You are nearer to me than i am.

day 99.

is.
days without writing for i have not been well.
but will soon be fine.for i have a God to rely on.insyaAllah.

so being sick for the past few days meant that the only thing i did was laying on the bed and exploring myself.
and this time,it struck me.how little i know of myself.very little indeed.

so for many days,quiet evenings on the bed accompanied me and a feeling of remorseful became closer to me than ever.
simply because,i know not myself as how i did before.
in fact,among 7 billion people,i may be the one who knows the least about myself.
and indeed i am aghast by this foreign fact.

so for many days,i tried to get to know myself.that many years of myself that i missed to know.
that many years of myself that i thought i knew.

from there i wondered and pondered.what happened?why is this so?
why did i find myself as a stranger that i know?
and a feeling of unsatisfied with this idea began to consume me.
and through out the process of digesting this,i came across a verse,



"And indeed We created man and We know what his soul whispers within him, and We are nearer to him than even his jugular vein" [Qaf,16]


and then.to all the unsatisfied questions i had,was answered by just a single verse.
a feeling of embarrassment filled me.
how shameful it is to think that i know better.
by the end of it,i am left with nothing but a pseudo stand.
a stand of believing that no one else would know me better except myself.
and after many days of silence,after many days of battling a conversation with my own heart.
i was defeated by the ignorance of my oneself.
and indeed.this time.even i.
stand in the path of not knowing.my own heart.

and that indeed,
taught me really well how arrogant i was in trying to define myself,when the fact is,i am just one of many creations of God,and my duty is to submit not to judge.even to my self.

so to many days of quiet evenings,i learnt.
that organ i thought i owned,that organ i thought i knew, and that organ i thought is the nearest to me.
my heart.

was not mine to own.
was so little that i knew.
and was not as near as God to it.

sometimes we humans forget,and through out living this life,we tend to claim things that aren't ours.things that never were.never are.and never will be.
even that closest thing to me.the thing that defines me.the thing that made me who i am.the thing that is inside of me.covered by MY ribs.sealed by MY skin.which is MY heart.

is NOT even mine.

let alone other things out there.
so imagine how insignificant we have made ourselves.to think that we possess what ever we see.what ever we hear.what ever we speak of.and what ever we FEEL.when the fact is.........

we are nothing but a speck of dust in a wide open air.
if that is so.many days of pondering made me think.....
why is there still a need to boast?

Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me. -Imam Al-Ghazali