
because.not just myself I'm battling with after this.but syaitan will be there too.every step there is to take.
and i hope you would be more than just 30 days of blessings.for me to have you by my side.

so to Ramadhan that will soon end.
be it another year to come.i will wait.
may that God whom created you and I let us meet again.
and i hope you would be more than just 30 days of blessings.for us to never part.

and finally to Ramadhan that will soon end.in a day.
may i remember how much you worth.for when we meet again.
i shall greet you with full honour.
because......you deserve nothing less than that.
and i hope you would be more that just 30 days of blessings.for i want to greet you everyday.

let this entry be a reminder to my own self.to really make that one day left worth more than the rest of 28 days that passed.
since i will never know when is my next.

finally.to all muslims.my wish to you is Happy Eid.and my hope for you is that you had the best Ramadhan you have ever had.and the most moderate Eid you will soon celebrate.

and not to forget.to all Malaysians out there.Selamat Hari Merdeka.
Lets free ourselves from the sins that we committed,because that is what freedom really is.

salam.

words...

nice quotes i found today.and may it touches your heart like it touched mine.

“Aku suka kepada orang-orang soleh, padahal aku bukan termasuk golongan mereka. Harapanku hanyalah agar aku juga mendapat syafaat, kelak bila bersama mereka. Dan aku benci orang-orang yang menjadikan maksiat sebagai perniagaan mereka dalam hidup ini, walaupun aku sendiri mungkin seperti mereka yang melakukan maksiat tersebut.” – Imam As-Syafi'ie"

"Siapalah si tudung labuh yang merasa dirinya mulia? Walau bertudung labuh jangan kau anggap dirimu hebat, maksum atau mulia. Jangan kau riak dan ujub. Jangan kau fikir org lain tidak setaraf. Jangan kau rasa dirimu sudah mendapat tiket ke syurga. Lupakah? Bahawa ibadat dan amalan yang kau kumpul tak bererti apa-apa jika niatmu bukan kerana Allah. Niatmu untuk menunjuk-nunjuk, maka kau akan malu tertunduk di depan Allah kelak. Sia-sia sahaja! DAN siapalah kau si perempuan pendedah aurat yang merasa dirimu akan selamat? Yang mahu bergantung harap pada syafaat Nabi. Yang merasa diri cukup baik walaupun aurat terdedah. Yang berangan-angan akan syurga tetapi enggan patuh. Jangan kau fikir Allah mahu memandang sifat baikmu jika arahan dan hakNya kau ketepikan, usah kau mimpi dan angkuh! Siapakah kau si tudung labuh dan si pendedah aurat? Jangan mudah-mudah kau fikir kau akan selamat selagi kau tidak menganggap dunia ini penjara buatmu.-syahirul.com"

"Mudahnya wahai lelaki, kamu kata “Sejahat-jahat aku, aku ingin bernikah dengan perempuan baik-baik, bukan yang macam awek aku sekarang”. Percakapan kamu seakan-akan wanita baik-baik tiada hak bersuamikan lelaki baik, seakan-akan wanita tiada hak memilih, seperti kamu yang buat semua keputusan. Jangan mimpi nak jadikan wanita solehah sebagai isteri jika kamu jahat kerana mereka berhak mendapat suami soleh. Pergi! Siapkan diri kamu dengan agama sebelum nak kahwin dengan wanita solehah!-syahirul.com"

"Antara tanda lelaki itu baik adalah dia TIDAK AKAN PERNAH MEMBICARAKAN SOAL SEKS ATAU YANG MENAIKKAN SYAHWAT denganmu sama ada melalui sms, telefon atau berdepan, SELAGIMANA DIA belum bernikah denganmu. Mana-mana lelaki yang membicarakannya atau meminta sebelum bernikah adalah lelaki jahat dan tidak layak dijadikan suami atau itulah bakal suami penzina, kecuali apabila mereka juga bertaubat.-syahirul.com"

I tell the boys and girls: "Allah has already written the names of your spouses for you, what you need to work on is your relationship with Allah s.w.t. He will send her/him to you when you're ready. It is only a matter of time." (sheikh mamdouh)"

Nabi s.a.w bersabda: “Sebaik-baik saf lelaki adalah yang paling hadapan dan yang paling buruk adalah yang paling belakang. Dan sebaik-baik saf bagi wanita adalah yang paling belakang, yang terburuk bagi mereka adalah yang paling depan.” (H.R. Muslim, 2/435, no. 664)

DEAR ISLAM
My dear Islam
I'm so sorry
that in my heart,
your state is awry.
In shame my head I bury.
All things I think I can get in hurry.
But now I discover I should less worry.
My dear Islam I feel sad.
Because my heart to you have been hard.
I've discovered the need to be though.
On my soul lest it becomes soft.
For evils and sins to lodge.
-Islamic Poetry Today

"Masih memaparkan atau simpan gambar bersama pasangan yang bukan mahram dalam keadaan rapat, berdua, boleh menimbulkan fitnah? Buanglah, anda takkan rugi.. Yang halal itu jelas, yang haram itu jelas..-syahirul.com"

a start.

minutes.hours.days.and weeks.passed.

and i realized i have abandoned this writing path for too long.forgive me for having ridiculous posts few days behind.indeed most are ridiculous and very little are amazing.or maybe none.so this time needless to say it is not ridiculously amazing.at all.
so i figured i shall stop the video posting and shall actually write.no more hiding behind songs.my words should worth more than some random melody i heard.after all.i want to speak for Allah don't i?

so to keep things updated.i have been well.and the start of this week was rejuvenating indeed.and may my story of a week begin with a far away kept feelings of Riya' (ostentation) and Ujub (vanity) for i am telling for the sake of sharing. :)

so for this week.i started of Monday and Tuesday quite different.something i have never done before.something i would have never been labelled for.i decided to join a group of wonderful people on a program.and in spite of being skeptical and scared of something that is very foreign.for which i am really.i managed to push that away.and pulled myself together.the program was held in a mosque.an architecturally simple but beautiful mosque.to me.

this may be ordinary to most.but for me.this is something very.very new.indeed.to be honest.the longest time i have stayed in a mosque is practically when u add the time of taking a wudhu' (ablution) and the time you take to pray. (a very fast pray.before) yes.that was the longest.and this time.to be able to be in a mosque for more than 10 minutes and at the same time to be surrounded by amazing people that speak of God.was not simply a choice.i made.but a gift.He gave.
and indeed it was.vitalizing for this low level of iman i own..indeed.

and for that two days i spent.mixed feelings filled this empty vessel i carried along with.a feeling of nervous.but yet calm.a feeling of empty.but yet content.a feeling of strained.but yet safe.
in all.i was simply drowned in seas of confusion.and i question myself relentlessly.
how did i get here?

the feeling of.

nervous for being surrounded by these group of people.that value life.but not as much as they value the life after life.
yet calm.for being able to be close to them....for me.to follow.

empty.for knowing i have so little knowledge to share.and what i know worth less than a speck of dust.compared to what they have.
yet.content.for knowing that for the first time in life.i truly value knowledge.knowledge of Him.

strained.for having to cope with such new milieu.that i was never introduced to.
yet.safe.for having to know.there are people out there.that i can simply reach.and ask.and this time.i know where to look for.

when everything ended.as i was sitting in a train.on my way to go back.i began to analyse everything.and even though there are things that i didn't manage to grasp fully along those two days.(because being a newbie is not easy) one thing that i am sure of.is that.

'Neb.....you are indeed lucky'

and i smiled.

so to 2 days.may you be a start to many days ahead... :)
because 'how did i get here?' has now changed to....'how can i get there again?'

Zivilia ~ Aishiteru (HD Video Clip)

a random song i heard on the radio this morning.and i thought hey.i might be the lamest person on earth for liking this.but who cares. :)

silent sin.

oh my Allah.if i have sinned,forgive me.
and if i haven't keep me far away from it.

to all.i feel like sharing this.for i feel so near to this sin once.
and in hope may you people are miles away from it.

a thing i found.and things i want to do.

indeed :)

penghujung cintaku - Pasha ft Adelia

a song to a someday.....

maybe :)

the 100th day.

