NORULE.

 today has been such a nice day that i decided to write on it. in spite of having many drawings to finish.i choose to take a breather. and just write. i need to take a break on lines and just have words instead for now.

anyway. somehow.
 i rarely write my precise daily routine. i like to keep it vague (ya right) or usually i just write it as a status on facebook. but today. i feel like writing it here.
because a looooong never ending status . ( like i usually have.) will only annoy people. ok ok. i got it. (yet. some still choose to read it)
like for instance what happened this morning .

bumped into a friend in studio .and he was like . . .
' ah neb. the facebook status updater. i see your status EVERYDAY. where do you find time to write it? '

'eh. in between drawings. you know me. i have limited span in focusing. i just had to divert or i'll go mental'

'neb this and that. anyway.did you get yourself some milk and some dinner yesterday?'

dalam hati aku bilang .'eleh.konon aku update status banyak.baca jugak kau ni dari awal sampai hujung. lol.what a friend'



so .anyway. back to what i was saying ( see. told ya i get distracted easily) 
oh wait.where was i?

oh yes. instead of a status.blog it is then!
so before anything i'd like to apologise for having this post without any
 hidden messages or advices this time.  basically. but i just feel like sharing for no reason.
( oh ya. there is.  I AM SIMPLY PROCRASTINATING WITH WORK.aaaaaaaaa. )

so this morning.i went early to the workshop. being a kiasu girl as always .oh no no no.not kiasu. i just like being early. i hate waiting.
but as usual. my version of early.is always EXTRA early.so i ended up waiting in the end for the workshop to open.

as i came in. there he was.stewy the workshop assistant. happy and bright as always .well i tend to think that way. and i gave him my drawings and as usual. 'ah nooorule. laser cut again is it?'

oh yes. and like a hyper kid. i get all jittery around machines. aaaaaah how i love the workshop.
and so in awe. LIKE ALWAYS. i stand there watching my work getting cut. and i thought to myself. hey. if only i could get this machine for myself. trust me. i'd put anything in it just to see it cut. heck. i'd cut my own hair  if i could with it!

erm.maybe not.

but yes. thats how kiddish i am around machines and gadgets. i guess i get that alot from ayah.
we all do in fact.
gadget freaks we are.

ok. back to the story. so as i was waiting for the  work to finish. like usual i'll sit there akwardly .minding my own bussiness. trying to be as invisible as possible. then stewy chewy came.

'you know noorule.i never knew how to say your name. is it no-rul or nu-rule..ah which ever,im a scouser. and scoursers say it best like NO-RULE.'

'ok stewy.no rule it is then' dalam hati. ok dah pergi jauh-jauh.lol.

'anyway. i just thought i should tell.you are really a nice person norule. i've been watching you and i can tell that you are nice. if i see your parents at the degree show, i'll compliment them for raising you well' * well. something like that.can't find the exact words. half of it i dind't even catch it. 3 years are not enough for one to really catch the accent. though according to stewy i am now a scouser. for saying ' i have gotten only a tenner' instead of saying ' i only have 10 pounds'  apa apa aja lah.*

ok back to where i was.

i replied. trying to be witty. *which wasn't at all*
'are you hoping for a free lunch now stewy eh?'

with a straight face.
'oh no. this is my compliment to you. i like how you do things. very calm and steady. in this school i see students as two. a tortoise and a . . . * can't catch what he was saying* and you are a tortoise to me. calm and you do your work bit by bit and you get it right! so you are nice!

and dalam diam aku bilang ' kalau lah kau tengok aku melalak.meraung menangis macam mati laki everytime bila design kena reject.mungkin kali kau akan tahu .tak stewy.tak. aku calm macam ni.sebab emak didik. apa pun jadi .jangan gelabh.compusre tu penting. which i fail.MOST OF THE TIME.so no.  *

and so i smiled to him and told him i'll dedicate my degree show models for you then!'

and he went off.

probably thats what he wanted in the first place eh. lol

eh husnuzon neb!

