are you mental?

'aren't you worried? he might be some psychopath serial killer?or even worse. he might be annoying!you don't even know him! are you mental?'

yes.
such a cute caring friend i have.
it has been weeks.
since the last time i told her the news.

and even though it was a relentless effort to somehow knock some sense out of me. (according to her)
i know she means well.

i don't know how else to explain it to her that it was more than just a stupid school girl-crush.
because.it wasn't.AT ALL.
i was never that kind of a person anyway.

in all honestly i don't even know what it is.
and i just find it unnecessary to dwell in things that only my Lord would understand.
because as for now.
what i know is that.

i have fallen in love with Allah.
and.
anything.or anyone.that reminds me of Him.
would only be an honour for me to have them around.

it is never about the individual per se .
that was never the case.


and so.
the only reply i could give to her was.

'well. if he happens to be a  psychopath.i have not a slightest worry in me.i know i have you to find me.to the lubang cacing if i go missing. and if he is indeed annoying , it's alright you have been a good practice for me.all this whilst.afterall.he-he' :)

i love you babe.
and i love the fact that i know you love me back.
because you worry too much about me.
and it is the sweetest  thing a friend could offer to another friend.

so don't you worry.
even if its not him.
i am not losing anything.
i still have Allah.
and i still have you as a friend

and even if it is him.
only because Allah wants it to be.
and i know you will still be happy for me.

and yes.

i am being mushy.
once in a while.

and yes babe.
if you need to print screen this.
please do.
who knows.
i might remove it when i feel a little macho-me-self later on. he-he.

against the Goliath for Allah.

i have been wanting to write this for quite sometime.
but i just haven't had the mood for it.
or probably.
i was just in the phase of playing with words without actually bearing any substance.

so i guess.
its a good time now to stop playing.
and write something that is actually worth the read.
if not for others. well at least. for myself.

so i once told a story of how i fear the idea of living without contributing.
how it would seem rather worthless to be able to breathe for myself but not able to move a limb for others.

it took me quite sometime to be able to grasp that idea and to understand the fear behind it.
and soon after.came another matter.
another matter that should be of greater fear from the latter.

the fear of having done everything.
but.
not knowing.
that you are doing it.
not for the sake of Allah.

so yesterday while i was flipping through God's love letters.
i came across two very familiar verses in Baqarah.

verse 249 and 250.

a story of the Talut's (Saul's) soldiers against the Jalut (Goliath) and the river in between.

And when Saul went forth with the soldiers, he said, "Indeed, Allah will be testing you with a river. So whoever drinks from it is not of me, and whoever does not taste it is indeed of me, excepting one who takes [from it] in the hollow of his hand." But they drank from it, except a [very] few of them. Then when he had crossed it along with those who believed with him, they said, "There is no power for us today against Goliath and his soldiers." But those who were certain that they would meet Allah said, "How many a small company has overcome a large company by permission of Allah . And Allah is with the patient."


And when they went forth to [face] Goliath and his soldiers, they said, "Our Lord, pour upon us patience and plant firmly our feet and give us victory over the disbelieving people."

two very strong verses.

after reading it i took time to remember one of the very first tadabburs that i had in regards of these verses. 

Allah. is. screening His servants.

and choosing only the best to represent His deen. 

and this story is one of the examples of many.

the told history of the previous people that have gone through the screening process. 

an entire army being screened just through a river.

and the soldiers that managed to resist the temptation to quench their thirst in the horrid milieu of a battle field. 

are the ones that are worth the pride of Allah to represent His glorified deen.

oh how it stroke me.

that Allah only wants the reddest of the red apples.

and the most crisp of the bunch.

to make people understand that.

His deen.

if it is practiced fully and rightfully will only produce the best of fruits. 

so.

if we really think about it.

He owns entirely everything.

what is on the earth and what is beyond the sky. 

in just a flick of a move. and even lesser.

the entire universe will submit and He will be the only winner.

if He commands it too. 

but knowing the fact that He is ever so Wise. 

Al-Hakim. 

and ever so Just. 

Al-'Ald

He did not do just that.

instead.

