you came back! :D

we meet every year.
and every year you came.
each year you came.
its always my sadness that you tame.

its never a long visit.
a brief one.every time.
but you came.
nonetheless.
without shame.
i sit and wait.

i know.
i appreciate you never.
though i know too.
its always you.
that i remember.
if you still remember.
great fun.
it was last year.
you came.with packs of smiles.
pure joy. even for a while.

but.
when its over.
you just had to go.
we parted.
and the grief became me.
how i wish you would stay.
but you were never mine.
so you say.

i surrendered.
i let you walk away.
and i cried.though i never cried for you.
instead.you told me.
its okay. with Allah's will.
we'll meet again.
and i waited.
and waited.
and waited.
but you never came.

now.
after a long wait.
with hopes and cries.
a year full of ache.
finally.
in front of me.
you came.

you greeted.
Salam Neb.

with a smile i replied.
Salam to you too.

Ramadhan.  :)

pak cik Din dan soya aku

'oh.pak cik raya memang seorang-seorang.dekat sini lah'

'buka puasa nanti di Masjid'

bilang pak cik Din.

jatuh jantung aku sekejap.

tapi masih.aku senyum.

alahai pak cik.kalau lah kau tahu.

-------------

4 tahun lepas.

aku jalan gelak-gelak.

'faster lah wey.tuition starting soon.I NEED my soya.'

lari-lari kiteorang turun bawah.

tangga kasturi sempit.

pelajar banyak.

tapi aku ni kecil.

aku lalu jugak.

dalam kepala.

'aku mesti dapat soya aku!'

lari cepat-cepat  ke Petaling Street.

yer.masa tu belum ada bumbung cantik.

belum ade jalan cantik.

yang ada.semua kedai.

ah beng-ah beng.amoi-amoi jerit suruh beli.

haa.yang itu ada.dan masih ada.

tengah-tengah.kedai beg.kedai baju.kedai jam.

aku jalan laju.

'i must get my soya!'

lepas selit-selit.langgar-langgar.

sampai depan kedai soya.

'yes!.mission accomplished,5 minutes before class starts.faster woman!'

seringgit.lima .puluh.sen.

dan akhirnya.satu soya bungkus.milik aku.

'fuiyo!'

senyum lebar.

rasa puas.bila dapat apa yang aku mahu.

walaupun sebungkus soya bukan perkara yang besar.

tapi aku jalan jauh dengan kudrat aku.

jadi takde sebab untuk tak rasa suka.

'ok.we need to go now!'

laju.aku lari.

kawan dekat depan.aku dekat belakang.

'habislah.berpeluh lah masuk kelas macam ni.alaa.tak hot lah gini!'

berpeluh sakan.tapi kaki masih laju.

sambil lari.sambil minum.

aaaah.puas!

sampai depan 7 eleven.

lagi 8 langkah tangga kasturi.

aku berhenti.

Allah.

satu pak cik.

tadah tangan.

atas lantai.

dia minta duit.makanan.minuman.

apa saja.

dia minta.hidup.

sungguh.yang itu aku nampak.

sungguh.dia minta.maruah.

maruah yang baru.

'eh Neb.come!'

kawan yang dah dekat depan.

bilang suruh cepat.

tapi aku berhenti.

dalam hati minta sangat-sangat

'tolong lah ada duit lagi dalam kocek skirt ni.tolonglah!'

puas aku cari.

sayang.

yang tinggal hanya sepuluh sen.

'adoi! lagsi betul lah!.time gini lah semua duit hilang macam angin'

sungguh.dengan rasa segan.

ketar-ketar aku hulur tangan.

sepuluh sen itu jugak yang aku letak perlahan lahan.

Allah.

dia minta maruah baru.aku hanya beri sepuluh sen?

sungguh.maruah dia bukan harga yang itu.

sungguh.maruah dia lebih!

aku diam.tunduk malu.

maaf pak cik.bukan aku tak mahu.

tapi aku tak ada.

sungguh.memang tak ada.

dalam hati aku cakap.

'janji pak cik! lepas habis kelas nanti.saya turun.bawak lagi.'

yang itu.memang aku janji.

tapi.

bila turun lagi.

pak cik dah pergi.

sedih aku sendri-sendiri.

nak buat macam mana.dah bukan rezeki.

esoknya

ada kelas.

lagi sekali.aku kalut sebuk carik soya.

macam kalau tak ada soya.tak boleh belajar.

tah hape2 tah.

lagi sekali.aku lari.lagi sekali. aku berhenti.

eh.pak cik yang sama!

wah! ni memang rezeki!

cepat-cepat aku hulur seringgit.

aku sangka.

