knock.knock.anybody home?

another  past came knocking at my door today.
i wanted to rant on it at first,
but then, i realised.
why should i?
when i have already planned such a beautiful future ahead.
why ruin it with a rotten past that brings no alluring benefits.

came across verses in the Quran today.
from a beautiful surah An Nisa' .
was hoping for some guidance.
whether to dismiss the matter in total.
or to react to a slander that befalls.

and Allah knows my heart well.
truly.

Sahih International

And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself but then seeks forgiveness of Allah will find Allah Forgiving and Merciful.

Sahih International

And whoever commits a sin only earns it against himself. And Allah is ever Knowing and Wise.

Sahih International

But whoever earns an offense or a sin and then blames it on an innocent [person] has taken upon himself a slander and manifest sin.

Sahih International

And if it was not for the favor of Allah upon you, [O Muhammad], and His mercy, a group of them would have determined to mislead you. But they do not mislead except themselves, and they will not harm you at all. And Allah has revealed to you the Book and wisdom and has taught you that which you did not know. And ever has the favor of Allah upon you been great.

such profound verses indeed.
and as i was reading it.
i was given the chance to view it from two behalves.
the one being slandered. and the one slandering.

and like killing two birds with one stone ( i don't really fancy this proverb. kesian burung tu. but this is the closest i can get to what i mean. maybe next time i should just say. like feeding two birds with one corn.oh well. back to the topic neb)
i managed to understand two completely different things.

one.
the mercy of Allah.
and the other one.
the mercy of Allah.

yes. two completely different things of the same nature.

the first bit is.

how merciful Allah is in verse 110 .
the mercy towards those who sins.
in spite of the continuous sinning of (slandering in this matter).
He forgives still.
just as long as we understand the concept of apologising.
and it dawned on me.
that .
if i ever were to err.
it would be a lot easier to seek forgiveness to the Most Merciful.
Such compassion He has surpasses all.
and i am glad to be given such hope.
and it taught me to be compassionate to others too.
if Allah can forgive.
how can i not?
and indeed if i have sinned.
to those of His creations.
may He find an opening in the heart of all His creatures to give way for my apologies.
for indeed it is a loss for me to not reflect on others mistakes and review my mistakes too.
sometimes in life.
even if it is not our fault.
probably.
at one point in life.
we erred subconsciously.
and Allah brought upon another completely different matter.
for us to understand the value of sinning and forgiving.

the second bit that i learnt.
from the verses 111 and 112.
from the eyes of the one being slandered.
Allah is ever so merciful.
He gave such great comfort in the worst of situation.
it's like a way of giving a gentle reminder.
that.
it's alright if you are being ill treated by another.
because Allah knows.
and He knows well.
that those who commit sins will only earn it against himself.
and those.that blame others for their own transgressions.
will only bring himself further from the doors of heaven.
in a way.
i am comforted with the idea of knowing.
it is enough if my Lord knows it.
and it is enlightening enough to know that when ever someone wrongs us.
it gives us a chance to perfect ourselves even more.
because through others mistakes will we learn our own.

and the final bit of the verse 113.
is knowing the fact that.
Allah is such a great protector in accordance to His nature of being Merciful.
no one shall harm you without Allah granting it.
and no one can keep you astray if Allah doesn't intend that for you.

ah. . .
the best bit of facing such odd adversities in life.
is that.
Allah becomes the best soother of the unsought feeling.

and so.
to end a day of a revisited past.
may Allah protect me from becoming those who slander and blame others for it in the future.
and may Allah protect me from such great slandering from those who yearn to slander.


oh dear past.
let us both.
have Allah to fear.
for He is indeed near.

i have a wonderful future to look for.
less than a month.
to be exact.
i don't ever consider being consumed by the past i used to know as something attractive.ever.

indeed.
great men.
advice.
and the weak.

slander.

insyaAllah.

may Allah grant us all Jannah :)

superman

off you go 20ft of steel.off you go. 

and so.of crack knuckles and muscular biceps.

i am now a bionic woman. 

seriously.

its not easy to simply fill a  fairly huge space with boxes.

but Alhamdullilah. with the might Allah gave to all of us today.

just in 2 hours.

khalas! 

now.

time to get some man muscles to unload it back later in Malaysia.

pengsan. 

maybe it is really a point in life where i should really ponder.

i have to be less self -sufficient next time.

A LOT LESSER.

or.

i could just marry superman.

either way. 

he-he

terminal 3

and . . . .
it feels like home again.

to days of good food and lovely company.

never knew how lovely it is to just have your parents around.

its the middle of the day now.
and they are sleeping.
but i don't mind.
as long as i can in silence still hear their breathing.
that should be sufficient enough! :)

so last night was an utter horror.
i have never realised how hard it is to actually rely much on public transports.
it was unfortunate that the tire of a friend's car was punctured.
oh dear friend. how i feel extremely apologetic  for causing you the trouble.
may Allah reward you abundantly! 
khalas!
insyaAllah.
there is hikmah in everything.
and indeed there was.

and Alhamdullilah.
in spite of being 2 hours late in picking them up.
i managed to actually compose myself well. ( well  meaning.i did not scream.cry like a mad woman.or did i roll on the floor  .hehe)
but yes. i did cry a bit. ( classic cry-baby.boooo)

and an hour train ride never have felt so long.
but all those worries.and guilt.and panic.
gone.
the moment i saw those two familiar faces.
oh.Alhamdullillah.

and during that long.long.long ride.
i managed to self reflect myself of one thing.
the quality of husnuzon towards Allah.
besides being all worried for being late and for causing trouble.
i was more afraid of being in a state where i blame Allah for it all.

and it came to me.
how at times.
without us realising it.
just for that few seconds of being consumed by anger or disappointment.we could easily blame Allah for it all.even for a second.
and last night.
whilst seating in the train alone.closer to midnight.
i was praying really hard.
that my heart didn't just flip.even for a second.
and manifest that wretched emotion towards Allah.
oh. what a great loss would it be if i did.

and Alhamdullilah .
He protected me from it.
and blessed me still with such patient parents who waited and waited.and waited still.
for their ever so clumsy daughter.
to run across from one terminal to the next.
looking for a big hug in the coldest night.

oh.how lovely Allah is.
He let me taste the sour fruit.
so that i understand what sweetness means. 

and the most amusing bit of all.
in spite of being tired and jet lagged.
they managed to have the chance to take a peek of that one stranger that i have come to known.
and how nice it is.
when a father tells his daughter.

