just as it is.

some people have thought that i am still clinging over the past.

overshadowed by the cloak of lost memory.
still clinging over uncertainties.

but many too.

have not realised.
that i have a high hope for the future.

and would be willing to abandon a past.
for something that is more promising.

a news was heard today.
apart of me felt a certain relief that someone too has had a ruined past and a hope.

probably.
i was looking for something in common.
not too foreign to make an unknown gap even bigger.
because i too.
has experienced it all.

but out of a sudden.
knowing what i have known.

it made me dwell more in fear.
probably a much similar past would be a rebirth of a much similar future?

a question left with no answer.

insecurity began to wallow of what is left.

and there i was standing out of breath.
running from a memory that sudden became apparent.

i guess.
it has been built inside me well.
a reflex  mechanism to a fear of being compared.
and being evaluated.

not sure of what is real.
just another whisper of the devil.
or just a way of  me trying to protect myself.
forming yet another layer of membrane around my heart.
just a way of me trying to hide from getting another cut deep in the heart.

past disappointments have taught me well.
to never let a stranger in without knowing everything.

and i did just that.

thinking that.
that would be an enough shield.

and so.
again.
i shall say it.
not as a claim
but as a soothe to my own scrambled heart.
and the pointless insecurity.

i can't be that woman .
where pretty is all that is seen.

for that i don't care if i am not seen as one by anyone.
enough.
if my Lord thinks that i am.
enough.
to know that He created me.
just.enough.the way He wants it.

i can't be that woman.
where intelligence is all that is sought.

for that i don't care if i am not portrayed as the beacon of knowledge.
enough.
with the knowledge that my Lord provides.
enough.
to know that it is He who is kind to even spare me some.

i can't be that woman.
where wealth is all that is wanted in me.

for that i don't care if i am not the owner of prominent wealth.
enough.
to let my Lord know that i know only He is the owner of all richness.
enough.
to know that He knows that i know.


i just don't care.
because.
how would it be useful to have millions adoring you.
if the Creator of the millions do not feel the same way of you.


i dwell what is probably just in my head.
the poignant thoughts of not being enough.
which should not even be the case.

and so.
i pray .

may Allah find just the right person that is not seeking for my absent perfection.
but would rather complete my existing imperfection.

just. please. let me be with that kind of a person.

because i am not in a competition of pleasing a creation.
but only the Creator.

i am just enough.
for some one that is seeking only what is enough.

Allahualam.