some people are just. people.

i began writing this entry today.

with an intention.

an intention full of fury.

a statement that should have been made to portray a certain dissatisfaction.

but.

as i was about to write it.

i realised. 

if i were to really put it in words.

it would only be a waste.

of every ounce of my energy.

of every ounce of my thoughts and feelings.

so i took a moment of silence.

to realise that.

hey dearself.

why bother being upset over something that is so vile and empty.

so minute.and so meaningless.

and so.

i opened the Quran.

as advised by my husband.

and Allah.being the forever Wise.

gave an advice.

worth learning.

'And whoever avenges himself after having been wronged - those have not upon them any cause [for blame]. The cause is only against the ones who wrong the people and tyrannize upon the earth without right. Those will have a painful punishment.And whoever is patient and forgives - indeed, that is of the matters [requiring] determination.' -Asy-Syura 41-43

and there it was.

a direct advice.

an advice that only fools would turn away.

and so i thought to myself.

why bother?

forgive instead.

some people are just worth the bliss of not being noted.

some people.are just.

people.

and so.

the fury.the anger.

turned into mere pity.

and disappointment.

pity.

of those who uses words just as mere words.

without truly understanding it.

of even greater pity.of being shadowed by ignorance.

of a dishonest paraphrasing.

and of false pretence.

simply.

disappointed.

that my words are being used for nothing but  quotations in  captions that do not give any meanings to it.

of simply alphabets lined together to accompany deceitful images.of merely pretentious thoughts and feelings.

simply.

a childish game.

of a meaning lost in translation. 

of my failure to convey my writings.

as it should be conveyed and understood.

and so.

i forgive.

because.

i have better things to care about.

of world hunger.

of war crimes.

of a higher meaning in life.

and so.

to a last thought that would not last long enough.

i forgive.

because i am too happy.

to care.

if you feel the prick of the needle in your heart.then its probably about you.

so i asked my husband.
what shall i write?

and his reply was.

'dear.psycho.please stay away'

far from being poetic.
just simple.
short.
and precise.
i have to admit.

but.

i am far from being simple.short.and precise.

i am more of a winding road that gets you to your destination.
after countless of hours and immense frustration.

simply.
winding.


after seeking the wisdom from the wise husband.
i have decided to simply do it my way.
instead.

after all.what better being than to be myself.
and write like myself.


so.here it is.
my winding way of saying things.
and i hope its poetic enough to not be perceived as hatred.


dear you.

my words are never mine.
the alphabets that line itself to form words.and then followed by sentences.

those.
are never mine.

but.
the thoughts.
the feelings.
that became the reasons behind the words.
those.
are.

mine.

no amount of praise.
nor condemn.

would be of interest.
for i write.
for my thoughts.
and my feelings.

i write for me.

as a reminder for my later days.
of whom i have become.
and of whom i was.

therefore.
dear you.
this is for you.
to take heed.
just some few humble tips.


it is very ignoble of one.
to copy bit by bit.

of my feelings and thoughts.
to suit thy.

and make it yours.

like i said.

i do not own my words.
so.
neither do you.

i humbly inform that it is alright to read and to feel.
after all ,all our souls are created to connect.
what i write.
might be felt.
by him.her.or them.

but to repeat.
each of my thoughts and feelings.
down to the very end.

and make it yours.

that is simply.
very.

inelegent.

of you.

so share as you may.
i don't mind.
but don't do it so blatantly.
till you forget.
that those thoughts and feelings.
are never yours.

to parade so freely.

it is indeed far from classy.

very far indeed.



p/s : i get notifications every time my writings are being used without me knowing.the wonders of technology.it informs.without you seeking.just so you know.

the stranger i married.

the other night.

i couldn't sleep well.

my mind became this wondrous land that i wish i would have not visited.

something was bothering me.
but what bothered me more was that i was clueless of what it is.

a maze of grieve.

unanswered by a question that was never asked.


and as i was sighing in the silent night.

i looked to my right.

and there he was.

silently asleep.

so beautiful.
that i forgot  all about my meaningless grieve.

for a second.
life was all good again.

and it dawned on me.