'he looks intelligent and nice adik. i pray it'll work well for you.'

for now.
approved!

yeay!
he-he

housewife-day

there is a certain kind of warmth. of knowing that everyone else around you is chasing for the love of God too.
and there is no amount of gratefulness to utter to a God for letting you to be amongst those creations.
Alhamdullilah.
and to a friend.
may you find your way to a way of loving God all the way.
insyaAllah.

so.
today.
is a good day at home.
feeling a little bit of a housewife for a second.

and now that i am done with cooking.and baking.

and even hoovering the house more than many times.

all i have to do now is wait.
for that 2 lovely people to come.

oh. how i love the idea of having a mother and a father in the same continent.
just few more hours.
and i shall embrace that long hug of a year wait.

fasobirun jameel neb.

i miss being pampered.
yes. i am my parents' daughter.
very much indeed.

and somehow.
today.
i feel a sudden miss.
of what or who.
i am not sure.

but whatever it is.
it feels good for a moment.

and so.
to everyone.and everything.

i miss you.

TAKE UP THE CHALLENGE

may you focus for ramadhan

:)

and i have been fortunate.

to have known people.

for me to love as such.

the ones that never fail.

to remind me of the greater love of Allah.

oh.how in love i am with everyone.

Alhamdullilah.

bonfire.

i think there's beauty in resisting.

and today i learnt that.

sometimes.

what is good for us is what we resist the most.

a bonfire would keep us warm.

in the coldest night.

but if stood too near.

too much of a heat.

will burn the skin.

still.

and in resisting.

in keeping a moderate distance.

i am reminded of the best advice from the most beloved of a guy.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately. . .Always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course, whereby you will reach your target (of paradise)." - Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 8, Hadith 470 

in moderation.

just for everything in life.

and if it is Paradise that i long to return to.

must i remember.

it is always best to keep just the right distance.

with a lighted bonfire.

because.

no matter how nice.

the warmth is. 

it still burns. 

ah. how i miss Rasulullah.

:) 

on another note.

Sunday would be a really lovely day.

waiting in anticipation for that two lovely people to come.

a mother.and a father.

ah. this one whole month of waiting won't be dull with them around.

probably this would be the last trip i would have with them.just. the 3 of us.

probably.

a daughter.

and her two lovely parents. 

i'll be sure to treasure this well. 

and another thing is coming. 

the one i have been waiting.

something.

in liking of the heart.

that one thing i have been missing.

my Ramadhan. 

oh. may Allah grant me  the pleasure.

to be with him.

just for another month.

just me.

and Ramadhan.

insyaAllah.

tak sabarnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 

my first kiss.

no matter what happens.
there will always be this one guy.
who has been in love with me for many years.
who have known  me in every angle.
possibly the only one who could love me still.
for just me.

no matter what happens.
there will always be this one guy.
who stood by me.
in all adversities.
he cringes his teeth.when a drop of my tear shed.
became angry at the world if it makes me upset.
he stood by my side.
when nobody did.
and told me i am beautiful.
though in my most crooked.he will say .still.

no matter what happens.
there will always be this one guy.
long before i know what love is.
he had loved me first.
with nothing to spare.
none but his care.
at all times.
he will be there.
for all my smiles and my despairs.

no matter what happens.
there will always be this one guy.
that even if another guy comes and take me away one day.
he will still be the first that i would say.

to.
i love you.















ayah.

selamat hari berayah. ayah.

to the guy. who had the first honour.
to kiss the cheek of his last daughter.

he-he.

p/s : yes. i am my father's daughter. and yes.he is not easy to impress. but hey.once he cares.HE REALLY CARES. :)

the loudest silence.

you know that feeling where you have so many things to tell.
and you end up not telling anything.

well.ya.
that happened to me just now.
when after months of not talking to that one friend i used to tell almost everything to.

and this morning we finally had the opportunity to talk.
and instead of actually talking.

we kept quite.
and that was simply the best conversation at this moment.
just what i need.


to know that two people are actually going through the same thing.
but of different reason.

and for a person like me.
who gets really uncomfortable of dead silence.
especially when i am surrounded by other people.
it somehow felt just right.
just what we both needed.

a company in silence.

and it's good to know.
i will always have that person .
where i can just be quite with.
my reserved self.

oh how i have missed it.

i don't need to share anything.
neither do the person.
yet.
we can both relate.
and silence became the words of our conversation.
i guess that's what happens
when you really know a person inside and outside.

and indeed .
i have reached that level of comfort.
even in the most dead silence.
with that one friend.

thank you bud.
you have always been a good friend.
may your depression end soon.
and may i have the courage to get out from my duvet.
and open the blinds.

and yes. if not because of my orchestrated tummy.
i would not have realised.
i haven't had anything to eat.
since yesterday afternoon.

oh gosh.
this is not good.

oh well.
i'll find something to eat later.

as for now.
let us all.
enjoy the silence.

:)

of the sky and the ground.

woke up with a sore heart.

spent the entire night.deleting all the old albums. 

no . not because i  simply dislike what i saw .

but because i don't think i have to associate myself with it again.

and so. another folder was deleted.

slowly.but surely.

and i should have known. 

not everyone is the same.

sometimes.

just because you come from a certain background ,being involved in a certain milieu .it does not imply that you are entirely of what your surrounding is.

because Allah created every single human differently.

and everyone holds their own book. 

everything has been written.

we humans are given options.

somehow its not the options that matters.

its how you decide in choosing which option. 

you should go for. for a future.

and in the midst of trying to remember who i was or who i wasn't

i became very judge mental towards myself.

though.they are some bits of the past that i refuse to adore.

i should have known better that it was the very same past that made me who i am today.

and such a fool have i become thinking that if i were to attach myself with the familiar environment soon.

that my heart will soon flipped again.

have you no faith in Allah neb?