Imam Ghazali once said,

" Find your heart when you read the Quran.If you find it not,find it in your prayers.If you still find it not in your prayers,discover it in your remembrance of death.and if you still couldn't.Pray to Allah for a new heart "

day 100.

is something short.and.brief.

finally.a journey of finding a God in a heart ends with a final letter.

a letter to a heart.my heart.

So to dear heart of mine,

100 days of searching.
100 days of lessons.
100 days of cleansing.
100 days of a journey.

have passed.

to a search of a better purpose.
to lessons of worth learning.
to a cleanse of once filthy state.
and
to a journey of finding a Creator.

one reminder remained still.

to heart.
keep yourself near.
and not let it stray.
remember to remember.
to not let one name fade away.

and that name.is..

Allah.

finally, with love and care,
myself.

You are nearer to me than i am.

day 99.

is.
days without writing for i have not been well.
but will soon be fine.for i have a God to rely on.insyaAllah.

so being sick for the past few days meant that the only thing i did was laying on the bed and exploring myself.
and this time,it struck me.how little i know of myself.very little indeed.

so for many days,quiet evenings on the bed accompanied me and a feeling of remorseful became closer to me than ever.
simply because,i know not myself as how i did before.
in fact,among 7 billion people,i may be the one who knows the least about myself.
and indeed i am aghast by this foreign fact.

so for many days,i tried to get to know myself.that many years of myself that i missed to know.
that many years of myself that i thought i knew.

from there i wondered and pondered.what happened?why is this so?
why did i find myself as a stranger that i know?
and a feeling of unsatisfied with this idea began to consume me.
and through out the process of digesting this,i came across a verse,



"And indeed We created man and We know what his soul whispers within him, and We are nearer to him than even his jugular vein" [Qaf,16]


and then.to all the unsatisfied questions i had,was answered by just a single verse.
a feeling of embarrassment filled me.
how shameful it is to think that i know better.
by the end of it,i am left with nothing but a pseudo stand.
a stand of believing that no one else would know me better except myself.
and after many days of silence,after many days of battling a conversation with my own heart.
i was defeated by the ignorance of my oneself.
and indeed.this time.even i.
stand in the path of not knowing.my own heart.

and that indeed,
taught me really well how arrogant i was in trying to define myself,when the fact is,i am just one of many creations of God,and my duty is to submit not to judge.even to my self.

so to many days of quiet evenings,i learnt.
that organ i thought i owned,that organ i thought i knew, and that organ i thought is the nearest to me.
my heart.

was not mine to own.
was so little that i knew.
and was not as near as God to it.

sometimes we humans forget,and through out living this life,we tend to claim things that aren't ours.things that never were.never are.and never will be.
even that closest thing to me.the thing that defines me.the thing that made me who i am.the thing that is inside of me.covered by MY ribs.sealed by MY skin.which is MY heart.

is NOT even mine.

let alone other things out there.
so imagine how insignificant we have made ourselves.to think that we possess what ever we see.what ever we hear.what ever we speak of.and what ever we FEEL.when the fact is.........

we are nothing but a speck of dust in a wide open air.
if that is so.many days of pondering made me think.....
why is there still a need to boast?

Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me. -Imam Al-Ghazali

Agnes Monica - Karena Ku sanggup

to somebody who will never learn.

David Choi - Won't Even Start - Official Video

What happened after last summer
When we broke up in September

I haven't seen you
Feels like a long time
Sometimes it still hurts
But I always get by

I still got a piece of you under my skin
It's always there no matter where I've been

BRIDGE:
So if I ever see you on the street
I'll pretend that I didn't see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

CHORUS:
Because if I look into your eyes
Then I'll have to say goodbye
And that'll break my heart
So I won't even start
No, I won't even start

I wish you luck
And I wish it true
That's the best
I can do for you

'Cause you'll probably find love
In someone new
I have to let go
Yeah, it's hard to do

So if I run into you with your arm by his side
Just know it'll cut me like a knife

BRIDGE:
So if I ever see you on the street
I'll pretend that I didn't see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

CHORUS:
Because if I look into your eyes
Then I'll have to say goodbye
And that'll break my heart
So I won't even start
No, I won't even start

I'll be okay
I'll be okay- That's what I'll Say

BRIDGE:
So if I ever see you on the street
I'll pretend that I didn't see
And turn my face
No use in small talk anyways

CHORUS:
Because if I look into your eyes
Then I'll have to say goodbye
And that'll break my heart
So I won't even start
No, I won't even start
No, I wont even start

Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/david-choi-lyrics-wont-even-start-52wf4mb#ixzz1TsJ9abXG
LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community

berpura pura itu dusta?

day 98.

is a day i decided to embrace my language.and today i realised.a person can change physically and the humans' eyes can be fooled easily.but God is not a fool.so for what we show physically,His eyes see what we actually are,emotionally.so here.for a quiet 2nd day of Ramadhan,malay words accompanied my keyboard....

apa yang diperlakukan oleh seorang manusia.
cukuplah Allah yang melihatnya.
dusta itu satu dosa.
namun lebih dosa jika dusta dibelakang nama.
atas nama Allah kita berpura-pura.

manusia itu tidak lebih dari seorang hamba.
jadi kenapa perlu lebih kan dunia?
manusia itu senang lupa.
jadi kenapa perlu berbangga?

apa yang ada bukan milik kita.
apa yang ada pinjaman semata.
jadi besihkan anggota dari bersangka.
bahawa dunia untuk selamanya.

manusia.
jangan diikut keinginin sentiasa.
sebab apa yang perlu lebih bermakna.
hanya yang perlu,perlu dibawa.

jadi doa pada Dia.
jadikan diri ini bukan pendusta.
dan bukan pencinta dunia.
yang berpura pura beragama.
sedangkan hati masih hina.

sungguh.
campak tepi segala dunia.
jauh jauh dari pandangan mata.
sebab sungguh
syurga neraka itu ada.
buat pilihan yang nyata sementara adanya masa.

and finally may God protect us from being in the lowest state of a servant.
a disobey servant.
selamat berbuka to all :)

extend it.or lessen it.up to you.

day 97.

is the first day of Ramadhan.
and without actually realising it i received a gift from God today.
a gift of Ramadhan.....

so today.for the first day of Ramadhan.and for the first time.
Ramadhan meant more than
just 30 days of fasting.

it is actually.
30 days of gift.
and if it is a gift.what do you do with it?...
you appreciate it.
and make most out of it.
simply because.you might not get the same gift again for the next years to come.

so today i learnt,we humans can never extend nor lessen that 30 days like how we want it to.
but we can extend the benefit of that 30 days or we could lessen it.
by our intentions and by our actions.during that period we received.
so extend it with beneficial deeds and lesson it not with wasteful sins.

to all.may you enjoy your 29 1/2 of gift from God.
after all.it is a gift.and it is from God.what more could you ask for? :)

D'Masiv - Sudahi Perih ini (Lirik)

and i thought why not listen to random songs today eh.
and this is random indeed.

a dialogue

middle of day 96.

and because its Friday.i decided to write again.

as i was browsing through facebook i found a very interesting dialogue.



and it triggered me.all these whilst.we humans tend to expand our views too much to the extend we became blinded by what is actually in front of us.
yes.its undeniably true that it is our nature to be attracted to everything that is considered nice.things that conform our justification of what beauty is in this world.
but so much so,this nature of wanting more has become the thing that have covered our views.in finding what we actually need.instead of what we actually want.

and this dialogue is just an example of how humans really are.
the first person justified his wants.
when actually what he needs are only two things.

a realisation that he too has not become the person he expects from his partner.
and a feeling of gratefulness because what he has at that moment is a good partner who chose him for who he is.

so i figured if we only aim for what we want in life.we might miss out on the things that we actually need.
and in this case.the guy wants perfection from a girl that he would date.but what he actually needs is a girl who appreciates him for his imperfection.

so today i learnt.that we have no right in this world to justify what is perfection and what is not.because we have not seen the real perfection yet.the perfection of God,Himself.

so stop wanting pseudo perfection of the world.because the thing that is true is when you know how to differentiate the things you want and the things you need.in life.and from there you shall slowly grasp the beauty of it. :)

even a little.it is still sharing.

day 96.

is a dark rainy day.and i have a sudden urge to wake up for no reason.
after a long tiring day of yesterday.i realised i may be amongst the 7 billion that is lucky.
for the simplest reasons.

i have a roof over my head.
i have a comfy bed to lie on.
i have food to feed myself.
i have clothes to cover me.
i have water to clean myself.
i have people to love and to love me back.
i have complete physique to live life.

and most important is...