it has been more than half a year now.
of loving this beautiful creature that laid rest beside me.

months  have flown by.

until loneliness is no longer a feared disease.
but rather a pseudo idea.

and yet.
i failed to sleep with ease.

that night.

i don't know what is more frightening.
to leave.or to be left.

but a month from now.

distance will be a painful barrier.
and not being able to see you when i turn to my right every night.

would bring somber to the heart.

but.

it took me a while.
before realising it.

that marriage is not just about having your partner near.

but to still love each other.
even when distance becomes the great barrier.


and what a complex puzzle it was that night became a simple notion.

that.
what i was feeling.

was a feeling of simply missing you.


even.
before we part.

so here's to you my dear
to the one i adore.
to the stranger i married.
may distance be yet another reason.
to miss you even more.

happy-almost-annivesary.
love.

we share the same clay.

so much hate.

so much terror.

just.
horror.

nothing but sadness that overwhelms a brief breath of happiness.
gone within the spirit of joy.

as death toll rises.
and as hearts become harder.

death.
is nothing but a child's play.

its essence is lost.
between mountains of lies.

simply because.
we are humans.

and we think.
we are great.

so as for today.
this entry.
today.

will be about love.
and nothing.
but love.

a moment to share.
of a great reminder.
that hey humans.
we could love too.
even to a stranger.
because despise it as you may.
to the idea that we are.
we are all made up of clay.
and that very clay.
we share.

soul mates.

I don't know how you are so familiar to me-or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering  who you are.How every smile ,every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before-in another time,a different place-some other existence.

-Lang Leav

a stranger.

the cries of thousands of miles.

months have passed.

so foreign i have become.
to my own words.

life has caught me indeed.
intertwined in between webs.
trapped.


just a few days back.
i groused to my husband.
of how much i long to write again.
of how words have made me close to being a human.
rather an empty vessel that floats in between thousands.

but never since then i had the will to spill any words.
waiting for something.
something i have not known.surely.
an inspiration?
an epiphany?
an adventure?

simply.
just something.

and without those.
i delay.
just another day.
just to be even more estranged.
to the alphabets of life.
my life.

until today.
as i woke up.
too early for suhoor.
and too late for another slumber.

i grabbed my phone.
and saw the numerous statuses and shares.
of the concerns of others.
of our brothers and sisters.
strangers by blood.
but closer by hearts.

the Gazans.

miles away i am from them.
but it feels like their cries are only an inch away.
too far to do anything.
yet too near to be ignored.

and i felt this sudden ache.
this sharp ache.
in the heart.
not sure whether it was just anger.
or simply.just a moment of downer.
in the middle of a silent night.

i was simply.
in pain.

the silent dua's i made are between my Lord and i.

but this entry today.
the first of months of complete silence.

goes out to them.

of shared griefs .
of shared cries.




May Allah grant the highest Jannah to the martyrs of Gaza.
May Allah grant us the highest Jannah.to be near them.

Ameen.

of a light long gone.

ripped from the body.
of a sinner's soul.
and as it departs.
the heart cries silently.
of a light long gone.
--------------------------

it has been ages since i caress these letters on this plastic keyboard.
to play with words and to tease life.
to simply just write.and be me.
for once.
hidden away from reality.

there is still a child in me.
hidden somewhere deep beneath.
honestly.
too far have i gone.
of all the laughter and the smiles.
there is still that small crooked child.
longing to choose whiteness in life.
of goodness in nature.
yet.

the world is too canny.
for all of us  not to be fooled.

the darkness that lies beneath the sugarcoat sweetness.
is too small to be noticed by the naked eyes.
that blindness i possess.
made me nothing but a bug.
trapped on a spider's web


oh.
how different it was months ago.
and months ahead.it will be.
and somehow.
i'd rather choose pain.
then to be devoured by pseudo happiness.

sometimes.
i look back.
and tell myself.
where have i gone to?

may Allah remove the web that is trapping my wings.
and let me fly again.
and this time around.
even higher.
for indeed.
i do not want to be crying.
as my soul is ripped away from the numb body. 

young love.