He guides whomever He wills. 

do you really think Allah is as fragile as you? 

and what such perception you have.

thinking that one person you have known could be exactly the same with another person.

how can i make such comparison.

when its between the ground and the sky that i am comparing with.

oh neb. 

too much free time .

you have in your hand.

that you dwell your own past.

and became upset with yourself. 

oh neb.

calm your heart.

don't let the devil  win even just one match.

you know yourself.

you are changing not because of anyone else.

you change because Allah wants you to.

and nothing is of soothe at the moment.

besides a very old advice from a mother. 

'Allah will grant you only the best.when you grant Him only whats best of you'

and so. 

putting everything in a box. 

and letting fate.

guides the ship. 

Allahumma ma razaqtani mimma uhibb, faj`alhu li quwwatan fi ma tuhibb.

O Allah, whatever You have bestowed upon me of what I love, let it be a strength for me in what You love.

are you mental?

'aren't you worried? he might be some psychopath serial killer?or even worse. he might be annoying!you don't even know him! are you mental?'

yes.
such a cute caring friend i have.
it has been weeks.
since the last time i told her the news.

and even though it was a relentless effort to somehow knock some sense out of me. (according to her)
i know she means well.

i don't know how else to explain it to her that it was more than just a stupid school girl-crush.
because.it wasn't.AT ALL.
i was never that kind of a person anyway.

in all honestly i don't even know what it is.
and i just find it unnecessary to dwell in things that only my Lord would understand.
because as for now.
what i know is that.

i have fallen in love with Allah.
and.
anything.or anyone.that reminds me of Him.
would only be an honour for me to have them around.

it is never about the individual per se .
that was never the case.


and so.
the only reply i could give to her was.

'well. if he happens to be a  psychopath.i have not a slightest worry in me.i know i have you to find me.to the lubang cacing if i go missing. and if he is indeed annoying , it's alright you have been a good practice for me.all this whilst.afterall.he-he' :)

i love you babe.
and i love the fact that i know you love me back.
because you worry too much about me.
and it is the sweetest  thing a friend could offer to another friend.

so don't you worry.
even if its not him.
i am not losing anything.
i still have Allah.
and i still have you as a friend

and even if it is him.
only because Allah wants it to be.
and i know you will still be happy for me.

and yes.

i am being mushy.
once in a while.

and yes babe.
if you need to print screen this.
please do.
who knows.
i might remove it when i feel a little macho-me-self later on. he-he.

against the Goliath for Allah.

i have been wanting to write this for quite sometime.
but i just haven't had the mood for it.
or probably.
i was just in the phase of playing with words without actually bearing any substance.

so i guess.
its a good time now to stop playing.
and write something that is actually worth the read.
if not for others. well at least. for myself.

so i once told a story of how i fear the idea of living without contributing.
how it would seem rather worthless to be able to breathe for myself but not able to move a limb for others.

it took me quite sometime to be able to grasp that idea and to understand the fear behind it.
and soon after.came another matter.
another matter that should be of greater fear from the latter.

the fear of having done everything.
but.
not knowing.
that you are doing it.
not for the sake of Allah.

so yesterday while i was flipping through God's love letters.
i came across two very familiar verses in Baqarah.

verse 249 and 250.

a story of the Talut's (Saul's) soldiers against the Jalut (Goliath) and the river in between.

And when Saul went forth with the soldiers, he said, "Indeed, Allah will be testing you with a river. So whoever drinks from it is not of me, and whoever does not taste it is indeed of me, excepting one who takes [from it] in the hollow of his hand." But they drank from it, except a [very] few of them. Then when he had crossed it along with those who believed with him, they said, "There is no power for us today against Goliath and his soldiers." But those who were certain that they would meet Allah said, "How many a small company has overcome a large company by permission of Allah . And Allah is with the patient."


And when they went forth to [face] Goliath and his soldiers, they said, "Our Lord, pour upon us patience and plant firmly our feet and give us victory over the disbelieving people."

two very strong verses.

after reading it i took time to remember one of the very first tadabburs that i had in regards of these verses. 

Allah. is. screening His servants.

and choosing only the best to represent His deen. 

and this story is one of the examples of many.

the told history of the previous people that have gone through the screening process. 

an entire army being screened just through a river.

and the soldiers that managed to resist the temptation to quench their thirst in the horrid milieu of a battle field. 

are the ones that are worth the pride of Allah to represent His glorified deen.

oh how it stroke me.

that Allah only wants the reddest of the red apples.

and the most crisp of the bunch.

to make people understand that.

His deen.

if it is practiced fully and rightfully will only produce the best of fruits. 

so.

if we really think about it.

He owns entirely everything.

what is on the earth and what is beyond the sky. 

in just a flick of a move. and even lesser.

the entire universe will submit and He will be the only winner.

if He commands it too. 

but knowing the fact that He is ever so Wise. 

Al-Hakim. 

and ever so Just. 

Al-'Ald

He did not do just that.

instead.

He screens. 

meticulously with great patience.

monitoring and waiting.

for His servants to submit themselves.

after countless of screening tests.

picking just the right kind of fruit to serve to the guest.

only those that are worth the bite.

and that made me thought.

of all the things that i have done by far.

in claim of serving Him and nothing else.

was i truly.definitely.

doing it JUST for Him? 

or have i been in the screening process and have been denied the pass because of an impure intention. 

and that. should be a greater fear than a fear of not doing anything.

imagine.

all those hard work.

the effort to get up each day.

and to just live life.

and claiming it is for Allah's sake.

wouldn't it be a waste of everything.

if i had not taken the time to actually realise .

that. NO. these efforts might not be entirely pure. 

my Lord is screening every second of every moment.

wouldn't it be a great loss indeed  to have just a little dot of impurity in the deeds done. 

that would eventually be the cause of not being able to be amongst those ripen apples,willingly picked by the Lord in pride. 

oh.

what a waste it is then. 

how now i fear more.

that some how in every deed that i do.

even as small as a half uttered dzkir.

or simply while i am writing this.

that i am actually not in the pursue of wanting Allah to screen me at my best. 

but actually in the pursue of adoration from His mere creations.

and that would be the biggest loss a person could experience.

indeed vain pursuits wear out the soul. 

and what if.

just what if.

my soul is actually wearing. slowly.

ah. such thought is just simply terrifying.

knowing that if i don't correct my intention every second.

i might just be amongst those soldiers that are left behind.

on the other side of the river.

a rotten apple that my Lord would not even glance at. 

let alone pick. 

and so.my advice to myself the most.

and to whomever that is willing to take heed from the verses. 

just bear in mind.

at all times.

that Allah is screening us.

choosing the best that is within us.

don't let a single false intention.

becomes the reason of our dismissal. 

refresh it.every second.if needed.

and don't let the deeds we do.

just merely to please others. 

because like Ibn Ata'allah said.