'yes.kali ni puas.dapat beri'

dengan seringgit aku sangke.

oh.makanan.minuman.

maruah baru!

semua dia akan dapat!

tapi sungguh.

aku bodoh.

dalam 7 eleven aja.

seringgit tak boleh beli apa-apa.

nak beli air soya aku pun.belum cukup seringgit yang itu.

alaaaaahai.

'masih belum cukup Neb.masih belum!'

malam tu juga.

aku duduk.

aku minta.

puas puas aku minta.

walau tahu.dahi ini jarang sekali mahu sujud.

tapi aku tetap mahu minta.

sebab kalau bukan pada Dia.dekat siapa lagi aku nak minta?

perlahan dalam hati aku bilang.

kalau boleh. beri aku apa adanya Allah.

tolong.beri aku apa saja.untuk aku beri pada dia.

dia.dia.dia.dia.dia dan dia-dia yang lain.

biar mereka tak kenal lagi erti lapar.

biar mereka lupa penat terlantar.

biar mereka rasa.maruah yang mahal.

sungguh.biar mereka.

rasa.

memang masa dulu.

tak pernah lagi terlintas.

apa itu erti memberi.

aku sangka.hidup ini dah cukup mudah.

dah cukup selesa.

dapat segala yang aku minta.

yang murah.yang mahal.

semua aku ada.

tapi.

aku lupa.

aku mungkin bahagia.

tapi banyak lagi yang sengsara.

sedih.pada diri.

alahai. cetek nya hidup.

kalau sekadar sesuap nasik.

aku perlekeh kan.

bayang kan ramai yang kebulur.

meminta-minta.

kalau tak sesuap nasik.

setengah pun mungkin dah cukup pada mereka.

jadi.

aku berhenti.

berhenti untuk rasa bangga dengan dunia.

yang konon aku jaja.

dari sini ke sana.

dari akhir.ke mula.

aku berhenti.

ya Allah.

biar kau sedarkan aku selalu.

bila mana aku lupa dan tak mahu.

wujudkan lah rasa malu.

malu dengan bongkak ku.

malu dengan kikir ku.

malu dengan dunia ku.

biarlah aku terus beri.

beri.beri.dan memberi.

biar sampai maruah pak cik yang itu.

jadi lebih mahal dari maruah aku sendiri.

4 tahun.sudah.pergi.

masih.ramai lagi yang meminta.

masih ramai lagi yang sengsara.

dan kadang-kadang.

masih lagi aku terlupa.

yang Pak cik Din.

itu hari aku jumpa.

juga.adalah.mereka.

dan esok lusa.

mungkin aku jadi juga mereka.

alahai.

percayalah.

kehidupan manusia antara sesama manusia itu.

adalah ujian dan nikmat dari Allah.
kalau kita saling menyukar kan.kita adalah ujian untuk sesama kita.dan kadang kala.kita gagal.
kalau kita saling menyenangkan.kita adalah nikmat yang tak terhingga.dan kadang kala.kita lupa.
sungguh.kita memang kena sedar.sebaik baik manusia.adalahmanusia yang paling bermanfaat pada manusia yang lain.

so make our every breath.worth.for another person who is also breathing. 

biar.nafas aku yang ini.jadi nafas Pak cik Din.lain hari. 

insyaAllah.

Who is he that will lend to Allah a goodly loan so that He may multiply it to him many times? And it is Allah that decreases or increases (your provisions), and unto Him you shall return. 

[2:245]

photo by Umar Mita.my new favourite photographer.he-he.

something small for something big.

i would settle down.

with just.
being steadfast in those 5 times prayers.

with just
being steadfast in those 30 days of fasting.

with just
being steadfast in covering my head.

with just
being steadfast in being a decent daughter.

i would settle down.

for that.and.
just.that.

but.
for the things that i wished for.