I have a God.to give me all that.

and after a long walk yesterday.i find myself more lucky than i ever was.because.
there are people out there who doesn't have..

a roof over their heads.
a comfy bed for them to lie on.
food to feed themselves.
clothes to cover themselves.
water to clean themselves.
people to love and love them back.
complete physique to live their lives.

and most important is....

a God like mine to believe in to....

and after all that.there is one thing that could connect having and not having.and that one thing is..
sharing........
and that is why amongst 7 billion.they are people that can be considered lucky and there are people otherwise.and this happens just for one reason.so that for the lucky people.they would know how to share it.and for that opposite they would know how to appreciate it.

and that is why.my God is great.because He gives variation a chance in this world.the variation between lucky and the opposite.and now it depends on us.how to share that luck we're given.and for those who doesn't have it.He gives chance for them to know how to appreciate it.

so yesterday taught me really well what sharing really means.
because what ever we have.we don't own it ultimately.so why possess it as if its ours.
instead share it.as if it means nothing.
because what we have now.is world.and it means nothing if its not carried with good deeds.
and sharing is a good deed indeed.

so next time when you feel lucky.

share your roof.
share your bed.
share your food.
share your clothes.
share your water.
share your love.
share your physical strength..
and...
share your God..

because.a good human.is a human who knows how to share.
and that is a reminder to myself.so that when my luck runs out one day...somebody that is lucky might want to share it with me.




have a Friday day full of sharing people. :)

and the Prophet says...

Bukhari :: Book 1 :: Volume 2 :: Hadith 32
Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "The signs of a hypocrite (munafiq) are three:

1. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.

2. Whenever he promises, he always breaks it (his promise ).

3. If you trust him, he proves to be dishonest. (If you keep something as a trust with him, he will not return it.)"


may Allah protect us from these characters.for it will only bring harm to us and others.
and this i remind to myself everyday.because i am a human and i slipped from time to time.

so today.let this hadith be a reminder to us.for sometimes we didn't even realise that we are what the hadith says.

do we pray.or do we really pray?

day 95.

was an early day.
and as I detached myself from a deep passion towards a deep slumber.
one word appeared.PRAY.

and from there.a question is questioned.

what is actually pray?
we see.we know..that.
some people do it.
some people don't.
and some.do and don't at the same time.

but what does it really mean?
to pray.

shamefully i admit i used to be amongst those who takes only the actions of praying.but not its essence.
and unfortunate of me to have moved my limbs as only a symbol of norm.

that 5 times of actions that we do in a day was treated nothing more than just a custom to a religion.
so among 7 billion people and 3 billion that are Muslims.how many actually really pray?
and from there.where do i stand?

the feeling of unsatisfactory towards how i used to define PRAY.
ignited the curiosity in me.

and so.to redefine PRAY became a mission.
hence.the redefinition begins...

so........................
what is pray?

an escapism from the reality of the world and to the realm of worship?
or.
actions that bring benefits to oneself when nothing else matters?
or.
a way of trying to show a believe in something.something that is God?
or.
a relationship between the worship and the worshipers through the act of physical and emotion?
or.
is it just.a moment in a day.to realise.we do turn to one thing.and that One thing.is God.

so amongst all of that which one is it? and to which point do we consider a pray is a good pray?
because honestly.up until today.from the point i learnt how to pray to my God since i was a child.i have not fully grasped the whole package of praying.i may know the moves well.and i may memorised the words well.but there is always a moment even a split second where my mind slipped and the world became everything again.
so i wonder,how is it possible to tell God.later.
'hey God.i've prayed.and that is my deed in the world' when i know i wasn't praying.i was just moving my limbs.and saying out the words i've memorised.

and from there.i began to wonder.there must be something more to pray rather than just moving our limbs and sacrificing that 5 minutes for 5 times in a day of our lives.there must be.because my God is so special.and everything that we do that involves Him.must be special too.it must.

and i realised.that 5 minutes i took.was not just a moment in life that i took for God to see me worshiping Him.but that 5 minutes i took,was me giving a chance to myself to meet God and saying things to Him in a very special manner.and i thought,if this is a thing i do for myself.a chance that i give to myself.then why don't i make it more then just physical movements? after all isn't it a special thing to get the chance to talk to God?
because everyone can talk to God.but not all 7 billion get the chance to learn and to practice that special manner of talking to God.

and through that.i began to understand that,those moves i learnt.those words i memorised and those times that i took.were more than just moves,words and time.because.

only for that moves.my God will know.that i submit to the fact that these limbs i have.are His.and when i move it.i move it for Him.

only for that words.my God will know.that i can memorise it because He allows me to.and when i speak it out.i'm speaking to Him.

only for that times.my God will know.that i am thankful that He is landing me His time.and when i take that time.i am actually returning it back.to the owner.Him.

so when i pray.i don't just take the time to move and talk.
i was returning the time i've borrowed from Him.moving my limbs that He gave for Him and talking to Him like He is as near as a whisper away.
because.that is what praying is.
so now i know.if i'm borrowing His time.then i must treat it well.and return it like how He has given it to me.in such perfection.
so now i know.if i'm using the things that are not mine to own.my limbs.then i must use it well.so that He knows.that i know.these are not mine.
and
so now i know.if i'm saying those words to Him.a conversation between a servant and a God.then i must say it well.because this is not a regular conversation.this is a special one.

so after all that......
yes.
praying is an escapism from the reality world to the realm of worship.
so next time when you escape.escape fully from the temporary world.and worship completely.to the one that owns the world.

yes.
praying are actions that bring benefits to oneself when nothing else matters.
so next time when you pray.aware that what you do for that moment is for you only.because you are praying to the most Beneficent of all.and He gives benefits to those who prays.

yes.
praying is a way of trying to show a believe in something.something that is God.
so next time when you believe.believe it with your heart.not just your words.because He knows.

yes.
praying is a relationship between the worship and the worshipers through the act of physical and emotion.
so next time when you worship.include both.because your God is just.so act justly to what you're borrowing.

and yes.
praying is a moment in a day.to realise.we do turn to one thing.and that One thing.is God.
so next time when you turn to Him.turn entirely.because He is so great.He listens to all.

and in spite of all that.knowing that.understanding that.why do we yet find it hard to pray?
and why when we do.we still don't?

so the question is now.
do we pray.or do we really pray?

may everyone and including me take that 5 times of today.to pray.
to actually....... really pray.
happy Saturday to all :)

The Pipettes - I Love You

to someone new.somewhere.out there. :)

5 questions of life.

day 94.

is a week without inspiration.
almost like a floating kite in the air traveling without direction.
the air is life.and the kite is me.

many things have changed.but still.everything feels just the same.

what is lost has been found.and what is found has been lost.
and from there.i am back to where i was.

and life is not merely something you can grasp with your physicals.
but it must also be experienced by your emotions.
so to know what i have found and what i have lost.i must experience it first.
and no one did say.experiencing what we don't know is easy.

so from there.day 94 feels almost the same like day 1.
therefore today,i decided to redefine everything again....
redefine life.....again.simply with questions and answers.

and the re-definition starts with.

question 1.
what is life?
if it was day 1.i would say.
life is a chance.
a chance to live.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
life is a gift.
a gift from God.

question 2.
how to live a life?
if it was day 1.i would say.
live the way you want to live it.to the fullest.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
live the way God would want you to live it.to the most beneficial.

question 3.
when does life begin?
if it was day 1.i would say.
it begins the minute you appreciate the world more than anything.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
it begins the minute you appreciate God.more than anything.

question 4.
how does a life end?
if it was day 1.i would say.
it ends with memories that you,yourself made.bad or good.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
it ends with only one reason.a reason to end it as a servant.a good servant.to only one God.