'If you desire immortal glory,seek glory in the Immortal' 

may Allah screen us in mercy.

and may He keep us aware that we breathe for Him and not for those He created. 

choose us o Allah.

choose us to represent your deen at its best.

Allahualam.

rainy thursday.

it is raining outside. such a somber thursday morning
woke up to the wrong side of bed today.

and i am all sad for no reason.

i am in a really bad state of missing home.

really.

and looking at all the photos of people enjoying life much back in Malaysia is not helping either.

never have i missed home this much.

probably because i had not been so free to think of it.

and now that i am.

all i can think about is home.

call me a cry baby. or a brat.
i don't mind as long as i am home.
closer to all those familiar faces.

anyway.
received a good news.

though i am not in the state of jumping joyfully on the bed.
i still am.very very happy to know.

that an old friend is getting married soon.
to her high school sweet heart.

awh.
how lovely.

i always had that idea.
where everyone will eventually end up with their high school friends.
because it seems that.
everywhere you turn the world gets even smaller and smaller.

everyone seems to know everyone these days.
and its hard to actually get a chance to encounter a complete stranger.

because.
at the end of the day.
one will eventually have a certain degree of connection to the other.

how well we are connected even without knowing it.

and yes.

to a friend.
congratulations for making it this far.
such a classic tale of a guy from an all-boys school. and a girl from an all-girls school.
met halfway.
and now after years ahead.
they are soon to be married.
classic.

and it gave me some sort of chill.
for some unknown reason.

it crossed my mind.
like all typical girls.

probably at one point in life.
before we get to know the person we are going to marry.
maybe just maybe.
we have some how met them before.
a brief unconscious encounter.
maybe across the street.
or maybe a short glance of a passer by.
and simply maybe.

someone who shares the same du'a the minute you are making one.

maybe just maybe.

at one point in life.
we have known that person way before we actually know them.

and i guess that is the beauty of life itself.
all those mysterious  plans plotted way ahead even before our birth.

ah.and that made me love Allah even more.
He is ever so meticulous in planning.
right to the very point .

and i guess.
even though one day in the future.
if im not destined to be with someone that i know back from high school .
having those classic tale of awhhh and oooooo.

it would be sufficient enough to know that be it a complete stranger.
Allah has made it possible.
still.

and nothing is even more of an honour to know that Allah took the time to actually plan my life in detail.

awh.
my Lord is sweet.

and i am more humbled to know that i am under His full dominance.

ok now.
time to look at all the nice photos of food on instagram.
and cry.

just as it is.

some people have thought that i am still clinging over the past.

overshadowed by the cloak of lost memory.
still clinging over uncertainties.

but many too.

have not realised.
that i have a high hope for the future.

and would be willing to abandon a past.
for something that is more promising.

a news was heard today.
apart of me felt a certain relief that someone too has had a ruined past and a hope.

probably.
i was looking for something in common.
not too foreign to make an unknown gap even bigger.
because i too.
has experienced it all.

but out of a sudden.
knowing what i have known.

it made me dwell more in fear.
probably a much similar past would be a rebirth of a much similar future?

a question left with no answer.

insecurity began to wallow of what is left.

and there i was standing out of breath.
running from a memory that sudden became apparent.

i guess.
it has been built inside me well.
a reflex  mechanism to a fear of being compared.
and being evaluated.

not sure of what is real.
just another whisper of the devil.
or just a way of  me trying to protect myself.
forming yet another layer of membrane around my heart.
just a way of me trying to hide from getting another cut deep in the heart.

past disappointments have taught me well.
to never let a stranger in without knowing everything.

and i did just that.

thinking that.
that would be an enough shield.

and so.
again.
i shall say it.
not as a claim
but as a soothe to my own scrambled heart.
and the pointless insecurity.

i can't be that woman .
where pretty is all that is seen.

for that i don't care if i am not seen as one by anyone.
enough.
if my Lord thinks that i am.
enough.
to know that He created me.
just.enough.the way He wants it.

i can't be that woman.
where intelligence is all that is sought.

for that i don't care if i am not portrayed as the beacon of knowledge.
enough.
with the knowledge that my Lord provides.
enough.
to know that it is He who is kind to even spare me some.

i can't be that woman.
where wealth is all that is wanted in me.

for that i don't care if i am not the owner of prominent wealth.
enough.
to let my Lord know that i know only He is the owner of all richness.
enough.
to know that He knows that i know.


i just don't care.
because.
how would it be useful to have millions adoring you.
if the Creator of the millions do not feel the same way of you.


i dwell what is probably just in my head.
the poignant thoughts of not being enough.
which should not even be the case.

and so.
i pray .

may Allah find just the right person that is not seeking for my absent perfection.
but would rather complete my existing imperfection.

just. please. let me be with that kind of a person.

because i am not in a competition of pleasing a creation.
but only the Creator.

i am just enough.
for some one that is seeking only what is enough.

Allahualam.

yang sempit itu lapang.

kadang-kadang.
ada benda dalam hidup yang memang payah.
mampu buat kita resah.
tenggelam dalam lelah.
yang paling rapat dekatnya dengan susah.

kadang-kadang dalam hidup.

tapi untuk semua yang bertuhan.
ada manis yang tersimpan.

sebab dalam susah itulah.
yang paling terpandang kita pada Allah.

dan kalau kita fikir lagi.
bukan kah bila teringatnya Allah itu.
satu yang paling indah?

jadi  untuk semua hati yang sedang di tunggang terbalik kan.
moga yang paling dekat ada nama nya Allah.
dan moga bila adanya Allah. hatinya terus aman.

insyaAllah.
ada Redha dalam semua yang sempit.
dan ada lapang pada semua sempit yang di redha.

kalau ke tuhan jalan nya.
biar bukan jalan ber tar hitam.
bertanah merah pun sudah cukup.

kalau yang hujungnya tuhan.

kuat kan aja.
semuanya.

cuba. :)

mana kau?