He screens. 

meticulously with great patience.

monitoring and waiting.

for His servants to submit themselves.

after countless of screening tests.

picking just the right kind of fruit to serve to the guest.

only those that are worth the bite.

and that made me thought.

of all the things that i have done by far.

in claim of serving Him and nothing else.

was i truly.definitely.

doing it JUST for Him? 

or have i been in the screening process and have been denied the pass because of an impure intention. 

and that. should be a greater fear than a fear of not doing anything.

imagine.

all those hard work.

the effort to get up each day.

and to just live life.

and claiming it is for Allah's sake.

wouldn't it be a waste of everything.

if i had not taken the time to actually realise .

that. NO. these efforts might not be entirely pure. 

my Lord is screening every second of every moment.

wouldn't it be a great loss indeed  to have just a little dot of impurity in the deeds done. 

that would eventually be the cause of not being able to be amongst those ripen apples,willingly picked by the Lord in pride. 

oh.

what a waste it is then. 

how now i fear more.

that some how in every deed that i do.

even as small as a half uttered dzkir.

or simply while i am writing this.

that i am actually not in the pursue of wanting Allah to screen me at my best. 

but actually in the pursue of adoration from His mere creations.

and that would be the biggest loss a person could experience.

indeed vain pursuits wear out the soul. 

and what if.

just what if.

my soul is actually wearing. slowly.

ah. such thought is just simply terrifying.

knowing that if i don't correct my intention every second.

i might just be amongst those soldiers that are left behind.

on the other side of the river.

a rotten apple that my Lord would not even glance at. 

let alone pick. 

and so.my advice to myself the most.

and to whomever that is willing to take heed from the verses. 

just bear in mind.

at all times.

that Allah is screening us.

choosing the best that is within us.

don't let a single false intention.

becomes the reason of our dismissal. 

refresh it.every second.if needed.

and don't let the deeds we do.

just merely to please others. 

because like Ibn Ata'allah said.

'If you desire immortal glory,seek glory in the Immortal' 

may Allah screen us in mercy.

and may He keep us aware that we breathe for Him and not for those He created. 

choose us o Allah.

choose us to represent your deen at its best.

Allahualam.

rainy thursday.

it is raining outside. such a somber thursday morning
woke up to the wrong side of bed today.

and i am all sad for no reason.

i am in a really bad state of missing home.

really.

and looking at all the photos of people enjoying life much back in Malaysia is not helping either.

never have i missed home this much.

probably because i had not been so free to think of it.

and now that i am.

all i can think about is home.

call me a cry baby. or a brat.
i don't mind as long as i am home.
closer to all those familiar faces.

anyway.
received a good news.

though i am not in the state of jumping joyfully on the bed.
i still am.very very happy to know.

that an old friend is getting married soon.
to her high school sweet heart.

awh.
how lovely.

i always had that idea.
where everyone will eventually end up with their high school friends.
because it seems that.
everywhere you turn the world gets even smaller and smaller.

everyone seems to know everyone these days.
and its hard to actually get a chance to encounter a complete stranger.

because.
at the end of the day.
one will eventually have a certain degree of connection to the other.

how well we are connected even without knowing it.

and yes.

to a friend.
congratulations for making it this far.
such a classic tale of a guy from an all-boys school. and a girl from an all-girls school.
met halfway.
and now after years ahead.
they are soon to be married.
classic.

and it gave me some sort of chill.
for some unknown reason.

it crossed my mind.
like all typical girls.

probably at one point in life.
before we get to know the person we are going to marry.
maybe just maybe.
we have some how met them before.
a brief unconscious encounter.
maybe across the street.
or maybe a short glance of a passer by.
and simply maybe.

someone who shares the same du'a the minute you are making one.

maybe just maybe.

at one point in life.
we have known that person way before we actually know them.

and i guess that is the beauty of life itself.
all those mysterious  plans plotted way ahead even before our birth.

ah.and that made me love Allah even more.
He is ever so meticulous in planning.
right to the very point .

and i guess.
even though one day in the future.
if im not destined to be with someone that i know back from high school .
having those classic tale of awhhh and oooooo.

it would be sufficient enough to know that be it a complete stranger.
Allah has made it possible.
still.

and nothing is even more of an honour to know that Allah took the time to actually plan my life in detail.

awh.
my Lord is sweet.

and i am more humbled to know that i am under His full dominance.

ok now.
time to look at all the nice photos of food on instagram.
and cry.

just as it is.

some people have thought that i am still clinging over the past.

overshadowed by the cloak of lost memory.
still clinging over uncertainties.

but many too.

have not realised.
that i have a high hope for the future.

and would be willing to abandon a past.
for something that is more promising.