and as i was about to go back.
i said thank you like usual.
usually stewy would just wave back and say 'ya! see you soon!'

but this time around .

he turned around.called my name.
'eh NORULE. and gave me a flying kiss instead . in a very qwerky and funny way that is. i know he was just playing around.

and i did nothing but smile.

so if you are wondering .is this that nice day she has been talking about? gettting a compliment?
oh no no.

the nice bit about today is that.
eventhough final crit is in another 3 more days .
i am suprisingly.
very calm today. * i still have ALOT to do*
and can STILL blog. *sigh*

so lesson to learn here is that.

oh wait. are there suppose to be any?
ok. lesson for me then.

like what mum always says.
'faith and compusure adik.faith and compusure.life is beautiful.relax.'

so i have faith now.  IN WHAT EVER THAT MAY COME.
and i know.that comes only from my Lord.

and to accompany today's mood.
the best song for it would be. yeay. figured . . . .life IS beautiful.
:)

through time and space make it closer or make it further.

 

may Allah grant us all the coolness of our eyes. in what so ever form it may be.

if there appear to be a being or an item of life that is hindering me from You o Allah.
remove the being. and chase away the item.

and if they appear to be a being or an item that will ease my remembrance of You o Allah.
make it closer.even closer than the beat of my heart and the blink of my eyes.

the deleted 495.

with confidence.

i deleted the 495 photos today and continued with work.

simply because.
somebody gave a rational advice.

that it is the future that we should all focus on. and not the past.
because.

'We all have a past, but we all also have a future' .

today. after 1825 days.

i remove my past and head on to the future.

'visit your soul,don't visit your past' -Paulo 

bismillahirahmanirahim. 

minta maaf.

its odd how you worry so much about hurting someone you know so very little.

i feel bad. for an unclear reason.
out of a sudden.

my apology today goes to a stranger
that is thousands of miles away from here.


i guess that is how it should be with everyone else too .
even to strangers.
so that we mind our actions.
really carefully.
in the future.

even without you knowing this.

minta maaf ya .

o july.
come soon.
will you.

for
i dread the days of being far from home.
:(

aku bukan Melayu,Cina atau India. aku. itu aku.

dalam  sibuk mengejar dateline . terbenti sekejap segala kerja.
hanya kerana. wujud satu perasaan yang aku rasa. kalau tidak dikongsi.sekarang juga. saat ini juga .
maka aku lah yang rugi tak kemana.
sebab mungkin kali. esok hari. aku mungkin tak bernafas lagi.
untuk aku cerita kan yang itu dan yang ini.

jadi bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

tanpa aku sedar siapa yang akan membaca.
mungkin kali ada mungkin kali tiada.
tapi biarlah cukup ini menjadi bukti untuk aku tunjukkan pada yang Esa
yang aku juga.
mahu usaha.
mahu beritahu.
yang kalau dah dijadi kan manusia.
memang selayaknya harus.
aku berfikir.
jadi tak salah kalau aku tuliskan apa yang mungkin mampu buat yang lain juga berfikir sama.

what i am about to say. i take full resposibillity of it. and may Allah be the best Protector from me spreading falsehood and make me far from the feeling of gloating and superiority . for my intention is never of those.

ini cerita simple.
hidup aku.
yang hidup macam mana dibesar kan orang tua yang tak berpangkat.
tak berlebih harta.
senang kata.
yang biasa-biasa. aja.
tapi penuh dengan cukup.
Alhamdullilah.

seingat aku.
dari kecil ayah selalu bilang.
usaha adik .
kita hanya akan dapat apa yang layak kita dapat dari apa yang Allah lihat.
melalui usaha kita.

jadi aku memang dari kecil .
tak pernah berhenti dari usaha.
semata mata aku tak mahu dipandang sambil lewa.
mahu dari Rabb ku atau mahupun dari yang lain.
dan aku yakin kalau aku cukup usaha.
tak kan timbul perasaan ragu untuk aku meminta pada Tuhan.

dari kecil.
mudah kata.
tak pernah aku hadap apa itu gagal.
dalam bersekolah.