'lagi sebulan aja sayang.sabar ya.nanti aku pulang'

ah. setahun sudah aku tunggu.
dah bermacam cara untuk tak termangu.
sudah semua bercampur rindu.
tetap.masih lagi aku tunggu.

pulanglah lekas.
aku sudah mula jadi rimas.
bergaul risau.
kalau kalau tak sempat.
macam mana dibuat?

'sebulan lagi sayang.tak lama'

hai.
dalam sesaat pun nyawa mampu tercabut.
melepas kerongga.
jangan dibilang pula sebulan.
mana engkau?
aku risau.

'jangan begitu sayang. aku ini juga milik tuhan. tiba masa. aku pulang ya?'

kalau kau tahu aku tunggu kerana bertuhan.
mungkin juga kau akan paham.
kenapa aku gusar.dalam tiap masa berputar .
yang engkau itu aku harap.
jadi bahan emas untuk aku tayang nanti ke tuhan.

kalau kau tahu.

oh.
lekas lekas kau Ramadhan.
tidak kau rindu aku macam mana rindu nya aku pada kau?

every year. nothing fears me more.
than not to be able to meet Ramadhan.
 may Allah last us till it.

with no death do us part.

"In Paradise there is love without separation."

 

Probably one of the things that manage to soothe my heart when death parted me and my loved ones here on earth.

i cling hard. in hope. that one day. in paradise we will stay under one roof .and i 'll have breakfast with them. everyday . with no death do us part. 

one day.

 insyaAllah.

 

let's take a moment today to value life. and to remember death.

Al-Fatihah to all those who are waiting on the other side.

of 20ft container and the community.

'ease others and your Lord will ease you'

this came across my thought as i was walking back from an open house by a postgrad yesterday.

i have to admit.
i am someone who finds it really hard to open my mouth and seek help.

i don't know whether it is the ego or whether it is the shyness.
but i always find it hard 
to simply ask for help. (unless if the person is really.really.really.close to me)
especially from a stranger.

i guess apart of me fear rejection.
and the disappointment of not getting any if i seek it.
so everytime when i need one.
i resorted to just struggle on my own first.
and then only.i will hide behind others and let them ask for me.

and before this i didn't really take note of how much i avoid the conversation of
'eh awak. awak boleh tolong saya?' or simply.
'do you mind doing this.and this for me?'

until yesterday.
when i realised.
i am going to need as much help as possible.
when the 20ft container arrives.

so as usual.
i push others to ask others for help.
because in my mind.
if i were to be the one asking for it.
i will be the major cause of their burden.
and that thought is very much uncomfortable for me to bare. alone.
(probably this is the reason why i don't fancy having maids. it'll be too awkward to ask them do anything)

but.
as a friend was asking around.
'eh.siapa boleh tolong neb angkat barang dia and kitaorang punya nanti?'

a rush of  fear filled me.
out of a sudden.
*tah apa-apa tah*

and there i was.
to my surprise.
they answered yes.and offered even more.

ah.
and in fact suggested to help cook for the day.
because trust me.
probably they read my expression well.
cooking for 20 other people would be the most horrific nightmare a neb could have.
yes. i hereby proclaim.
i am not good in serving big crowds.

and so.
i am awoken to a forgotten thought.
the key to great community .

hablum minnannas.

your balance relationship with the creations.

and without me realising it.
every time when we seek help.
we are not simply burdening the person.
but we are actually opening a door for them to be closer to Allah.
and that happens only if we do it for the sake of Allah.

and trust me.
i have nothing to offer them back.
besides a truck load of gratitude.
yet.
they are willing to help us still.
such great community i am living with .
Alhamdullilah.

may the filling of the  20ft container be easy.
and may Allah count their every sweat later in helping.

and. . . . .

may i put my shyness or probably ego a little aside.
next time.
because hey!
wouldn't it be nice to be the reason of someone else's chance to add up his/her good deeds.
and wouldn't it be nice to be the one getting it too.


dah.
tak payah nak malu-malu sangat tak kena tempat neb.
tak macho.
booooooooooo.

perfect clumsiness.

had a weird encounter.

' i am waiting for your next post. can't wait to read it'

coming from a stranger i clearly don't know.

and it dawned on me.

oh shoot! i got to really stop writing crap and  there i was thinking.

of all this while. i wrote because i got a really crappy memory .and by crappy .i mean really.

i am the type of person that needs to take photos and read things again and again so that i remember what i did.

and that is why i blog.
because i don't carry a diary around.
(i find it a waste of ink and trees)

and. . . .
suddenly.
when someone out of nowhere.
came to me and asking me when am i going to post something brilliant and worth reading.
(not that i ever did)

i am now all red.
embarrass over all the silly stuffs that i have written.

i really need to be more aware of my surrounding.
got to stop living in a bubble neb.

and this afternoon.
as i was checking my email.
received  another notification from blogspot.

of a deleted comment.
which i am still able to read.

and there i was grinning to myself.

some people in this world are just simply.
adorable.
simply.
adorable.

good to know that i am not the only silly and clumsy one.
here on earth .

and yes.
though i don't  even know whether you are still reading.

that one post.
yup.
that goes to you.
without even me realising it.

so.
to another known stranger.

FOCUS.

:)


ok. time to have some haya'  neb.
 some haya'.


if  strangers can view your life as easy as one click.
imagine Allah?

oh dear me.
 what a good tarbiyah today. :)

may Allah ease everything.

FOCUS.