question 5.
where does a life lead to?
if it was day 1.i would say.
a life is leaded by the one who owns it.and we humans decide where we lead it to.

but if it is not day 1.i would say.
a life leads only to one direction.to meet a God.and to be with a God.in a state of one's clean self.

so.for a moment of day 94.i almost answered those questions i asked like how i would answer on day 1.
but this time.many things feel the same.but everything has just changed.

at the end,one thing i realised,what makes day 94 different from day 1.inspite of it feeling the same.is that.
i may have answered day 94 and day 1.the same.but for day 94.i have a different reason behind each answer.
and behind every answer.i have a faith.and behind all that.is a faith towards a God.

so to question 1.
if we treat life as a chance.we tend to abuse that chance.because chance can come countless of times in so many ways.
but if we treat it as a gift.we tend to value it.because a particular gift is not something you can get countless of times in what so ever way.

so to question 2.
if we live life the way we want it to the fullest.it does not mean.we have grasp perfect happiness.because humans are far from being perfect themselves.so how is it possible for them to produce such perfect happiness.
but if we live life the way God wants it,to the most beneficial.then only the Most Beneficient of all.God.Can give the most perfect benefits from all.

so to question 3.
if we begin life with the appreciation towards the world and nothing more.then we will miss out what the hereafter has to offer.
but if we begin life with the appreciation towards God.and only God.then He will offer the world and the hereafter for us to experience the bliss to it all.

so to question 4.
if we end life with just memories.then we are among those who sits and looks at blessedness but never get to experience it.because all we have are just memories.and nothing more.
but if we end life with a reason.to be the best servant to a God.then we are among those who sits.looks.and experiences His blessedness.up until the end.

so to question 5.
if we let ourselves lead this life towards the worldly purposes.then we open it to the path full of flaws.simply because the world is filled with mistakes.
but if we lead it to one ending.with God in the journey and God as the ending.then we open it to the path full of perfection.simply because,God does not make mistakes.

so to the lost reason of life that i have found.and to the found mistakes of life that i have lost.
may the days ahead be clearer than the days before.
and i pray the same for all of you.
Amin.

The Honey Trees - Moon River (The LoFi Sessions)

and all i want to do.is just seat.and wait for the day.because now.i can.

between the heart.and the body.

day 93.
are letters of the heart and the body.

Dear heart,

answer my questions.for what i have now are only questions.and nothing more.

to dear heart,
where have you gone to?
have you lost your way.
because lately i feel you not.

to dear heart,
why are you so empty?
have you nothing to fill it with.
because lately i sense that you are lonely.

to dear heart,
how have you been feeling?
have you left everything.
because lately i feel nothing.

and.

to dear heart,
when will you beat again?
have you forgotten how to.
because lately without you.what is a body?

sincerely,
the body that moves.

the heart replied.

Dear body,

to your questions.I answer.and nothing less.

to dear body,
i am here.but lost.
only because.i lost God's only map.
i lost the words of Quran.

to dear body,
yes.i am empty.
only because.i drain myself from one thing that matters to God.
i drained my faith.

to dear body,
i am unwell.
only because.i left my only healer.
i left my God.

to dear body,
i have stopped beating.
only because.i was beating for the wrong reason.
for the world.and only the world.

sincerely,
the heart that feels.

and today my heart and my body taught me.
to not be lost.keep Quran as the map.
to not be lonely.keep faith as my company.
to not be unwell.keep God as the Healer.
and to not be dead.keep the world as just a world.and nothing more.

to all.may your hearts do not feel lost.lonely.unwell.and dead.

a burning.a path.and a friend.

day 92.

memories burnt.
an open wide path.
and a good friend that remains as a friend.

and after many days of not knowing how to write without including heartache in every word that came out.finally.i think its about time i start to reevaluate my purpose and not dwell in sorrows.because nothing is ever permanent and perfect in this world.and sorrow is too.
so to sorrow that came.you are not permanent.nor are you perfect.so be gone.for you are not any where near to have the perfect invisibility.
so for Tuesday.i detached myself with what is left of the materialistic memories.and at the end of it.words of a true friend became a true admonition to this dear self.

'you,and only you can let it go.for whatever is left inside'

so ask not the world to change.ask yourself to change first.

so from there,in the middle of burning memories and watching it turning to ashes.for what was once just a particle became a particle again.and as the flame grew bigger,i began burning everything that is left inside this flesh.covered by these ribs.sealed by this skin.
of mine.
too.

and at the end of a Tuesday.

memories burnt.
a path is opened wide
and a remaining good friend stood by.

simply because.
those things i burnt.may actually be the thing that would rescue me from the real burning of God.the burning of hell.
simply because.
that opened path.i took.may actually be the path that brings me to the one side that matters.the side of God.
and simply because.
the good friend that remained.i keep.may actually be the one that will put a smile to a face here.and the hereafter.

so to a cleansing Tuesday.bring along those burnt memories together with you.for i promise.there will never be this sort of Tuesday again.
to all.burn what is needed before you forget that there is hell.
to all.walk the right path before you lose your track to the heaven.
and to all.keep close a good company before Satan becomes the only company you have.

a sign of an ending.

day 91.

is a really tough day.
a friend is lost for good.and a surprise was received.

a black neo that drove beside me today made this heart stopped for a moment.
and what i saw is something that i wished i never did.
but hey,God surprises us in so many ways.
and mine is today.

today a black neo that passed by with a stranger i once knew.became a surprise that shall be the sign.
and this time.God is indeed with me.and i should tell myself...what more sign do you seek for?
isn't what is shown enough?and today.a decision is finally made.

a final decision that now i knew.i shall close my heart forever.for this stranger i once knew.
simply because.he will never change.even a little.

so today i learnt.if you pray hard enough for a sign.
God is there to fulfill it.and so happen.mine was today.

and now finally.i have a decision.
and may this be the right one.

so to a Monday that came.may this be the start of something new. :)

decision.

day 90.

is 10 more days before day 100.

and a decision need to be made.and i'm lost in between.
a stranger that i never knew or a stranger that i knew.

which ever it is.they remain as strangers.
and making a life decision is not easy.
but a stranger i knew made it easy by showing the true colour.
and that colour i saw shall not make my day a colourful day ahead.

so a decision need to be made.and i am still not asleep because of that.
and how i wish.life is as easy as riding a bike.
but then again.is riding a bike easy?
now.that i need to know.

so for Sunday that came quite early.i wish i will get some sort of sign.though i know i deserve it not.but hey God surprises you in so many ways.and maybe mine is today :)

war

day 89.

is a day at home.
with nothing else to do but feeling glad that i still have a roof over my head and i can call it home.

yesterday was fun.a chance to be with an old good friend is a blessed.
and in spite of all the differences that we had.one thing remained.we are still friends :)

today as i woke up.i realised that everyone is at war.
yes.WAR.

6 billion people is at war.
a very important war.
a really hard war to win.
a long war indeed.

and this time.
its not a war between humans.
its not a war between extraterrestials.
its not a war between animals.
it is simply.

a war with oneself.

a war of trying to fight the silent transgression of ourselves.
a war of trying to coupe with the never ending ungratefulness of us.
a war of trying to resist the temptation that the world has to serve.
a war of trying to defend the true reason behind our existence.a servant of God.
a war of trying to understand that the world is for us to borrow not to own.
and a war of trying to be a human and nothing more.

and yes.we are at war.everyday.every second.of our being.and some of us.may not even realise it.
but what confused me is that.in spite of a great war that we face for each time we open our eyes,why do we yet seek for other wars to battle in?
isn't a war with ourselves enough for us to battle?
have we already won the nature of transgression,ungratefulness,temptation,false understanding in ourselves that we search for other wars to fight in?
have we fought hard enough with our own war until we have time to create other wars?

so.today.i learnt.that each and everyone of us is at war.a war that is actually worth battling in.a war that is actually worth in the eyes of God.
a war of trying to be a good servant that we should have.
a war of trying to defend our pure souls against the worldly lusts.
a war of trying to digest well that this world is just a pit stop.and nothing more.

so.today.i figured.if we really fight well in this war.we would not even have time to create other wars then what is already within us.
because sometimes.what we need to fight is really something from within.not just what is on the surface.
so lets start winning the war in ourselves first instead of looking of what sort of war that the outside has to offer.
simply because.you are your own self nation.
and if you win your heart,your mind,and your limbs.you are the ruler of your future.