a news was heard today.
apart of me felt a certain relief that someone too has had a ruined past and a hope.

probably.
i was looking for something in common.
not too foreign to make an unknown gap even bigger.
because i too.
has experienced it all.

but out of a sudden.
knowing what i have known.

it made me dwell more in fear.
probably a much similar past would be a rebirth of a much similar future?

a question left with no answer.

insecurity began to wallow of what is left.

and there i was standing out of breath.
running from a memory that sudden became apparent.

i guess.
it has been built inside me well.
a reflex  mechanism to a fear of being compared.
and being evaluated.

not sure of what is real.
just another whisper of the devil.
or just a way of  me trying to protect myself.
forming yet another layer of membrane around my heart.
just a way of me trying to hide from getting another cut deep in the heart.

past disappointments have taught me well.
to never let a stranger in without knowing everything.

and i did just that.

thinking that.
that would be an enough shield.

and so.
again.
i shall say it.
not as a claim
but as a soothe to my own scrambled heart.
and the pointless insecurity.

i can't be that woman .
where pretty is all that is seen.

for that i don't care if i am not seen as one by anyone.
enough.
if my Lord thinks that i am.
enough.
to know that He created me.
just.enough.the way He wants it.

i can't be that woman.
where intelligence is all that is sought.

for that i don't care if i am not portrayed as the beacon of knowledge.
enough.
with the knowledge that my Lord provides.
enough.
to know that it is He who is kind to even spare me some.

i can't be that woman.
where wealth is all that is wanted in me.

for that i don't care if i am not the owner of prominent wealth.
enough.
to let my Lord know that i know only He is the owner of all richness.
enough.
to know that He knows that i know.


i just don't care.
because.
how would it be useful to have millions adoring you.
if the Creator of the millions do not feel the same way of you.


i dwell what is probably just in my head.
the poignant thoughts of not being enough.
which should not even be the case.

and so.
i pray .

may Allah find just the right person that is not seeking for my absent perfection.
but would rather complete my existing imperfection.

just. please. let me be with that kind of a person.

because i am not in a competition of pleasing a creation.
but only the Creator.

i am just enough.
for some one that is seeking only what is enough.

Allahualam.

yang sempit itu lapang.

kadang-kadang.
ada benda dalam hidup yang memang payah.
mampu buat kita resah.
tenggelam dalam lelah.
yang paling rapat dekatnya dengan susah.

kadang-kadang dalam hidup.

tapi untuk semua yang bertuhan.
ada manis yang tersimpan.

sebab dalam susah itulah.
yang paling terpandang kita pada Allah.

dan kalau kita fikir lagi.
bukan kah bila teringatnya Allah itu.
satu yang paling indah?

jadi  untuk semua hati yang sedang di tunggang terbalik kan.
moga yang paling dekat ada nama nya Allah.
dan moga bila adanya Allah. hatinya terus aman.

insyaAllah.
ada Redha dalam semua yang sempit.
dan ada lapang pada semua sempit yang di redha.

kalau ke tuhan jalan nya.
biar bukan jalan ber tar hitam.
bertanah merah pun sudah cukup.

kalau yang hujungnya tuhan.

kuat kan aja.
semuanya.

cuba. :)

mana kau?

'lagi sebulan aja sayang.sabar ya.nanti aku pulang'

ah. setahun sudah aku tunggu.
dah bermacam cara untuk tak termangu.
sudah semua bercampur rindu.
tetap.masih lagi aku tunggu.

pulanglah lekas.
aku sudah mula jadi rimas.
bergaul risau.
kalau kalau tak sempat.
macam mana dibuat?

'sebulan lagi sayang.tak lama'

hai.
dalam sesaat pun nyawa mampu tercabut.
melepas kerongga.
jangan dibilang pula sebulan.
mana engkau?
aku risau.

'jangan begitu sayang. aku ini juga milik tuhan. tiba masa. aku pulang ya?'

kalau kau tahu aku tunggu kerana bertuhan.
mungkin juga kau akan paham.
kenapa aku gusar.dalam tiap masa berputar .
yang engkau itu aku harap.
jadi bahan emas untuk aku tayang nanti ke tuhan.

kalau kau tahu.

oh.
lekas lekas kau Ramadhan.
tidak kau rindu aku macam mana rindu nya aku pada kau?

every year. nothing fears me more.
than not to be able to meet Ramadhan.
 may Allah last us till it.

with no death do us part.