2 brown boxes.

i am almost done with packing.
though i still have about 2 months to go.
yes.that is how OCD i am .
i just like things to be properly planned.


it didn't take long to finish really.
not at all.
and i realised. honestly  i have nothing much to bring back home.
3 years of  living here.
i only ended up packing 2 medium sized boxes for shipping.
one of it is clothing and the other is a box full of books.

and there i was thinking.
is that it?
is that all i own?
 for the past 3 years?

2 brown boxes of stuffs?

apart of me was actually loving the idea of having such little stuff to own.
but apart of me was in great curiosity.
where did all my stuffs go?

its either i have lost them without me realising it.
or all of this while  i just thought that i have so many things but actually in reality i ended up having a lot lesser.

oh well.

but.
in a way.
i do find its good to have less things in life.
it makes life easier somehow.
nothing to pull me back if i were to run ahead.
the less you own. the less worry you become.
and the thought of living my stuffs in a metal box for weeks traveling in deep sea thousands of miles away doesn't worry me much .
because apart of me knew that.
if i were to lose it.
i wont be losing much anyway.

oh.
how i am beginning to fancy this kind of lifestyle.
having things just enough.just in moderation .
just.as it is.

the best tarbiyah of being a student is always to be able to settle with the idea of simply.
less is more. in life.

how easy for me to see it now.
the beauty of simplicity actually  lies in between the border of having just.enough.
and it doens't take a truck load of materials to make us feel content and provided.
but the important bit is to value those little things we have along side with a truck load of gratitude for being able to even own.just a alittle.

and so.
with two medium boxes.
and oh.
a guitar. 
i shall soon end.
my single days of Liverpool.

may Allah fill me a house full of good things in Jannah later.
instead.

ameen.

 he-he. :)

a rotten apple for a ripen pear.

yesterday was a day of friends.
today is a day of friends.

oh i just love being surrounded with good people.

it makes me appreciate life better .
and its always a good reminder to know that .

whenever Allah takes away something or someone in your life.
He will replace it with something better .

and there will be times where i just feel so small to repay back what He has given.
a world of repayment can never repay even an ounce of His kindness.

i feel so blessed.

so.so.so.very blessed.

my heart is too small to contain the feeling of how lucky i feel at this moment.

years ago.
i lost some friends .
but i gained great companies with Allah as the reason.

years ago.
i let go of a familiar lifestyle.
for a transformed life with Allah as the purpose.

years ago.
few people were removed from my life .for good.
for a person that will come and soon change my life.
 and nothing but Allah as the main planner.


such compassionate He is.
and such forgetful i am at times.

these past few months have been extremely overwhelming.
i don't think i have ever been so happy like this.
family.
friends.
knowledge.
the ummah.

everything.
has been made with ease.

in spite of some little hiccups in between.


however.
it is truly different how you start to view life from the way Allah wants you to.
than to view life  from the way you think it is true.

the next few months ahead going to be even more interesting.
i hope.

a point of knowing that .
soon .
i shall not experience all these alone.
insyaAllah.  :)

open the gate for the right path o Allah.
i really want my end to be You.

in point of knowing.

to Jannah i chose you.

be it someone who i have just known for only months.

and to Jannah i ignore the rest.

be it a past i have known for years.

simply because.

it is Allah that i want.

and nothing else.

again.
to Jannah.
i chose you for a future.

leaving a past that was dragging me to hell.

:)

in two more months.
a new journey will be taken.
with such an unsure outcome.
but what ever it is.
i will keep Allah close.
for i have tasted the bitter of having Him a  far.

and i write this just to ease a worry of another lady.
oh dear.
please know.

my covenant is with Allah.
and never His creations.

and i have found  just the person.
that will be the limbs to assist my walk.
and wallahi he is not cripple.
insyaAllah.

what ever Allah decrees.

i submit fully.
never for me.
but for Him only.

o Allah.
submit me to you.
and make my heart white enough to light the dark path. 
for it is an agony to be in  the dark.

so don't you worry.
Allah has always been the best end point for all of us.
never His creations solely.
:)

my Jannah mates. insyaAllah.

had a wonderful evening today.

after weeks.
finally i get to join usrah again.

oh how i forgot the lovely feeling of being surrounded with knowledge and love.

such a gathering i shall definitely miss.

and so before i take my slumber. i thought i sit down and write a little bit before i will soon lose this memory.

3 years ago.
as i was about to go out.
going down the stairs.
passing a small room of a half opened door.

i heard some soft voices inside.
uttering stuffs of the Quran that i never knew of.

i stood by the door.
as my feet are ready to just take its steps and leave.

yet my ears are clung to the words.
in a room.
i happened to pass by.

and there i was.
introduced to the words of Allah.
for the very first time.
in a very different perspective.
beautiful.just as it is.

that was it.
my first of many sweet gatherings.


ah.
3 years ago.
it was.

and this evening.
would probably be the last usrah i will have.
as for now.
before i leave.

those people i have known for years.
the bond between us made in the sweetness of only for the sake of Allah.
the bond of my usrah mates.

oh how i adore them .

and this late evening i thought it would be only appropriate if i write about this last meet.

just a way for me to express my soon going-to-miss feeling.

this.goes out .
to them.
to my dear sisters.

__________________________________________________

And you did not kill them, but it was Allah who killed them. And you threw not, [O Muhammad], when you threw, but it was Allah who threw that He might test the believers with a good test. Indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing. [8:17]

a tadabbur was made. 

just the right kind of verse to end the beginning. 

had Allah not moved my feet down the stairs.
not let the door to be half opened.
not let me know them like i know them now.
not let me be adamant to know more.

had Allah not.

i would not end my day today.
with a final gathering of ilm.
with gems of the people.
again in a small room.
with the door half opened. 

and today we read the verse.
again.
and again.


'you did not kill them,but it was Allah who killed them.and you threw not.when you threw but it was Allah who threw'


nothing.
nothing in this world.
that we do.
independent of the will of God.
 controlled fully by our own will.
nothing.

how can it be.
when even our breath is not for us to own.

and that made me realise even more.
how dependent i am of Allah.

and how i am lucky to have been.

the tadabbur made was even longer.
 but i thought i would just share the  gist of it and what i got from it.

it is never the end product.
but always the first effort.
 that matters.

because.
at the end of the day.