namun ayah yang begitu merendah diri.
selalu bilang.
'dik. apa yang kau dapat. orang lain pun dapat. jangan sekali dik.kau sangka kan diri kau hebat. '
jadi tiap kali aku cemerlang.
ayah akan tarik balik aku ke bawah.
hanya semata.
mungkin dia tak mahu aku lupa.
yang bukan kejayaan yang aku harap pandang.tapi seharusnya Allah.

jujur.
mungkin kali disebabkan darah yang mengalir dalam diri.
disebabkan keturunan aku milik peribumi.
diberi lah peluang untuk aku merasa keistimewaan bersekolah tinggi.
dimulanya dengan privilege asrama.
jika diingat balik.
bukan kah  lebih mudah?
untuk berada dikeliling bangsa yang sama.
berlawan dengan cara yang sama.
cakap yang sama.
fikiran yang sama.

tapi tidak.
bilang aku pada ayah .
'tak apa lah yah. masuk sekolah biasa pun tak apa. bukan darah penentu jaya nya kita '
jadi.kembali balik aku ke MGS.
sekolah yang bercampur bangsa.
hanya atas sebab.
kalau yang lain boleh.
kenapa aku tak boleh?

dan sungguh. aku melangkah kanan.
berkawan dengan mereka yang bukan sama bangsa.
bukan sama lidah rasa.
tapi sungguh.
kalau ditanya lagi sekarang.
siapa kawan yang paling kau hormat.
tentu sekali aku bilang.
 si dia yang berbangsa lain.

dan Alhamdullilah.
aku tahu. bukan sebab aku.
dan kemahuan ku.
tapi hanya kasih belas Tuhan ku.
dapatlah lagi  aku merasa apa itu cemerlang.

tanpa perlu berada dalam golongan  aku sahaja.
aku belajar.yang hormat ,kasih ,prihatin itu aku dapat dari mereka yang tak sama warna kulitnya.

selepas habis sekolah.
dengan result yang dah tersedia.
aku sorong pada mana sahaja scholarship yang ada.
saat itu tak pernah pun terfikir kenapa.
mungkin dah terikut budaya.
yang kalau result nya cantik.maka.
kesitu lah yang harus aku cuba.

dan Alhamdullilah.
lagi sekali diberi  nikmat belajar.
tapi saat aku tahu yang itu.
ayah bilang satu perkara
'dik.result yang kau dapat. percayalah.ada 500 orang lagi di atas nama kau yang dapat.tetap jangan kau sangka kau paling hebat'


jadi diam lama aku berfikir.
kenapa mungkin aku yang dapat?
mungkin kerana aku berkulit cokelat?
tapi mana mungkin aku bilang begitu.
sebab 5 dalam 6 berbangsa  lain yang ada dalam interview room bersama aku.
juga dapat.

maka aku terus lagi berfikir.
walau jauh untuk aku dekat dengan Tuhan.
terfikir sekejap aku tentang Dia.
ayah bilang.
kalau kau usaha.
Allah pandang.
maka aku terfikir.
mungkin kali ini lah nikmat usaha?

tapi aku ingat kan diri lagi.
dalam penuh takut berbangga diri.
bukan dengan yang lain.
tapi dengan diri sendiri.

' tak neb. kau bukan pandai.kau bukan istimewa. yang kau dapat hanya sungguh atas sebab. dah tertulis di atas sana'

bertahun yang lepas.
dalam antara solat-solat yang terlepas.
walau jauh nak digelar diri penuh beragama.
tetap aku terfikir.
kenapa ya?
kenapa dalam penuh dosa.
masih Allah pilih untuk dibuka mata?

tak cukup kufur lagi nikmat diberi.
aku lengah masa untuk kembali sujud
aku sangka.
tak apa.
esok masih ada.

namun.
dalam diam.
mungkin tak aku nampak kan pada kalian.
yang sebenarnya.
aku penuh dengan tanda tanya.
penuh dengan keinginan untuk paham.