He gave.even more.

and sometimes i wonder.

am i even worth.the honour?

this soul? this sinner soul? this trash?
on the path of enlightenment?
are you sure?

again. i uttered.countless uttering.

seriously.i would settle down.
with just.
the lowest point of heaven.
somewhere just right above hell.
just the least.
not too hot nor too cold.just for me to bare.

yes.even that.it would be fine.

but oh.no.no.no.
You held my heart.and You squeezed it hard.
ask more.You said.
and from there.
i did.

again.i would settle down with just that.
with just a Muslim as a title.
a title to hold.
nothing more.and nothing less.
really.that's what i've been told.

but again.You offered.
more than i bargained.
still.without fail.
ask MORE.You said.
and subconsciously.i did.

drowned in my own sins.
You pulled me out.
a Saviour that i yelled for.
silently in the darkest pit.
and You came.
each time.
anywhere.anytime.

again.i thought.

so little that i asked.
not a sign of  dare.
to all Your Might.and to all Your Power.
but just a sign of shame.
to my endless long sins.

really.truly.really.
i asked so little.
but You gave even more.

i asked You.to let me pray.
and You opened my heart.
to the things You say.

i asked You.to let me fast.
and You opened my heart.
to the wonders of hunger and thirst.

i asked You.to let me cover.
and You opened my heart.
to the miracles of modesty.

honestly.i did not ask for a different path.
something simple.something.in the middle.
but no.
You gave me more.

Tarbiyyah.
You gave me instead.

oh.indeed.thank you.Allah.

 Do they seek other than the religion of Allah (the true Islamic Monotheism - worshipping none but Allah Alone), while to Him submitted all creatures in the heavens and the earth, willingly or unwillingly. And to Him shall they all be returned. 
(  سورة آل عمران  , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter 3, Verse 83)

a letter to my future self.

Dear Neb.

i'm writing to you now with a high hope.that someday.
when you lose your way. these are the words that you would be reading.
may Allah guide you to these virtual words that i kept safe for you.

in the name of Allah.and so i begin. . . .


to you my dearest Neb.
please may you still be in the comfort and warmth of Allah.
while these words accompany you.one letter at a time.
-

Neb. once.i told you.and i shall tell you again.
too far have you gone now.will you not see?
too far off to make the starting line seems vague.
too far off to take that step backward.
and
too far off to be stoping for a break.

and so.if you ever fortuitously dismiss this journey from your mind.

close your eyes tight.and remember.well.

all those emptiness you used to have?
all those endless questions with no answers?
all those sleeps with tears still not dried?
and.
all those confusions that scarfed your soul bit by bit?

remember those.

. . . . .


and now.
remember these.

for each and every empty space you have in your hollow heart.
Allah came.and filled it.
so have you no shame and deny it?

for all those questions dangling in your mind.unanswered.
Allah came.and spared you the answers.
so have you no shame and yet deny it?

for all those sleeps that you fail to smile for.
Allah did come.and guarded your soul still.
so have you no shame and still deny it?

and

for all those unheard confusions.that became a friend.
Allah vanished it.in a brief swept.it went away.
so have you no shame and must you deny it?

oh dear Neb.
your soul is young.
an unseasoned traveller.
a fresh first breath.
that is what you are.

so overwhelmed yourself not.
if you trip. remain poise.
if you fall.stand up.
because. there is no perfect joy.nor will there be perfect misery.
in life.

so please.
do not remove the light that lightens the darkness with your own hands.
do not pray for an easy life. if the hard ones are the ones that made you who you are.
and do not.forget

to just.simply.just.
be.



grateful.

with love and countless care,
yourself. 

bicara yang tertunggak.

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.you were dead.

because how can u be dead.

if you are still in my head?

i would tell u  i lied.

if i tell you.im in your heart.

because for somebody who is dead.

you have no heart.

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.you have tried.

because.if you really did.

in my heart.you won't be dead.

i would tell you i lied.

if i tell you.you are my pride.

because.how can i be proud.

for somebody who is dead?

i would tell you i lied.

if i tell you.it wasn't hard.

because how can it be easy.

if there are things left unsaid?