Allah wins the winners through their efforts.
and even the efforts are the gifts from Allah Himself.

and nothing would make me feel even smaller
than to know that even to have an effort to win.
is subjected to His will.
and His will only. 

and if i am destined to fight.
let it be only for His cause.

Alhamdulllilah.

i had that.
for my usrah.

and so.
to my sweet sisters.

Uhibbukunna fillah :)

may Allah prepare each and everyone of you.
the best of Jannah .
and let our houses be next to each other in that land near to Allah.
insyaAllah.

ah.
i am going to miss them.

so tarbiyah for today.

move for Allah.
but know that it is His mercy that is moving you.

senyum.

went back.

took a time to relax.

switched the computer on.

opened a site.

scroll.scroll.scroll.click.scroll.

and smiled.

that feeling of knowing you are remembered.

simple little things.
just .like that.

thank you.

gembira betul.

i am happy.

really really really

really.
happy.

Alhamdullilah

So which of the favours of your Lord would you deny?
[55:42]

none.
i must not.

suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabis.

now.
2 more months and i'll be home.
insyaAllah. 

:)

baru macam ni dah gembira.

bayang kan kalau dapat jumpa Allah.
mesti tak terkira.
gembiranya.

Allahu . . . .  :)

to years of life.

helped a friend move out early this morning.

spent the whole night helping her to pack and laughing at how ridiculous it was for her to be all nostalgic about life to a point that she keeps even candy wrappers.

i can't believe she's going back already.
and a part of me just died a little bit .
probably it is the fact that i know that this whole thing is almost over.

packed some of my stuffs.
though i dont have any candy wrappers to keep.
(yes. i am the type that throws everything. i am not good at keeping stuffs)
and it dawned on me.

i am soon going to leave this place.
after many years of being here.

and yesterday when i went to the studio.
i cried a little bit inside.
the 5-year struggle is almost ending.

and i shall take a year break .
and God knows what is going to happen within that one year.

some part of me is telling myself to wait.
and hang around just a little bit more.
and some part of me is telling myself to just go back.
and face life like a man! . . ( ehem!. i mean a lady)

oh dear me.
NOW WHY DO I FEEL ALL  NOSTALGIC THIS MORNING :(

funny it is.

5 years ago.
i worked hard to stay away from a person.
 moved far away for a different life.
and now.
i am coming back to stay near  to a person.
packed up everything for a life.
( naaaaaa. its for the food actually.he-he)

and there i thought to myself.

how ironic life is.

indeed.

and how much greater Allah's plans are.

and how secured i feel.
that i have no one but Allah to plan it for me.

o Allah.
i put full trust on You.
You are the only one who will  never dissapointment.
and i feel lucky.
You let me find You.
and let me fall in love with You.

though in flaws.

whatever that is coming.
please don't let me mind what ever it is.
as long as it keeps me near You o Allah.


and so.
the only nostalgic piece i have right now.
is only my heart.

and may it be enough.
for the life ahead.

insyaAllah.

okay.menangis macam perempuan hilang kasut mahal.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

i shall miss you Liverpool sayang. :')

Alhamdullilah.

Alhamdullilah.

that would probably be the only word i could utter as the final drawing was pinned up.

and today.

is the day where the grieve of yesterday is replaced with the feeling of gratitude and relieve.

o Allah.

thank you for sparing me a great friend to help ease the day.

she stayed from morning till late afternoon to help me.

and i have no one else to thank but You.
please grant her Jannah.
 

and thank you for those small reminders You gave.

i could write a thousand words.

but why should i.

when i know You  can read minds.

I AM DONE . . . .  . . .weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Alhamdullilah .

and .

a little note to someone.
who might or might not be reading.


don't you worry.
i am alright.
insyaAllah 
i have the best Guardian of all.
after all. 
eh


less than two months to go.
insyaAllah.
:)

NAK-BALIK

look at that.just look at that.
50-more-days.

and i'll be home.

50 - - - - - more - - - - - - days.

SABAR LAH NEB.

sabar sikit boleh tak?

saaaaaaaaaaaaaaabar.

the bright sun is near.

yesterday was lovely.

spent the night before crying.
over failed attempt of printing.
had to waste such an amount of money for it.

oh another ordinary thing in architecture.
i felt bad.
imagine those every inch of the paper.
that could have been spent on a popper.
oh well.
all sustenance comes only from Allah.
and mine just so happen to be spared for a printing company who failed to perform.

oh well.

spent half a day after that trying to print again.
and indeed.
Allah is a big Helper.
finally.got what i want.
so yea. people may get nervous over other many things in life.
those 30 mins. of my life span while the paper comes out from the printing machine was among those most nerve racking moments.
and Alhamdullilah .

followed by a visit to the workshop .
surrounded by all those.
zombified kiasu doing work.
like-me.

and something happened.

stewy chewy, the workshop assistant came out.
saw me.
and tried to give a big high-five.
i responded.
with a big awkward apology.
'oh sorry stewy, i can't touch you .i am a muslim girl'

'what was that again no-rule?'

'oh.i can't high-five back. i can't touch a guy who is not related to me' ( well can't really find the best way to explain it to a scouser.so i gave the shortest answer instead )

'oh so i shouldn't ever try to hug you from the back or anything then?

'no stewy. don't. ever'

he nodded. smiled. and went away.



5 mins after that.

he came back.

'so no-rule. enlighten me. so what if its an emergency? lets say. you fell down a stair and i try to help you. will you be all angry  and push me away? or if you faint and somebody sees you and tried to help. would that be considered wrong? '

'oh no no . if its an emergency its alright stewy. my religion eases those who are in need'

'oh thats good to know!. its good ya know. having all these new infos.its like you are learning a new culture' ( culture so he says .hehe) . what else?

'oh. i can only touch my father. my brother.and my husband'

'oh. is that so? well good to know then'
and he left.
with a knowledge.

and there i was .gluing cardboards.

thinking . . .

oh shoot!!!
he must have thought i am married now!

opppsssss.

oh well.

i will be anyway.

someday.

so for now.

i am the married-asian-muslim-zombified looking girl to stewy.

oh .well.

and right after that.
i went out to town.and had a life.
embracing the sun.
and screwing architecture.