"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perri (Sam Tsui Cover)

and sometimes i use song like this to say what need to be said.because i will be fine afterall.



I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long
Just to feel alright
Remember how to put back
The light in my eyes

I wish I had missed
The first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

my eyes or His?

day 88.

is a day yet i get to live.

an exploration with good friends was done today.and suddenly i feel i am still apart of the city.and i will not trade that for anything.

and a phone call received yesterday's night was not pleasing to the mind nor the heart.
and a closure that is needed is again not achieved.and i am still in the maze of life.

but somehow.not a single tear was dropped though the condition did ask for it.
i am getting stronger bit by bit after all.or maybe i am just getting tired bit by bit.

and these past few days.i feel so far away from God.again.
and i miss Him.i truly do.
and a mistake was done today.
because a wrong question was asked.

where are you God?i asked.

and after awhile a mistake was conceived.
and the shadow of guiltiness covers the arrogance that begins to seep in slowly.

and in a split moment.
a friend's advice crossed my mind.

'God does not leave us.we leave God'.

and ashamed for a moment i was.how could i even think to ask as such.when it is actually me who doesn't know where i truly am in His eyes.

and not Him in my eyes.

and so.today.i feel bad.for having a wrong question to ask.and not having the right answer to give.
simply because.i know not where i stand.
a stand of only a servant.and nothing more.

so dear heart,fix yourself.because you are the only thing i have to show to God when nothing else matters.
may everyone had a better question for a Wednesday that is ending soon.

hey,i am glad :)

day 87.

is a late quite Tuesday morning.

and yesterday was fun.being surrounded with friends gave me a lot more reason that there are still good things left on this earth.
:)

and moving on is now in the list of a neb.and i shall work hard this time because i have not only family and friends behind me,i have God now.and i believe everything happens for a reason.and this time i can see it.and after many words trying to explain that we should be grateful in my last post.i should this time really actually be grateful.because my past shaped my present and determined my future.

and a walk in the mall yesterday made me realise how people take things so lightly.like it matters not.like how i used to be.
and i thought,

Hey,i am glad you left.
Hey,i am glad i was cheated on.
Hey,i am glad i was sad.
Hey,i am glad i took time to heal.
and Hey i am glad you are what you are.

because if it weren't for that.i would still be walking around with sins in the mall.

holding the hand of a guy whom i am not married to.
being in false love with a guy i might no be in love with.
having to bare my skin for a show to a stranger that thinks it should be done.
and having to put my loyalty to a person who is just a servant to a God.

so hey.a walk in the mall helped me to move on to the next level of being grateful.
being grateful that my God gave me pain so that He could protect me.
because after all He is the only Healer and the only Protector.

the one that heals a false love to a veracious one.
and the one that protects a veracious love from the false one

so to lovely Tuesday.lets move towards that road of healing and protecting shall we?

great fullness.

day 86.

is a week ahead.being away made me realise home is where i want to be at.

and a trip to a country reminded me.

that being greatful is the key to enjoy what we have and not be bitter over what we don't.

so through out the journey only one word accompanied me all the way to the ending.

'ungrateful'

yes.ungrateful.that is what we are.silently without us even knowing it.we carry that word without feeling the heavy weight of its consequences.

we carry it as if it is as light as a single feather.

and we parade it as if it worth more than a diamond ring.

a week of journey sadden me,because all i saw was poverty.and nothing more.

but what sadden me even more.is not poverty itself.it is knowing that between poverty we seek wealth and between wealth we seek more.

and at the end.we appreciate not what we get and we long more for what we will never get.

along the journey,i was served with the view of scarcity of life through the windows of the bus that drove along a stretch of line that we can't barely call road.

and one thing came into mind.

i am lucky.

simply because

even though my country...

may not be the world leading nation,

may not have the best government,

may not have the smartest ruler,

may not provide the best health care,

and may not give the best education.

i can still experience a decent stretch of line that i can call road.

and that made me feel lucky.just a stretch of road.

and i realised too,with all the complaints that we give and all the dissatisfaction that we pore with anger.we take not time.to remember what we still have and take a moment to simply say.

Alhamdullilah.

Alhamdullilah.even though we are not a world leading nation.we are still indeed a nation.

and because of that we can still join our hearts to make it even a better one.

Alhamdullilah.even though we may not have the greatest government.we still have a government that cares.but unfortunate of us to not see it because we are too busy being ungrateful almost all the time.

Alhamdullilah.even though we are not blessed with the smartest ruler.we are still given the time to know that the only ruler is One.and He is God.

Alhamdullilah.even though we are not provided with the best health care.we still have God to rely on to.after all isn't He the only One that can remove sickness and befalls it?

and Alhamdullilah.even though we do not have the best education.we still have our brains to differentiate what is right and what is wrong..or maybe we can't any longer?

so with a journey ended.another journey begins.a journey to be a grateful oneself.and to realise.

hey.even when everything is gone.there is still one that will remain.God.

so to everyone.lets start this journey of being grateful because after all it leads to great fullness isn't it? :)

carry.

day 85.

is another Monday now.

and days now pass by like hours...and soon it'll feel like minutes.but still we are in the pseudo chase of time.why so?
a few days before were spent with joy.
and a few days ahead will be spent with joy too.i hope.

and today.a Monday started quite late filled with silence.
and i woke with a less agile mind.

and after a while the word 'carry' came into mind.yes.carry.
of which carry i'm talking about?its the one with the definition of 'to hold or to support'

and if i relate that word with many years of life lived,i would relate it to what,why and how i carry the things in life.

from a word it became a question.

and in the order of what,why and how i answer it.

looking back at how i view life.

the question started with.

what do i carry in life?

maybe everything.but amongst the everything i find not one that is worth a show when life ends.and when God is the only One that is waiting at the end of it.

simply because.i carried nothing that brightens the one thing that is worth a show.iman.

the question goes on.

why do i carry the things i carry in life?

maybe i carry it thinking that this is what i should be carrying...but not knowing that the things i carry worth everything.only to this world.but when it ends.each and everything becomes.nothing.

simply because.i carried everything for the reason of nothing.with the wrong niat'.

and finally.a question ended with.

how do i carry the things i carry in life?

maybe with the wrong way.until to the point,that the lightest thing in life could be the heaviest burden.even until when life itself ends.

simply because.i carried it in the wrong method until it becomes unbearable and soon a waste.

a sinful a'mal.

and what,why and how became more than just a question.

the dimmed light of iman.

the wrong thought of niat'

and the sinful a'mal

are the products of the wrong things to carry in life.for the wrong reason with the wrong way.

so from there i learnt,carry is a big word indeed even with just 4 letters.

because the things that i relate to the word carry itself,determines the ending that i am going to receive.

so i ask myself again.are the things in life i carry now worth the burden that i will bear later?

or should i start leaving things behind so that it'll become light.a light judgement from God when nothing worth more than my,iman,niat' and a'mal.

so Monday is the beginning of many days in making my burden lighter so that when it is God i face.His light judgement will be the one i receive in return.

so people of Monday,why not rethink and repack the things you carry so that it'll be a light journey to a wonderful ending itself.

forgive and forget or is it forget and forgive?

day 84.

is a very early Saturday.and another week has passed by.
and a few more weeks left.and i'll be fine :)
time difference is still an issue.but not a big one.i'll coop with it sooner or later.

and a word of wisdom came from an aunt yesterday.
"whatever it is,vengeance must not be the key to the door of forgiveness"

and looking back at it again.theres a whole lot of truth in it.

and sometimes we humans say we forgive but we don't forget.and that phrase ' don't forget' is the gate to the land full of vengeance.

and i myself particularly fail to practice this forgive and forget.simply because it-is-not-easy.

and ever wonder why it is so?

and this came to mind.