sometimes when we talk about young love.
the thought of highschool /college crush monkey love will usually come to mind.

of late night texting.
of lovey dovey emoticons.
of cute pink (or blue) letters hidden under the school desk (awaiting to be found by the disciplinary teacher)
of going to cinemas at 11 in the morning and having Mcd for lunch
and not to mention . . .

of those tornado with a slight pinch of typical soap drama fights (most of the time)

yup.
that crossed most of our minds (well at least mine) amongst many others when we talk about 'young love'.
ah . . .
those were the days .
of claiming hormonal imbalance and immaturity as LOVE .
yes.

the young love.

however.
NOW
as i am leaving that phase of life. (probably have left)
not being too mindful to realise.
that.

love itself has been redefined.
subconsciously.

just in few more months .
i am soon to be someone's other half. (insyaAllah) .
and as i reevaluate my thoughts and feelings.
i have come to a point of understanding.
that 'hey!. probably that familiar 'young love' i have come to known. has grown  so much to become a 'mature love' a lady or a gentleman of its own  '

of simply wanting to  be selfless in spite of  being given the opportunity to choose selfishness. 
of making sure. that happiness could only be attained when the other party is happy.
of simply knowing that.
this time around.
you don't love just to be loved.
but you love.
because you want to love.

and it dawned on me much.
that.
i don't need to overly parade tantrum . dissatisfaction nor disappointment to be heard.
and i don't need to put the 'no i am not apologising' cue up.
because.
those emotions pass by only in brief seconds.
and you let it go .
because you know.
that's the right thing to do.
and when you do something .
its only for the sake of knowing that you are loving another being of Allah.
and that should be enough as a reward.

so.
as days pass by.
as nearing the time .
hidden tears of complete selflessness.
and of hidden smiles of complete willingness.

'young love' seems further than the reach of the hand.

truthfully.

i don't know whether i can ever be a Khadijah to a Muhammad.
but one thing for sure . i will try to be a Nurul to a someone.

insyaAllah.

may He reward me with what is best for me.

and for others out there too. 
:)

less and less.

humility .

very few has it.
and a lot claimed to have it.

and as for me.
of which group i entitled myself to.
i still do not know.

but as days go by.
being a part of a bigger community.
i realised.
some.
just lack of it.
very much.

humility.

in all aspects.
in allowing oneself to disengage with wealth and status.
of putting them aside. and truly realise that.
we are made of clay.and nothing more.
we should not be judged by what physical property we own but rather the spiritual side of us.

and as for me.
as days passed by since i left Liverpool.
i left together my humility.
bit by bit.
consumed by what people think of me.
and what i think of others.
rather than what Allah created me for.

humility.

 something i have seen less and less in my surrounding.
and practiced less  and less in myself.

because.
at the end of the day.
the worldly title we own.
could never buy us Jannah.
we should all make a point in life.
and understand that.
if we treat others with humility.
of the same kindness and compassion .
not focusing on how many digits the person own in their bank accounts.
and what sort of skin colour that covers their flesh .

at one point in life.
humility will repay us back .

something i should really understand.

wealth and status can make us emotionally happy.
but not spiritually contented.

may Allah guide us all.

first.

day 5.

people say.

first love is always the hardest one to let go.
or to keep.

years ago.
i spared a heart for a stranger that i once knew.
giving utmost loyalty. and devotion .
of great importance.
foolishly thinking.
if i love as much as i could.
i would be loved too.

my first.
the hardest to let go.
and the hardest to keep.

indeed once.
i foolishly loved like a girl.

years ahead.
i am now about to spare a heart for yet another stranger i have come to known.
to give utmost loyalty and devotion.
of an even greater importance.
gracefully knowing.
that today .
i could never be his first.

yet still.
i will gracefully love like a lady.

so.as i linger around within my doubts and past.

of to once first love of mine and of to known not being first to one's.

i realised.
in this life.
it is never important to be the first of someone's love.
but rather to be the last that stood by.
and still make the person smiles.

so for today.
day 5 thought me.
as much as i could not be the first to a stranger.
like wise he is to me.
somehow.
it doesn't matter.
because in the end.
when you finish a race.
its always the final line you crossed that matters.
not the first one when you took off.