4-more-days.

and ah. . .
its lovely.
simply because.

i had to share yet another lovely thing about Islam.

preservation .
and modesty.

to a stranger.

o Allah.
cover me.
for the things that need to be covered.
and make me amongst those that are preserved  for the purity of Jannah.
and cleanse me from the dirt of yesterdays.

insyaAllah.

on aside note.

a sister of my usrah is going to undergo a medical treatment
i hope anyone reading this could spare her your du'a.
may Allah ease it and fix it. insyaAllah.

i hope all is well.

you can.

nothing beats the soothing recitation of Quran.
especially from my favourite.


been listening to too many songs these past few days while doing work.
simply because youtube is not functioning well.

and theres nothing else in my phone except 2000 plus songs.
and for someone who has a really short span of focus.

i need distraction .

and indeed .

it hardens my heart bit by bit.

and oh my.

truly indeed.
everything should be in moderation .

and now.
youtube is back.
and internet is not slacking much.

so Fadh Al Kanderi it is for this late afternoon.

and yes.
i have submitted my work for printing .  Alhamdullilah.
40 quids gone in a flash.

so in total.

i have spent more than 300£ just for this final project.

may Allah repay it with lovely bricks for a beautiful house in Jannah .

for now.

architecture is draining every single bit of me.
oh well.

Alhamdullilah still.
i'm sure there lies countless benefits in it.

i am sure.


for every knowledge .
there is wisdom.


now. time to sit back.
cut some cardboards.
and enjoy youtube.

4-more-days.
you-can-do-this-neb.
YOU-CAN.

submission tense.

you are a beautiful.

person.

i have known.

from far.

we are no saints.but surely we are sinners.

the longer time i spend in trying to remember who i was.

the more worried i became in trying to become who i am.

and so.
we visit our past.
not for the sake of strolling along memory lane.
but to understand.the sharp pebbles we stepped on.in hardening our feet.
so that in time ahead.
the steps we take are even stronger.
and even deeper. 

in regards to a long week of reminiscing.

i share these 2 videos.
one i have watched years ago.

and the other one.
only seconds ago.

how much hope we should rely on God.
and how weak our judgements are.

never.forget.everyone is a sinner.
and everyone too has the best Forgiver.

p/s : this would probably be the best video from lutfi.
and. . . awwwwwwh. look at that ruined model. :P

neb jatuh longkang?

had a conversation with a former schoolmate.
and i am suddenly reminded of my high school life.

i don't know why these past few days have been different.

its like i am reminiscing myself.
honestly. i can't remember much .

probably. my prayers of wanting to be removed from my past were answered.

but then again.

it's like im losing the path that brought me here.
slowly.

so i opened my old facebook account.
and my old blog.

and oh boy.

without me realising it.
i really have changed alot.

it is like i am totally a reformed being.

flipped into the other side of the coin.

the good side of the coin.
that is.
hopefully.

and had i known there is such beauty in choosing Allah over anything.over everything.
earlier.
i would not have spared a single moment of my breath.
but.

i guess.
those things of growing up.
made me the grown up i am now.

so.
all i did was smiled along the way.
looking at the past of my silly self ( well. still am. sometimes)

indeed.
Allah is the changer of hearts.

and indeed.

i have changed.

for the better.
insyaAllah.
 ___________________________________________

 anyway.


oh. how i miss high school.
going back home by train.
eating lunch at mcd jamek.
walking around central market with no aim ( i just love the ambiance)
rushing to get air soya at petaling street.
trying not to sleep through  out kasturi tuition lessons.
walking in the middle of dataran square like i own it.
picking up books at the KL Library and capturing its essence  (yes. i sniff on old books. im just weird that way)
going around laughing like nobody's business at dayabumi with friends.
squeezing in between sardine packed train coach.
falling down a drain for walking without looking. and crying after that.
being all snobbish to all the boys. because i am just a snob. naaah. i am just shy (right)

and the best bit.

trying to keep sane in spite of all the pressure of school.

ah.
had i known.
 those little things made me who i am today.

i would cherish more.

the train tickets.
the ayam goreng mcd.
the sound of footsteps late afternoon in central market.
the sweetness of air soya in a hot day.
the trapped smelly air of kasturi.
the soft grass on dataran field.
the smell of books that i never get to read.
the laughter of now distant friends.
the sweat that runs down in between the crowded  train.
the tear drops of a frantic injured girl.
the gatal boys with really awful pickup lines. . ( oh no. probably not this,hehe)

and.

the add maths equation that up until today.
i still can't find its function in my daily life.

oh.

how i miss those days.

and oh how i love the way i am today.

may the days ahead.
be better than the yesterdays.

:)

maybe that's just me.

was having a conversation with someone about money.

and how hard it is to not have any.


and it struck me

oh how lovely would it be.
to be able to love someone with none.


not for the sake of money.
nor for the love of many.
but simply.

to just love love  in its simplicity.

if only.
or
maybe that's just me.

oh well. 

wouldn't it be lovely.
still.


if the whole world sees love just as it is.

the fear before slumber.

somebody died.

a distant relative.

somebody just died.

and again death becomes a great reminder.

the only reminder of what the ahead life should be.

and as i was praying yesterday after the tragic news.

i realised.

i planned too much for the future.
without realising.
it might not just happen.
i might not just wake up after my sujud.

and i was sadden by it.
too many things to do.
too many to achieve.
i still didn't get to hug a loving mother.
i still didn't get to smile to a caring father.

i still didn't get to serve the ummah further.
i still .

and then comes fear.
what if i die in my slumber.
when im taking my rest with nothing to remember.

that would be the worst kind of death.
to die in a state of not serving when i am still in good health.

what if?

and so i slept in fear last night.
if my soul  were to be taken.
let it be in a state of utmost love and devotion.
to the One that all souls are owned.


oh. nothing. is sweet about death.
than only.
it is a point of rejoicing with God.
may Allah give redha to my worthless life.
and make it worth.


Al-Fatihah to my kin.who first taught me alif ba ta sa jim.
may Allah prepare you a house in Jannah for the Quran you taught me.
insyaAllah.