"In Paradise there is love without separation."

 

Probably one of the things that manage to soothe my heart when death parted me and my loved ones here on earth.

i cling hard. in hope. that one day. in paradise we will stay under one roof .and i 'll have breakfast with them. everyday . with no death do us part. 

one day.

 insyaAllah.

 

let's take a moment today to value life. and to remember death.

Al-Fatihah to all those who are waiting on the other side.

of 20ft container and the community.

'ease others and your Lord will ease you'

this came across my thought as i was walking back from an open house by a postgrad yesterday.

i have to admit.
i am someone who finds it really hard to open my mouth and seek help.

i don't know whether it is the ego or whether it is the shyness.
but i always find it hard 
to simply ask for help. (unless if the person is really.really.really.close to me)
especially from a stranger.

i guess apart of me fear rejection.
and the disappointment of not getting any if i seek it.
so everytime when i need one.
i resorted to just struggle on my own first.
and then only.i will hide behind others and let them ask for me.

and before this i didn't really take note of how much i avoid the conversation of
'eh awak. awak boleh tolong saya?' or simply.
'do you mind doing this.and this for me?'

until yesterday.
when i realised.
i am going to need as much help as possible.
when the 20ft container arrives.

so as usual.
i push others to ask others for help.
because in my mind.
if i were to be the one asking for it.
i will be the major cause of their burden.
and that thought is very much uncomfortable for me to bare. alone.
(probably this is the reason why i don't fancy having maids. it'll be too awkward to ask them do anything)

but.
as a friend was asking around.
'eh.siapa boleh tolong neb angkat barang dia and kitaorang punya nanti?'

a rush of  fear filled me.
out of a sudden.
*tah apa-apa tah*

and there i was.
to my surprise.
they answered yes.and offered even more.

ah.
and in fact suggested to help cook for the day.
because trust me.
probably they read my expression well.
cooking for 20 other people would be the most horrific nightmare a neb could have.
yes. i hereby proclaim.
i am not good in serving big crowds.

and so.
i am awoken to a forgotten thought.
the key to great community .

hablum minnannas.

your balance relationship with the creations.

and without me realising it.
every time when we seek help.
we are not simply burdening the person.
but we are actually opening a door for them to be closer to Allah.
and that happens only if we do it for the sake of Allah.

and trust me.
i have nothing to offer them back.
besides a truck load of gratitude.
yet.
they are willing to help us still.
such great community i am living with .
Alhamdullilah.

may the filling of the  20ft container be easy.
and may Allah count their every sweat later in helping.

and. . . . .

may i put my shyness or probably ego a little aside.
next time.
because hey!
wouldn't it be nice to be the reason of someone else's chance to add up his/her good deeds.
and wouldn't it be nice to be the one getting it too.


dah.
tak payah nak malu-malu sangat tak kena tempat neb.
tak macho.
booooooooooo.

perfect clumsiness.

had a weird encounter.

' i am waiting for your next post. can't wait to read it'

coming from a stranger i clearly don't know.

and it dawned on me.

oh shoot! i got to really stop writing crap and  there i was thinking.

of all this while. i wrote because i got a really crappy memory .and by crappy .i mean really.

i am the type of person that needs to take photos and read things again and again so that i remember what i did.

and that is why i blog.
because i don't carry a diary around.
(i find it a waste of ink and trees)

and. . . .
suddenly.
when someone out of nowhere.
came to me and asking me when am i going to post something brilliant and worth reading.
(not that i ever did)

i am now all red.
embarrass over all the silly stuffs that i have written.

i really need to be more aware of my surrounding.
got to stop living in a bubble neb.

and this afternoon.
as i was checking my email.
received  another notification from blogspot.

of a deleted comment.
which i am still able to read.

and there i was grinning to myself.

some people in this world are just simply.
adorable.
simply.
adorable.

good to know that i am not the only silly and clumsy one.
here on earth .

and yes.
though i don't  even know whether you are still reading.

that one post.
yup.
that goes to you.
without even me realising it.

so.
to another known stranger.

FOCUS.

:)


ok. time to have some haya'  neb.
 some haya'.


if  strangers can view your life as easy as one click.
imagine Allah?

oh dear me.
 what a good tarbiyah today. :)

may Allah ease everything.

FOCUS.