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.i am sad.

because how can i be.

if without you.

that's when i found.
God.

untuk benda yang jarang jarang kita sedar.
dan jarang jarang kita peduli.
yang terhilang itu.mungkin lebih baik dari ada.
jadi senyum.sungguh.bukan untuk yang lain.
tapi untuk  diri sendiri.yang masih lagi ada.

oh Allah.will you smile back?

i have been lazy. that i have to admit. lazy to move my fingers.to think of words in my brain.to share my feelings and my thoughts.and most of all. to work for Allah. i have been lazy.yes. that i admit.
and that is why.i write less.and i share less.each of every time.because.blindly i thought.i shall not be judged.
so. yes.this is my confession.after weeks of disappearing into the midst of naf's and flaws of  the world.oh wallahi!i have wronged Allah.and cheated His time.so hear out my confession dear creations of God.so that insyaAllah you will not be amongst me who wasted His blessing of breaths.

In the name of Allah.the Most Merciful and the Most Forgiving.

Far have i travelled now.too far to look back and turn.but my pace is getting slower.and i dragged my feet instead of running fast.nothing is pulling me back except my own heart.it was hard to remove the black dots but it is also I who blackens it again. In the process of changing from the state of ignorance to a state of knowing.the purpose behind it all was blurred.and i hide behind my religion.cheating my thoughts and telling myself.yes.this is for Islam.and this is for Allah. but oh. how much i have been fooled by myself.
i lost the real purpose of it along this long journey.and i single handedly displaced my intention without even knowing it. how subtle it was. even my mind was cheated. and now. i dont merely blame syaitan.i blame myself too.very much.

So there i was.walking sluggishly.dragging my feet towards God as if i was forced to do it.and for a moment.i stopped.and there it was. that big question.the one that i refused to look at.because i know.i will cheat my way out for an answer. WHY DID YOU REALLY CHANGE? slowly i whispered trying hard to unswallow the answer.
 .'for Allah'. i said.
Not daring enough to shout it out loud.because my heart knows and He knows. that i have altered my own intention.and i have included the filth of the world in this so called pure journey that i claimed i embarked on.oh my. right then i knew. my heart is still very black. the shade has not changed at all.
because every time i try to brighten it. i removed the light with the false intention i have.the intention to please humans.instead of Allah. oh Allah. indeed i have served you with hypocrisy.
and so. i took a moment to revert my intention. and to understand that. my faith has levels.and sometimes it can go up so high that it touches the sky and sometimes it can abate.even lower than the deepest point in the earth.and for every time that happens,i must not divert from the real purpose. the purpose to smile to Allah one day and to have Him smiling back to me.insyaAllah.

Now. after a hard hit on the head.i have awaken from a slumber of laziness. and i shall keep on walking this journey even if i have to drag my face.i shall insyaAllah. after all. if its not for His mercy.i would not even have the taste of life.even for a second.

that black box changed me.silently.

masyaAllah.masyaAllah.masyaAllah.my heart teared.captivated by the moment.as these eyes laid its view on the most surreal view of all.this is it.the place i direct my body and my soul to.5 times in a day.thousands of miles away.25 brief minutes of 24 hours in a day,a minute portion i take to have that sacred conversation with You.this. is. the.place.this.is.it.this is. Kaaba'

walking towards it.silently.i spoke.knowing with all my heart.He hears.
 'Thank you' i said.

thank you for welcoming this sinner soul.
thank you for still wanting me even if the whole world doesn't.
thank you for giving me that chance that i don't deserve.
thank you for listening even though i worth not the listen.
thank you for looking over me even if i don't know.
thank you for staying for each and every time i walked away.
thank you for having the patience for all the patience that i own not.
thank you for being the Saviour when i needed one.
thank you for always giving me the faith that i have given up on.
and thank you.
for wanting me over and over again.even if You don't need me.

i would write even longer.i could if i want.but i would know.no word would suffice the experience and the pleasure i have gone through.so i decided.to let it be a secret.between Him and I.because silently.i have changed.and it would be enough if He is the only One that knows it.

until i see you again oh dear Kaaba'.because to be near you.keeps Allah close to me.insyaAllah.

tiny people with big hearts.