dan aku ingat sekali lagi ayah bilang.
'usaha adik'
tak kan mungkin aku bermatian berusaha untuk perihal dunia semata.
tapi tak sanggup buat yang sama untuk hal syurga dan neraka.
jadi aku usaha.
dalm solat yang mungkin.
setahun sekali.
dalam duduk diam mengingat Tuhan yang jarang kali.

kenapa aku dapat yang baik-baik aja ya Rabb?
sedangkan aku jauh dari makna baik.

bukan bersoal tanda tak syukur.
bukan bersoal tanda tak yakin.
tapi aku bersoal.
hanya atas dasar untuk diberi jawapan yang benar.

dan aku tanya lagi.
dengan diri penuh tak berilmu.
benar kah kata orang ya Rabb. aku dapat ini dan itu.
hanya atas dasar aku Melayu?

dan sebelum aku mengenal Quran.
sungguh aku tak tahu.
yang Allah itu tak pernah memilih atas dasar darah yang mengalir.
aku keluarkan balik diri aku dari pemikiran dari yang lain.

tak kan lah mungkin .rezeki istimewai ini hanya atas dasar.
aku ini berbangsa.
sebab sungguh itu tidak adil.
bagi aku.
dan bagi yang lain.
jadi persoalan yang ada.
untuk 5 tahun yang lepas.

baru aku tersedar.
isitimewa yang aku dapat.
bukan sebab aku dilahir berkulit cokelat.
tapi mungkin atas sebab.

kata ayah suruh usaha.
maka aku usaha.
dan sebab Allah itu Mulia.
di beri aku usaha.
dan sebab usaha.
mungkin kali aku diberi nikmat seinchi dalam dunia.

jadi.
untuk kalian yang pelik berkata.
yang ada antara berlainan bangsa dan agama.
'ala neb. senanglah kau bilang.kau dapat itu ini.sebab semua sudah diberi'
perlu kau tahu.

malam hari yang kau korban kan mengira nombor,bermain kata,berletih diri semata nak berjaya.
aku juga sama.
sebanyak mana usaha kau letak.
sebanyak itu juga ayah suruh aku letak.

jadi aku bilang.
tak sayang.
bukan semata sebab.
mata kita lain bentuknya.
kulit kita lain warnanya.
hati kita lain percayanya.

tapi sebab.
kau usaha.
dan aku juga usaha.

dan untuk kalian yang pelik berkata.
yang ada antara samanya bangsa,samanya agama.
'ala neb. buat apa kau susah. berhenti sekejap dari lelah. ambil kau masa.untuk berhelah. bukan kah kita menangnya sudah. dalam berjumlah. nanti-nanti akan juga mewah'
perlu kau tahu.

di malam hari walau kita bersujud pada Tuhan yang sama.
merasa belacan yang sama.
berkulit tona yang sama.

usaha aku tak akan berhenti hanya kerana apa yang kau sangka.
sebab.sungguh tak adil.
kau nilai kalah menang aku atas siapa aku.
dan bukan kerana apa dibuat aku.

jadi. untuk isu yang makin lama makin buat aku sakit.
yang aku lihat semakin banyak membawa perit.
pada aku dan pada teman yang lain.
pada pertandingan yang tak pernah sihat.
berlumba atas dasar bangsa.
dan bukan usaha.

aku beritahu sekali lagi.
Allah ku bukan mengira pada bulat,sepet,cenkung mata kita.
sebab sungguh Dia yang cipta semuanya.
tapi pada.
apa usaha kita.

yang itu lebih utama.

dan untuk meraka kawan berlainan agama dan bangsa aku dari kecil.
sayang aku tak pernah hilang.
biarpun apa orang bilang.
hormat aku tetap ada.
jika masih aku juga dihormat.
sebab itu.
apa yang dididik mulia Rasul aku.

dan untuk mereka kawan bersama agama dan bangsa aku dari kecil.
tetap juga engkau yang aku sayang.
tapi jika satu hari jika kau pilih Tuhan untuk kau paling.
tahulah aku menangis dalam selang malam dan siang.