pick a subject.take the book of the subject.memorise it.and you will.
take a week to stop.and try rephrasing it.and you won't be able.
because when you.

picked a subject.
took a book.
memorised it.

you did it spontaneously.linking only your brain cells,utilising only a portion of your brain i call the memory bank.
so its easy to forget because you used your brain and only your brain to do it.

but now instead of just using your brain.link it to your emotion.
and when you do that.be it weeks later.a memory is no longer a memory,it is now a feeling.simply because,you linked your brain to your heart.
and that is when.'forgive and forget' becomes hard.

so from there i learnt.forgive and forget are two different words.but to perform it,it must become one action.
there is no separation between it.you don't divide forgive and forget.because..
you don't forgive when you don't forget.
and you don't forget when you don't forgive.

and i still find it difficult.because the things that you need to forgive are mostly closely linked to your emotion.your HEART.
and anything linked to the heart.is not easy to forget.
so one way that is possible for me to perform this is only by 'un-linking' it.
un-link the events of life that require forgiveness with my heart.so that i can forget it.and then forgive it.

so maybe.just maybe.it is not forgive and forget.maybe it is forget and forgive.
forget it.and then without knowing it you have already forgiven it.
and when those two happened.you'll lock your way to the gate of vengeance and open another gate with a key.
a key of peaceful to the gate of God.

and Friday taught me.all this whilst when i say i forgive.i forget not.
so from this Friday onwards.i must say.i forget.therefore i forgive.

and from today.i shall un-link all those emotions that worth nothing compared to the one emotion towards God.and God will.
forgetting it will be as easy as forgetting those history facts i learnt in high school years ago.
and with that.to forgive will be a lot easier.

so to everyone.let's forget and then forgive.shall we?

Listen to me baby.

Who am I to you and what are you to me?
Lets get something straight amidst this ecstasy

I don't remember buying any ring or saying "I do"
What rights do you have over me and I over you?

The very same rights that my other friends have
We're friends! And not each other's half

Nothing more and nothing less
But if you want more than that then be my guest

But no more of this can I take
The more I love Allah the more of this I hate

The lust of love and the love of lust
I must escape this prison, I must!

My hand is yours for the taking
All I want is Allah's blessing

If we're on the same page, me and you
Ask me the question and I will say "I do"

by Aiman Azlan. a blog i found accidentally while browsing aimlessly. :)

http://www.aimanazlan.com/2009/05/listen-to-me-baby.html

its Friday.isn't it?

day 83.

is a morning.of another day.
and God is still generous nonetheless.
and if you ask me why.
its because of days like this.of being able to be awake.
will i only get the chance to know.
that this is.His way of telling me.
you exist because I exist.
you woke up.because I allowed you to.
and because you are a servant and I am your God.


and today.a Friday morning was greeted with a flue and a slight fever.
but hey.even a pinch of pain is a way to cleanse a sin.
so it's ok.i am well in a state of unwell. :)

so today i shall not know what will become of me.
but lets just pray it'll be a good Friday.won't we?
after all..isn't Friday the king of all days?

and 1 day of half free from a heartache.
a step further from transgressing and a step nearer to understand that i have a God.and His name is Allah :)

to everyone and everything that get to experience Friday.may it be a nice one for you too.

Boys & Girls - A Love Story - Abu Eesa Niamatullah

look for a guy who falls in love not with the skin beneath the clothes but the heart beneath the skin.
-myself-

unwell.

day 82.

is a sick day.
and let it be a way of God to cleanse my sins.

and a deep slumber is not mine anymore to own.
and even when i am asleep i fear.so i decided i would just write.

but hey.God is just.there must be a reason why i am this way.afterall He is the One who heals sicknesses and the One that befalls it.

a friend told me.i need to stop.but how can i stop it if its not mine to own.isn't everything belongs to God?

other people's sins are not mine to bare.but i care of a stranger.because once he was not a stranger.and because once he was not a sinner.and because once i was a fool.and i am still one.

and if somebody ask.no.i am not hiding behind the reason of love towards a person.that love has long gone.but this is just a deep care.that will in the end destroy myself and all the care in the world that i carry for a stranger all this whilst.

a friend told me.i need to stop.but how friend? how can i stop from being ill and being mistreated.i don't own the world.i don't own the hearts of His creations nor the limbs.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i am not fine.and have not been fine since 4 years ago.for every 1460 days.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.this isn't about love.this is about betrayal and mistreatment.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i am still young.but a young heart can get hurt too.can it?

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i am a servant.and i deserve what ever test that i am being put through.be it years before.or years to come.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i do not deserve to be fooled and cheated if all i give is honesty and loyalty.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i just can't see the bad nature of a stranger.and maybe i will never do.and that is a reason why i am always being fooled.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i still pray for a stranger.simply because God loves those who cherishes His creations.no matter what you get in return.only He can give the best gift and no one else.afterall He is God.

so for a sick day ..i might just quit caring.but that doesn't mean i will be well.but i'll try.
so cheer up Neb.don't let 4 years behind take another of your 4 years ahead.
if you are served with betrayal.return it with layolty
if you are served with mistreatment.return it with respect.
if you are served with lies.return it with honesty.
and if you are served with hatred and slander.return it with a belief in God.

so dear self,

please be fine.put a smile.not just on the face.because a shattered heart can still smile if God will.
please be fine.put a strength in your limbs.because a strong person persevere if God will.
please be fine.because you are a human.and you need to.
and because losing a stranger that cherish you not and love you not.is not a waste.its a gift.from God.because He is saving you for a special someone.in His own ways and terms :)



and this is a song from a friend back in college.and this makes me think that i'll be fine.maybe not now.but someday.

penat.

day 81.

is half of the day in the hospital.

well maybe a quarter.and now.my body is tired,my mind is all over the place.and my heart is healing.

i need a break.

and its ok.God will give me one soon. :)

and now im too tired to type.too ill hearted to care.
and i shall try again tomorrow.

Wednesday..why must you be hard......

high and low.

day 80.

one matter is settled.and now i owned a number.

tired of waiting.but at least i was out of the house and get to see the world.well part of it.
and today.i saw many types of people as i was waiting inside a crowded mall.and one thing i realised is that
the lower the position you have in a society the more easy it is for you to lower yourself to God.

and as time passed by.only those who wears not jewellery and not expensive cloths enters the prayer room.but those who carries expensive shopping bags with expensive looks on their faces didn't even turn to look for a sign to the prayer room.and i stood there for hours looking.and wondering.and realising.maybe.just maybe.i was amongst those people who carries the worldly objects that becomes the reason for me not to lower myself to the One who owns all the wealth of the world.God.

and as i stood there.i feel the shame of seeing the past reflection of myself.walking around.being busy.carrying all those things that i see as valuable but never once did i stop and take time to realise that it is time for my prayers,that it is time to say my thanks to God to even let me experience His sustenance.

and today.in the middle of the busy milieu of the mall.i realised the ones that take time to remember God are the ones that receive not wealth.whereas the ones that were given wealth take time to spend it like theres no tomorrow until they burden themselves too much to even say...'thank you God'..unfortunate of me for once had been amongst the people who forgets.but fortunate of me for having a God that opens my eyes to see and giving me limbs to change my actions.

so for today.i learnt.that the better you are in lowering yourself to God the higher you are in His eyes.
so for today.i learnt.having money does not assure that you can buy your way to Heaven.if you use it not on His path.
so for today.that long hours of waiting.taught me not to be like who i used to be.

if God has opened my eyes.why should i blind it?
if God has given me limbs.why should i not move it for Him?

so Tuesday was like that.
to all,may you experience a good version of Tuesday too :)

Julia Sheer - You Will Never Be

and i shall not care anymore for someone who does not.truly. :)

onwards.

almost the ending of day 79.

and i woke up with a massive headache.
and from now onwards my day starts from 2pm onwards.simply because.my brain works as such now.

and a day that starts bitter will not end bitter.
because a friend is back and a thousand more awaits. :)

so to dear self.
God took one.and He'll return it with a thousand more good ones.
so La Tahzan dear self.
your day should be filled with joy from today.because a friend promised.and a God is there.

and this is just too cute :)

bitter.