Last weekend couldn't be more wonderful than it should have been.i always think of myself as some one who has the least capability to interact with kids.maybe because apart of me know that i still want to be a kid.and having to interact with another will be a point of backbiting my own ego.

yes.true story.

however.seeing those kids on the beach.screaming and smiling made my heart grew bigger.and if there is a point in life where im destined to have kids.i know just the right kind of kids that i want. those.who appreciates life and live life as it is.the ones that understand life is an on going gift from God.

so ya.heres to many more of great encounters with wonderful people. :) 

an end of a backpacking.

long have i travelled. a stagnant travelling where my body is not moving.whilst my soul travelled the world.and after a long travel.its time to come back.to feel the ground beneath my feet.and to realise my head is still under a sky.months ago.i decided to stop.and venture on another journey.it was not pointless nor was it fruitful altogether.and so.here i am.back to where i begin.to realise.that submission to God knows no pause.
so peaceful greetings to all.

after taking a different route.for the sake of wanting to taste the sweetness of travelling.
one particular thing that i realised is that.
the more i try.the harder it gets.
and even though i convinced myself that i have not changed.
i have.
and along the way.i forgot who i used to be.and how people used to perceive me as.
and so.it becomes harder to live a life from a past.and for the future.
because no matter how much i have changed.from the eyes of the humans.
my past actions will still be the key for others to label.
i get frustrated at times.not knowing how to act.because.deep down inside.i forgot who i used to be.
and i forgot that even if i see myself differently.i feel myself differently.others may not be on the same page.
and so.i divide myself into two. a half that wants to be good.and another half that is familiar to all.
no.don't get me wrong.i am not mentally unwell. im just trying to harmonise myself in between seas of people.
and along the way of trying to entertain the world.
i forgot.that its not the world that i should take into account so much.
its God.that should have been the main aim.
and so i tell myself.
what ever world. its not you that i fear after all. its God.
and yes.im back punching keyboards.because.that's what i do best.  :)

backpacking.

i'll be away for a while.
nothing will be written after this post.
not because i dismiss this job to my God.
but because i know He has better plans for me.

my words are His.
and for now its not meant to be written here.
may we all find peace in this world we call life.

salam.

alahai.

mahu jerit terlolong.
biar orang tahu meminta tolong.
biar sekalian tahu.
berat apa atas bahu.
hari ini.dongak tinggi.
sibuk mencari Ilahi.
tika semua jauh dari hati.
baru tersedar semacam gini.

alahai.diri.
bila hilang.baru sibuk mencari Tuhan.
bila senang.baru lupa adanya Tuhan.

alahai.malu.
pada Kau Rabb.
bicara semacam munafik.
hari ini begini.
esok hari lain yang bunyi.
untung untung Kau buat nya taubat.
dalam sakit sakit masih ada yang terubat.

alahai.malu.
ulang ulang maaf yang sama.
sesal semantara.
esok kembali yang sama.
sampai ada yang terlupa.

alahai.dunia.
kenapa perlu cantik belaka?
punca segala alpa.
nak dibanding syurga.
jauh kaki dari kepala.
tapi kenapa bukan syurga yang diminta?

alahai.manusia.
pusing pusing kemana mana.
tak kan terjumpa.
tanah yang tak berpunya.
kenapa perlu ulang dosa yang sama?
jika tahu tanah kaki terpijak rata.
sudah tentu bukan kita yang punya.

alahai Tuhan.
sungguh Kau Ihsan.
penuh belas kasihan.
makhluk sebegini rupa.masih Kau kahsiankan.
sungguh kalau nanti aku jauh dan tak pulang.
harap nanti Kau titip kan ajaran.
biar sedar diri aku ini hanya daging yang bertulang.

--------------------------------------

kadang kadang kita rindu semacam.
tapi tak tahu kenapa.
haaaa..itu rindu Tuhan namanya.

alahai Tuhan.
Rindu lah.

jangan ambil barang aku.pinjam sahaja.

hey kau si peminjam.
yer kau.
kau yang meminjam waktu.
nafas.harta.hidup.
beradab lah seperti peminjam.

nanti suatu masa.
pulangkan.
segala apa yang diberi dulu.
yang dulu bersih dan baru.
ingat nanti dipulangkan.
juga harus begitu.

jadi apa kau buat hey peminjam.
kenapa kau kotorkan apa yang dipinjam.
sudah kau lupa adab meminjam?
atau mungkin.
memang kau bongkak.
lupa siapa di atas ketika mendongak.
ingat.
besar beza antara pinjaman dan milik.
sungghu berhentilah menyangka semua itu mutlak.semua itu hak.
sebab mata yang melihat.
suara yang keluar.
telinga yang mendengar.
tangan yang mengangkat.
kaki yang melangkah.
akal yang memikir.
dan hati yang merasa.
itu pinjaman.

jadi hey peminjam.
jaga kan kau.
apa yang bukan milik kau.
kerana nanti.
Rabb kau akan menuntut.
ketika kau berlutut.
sungguh.tak akan
kau berani untuk katakan.
Ya Rabb.itu.ini aku yang punya.
sedangkan.
nyawa itu juga.
bukan kau yang punya.

jadi berhenti bongkak.
jagalah apa yang dipinjam.
yang dipinjam akan diminta pulang.
biarlah senyum senang.
nanti bila ditanya.
di depan simpang syurga dan neraka.
apa telah kau jaga itu semua?
maka termampu untuk menjawap ya.