2 brown boxes.

i am almost done with packing.
though i still have about 2 months to go.
yes.that is how OCD i am .
i just like things to be properly planned.


it didn't take long to finish really.
not at all.
and i realised. honestly  i have nothing much to bring back home.
3 years of  living here.
i only ended up packing 2 medium sized boxes for shipping.
one of it is clothing and the other is a box full of books.

and there i was thinking.
is that it?
is that all i own?
 for the past 3 years?

2 brown boxes of stuffs?

apart of me was actually loving the idea of having such little stuff to own.
but apart of me was in great curiosity.
where did all my stuffs go?

its either i have lost them without me realising it.
or all of this while  i just thought that i have so many things but actually in reality i ended up having a lot lesser.

oh well.

but.
in a way.
i do find its good to have less things in life.
it makes life easier somehow.
nothing to pull me back if i were to run ahead.
the less you own. the less worry you become.
and the thought of living my stuffs in a metal box for weeks traveling in deep sea thousands of miles away doesn't worry me much .
because apart of me knew that.
if i were to lose it.
i wont be losing much anyway.

oh.
how i am beginning to fancy this kind of lifestyle.
having things just enough.just in moderation .
just.as it is.

the best tarbiyah of being a student is always to be able to settle with the idea of simply.
less is more. in life.

how easy for me to see it now.
the beauty of simplicity actually  lies in between the border of having just.enough.
and it doens't take a truck load of materials to make us feel content and provided.
but the important bit is to value those little things we have along side with a truck load of gratitude for being able to even own.just a alittle.

and so.
with two medium boxes.
and oh.
a guitar. 
i shall soon end.
my single days of Liverpool.

may Allah fill me a house full of good things in Jannah later.
instead.

ameen.

 he-he. :)

a rotten apple for a ripen pear.

yesterday was a day of friends.
today is a day of friends.

oh i just love being surrounded with good people.

it makes me appreciate life better .
and its always a good reminder to know that .

whenever Allah takes away something or someone in your life.
He will replace it with something better .

and there will be times where i just feel so small to repay back what He has given.
a world of repayment can never repay even an ounce of His kindness.

i feel so blessed.

so.so.so.very blessed.

my heart is too small to contain the feeling of how lucky i feel at this moment.

years ago.
i lost some friends .
but i gained great companies with Allah as the reason.

years ago.
i let go of a familiar lifestyle.
for a transformed life with Allah as the purpose.

years ago.
few people were removed from my life .for good.
for a person that will come and soon change my life.
 and nothing but Allah as the main planner.


such compassionate He is.
and such forgetful i am at times.

these past few months have been extremely overwhelming.
i don't think i have ever been so happy like this.
family.
friends.
knowledge.
the ummah.

everything.
has been made with ease.

in spite of some little hiccups in between.


however.
it is truly different how you start to view life from the way Allah wants you to.
than to view life  from the way you think it is true.

the next few months ahead going to be even more interesting.
i hope.

a point of knowing that .
soon .
i shall not experience all these alone.
insyaAllah.  :)

open the gate for the right path o Allah.
i really want my end to be You.

in point of knowing.

to Jannah i chose you.

be it someone who i have just known for only months.

and to Jannah i ignore the rest.

be it a past i have known for years.

simply because.

it is Allah that i want.

and nothing else.

again.
to Jannah.
i chose you for a future.

leaving a past that was dragging me to hell.

:)

in two more months.
a new journey will be taken.
with such an unsure outcome.
but what ever it is.
i will keep Allah close.
for i have tasted the bitter of having Him a  far.

and i write this just to ease a worry of another lady.
oh dear.
please know.

my covenant is with Allah.
and never His creations.

and i have found  just the person.
that will be the limbs to assist my walk.
and wallahi he is not cripple.
insyaAllah.

what ever Allah decrees.

i submit fully.
never for me.
but for Him only.

o Allah.
submit me to you.
and make my heart white enough to light the dark path. 
for it is an agony to be in  the dark.

so don't you worry.
Allah has always been the best end point for all of us.
never His creations solely.
:)

my Jannah mates. insyaAllah.

had a wonderful evening today.

after weeks.
finally i get to join usrah again.

oh how i forgot the lovely feeling of being surrounded with knowledge and love.

such a gathering i shall definitely miss.

and so before i take my slumber. i thought i sit down and write a little bit before i will soon lose this memory.