untuk SEMUA pihak.
baik yang itu mahu pun yang ini.

apa yang dihajat.
berlandaskan doa dan usaha.
bukan semata bangsa dan sangkaan diri yang terlebih agama.

sebab Allah itu.

untuk semua.

walaupun untuk aku yang kurang agama.

walaupun untuk dia yang lain kulitnya.

kurang-kurangkan lah isu bangsa ini.
dua dekad yang lebih aku hidup.
dahulu tak pernah wujud isu ini.

mungkin kali.
aku yang buta.
nak lihat yang indah sahaja.

atau mungkin sudah makin banyak yang wujud dari semua pihak .
baik yang disangka alim.dan baik yang disangka tamak.

mula bermain isu ini.
atas dasar.
mereka boleh.

jadi untuk semua.
jangan kau biar selain Tuhan.
menitik pemikiran celik kau.

sebab sungguh anak kecil biar apa pun bangsa.
tetap merasa panas jika bermain api.


Allahhualam.

insyaAllah.

somebody i used to not know.

why cry over a rotten apple.
when you have a perfectly ripen pear.

they are things and people in life that Allah took away from us.
just to replace it with something  or someone better.

because we live not for this world.
but for the world after.

la tahzan dear heart.
la tahzan.

so to answer a question that was asked.

no.i was never single.
how can i be when i have Allah.

:)

O you who have wrapped up in your garments!

these past few weeks.

i have been asking a lot of guidance from Allah.

simply because.

if it is not Him.

who else?

i have been having few thoughts lately.

of how little my contribution is to the ummah.

and i was lost deep in my thoughts and feelings.

to the point. i feel boneless.and hopeless.

this sudden realisation . if one might say.

struck me one morning.

and forced me to think.

 I HAVE NOT DONE MUCH FOR THE SOCIETY.

have i?

to myself i thought.

it seems like there is more to just sitting around and learning. 

my limbs are not moving as much as it should!

and my ideas are contained within the sphere of my head and i am wasting it.

and all i want to do.is to MOVE. 

REALLY MOVE.

make changes and contribute. 

be it little.be it big.

but how am i suppose to evoke these numb limbs and these stagnant ideas

without even trying?

how?

a rush of restlessness came.

and all i want to do is just do something. 

to just be awake.and to dismiss those deep slumbers of years hiding under a warm blanket of winter.

a death of an akhi a few weeks back was a knock in the head.

but i think that was not the case.

i just don't know what this is.this time around.it feels even more different.

it feels like an overflowing water in a small jug under a huge tap.

i am unsettled.

very.

I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

in silence i scream.

I -JUST-WANT-TO-DO-SOMETHING.

in repetition. i screamed.

every morning woken after a dream.

BUT.

BUT.

'finals are coming soon neb.you need to do your work. you need to prepare.you need to finish all the 'undones' you.just need to!'

and there i was again stuck in between serving the worldly needs and preparing for my wants of the hereafter.

i am stuck.

waaaaaay stuck. 

and so a moment of reflection that was in dire need.was taken.

and i asked myself.

what more can you do neb?

a girl of a very little knowledge.

who knows nothing of the world and the world after?

who has limited ways of reaching back to society. 

whom.

if compared to 7 billion people out there.

has nothing.

to offer.

i am not a thinker.

my opinions go far as to serve me.

i am not wealthy.

my money is not mine.

i am not known.

my existence is only for God to know.

so what am i?

i am just a neb.

but. 

i don't want to settle with just that.

i refuse.

and i asked even more. 

like a greedy person looking for things to grab.

i asked God.

let me be of those who serves You.

and helps the rest.

in sincerity.with only Your bless.

because.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

living in luxury surrounded by poverty.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

gaining knowledge just to keep it under the bridge.

i refuse to be ungrateful.

breathing the air of Yours in  deep slumber.

i refuse to.

and.

through my thoughts.

He answered.