balloon.

day 4.

numbness.

running away from reality because fantasy  seems more alluring.

i don't know what phase this is.
but i hope patience will be even closer than my own heart beat.
simply because.

emotionally.
i am detached from the world.

nothing is of interest now.
a floating soul trying to find a place to land.

and i sure hope i have found the right person to be my anchor.

because just like what a friend told me.

we are all balloons.
floating up in the sky.
hoping that one day.
a hand could grab our strings and tie us down.

well.
the thing with me is.
one hand is reaching up the sky.
yet i still float higher and higher.
and at times.
i wonder why.

so be patient dear hand.
because like everything.
gravity will pull, and i'll soon decent.

insyaAllah. 

pada Dia.

day 3.

of being tested with great doubts in life.

doubt that i will ever find a better place to work at.
doubt that i will still be alright  still after days of sorrows.
doubt that i will marry just the right guy.
doubt that my dreams are nearer each day.

doubt.

but.

in spite of all that.

today.
as i was driving back.
for day 3.

i realised.
my doubts are a waste.
because life my dear friends.

is nothing but a bridge and never an end point.

so,
for today.
why so serious neb.

Allah kan ada.

rezeki pada Dia.
bahagia pada Dia.
jodoh pada Dia
impian pada Dia.

dan aku.

aku empunyanya Dia.

kan?

jadi.nak risau apa.

Allah kan ada. . .

:)

of many doors.

day 2.

of realising what actually matters in life.

today.

after months of detaching myself from whats important.

i am finally again on track with my dreams and intentions.

a small brief gathering.
that gave a room for the soul to finally breathe.

indeed i was at ease.
even for  just a few minutes of life.


though i know.
life will again consume me when the sun appears itself between the clouds.
however.
i believe.
Allah must have heard.
my cries in between the pseudo smiles i present to the world.
for months now.
months indeed.

He must have known.
i was suffocating in between distractions.

and today.
He answered.
with  a brief encounter of 5 strangers.
which reminded me.
of how much i miss the feeling of missing Allah.

the topic that was discussed was of mere simplicity.

the doors of hearts.

and it begins . . . . .






the doors of our hearts are many.
the more we have.
the more vulnurable whats inside becomes.
one key to a door is easier to keep than many.

and so as i was listening.
i reflected back my life for these past few months.
and i realised.

i have indeed created unwanted doors one too many.
for a small fragile heart to contain.

the door of ostentation
the door of miserliness
the door of envy
the door of  negative thoughts
the door of fear of poverty.
the door wantonness.

simply.
the door of loving the world more than what is offered in the life after.

and today.
im shutting it all close.
throwing the key in the darkest deepest sea.

simply because.

i have an iman that is worth the battle to keep safe inside.

closing the heart.
until the real good  thing in life happens.

insyaAllah. 

another 100 days.

day 1.

of knowing myself.

again.

of yet a hundred days.
ahead.
truly just.
reversing back to a once known journey.

it has been almost 2 months now.

since i embarked on a life of work.
a life of yet another responsibility.

and one thing i realised.

the intention made.
to work for only His sake.

could flip in just a second.
the moment when i let myself admit.
that there is another entity for me to impress.

not merely for the sake of obligation.
but deep down.
if i am truly an honest person.

i would know.
that i have not been honest.

i work for me.
and me.

and from a day to another.
i disguise the ill intention and sugar coat it with reasons.

and now i tire myself.
reasoning in between reasons.
simply to sooth a heart that is darken.

so today.
after months of being back home.
i just feel like being away.

away from all the responsibilities that are pulling me away.
from the only responsibility that matters.

of being a true servant to the most Merciful God.

and today.
if no one is pulling me out.
i am pushing myself in.

i miss that soul that misses her Lord.
i miss that soul that is not easily bought.
by a price.
the world has to offer.

by soothing words of merely a stranger.

i am.
for day 1.

pushing it all away. 
for the better.
insyaAllah.

go away world. i miss my God.

of shattered soul hidden behind the veil of blissfulness.