-----------------------------------
ini entri.untuk diri sendri.
yang selalu selalu bongkak.
dan kadang kadang kedekut.harta.masa.dan nyawa.

bilang apa itu rajin?

itu hari ada orang bilang.
Neb rajin itu apa.
aku gelak besar dalam hati.
ironik.sedangkan aku yang disebalik.
bilang aku sendiri.
rajin itu subjektif.
apa yang kita lihat rajin.
orang lain mungkin tidak.
jadi aku jawap kan balik.
asal kita tahu masa ini bukan milik.
dihitung setiap detik.
maka.
duduk duduk sahaja.
tidak mungkin menyenangkan.
tingkah laku yang tak bermakna.
mungkin sahaja tak menggembirakan.
saat kita rasa begitu.
saat itulah kita tahu.
itulah rajin.
kawan.

milik kau.aku.dan kalian.

post ringkas.

percayalah dakwah itu bukan milik yang bertudung labuh.
bukan milik yang berserban bersih.
dan bukan milik yang berakal lebih.

ia.

milik semua.
tanggungjawab semua.

sediakan apa yang boleh dibicara.
bila nanti Tuhan tanya.
apa jasa mu pada dunia.
dan sungguh.
indah nanti.
jika dijawab.
sungguh.dakwah ku.Allah.... :)

ini dan itu.milik Aku.

hari ini aku rasa macam nak berbahasa melayu.
sebab aku melayu.
biar lah berterabur bahasa.
macam biji tasbih terputus.
aku tak peduli.
sebab aku tulis bukan untuk meraih minat.
tapi untuk cerita apa sebenar ada di hati.

hari ini.bangun dengan hati remuk,kecai,gelisah,susah,sempit.
dan itu semua berlaku tanpa sebab.
memang benar lah kata Tuhan.
milik aku semua yang ada.
termasuk hati yang ada dalam dada.
jadi hari ini Tuhan bukti kan.
Dia sempit kan dunia buat sementara.
saat mata mahu mula mengenal dunia.
sebagai bukti.
Aku lah Pemilik hati.
jika sempit mahu Ku maka sempit lah ia.
jika lapang maka lapang lah ia.
kun fa ya kun kataNya.
tapi tidak apa.aku anggap saja
ini peringatan pada seorang hamba.
saat kau mahu mulakan hidup.
sebelum sempat menghirup.
udara keliling
berdarjah sifar.
maka Aku ingat kan.dunia ini milik Aku.
dan sedarlah.
tidak perlu gempitan bom.
tidak perlu tangisan bayi.
tidak perlu kelaparan.
tidak perlu kemiskinan.
tidak perlu kesakitan.
jika Dia mahu itu semua.
akan diberi walaupun dalam keselamatan.
dalam keselesaan selimut yang hangat.
dalam keadaan yang senang lenang.
dalam kemewahan.
dalam kegembiraan.
sebab Dia itu Tuhan.
dan Dia punya kuasa.
jadi aku bangun juga.
walaupun berat rasa.
sebab aku tahu.
aku seorng hamba.
dan itu bukan pilihan aku.
jadi untuk Rabb yang jauh di atas sana.
yang selalu mendengar.
dalam apa bicara.
walau jauh senyap di dalam dada.
terima kasih untuk peringatan pagi ini.
moga Kau mudahkan yang selebihnya.
biar aku tertonggeng jatuh di dunia.
sekarang.
tapi bukan dalam hidup selepas dunia.
nanti karang.

insyaAllah.....

of kneeling and putting my hands up.

this post was supposed to be a post of many days before.
but again.i am not dhar (time).and i rule it not.
therefore.after waking up from a slumber of yet another cold morning.
i shall grab this chance before the world overwhelms me.again.
so.what i am about to write is something that has been lingering far too long in my head.
and to contain it just within the hemisphere of my brain.is something that i intend not to.
therefore.here goes.another ranting of mine.that i pray would somehow become beneficial to myself.and to the one reading.
insyaAllah.