3 years ago.
as i was about to go out.
going down the stairs.
passing a small room of a half opened door.

i heard some soft voices inside.
uttering stuffs of the Quran that i never knew of.

i stood by the door.
as my feet are ready to just take its steps and leave.

yet my ears are clung to the words.
in a room.
i happened to pass by.

and there i was.
introduced to the words of Allah.
for the very first time.
in a very different perspective.
beautiful.just as it is.

that was it.
my first of many sweet gatherings.


ah.
3 years ago.
it was.

and this evening.
would probably be the last usrah i will have.
as for now.
before i leave.

those people i have known for years.
the bond between us made in the sweetness of only for the sake of Allah.
the bond of my usrah mates.

oh how i adore them .

and this late evening i thought it would be only appropriate if i write about this last meet.

just a way for me to express my soon going-to-miss feeling.

this.goes out .
to them.
to my dear sisters.

__________________________________________________

And you did not kill them, but it was Allah who killed them. And you threw not, [O Muhammad], when you threw, but it was Allah who threw that He might test the believers with a good test. Indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing. [8:17]

a tadabbur was made. 

just the right kind of verse to end the beginning. 

had Allah not moved my feet down the stairs.
not let the door to be half opened.
not let me know them like i know them now.
not let me be adamant to know more.

had Allah not.

i would not end my day today.
with a final gathering of ilm.
with gems of the people.
again in a small room.
with the door half opened. 

and today we read the verse.
again.
and again.


'you did not kill them,but it was Allah who killed them.and you threw not.when you threw but it was Allah who threw'


nothing.
nothing in this world.
that we do.
independent of the will of God.
 controlled fully by our own will.
nothing.

how can it be.
when even our breath is not for us to own.

and that made me realise even more.
how dependent i am of Allah.

and how i am lucky to have been.

the tadabbur made was even longer.
 but i thought i would just share the  gist of it and what i got from it.

it is never the end product.
but always the first effort.
 that matters.

because.
at the end of the day.

Allah wins the winners through their efforts.
and even the efforts are the gifts from Allah Himself.

and nothing would make me feel even smaller
than to know that even to have an effort to win.
is subjected to His will.
and His will only. 

and if i am destined to fight.
let it be only for His cause.

Alhamdulllilah.

i had that.
for my usrah.

and so.
to my sweet sisters.

Uhibbukunna fillah :)

may Allah prepare each and everyone of you.
the best of Jannah .
and let our houses be next to each other in that land near to Allah.
insyaAllah.

ah.
i am going to miss them.

so tarbiyah for today.

move for Allah.
but know that it is His mercy that is moving you.

senyum.

went back.

took a time to relax.

switched the computer on.

opened a site.

scroll.scroll.scroll.click.scroll.

and smiled.

that feeling of knowing you are remembered.

simple little things.
just .like that.

thank you.

gembira betul.

i am happy.

really really really

really.
happy.

Alhamdullilah

So which of the favours of your Lord would you deny?
[55:42]

none.
i must not.

suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabis.

now.
2 more months and i'll be home.
insyaAllah. 

:)

baru macam ni dah gembira.

bayang kan kalau dapat jumpa Allah.
mesti tak terkira.
gembiranya.

Allahu . . . .  :)

to years of life.

helped a friend move out early this morning.

spent the whole night helping her to pack and laughing at how ridiculous it was for her to be all nostalgic about life to a point that she keeps even candy wrappers.

i can't believe she's going back already.
and a part of me just died a little bit .
probably it is the fact that i know that this whole thing is almost over.

packed some of my stuffs.
though i dont have any candy wrappers to keep.
(yes. i am the type that throws everything. i am not good at keeping stuffs)
and it dawned on me.

i am soon going to leave this place.
after many years of being here.

and yesterday when i went to the studio.
i cried a little bit inside.
the 5-year struggle is almost ending.

and i shall take a year break .
and God knows what is going to happen within that one year.

some part of me is telling myself to wait.
and hang around just a little bit more.
and some part of me is telling myself to just go back.
and face life like a man! . . ( ehem!. i mean a lady)

oh dear me.
NOW WHY DO I FEEL ALL  NOSTALGIC THIS MORNING :(

funny it is.