it has been a while.

i know.

wandering soul of yet again.
in great lost of a journey.

i have not been myself lately.
too consumed with life.
that i forgot.
this is not the place where i shall forever reside.

this.
is only.
nothing but a place of brief pause.

i forgot who i want to be.
or probably what i should be.

those dreams.
those aims.
those longing of a life with just pure contentment.
seems further away than it used to be.

and i am in a journey of losing.
to a forgotten thought.
of having nothing.
than just a God.

an intention.
made.
purely to remain near Him.
changed into nothing.
but a promise made of great hypocrisy.

wallahi.
i miss my Creator.
and wallahi.
i have not made enough effort.
to keep Him nearer.

of yet another phase in life.
i will soon change.
if i let the silence within.
remain.
silent.

oh dear self.
snap.
please do. 

and realise.
no one.
nor anything.
should be your source of your happiness.
except the One who Created you.
from of merely dust.
and nothing more.

----------------------------------
i just need to disappear.
just this time.

just for a while.

just before i realise.
i have traded my soul.
to a world.
of finite.

grant me my wish o my Lord.
bring me back to years before.
to a day when i first knew.
there is no happiness.
rather than to be with You.

submitting.

i'm at the edge of crossing simplicity and complexity.
the thought of knowing that to achieve simplicity could be even more complex than i expected it to be.

baffled by it.
very much.

and in the pursuit of Lord's love.
i abondoned Lord Himself.
simply because.

we live by the idea of surrounding.
of a culture that is dying.
of a respect that pushes itself through the door.

i am.
indeed.
living at the edge of crossing simplicity and complexity.

and at times.
if i could just pick my soul out of the crowd.
drown it in a clean water.
i would.

simply because.
i suffocate.
in between smiles and laughter.
i let my soul submit.
to the world without the idea of life after.

-----------------------

when.

of 103 days ahead.

of sharing thoughts and feelings.

of knowing that if i smile.

you will be the reason.

and if i cry.

you will be the soother.

insyaAllah.

may Allah ease the 103 days.
of reaching thousands days more.

for Allah.
and for Him only.

insyaAllah.

:)

Z.A.

taking a break from hours of work.

simply because.

i have neglected much part of life and it dawned on me that.
life is short.

and i should really try and fill it with things that are of benefits.

so for a break.

i decided to write a letter instead.

to a stranger.be it being read or not.
i would know i have written it still.
of care and of to pacify a half broken hope of a bigger dream that belongs to a stranger.

and so it goes.


to a Dear stranger,

you once told me.
in a long ago message.
of nothing but a screen and thousands of miles away.

a hadith shared.

Abu Yahya Suhaib bin Sinan (radi Allahu anhu) reported that the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity befalls him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is good for him.” [Sahih Muslim]


and i remember.
i read this over and over again.
for the days of being alone in a place where loneliness is not an option but more of a decree.

and so. today.
months ahead.
i write this for you.
to the unsettled heart in a chest of a stranger.
'there is good for him in everything'
if you let patience follow through.
for indeed i chose you.
for the faith that is in you.

and if it is meant to be.
it is meant to be.
my name will still be there.
next to yours.
even for years to come.
and miles to go.

and if it is not.
insyaAllah.
Allah will reward us with something better.
that would bring more joy and laughter.
for He created us. and He knows us.
more than just by names.

:)

so.for today. nothing but words i have to offer.
and silent prayers in between nights of awoken slumbers.

be patient.
be patient.
Z.
theres always light from the stars of every dark night.