'wait a minute. i don't need to be all that. i could change the world. by changing myself.. i am the world itself.aren't i?because it wouldn't be 7 billion people if there is a minus one in it. '

and so i realised.

i don't need to chase all those big things in life.

just in order to change life itself.

i just need to change myself.

and with the help of Al-Hakim (The Wise) 

i seek guidance. 

find me a way.

to find you.

and so. all i have for the moment is.

a thought to share.

if ever there is someone out there.

like me. im sure.

it's alright.

we might not have much to offer.

the world might be too big for us to cover.

but. we have the biggest say in our own lives.

and so.

my advice would be.

lets start small.

because Allah sees all.

and insyaAllah.

if it is for Him and only Him. 

He'll give it to us.all.

be mindful of our actions.

be graceful to others.

and most importantly.

be truthful to Allah.

and that.

i think.

would be.

an enough contribution.

for now. 

 "Ya Allah, aku memohon kepada-Mu curahan rahmat dari sisi-Mu, yang dengannya hatiku mendapat petunjuk, terkumpul segala yang bercerai-berai dan terhimpun segala yang terpisah-pisah, tertolak segala fitnah atas diriku dan bertambah baik urusan agamaku, terpelihara segala sesuatu yang jauh dariku dan terangkat apa yang dekat denganku, disucikan segala perbuatanku dan dicerahkan wajahku, diberi ilham menuju petunjuk dan terpelihara diriku dari segala sesuatu yang jelek."

dear july.

and sometimes i wish.
under these piles of mess.
of papers and stress.
i'll wake up one morning.
in a place i call home.


patient my dear.
patient.

july will come.
and so will you.

please wait.
for i am waiting too.

to an unknown feeling that God gave.

so many things in common . yet God made us two different strangers oblivion to one another's existence. too close yet far apart we are made.

without knowing you.

yet my heart tells me. 

you might be the half that will help me in my deen.

o Allah protect me from falsehood.

make what ever good closer to me than the beat of my own heart.

make the thousand years gap closer than an inch.
and make those that are bad for me further than the moon and the sun.
should the gap be more than a thousand years.

for if it is written.

it is written.
and for if it is not.
it is not.

insyaAllah. 

late afternoon chat.

the wind of spring is blowing hard.
it's dark outside but still  far from midnight.
here i am inside.
not willing to be outside.
for it is nothing but cold.
and the silence of dark.

these past few days have been extremely different.
after years of keeping myself on this journey to God.
only tonight i once again felt.
the sweetness of the very first night.
when i said, 'o Allah be with me.for i am in fright '

truly
the topsy turvy of this journey have made me grown.
to make me understand that everything that i do not own.
a soul of a new searcher is seeking for my help.
and in a split second i am reminded of myself again.

o how i miss those days of late afternoon chat with God.
how i miss to just talk to empty space with confidence of being heard.
and far from fear of being seen as mad.
oh dear self.
what have become of you.
don't you still know.
that He listens even when you don't?
and so tonight. again.
in gratitude of a new found friend.
i was talking to my God again.
out to the empty space.

sometimes we think that we are helping others. but without realizing. it is them that is helping us.
the wonders of God's mercy.
He makes it possible for His worshippers.
to help and to be helped.

thank you Allah.
i now. again.
believe.

Verily, those who have believed, and those who have emigrated (for Allah's Religion) and have striven hard in the Way of Allah, all these hope for Allah's mercy. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most-Merciful. [2:218]

fear.

i write when i am in fear.

and so i write. 

these past few days of mixed emotion have been tough.

too many fears and too sudden.

i fear that i am not a decent person.

i fear that when the days end.

my feet are not walking towards the door of heaven.

and i fear. 

i am not being the best submitter 

to the best Creator.

o Allah give me all the strength in the future.

o Allah ease my burden for the present.

o Allah surround me with among your best creations.

o Allah lend me a partner  that is deeply in love with you.

o Allah make me close to my kin. 

o Allah be pleased with my effort.

and o  Allah .  spare me Your smile.

when the whole word is frowning. 