5 years ago.
i worked hard to stay away from a person.
 moved far away for a different life.
and now.
i am coming back to stay near  to a person.
packed up everything for a life.
( naaaaaa. its for the food actually.he-he)

and there i thought to myself.

how ironic life is.

indeed.

and how much greater Allah's plans are.

and how secured i feel.
that i have no one but Allah to plan it for me.

o Allah.
i put full trust on You.
You are the only one who will  never dissapointment.
and i feel lucky.
You let me find You.
and let me fall in love with You.

though in flaws.

whatever that is coming.
please don't let me mind what ever it is.
as long as it keeps me near You o Allah.


and so.
the only nostalgic piece i have right now.
is only my heart.

and may it be enough.
for the life ahead.

insyaAllah.

okay.menangis macam perempuan hilang kasut mahal.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

i shall miss you Liverpool sayang. :')

Alhamdullilah.

Alhamdullilah.

that would probably be the only word i could utter as the final drawing was pinned up.

and today.

is the day where the grieve of yesterday is replaced with the feeling of gratitude and relieve.

o Allah.

thank you for sparing me a great friend to help ease the day.

she stayed from morning till late afternoon to help me.

and i have no one else to thank but You.
please grant her Jannah.
 

and thank you for those small reminders You gave.

i could write a thousand words.

but why should i.

when i know You  can read minds.

I AM DONE . . . .  . . .weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Alhamdullilah .

and .

a little note to someone.
who might or might not be reading.


don't you worry.
i am alright.
insyaAllah 
i have the best Guardian of all.
after all. 
eh


less than two months to go.
insyaAllah.
:)

NAK-BALIK

look at that.just look at that.
50-more-days.

and i'll be home.

50 - - - - - more - - - - - - days.

SABAR LAH NEB.

sabar sikit boleh tak?

saaaaaaaaaaaaaaabar.

the bright sun is near.

yesterday was lovely.

spent the night before crying.
over failed attempt of printing.
had to waste such an amount of money for it.

oh another ordinary thing in architecture.
i felt bad.
imagine those every inch of the paper.
that could have been spent on a popper.
oh well.
all sustenance comes only from Allah.
and mine just so happen to be spared for a printing company who failed to perform.

oh well.

spent half a day after that trying to print again.
and indeed.
Allah is a big Helper.
finally.got what i want.
so yea. people may get nervous over other many things in life.
those 30 mins. of my life span while the paper comes out from the printing machine was among those most nerve racking moments.
and Alhamdullilah .

followed by a visit to the workshop .
surrounded by all those.
zombified kiasu doing work.
like-me.

and something happened.

stewy chewy, the workshop assistant came out.
saw me.
and tried to give a big high-five.
i responded.
with a big awkward apology.
'oh sorry stewy, i can't touch you .i am a muslim girl'

'what was that again no-rule?'

'oh.i can't high-five back. i can't touch a guy who is not related to me' ( well can't really find the best way to explain it to a scouser.so i gave the shortest answer instead )

'oh so i shouldn't ever try to hug you from the back or anything then?

'no stewy. don't. ever'

he nodded. smiled. and went away.



5 mins after that.

he came back.

'so no-rule. enlighten me. so what if its an emergency? lets say. you fell down a stair and i try to help you. will you be all angry  and push me away? or if you faint and somebody sees you and tried to help. would that be considered wrong? '

'oh no no . if its an emergency its alright stewy. my religion eases those who are in need'

'oh thats good to know!. its good ya know. having all these new infos.its like you are learning a new culture' ( culture so he says .hehe) . what else?

'oh. i can only touch my father. my brother.and my husband'

'oh. is that so? well good to know then'
and he left.
with a knowledge.

and there i was .gluing cardboards.

thinking . . .

oh shoot!!!
he must have thought i am married now!

opppsssss.

oh well.

i will be anyway.

someday.

so for now.

i am the married-asian-muslim-zombified looking girl to stewy.

oh .well.

and right after that.
i went out to town.and had a life.
embracing the sun.
and screwing architecture.

4-more-days.

and ah. . .
its lovely.
simply because.

i had to share yet another lovely thing about Islam.

preservation .
and modesty.

to a stranger.

o Allah.
cover me.
for the things that need to be covered.
and make me amongst those that are preserved  for the purity of Jannah.
and cleanse me from the dirt of yesterdays.

insyaAllah.

on aside note.

a sister of my usrah is going to undergo a medical treatment
i hope anyone reading this could spare her your du'a.
may Allah ease it and fix it. insyaAllah.

i hope all is well.