day 79.

starts with bitter words.
and if this is a test from God then i must not run.

i guess its true when people say no one can stop God's sustenance.Be it.He says.
and if bitter words are the early servings to me then i guess my sustenance is the patience from all of it.

and early today.may i be patient.
with all the slanders thrown.simply because.God is enough as my only protector.

and early today.bitter words may start my day.
but bitter heart is kept far and far away.

so hey,to all the people that is about to start your Monday.
be it hell you start it from,everything comes from God.and everything He does is full of wisdom.
so put trust on Him.and He'll show you the wisdom.

because bitter words don't last.but God does.

so for today.trust is the key to start a Monday.
but not to His creations.but to Him.
may i not stray too far.and may my heart is not filled with vengeance and envy.
because my God is pure.and the only way for me to face Him is with pure heart.

just.

day 78.

has not end.yet.

i can't sleep.and i can't even pretend to sleep.

if you have headache.you have panadol.
if you have stomach ache.you have ginger ale.
but.if you have heartache.what do you use?

these past few days were filled with laughter and smile.
and i thought that would be enough.
but nonetheless.i am still in pain.

wounds heal.but scars don't.
and it seems

only when this
mouth speak of His name.

only when this
mind think of Him.

only when this
heart feels Him.

will i only feel the presence of peace.

and unfortunately.

this mouth,does not speak of Him.
this mind,does not think of Him.
and this heart,does not feel Him.

and unfortunately.i feel not the presence of peace.
and therefore.i am still not asleep.
because i allow pain to feel me.but not the wisdom behind the pain.and the beauty of the pain.

late today,a wise lady told me,
patience is accompanied with pain.
and that is how God tests us and at the same time rewards us.

test us with the pain.and reward us with the patience.
Subhannallah. He is indeed just.

so be patient Neb.for that is your reward for your test of being in pain.
afterall...He is just.isnt't He.

bahasa Melayu

hari 78.

bahasa Melayu yang sangat dirindui.

hujan.perbezaan masa.dan sifat azali yang malas.
membuatkan hari 78 dipenuhi dengan tidur.

mungkin ada sebab mengapa.mungkin juga ada hikmah disebalik tidur yang panjang.
mungkin kerana tidur yang panjang itulah mengelak diri dari melakukan dosa yang tak perlu.
dan mungkin kerana tidur yang panjang itulah mengelak hati dari sakit yang tak dimahukan.

jadi.terima kasih Tuhan.kerana benarkan roh ini diambil sebentar.
dan kini.mata sudah dibuka.dan hati boleh merasa.

maka separuh dipenuhi dengan perasaan tidak selesa dan separuh lagi kerana rasa menyesal dengan perasaan yang tidak selesa itu.

maka hari ini.
hujan.
perbezaan masa.
dan sifat azali yang pemalas.

harus didefinisikan dengan cara yang lain.

hujan sebagai rahmat.saat segala doa di tunaikan.
perbezaan masa adalah punca menyebabkan manusia mensyukuri siang dan malam.kerana itu juga adalah nikmat.
dan sifat azali yang malas harus ditukar.kerana manusia dicipta dengan sifat.namun diberi peluang untuk memilih sifat mana yang terbaik untuk diri.

dan itu.adalah hari yang singkat untuk seorang Neb.
dan satu hari lagi untuk seorang Neb sedar tidur dan celik itu.ade hikmah nya.

pause.

day 77.

is a day full of laughter.with two old friends. :)

and today i realised.life is good.simply because God is there.

and He gave me wonderful people for me to love and to love me back.

and that is a realisation that only now i come to understand.

so for today.only a simple lesson is learnt.

appreciate what you have instead of looking everywhere for what you don't have.

so today.i take the time God has spared me to appreciate happiness instead of hunting it.

because happiness is not to be chased but to be embraced.

so to many days wasted of chasing happiness.i shall make the traffic lights go red.because it is time to stop.
and appreciate the halt.

so today people. are you still chasing?or have you take time to stop.pause.and relax ? :)

a piece of flesh.

end of day 76.

and the warm weather does not bother me at all.
at times.

today.was a relax day.because today i did nothing but relaxing.
i don't feel like going out.not just yet. :)

so i predict.tomorrow shall be another relaxing day.
in other words.it does not take a psychic to know.that i will again be lazy.

so a talk with a friend cleared everything.and he promised that everything will be fine.and i shall trust him this time.
because it seems.i have nothing else to put my trust on besides God and a friend.

and today..as i was relaxing.in other words lazying around.i found a nice phrase from a book written by an author and spoken by a Prophet pbuh.

"...Indeed there is in the body a piece of flesh which if it is sound then the whole body is sound,and if it is corrupt then the whole body is corrupt.Indeed it is the heart"

i have known of this phrase before,but not until today i finally understood what it means.
and today became a day full of questions and answers.

the first question that came into mind is.

what is actually heart?
i spent years in school learning that it is that particular flesh situated above the left side of diaphragm just below the left chest.
and it pumps blood to keep a Neb alive.and it is the medium for us to refer to things related to emotions.

but a second question came.

if it is there,then why do most of us when asked,when we experience anger,sadness or joy, why is it we don't feel those emotions at that particular spot?why is it different each time? and that is a question i still haven't found the answer.

another question came into mind.

a heart that pumps blood can affect the whole system of the body.and that is true.scientifically.
but if a heart is also used as a medium for us to experience emotions,we can say,sadness can make us sick and joy can make us healthy.and if we switch it around.sadness can make us healthy and joy can make us sick.how so?

now from there.i realised.
like how i used to see things.only at its surface and never deeper.shame.

i came to understand that.the logic of science can explain just a fraction of the wonders of heart.but the rest is explained through the understanding of the belief in God.

well basically,yes.a heart can give effects to the body.physically.in terms of science.but a heart can also give emotional effects which is then translated physically.causes of actions.

and from here.i answered my questions.with one anwer.it is the emotions felt by the heart that determines the outcome of one's conditions.

sick or healthy.
sad or joy.
corrupt or pure.
agitation or peace.
dirty or clean.

so today.it is our emotions that we feel control the outcome of what our conditions are.
and how we define that particular emotion.

a joy can be healthy and a sadness can be sickening.
but God is fair.both can be switched.
a joy can be sickening and a sadness can be healthy.

again.depending on how we DEFINE it.

when we choose sadness as our emotion.did we choose it for the right reason?did we define it based on the right cause?
because.from here i realised.when I'm sad over the matters of the world.i become even more sad.leading to unrewarding actions.and this is the point where i see sadness as sickness.

and different when i get sad over my countless bad behaviours to God.and sad over all the disappointments that lead myself astray from God.the more i feel it.the more i think about it.the more peaceful i get.and somehow with a thousand words i still could not explain it.and that is how I see sadness that leads to healthiness.healthiness of soul,mind and body.

again.

when we choose joy as our emotion.did we base it on the right cause?or did we say our thanks to the right One? because from here i realised.when im in the state of joy,i tend to forget God even more.and that joy vanished into thin air the minute that i thought it came not from God but from the things of the world.and from there.it simply became pseudo joy.and there lies sickness behind it.

and different when i experience joy towards God's sustenances and remind myself that it is from Him those things came from.i experience more joy.a joy that i could not again explain by words.

and today this is how i view the meaning of

"...Indeed there is in the body a piece of flesh which if it is sound then the whole body is sound,and if it is corrupt then the whole body is corrupt.Indeed it is the heart"

the flesh as the emotion that we feel and the right definition of it and the body as the result of the actions we took and we felt from the emotion itself.

so when the flesh controls the body,the emotion controls the action.
and the action determines where we stand at the end.by the side of God or million light years away from Him.

so today.that was Wednesday.a few questions asked.and some are answered.
but now i know.to be able to feel is our nature.but to be able to control what we feel determines what we are.
simply healthy.or simply sick.

so i pray today.may you all have lead a healthy Wednesday and may it be even healthier for tomorrow. :)

NeverShoutNever - Your Biggest Fan - Lyrics

day 76.

is a song.and will remain as one.

and i was that fan.but not anymore.

never ending.

day 75.

is a tiring never ending day.