Sincerely,
 Me.

hang in there soul.

if life was without challenges,then it wouldn't be called dunya

this past few weeks have been hectic.
frustrating and tiring.

but like the saying says.

its dunya and it will never be settling.

and indeed with how i am leading my life at the moment.
Jannah has been more than what i want.

i want Allah.
for every bit of the second.
to relinquish the dirty garment of the world.
and just let me settle in its purest state.

i want Allah.

insyaAllah.

be patient dear soul.
have you no trust.
the best tarbiyah of life is life itself.
so put your trust in Allah.
and let Him sail your boat.
because even if the sea gets rough.
He owns the sea still.

and  in spite of all that.
in the midst of ranting.
i am thankful that Allah let a stranger to be known.
simply to remind me.

that.
if life was without challenges,then it wouldn't be called dunya

true. 

so hang in there soul. 

of holding on and letting go.

bagi yang sudah sungguh berjaya.
mampu bilang pada hati sendiri.
'ah. yang lepas itu lepas. dan yang hadapan itu hadapan'

untuk kawan yang insyaAllah sudah berjaya.
untuk paham erti letting go.
pada benda yang dirangkul erat pada hati untuk bertahun lamanya.
aku peluk dari jauh dengan kuat.
sebab sungguh.aku paham tak kan pernah mudah.

dan itu aku bilang kan.
'that person is a past with a lesson. and the other person is a future with hope'

jadi.
aku susulkan doa.
bagi moga Allah permudahkan.
dalam jarak masa yang hampir singkat.
biar sampai ke hujung garisan.

sebab sungguh.
Rumi benar.
life is a balance of holding on and letting go. 

tinggal kan mana yang perlu.
pegangkan mana yang mahu.

so untuk hari ini.
this post goes out to a dear friend.
yang dalam banyak-banyak paling perih usaha.
untuk paham erti letting go.

selamat bertunang kawan. 
i wish you well.
moga niat ikhlas terus tulus sampai ke Tuhan di lapis langit yang ketujuh. 
insyaAllah :)


dan jangan risau.
tiada erti kata Mr.Right or Mr. Wrong.
sebab sungguh Allah itu akan sentiasa beri yang terpaling sesuai dan yang terbaik untuk hamba Nya.

and you my friend.
deserve the  best for you.



knowing this.
made my heart grinned for a while.
knowing that.

tahniah juga neb.
you passed your phase.
long before.
untung bilang pada hati sendiri.

lepas itu lepas.
yang hadapan itu hadapan. 

antara iman dan harta.

apakah kalian tetap akan meneruskan adat dan budaya perkahwinan sang anak semegah dan sebesar terdaya?

aku rephrase;

kalian--
ibu2 dan abah2 seusia aku--
mampukah menerima kalau2 perkahwinan anakmu cuma kecil2 dan biasa2--
bertakdir menantu yang cuma cukup sifat dan kerja pula biasa2.

atau sebenarnya--
kita tetap akan meneruskan adat dan budaya orang tua kita yang rancak aku baca dari status2 sebagai sesuatu yang kalian paling benci?

benar,
semua ayahbonda mahu yang terbaik untuk anaknya.
jelas, terang dan hakikat.
maka itu bukan hujah lagi.

soalan aku--
biar aku ulang agar tak diserong nanti--

mampukah kau terima takdirnya kalau2 anakmu tidak mendapat menantu dan suasana yang ENGKAU ingini?

-Fynn Jamal. 


well phrased.
and it made me thought for a while.

how lucky i am.
in spite of being surrounded by such community.
ma and ayah never took part in any of such way of thinking. 

bukan pernah raja yang dicari. 
sebab sungguh tiada lelaki yang akan pernah cukup rajanya.
dan tiada perempuan yang akan pernah cukup puterinya. 
sebab dunia ini tidak pernah akan puas. 

tapi. 
jika redha Allah yang dicari. 
iman yang berkilau selayak nya perlu dipandangkan dan dimahukan. 

dan untung aku.
sebab tak pernah raja yang dimahukan ma dan ayah.
tapi hanya seorang lelaki yang Fatihah nya lancar.hati nya ikhlas. dan matanya terjaga. 

itu sudah cukup .

sebab mungkin kali mereka tahu.

aku ini bukan puteri. 
masih lagi bertatih mengenal Ilahi.
tak selayak nya diri sendiri menilai itu dan ini.
sedang kan iman sendiri masih lagi tercari-cari.

sebab sungguh.
kesempurnaan itu tidak ada jika dicari.tapi hadir bila mana kita sedar yang selalunya yang tak sempurna itulah kesempurnaan by its own definition. 


dan ya. 
yang biasa-biasa itu lah yang paling selesa.  :)