DU'A. (supplication)

a single verb.that holds many secrets and reasons behind it.
for the past few days now.i have been struggling to understand the meaning of du'a.
after a while now.will i only realise that du'a is something so familiar yet so foreign to me.
something i have grown closer to whenever hardship and grieve make a visit.
and when a need is wanted.
yet.something that i fail to understand.

since child.
i have been taught.
by almost everyone i know.
mostly by dear mom and dad.
to make du'a whenever i feel sad.
and when ever i want something in life so bad.
be it as simple as a sunny day.
or as crucial as good results in the exams.
for all that.
i was told.to make du'a.

and i did.
i make du'as
everytime i need something.
everytime i want something.
everytime i am in grieve.
even when i just want to smile.
but sadly.
those actions i did .
of kneeling and putting my hands up.
deep down inside.
i did not understand.
and at one point.i question.
why...why..and why do i even try?

why do we make du'as?
to whom we make it to?
for it to be granted to what extend of amount of du'as do we have to take?
is there any limit to du'as we make?
and how do we know whether its true or fake?

those questions i have.was kept deep down inside a dark vault.
the fear of not being able to ask around.
made me a human full of doubts.
until one day.a day full of wants and needs.i finally decided to open it up.
to try to answer the questions.
and to finally understand.

that day began,last 3 days ago.
the day that was full of wants and needs.
the day that i realised.the many things.
that i still want to have.and to own.
and so i kneeled and i put my hands up.
i began my du'a,i tried hard.
but a day went by.and another did.
and the du'a i made.
was not answered.
and i became disappointed.

because of that day.
finally.it clicked to my mind.
what makes a du'a a real du'a?

that became the question of all the questions i had.
and to understand everything.i must first understand this.
and i searched.and i asked.and i even googled.
but still i was very far from understanding it.
and i thought.hey.maybe i should make a du'a.
a du'a to understand the meaning of du'a itself.
and i did.
and during that du'a i made.
was the moment of me.
understanding.all the du'as in life i made before.

and i realised.at that instant.
all the former du'as i made were shallow.
why is that so?
its because.
it was not deep enough.
it was not sincere enough.
it was not true enough.

because when every time i make one.
i was
only partially convinced by it.
only partially putting my reliance on it.
only partially sincere about it.

and the reason for all that.
is because.i put so little faith in God's power.
i gave Him such little credit in actually making my du'as more than just du'as.
and to think that,the du'a of this sinful self will not be heard when the fact is...He is.the Hearer of all.

maybe that is why my du'a was not answered.because.
when i made it.
i was not putting the full trust
that God has all the power in Him to make it happen.

and that became a realisation.
that.when ever i make du'a.i am not just asking for my wants and needs.
i am actually submitting to the idea of
putting everything in His hands.
giving everything to His hands.
and hoping.that He will receive it with open hands.
i am actually.submitting.

and from there too i realised.
its not the issue of wether my du'a is accepted or not.
its actually the idea of acknowledging that God has all the power in Him to do anything.
even the things that are beyond our understandings.
if we just put our hands up.and make the du'a
with so much faith.hope.and reliance.
even the most impossible du'a to us.will not seem impossible.
because if it is His will.it is.
'kun fa ya kun' (Be.and it is!)

so.now only i comprehend.
the phrase.'du'a is a weapon for the human race'
because.it is.
and if it is a weapon.use it as a weapon.
and not as a minor tool we use when there's nothing else we can do.
because du'a is not the last resort.
it is the first effort.

and if it is not being answered the way you want it.
take the sweetness of submission from the action of du'a that you made.
because every action we do that involves God in it.
is sweet.


so.from that day onward.because of that realisation.
i began to appreciate du'a .
more than just verses i read after my prayers.
but instead a conversation with God and i.
telling Him.i am making my du'a because there is only You who listens to everything.
and there is only You who has the say on everything.


and so.my days of endless conversation with God.began.
to end this.i pray.with full of hope.trust.faith.and reliance.
'ya Allah jangan putus kan aku dari terus berdoa'
amin.

And your Lord says :' Call on Me; I will answer your (prayer)...
(Mu'min/Ghafir 40:60)