patience is very much needed at this moment for i have none.

soon dear self.soon.and a deep slumber will be yours.

being across the world.hopping from one continent to another made me realise.theres no other place i would rather be than in the arms of a mother.

and not even half of the way.i have already missed a friend.
and not even half of the way.i have already kept God so far away.

shame.

so this post is a note to self.so that at the end of this never ending day.i shall read it again.and i shall keep in mind.

nothing lasts.
even a miss.it will soon go away.because a friend remains a friend even seas apart.

nothing lasts.
even a moment of away.because God's will,He will not keep me so far away for so long.

so for a never ending day of the 75th,
i learnt,all i have to do is have faith.

have faith in friendship of one friend.
and have faith in one God,Allah.

so people,may you have a less tiring never ending day today.

a choice not to escape.

day 74

is many days after 73.

one journey has ended today.and another journey will soon begin.

i have been away.being from one place to another is indeed tiring.but it was all worth it.

many days of being away helped a lot.in amending this broken self.

so a journey that was planned as an escape became a journey for me to discover that life is not all about escaping.
its about choosing which part of life that you should face.and which you should leave behind.

and many days of silence.taught me well.that i have been trying to escape some part of life so bad that i took not the time to realise i must not escape.i just have to choose.

and after long long days of not trying to be near God,He is still amazing.simply because.His generosity of letting me to choose gives me chance to realise that He gave me a life not for me to run from.but to choose which is the right one.

and now.i choose.

i choose to understand.all this whilst.i have been wanting the wrong things and i have been needing the right things in life.
so now.what i need more is needing instead of wanting.

so thank you God.even though i thought of You so little these past few days.again.You are still your generous self nonetheless.

so now.

in spite of all the problems we are being faced with.all we need to do is.to choose.not to escape.

choose on how to handle it.
choose on how to accept it.

instead of

finding a way to escape.
finding a reason to escape.

and to a problem of mine that is solved.

i chose to need more than to want.
and i find not a way or a reason to escape.

because a life is given not for us to escape.but for us to make decisions on how we want to shape it.
so shape it wisely for it may be the key to a better version of what life should be when the end comes.

so finally.towards ending a journey.
i realised.
to a problem i face.

i have been wanting a wrong guy instead of needing the right guy.

so to the wrong guy that i want.
may you find your way in choosing life instead of escaping it.

and to the right guy i need.
may you have chosen the right life.for i am waiting at the other end.

so people,may you have the chance to choose not to escape.because life is lived once.fill it with great choices instead of great escapes.

stalk.

day 73

is two days ahead of day 72.

being surrounded by familiar faces makes me want to ignore the cyber world.and today i shall ignore it even better.

so for two days of being 'uncybernised' i find a better version of what a day should be,instead of getting on the web and looking at other people's life.

yes.i am referring to how we spend hours on the internet spending God's time like its ours to own inspecting the way people
lead their lives.but unfortunately through out the process of doing so,a little goodness is taken out of it and a whole lot of banefulness are gained.

and shamefully i am among of those who treats time like it shall for ever be mine and spend it like how i like it.and mostly wasting it.

so for two days that has passed i learnt that.i pay too much time knowing about other people's life and along the way i managed my life wrongly.and i blame myself 99% of it and 1% on the fact of how easy it is to view other people's life on a thing i call the WEB.yes.the thing we love most.the social network.

and sadly after knowing this,i realised we did it not to lessen the distance of humans' relationship,but we did it to create a much bigger gap between us.spreading rumours,creating gossips,training ourselves to be overly judgemental on each matter of other people's, and the most obvious,the pursue in the matters of straw.

and indeed.that 99% attitude of mine is the motivation that moved my limbs,and that 1% becomes the path that lead me to it.
and i realised now,we spend more time evaluating other people's life and we used not 24 hours given a day,30 days given a month,12 months given a year and many years given in a life to evaluate ourselves.instead.

so two days that has passed..made me realised...i have been stalking the wrong things in life.i have been stalking the creations of Him instead of the creator Himself.

and today.my problem is.i do not stalk God well enough and as much as i stalk His creations.simply because i wronged myself.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why am i at this position.and maybe why too 6 billion others out there.
a position of wanting to know more about His creations rather than the Creator himself.whilst it is Him who gave me the time,the energy and the resources to use it wisely.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why do i get so eager to get to know His creations..but never Him.
so eager to include humans in my life.but never God.whilst it is Him who created me.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why do i even spend seconds,minutes and hours to get to know someone's sins when i have mine to clear.
so caught up in judging when i know i am being judged by God at the very same time.

so for two days that has passed.

i answered it with a regret.and i answered it with a hope.
a regret of being amongst those who pays attention not to God but to the things that will bring me further from His paradise.
a hope that things will change.and i shall one day stalk God more.

so people.for today.i shall lessen my attention to the world.and realise i MUST realise.so.have you today?

a final letter to a stranger.

day 72.

is a letter to a stranger that i used to know.

dear stranger,

let my hopes and my prayers be with you.
not because i still want to adore you,but because i am a servant who cares.and so are you.

so to a stranger,

may you find your way to God.
may you find your faith towards God.
may you find your peace with God.
may you find your salah for God.
may you find your akhlak that you cherish not.
may you find your adb that you've left.
may you find your loyalty that you sold.
may you find your honesty that you neglected.
may you find your light that vanished.
may you find your health that you forsaken.
may you find your modest in your arrogance.
may you find your repents in your sins.
may you find your courage whilst you're frightened.
may you find your love that you seek for.
and finally....

to a stranger.may you find yourself that you've lost.

simply because.i want to see you happy.regardless how mistreated i felt.
simply because.i seek forgiveness from God.therefore i must spare you forgiveness too.

a final letter.with God's permission.let this letter find you.so that you can find yourself again.
a final letter.with God's permission.let this letter be the last.so your name will no longer be spoken by my mouth and be felt by my heart.
simply because.those are my final prayers.Amin.

6 letters word.

day 71.

is yesterday and today.

an exam was done.i accomplished an effort and now i let God decide whether i have accomplished in marks.

a prayer was answered late yesterday.funny how i have asked for it relentlessly but when i get the response.i didn't even see it as one.

so now.if one particular stranger ask.i shall say.God narrowed the path for me in helping you for a reason.simply because.ask help from Him.because if its not Him.no one else can help you.

anyway.i meant to write something yesterday.but the energy of doing so was used up during the exam and the long walk in town.
so thank you God for lending me another Wednesday to write.

so a word came across a mind.my mind.as i was on my way to school.

SETTLE.

yes.a word with 6 letters in it.

we-settle-too-soon-and-for-too-little.

and i say that putting myself as reference.

i-settle-too-soon-and-for-too-little.

for almost everything that has God in it.

yes i do.

i settle with just being a muslim.but not a good one.
i settle with just having a God.but not to worship.
i settle with just being innocent.but not nice.
i settle with just being a human.but not a servant.

all my life.i aim to be the best.in almost everything.except one thing.to be the best servant to Him.

and why so?

one word with 6 letters in it answers it all.

SETTLE.

yes.
i settle for what i am now.JUST a muslim.but not a good one.
i settle for the way i worship God.JUST merely.
i settle for how i treat my self and others.nothing more than JUST below nice.
and i settle for what i thought i was created for.a human who claims herself not a servant to God.

so that is my problem.and maybe that is the problem of 6 billion others out there.why do we settle too soon for too little?

thinking yes.
5 times of prayers are enough.
30 days of fasting should be alright.
1 second of God in mind is ok.
and many months of life thinking its us to own is valid.

whereas.
God gives
24 hours a day for us to pray as much as we could.
360 days to fast (women no included.and yes.i am a woman)
86 400 seconds a day to have Him in mind
and all 12 months of every year knowing its Him who owns it.

but again we failed. i failed.why? because we put the word settle in our vocabulary in the wrong sentence.

we just don't SETTLE when it comes to the adoration of God.
we STRIVE more.simply because.we are servants and nothing more.

so.that was my Tuesday and Wednesday altogether.
so people.did you put the word settle in the right sentence for yesterday and today?
if not.refresh our vocabs. and reboot our faiths.