i write my prayers out loud in hope to get a silent ameen from anyone who is reading.

because. the best kind of prayer is the one that is made from a brother or a sister without my knowledge.
thank you.

to remember.

as i sit alone in the living room one silent night pondering upon the future.

a certain fear swallowed me.
a fear of not knowing what may be.
and i wandered alone.
in a maze of my own mind.

o Allah.
i do not know my future.
i do not know what is best .
and i do not know myself.

so direct my fears of all the unknowns to You.
so that i have every reason to remember you.
to seek your help.in contanst plead.
the lowest bow.is just for You.

and in lost.
i write.
to soothe what is unsettled.
because i know.
you are reading.
only You that can read my heart.

o Allah.
give me only what is best for me.


only in the remembrance of Allah,we find peace.
only with the guidance of Allah.we find the way.

'remember Me, and I shall remember You' -Baqarah 152.

today.i did.

and i have done my bit.

just to keep this mind at rest.
not to pleasure the interest of myself.
but to dismiss the unsettled thoughts of not trying.

today i have lowered down the enemy of me.
today i shed  the cloak of my ego.
and i took the big step which i never thought i would.
and today i realised.
there is nothing shameful.
about trying to please God.
if my way is misunderstood i leave it to God to judge what He knows best.
and today.

i did.
something that is never my way.
something i vowed never to do.

today.
i did just that
i brave myself and i stepped out of the comfort of being me.

today.

i don't mind.
because today.
i have God.

hasbunallahwanikmalwakil.
nikmalmaulawanikmannaseer.

oh.

oh sunken heart.
why the frown face and the lonesome struts.
have you no Allah to turn to sob?
have you no Allah to fix your thoughts?

yang kecil tapi besar.

tersentak dari angan jauh.
tersedar dari apa dirisau kan masih remeh.

semuanya.
yang kita rasa penting dalam hidup dunia.
hanya kecil.

beberapa hari yang lepas.
berita maut saudara tak dikenal.
buat aku tersedar.
hidup yang aku corak.
tersangat remeh.
begitu melekat kuat pda akar bumi.
sehingga susah untuk tidak terjatuh kasih pada dunia yang pendek.

perkara harian yang kecil di mata Tuhan.
aku perbesarkan.
sedangkan yang melihat dan mendengar hanya Tuhan.

dan mungkin kalau lah maut itu pedih.perih.penuh dengan sedih.
biarlah hidup berbaki ini penuh dengan bakti.
untuk aku langkau.sebedang payah.
berjumpa Tuhan bahagia tersengih.

o. Allah.
masih sikit bakti ku pada umat.
masih terlalu kecil aku untuk Kau lihat.

now.should i share.or should i think?

too often that i see now.

how easy truth and lies spread.

beyond the speed of light.

even lighter than the wind.

and so.

i write.

a reminder to oneself.

and to the rest.

sometimes we read.

sometimes we hear.

and sometimes too.

we see.

but seldom.

we find the time to evaluate. 

we live in a world full of deceit.

in a time full of indoctrination.

and in social surrounding that fears no hell.

and so. 

need i say.

for every knowledge of particular that we encounter.

EVALUATE.

and evaluate.

wisely.

brains are given for a purpose.

if its not used accordingly.

one bless from God has been abused.

so to dear self and to dearest populace of the world.

the next time a knowledge comes into mind.

take time to think.

will i be question for this act if i were to spread it to others?

because.

there is nothing more detestable than to spread lies.

and to be a fool of lies. 

share wisely.

because we are born to choose wisdom.

'And fitnah is greater than killing." And they will continue to fight you until they turn you back from your religion if they are able.'

Al-Baqarah (2) : 217

'So let not their speech grieve you. Indeed, We know what they conceal and what they declare.'

Yasin (36) :76

kau sayang Aku tak?

aku ni.

kalau berkasih.

memang sekali.
kalau dah sekali tu aku sayang.
sampai ke mati lah aku masih sayang.

tapi jodoh tu tuhan punya.
bukan untuk aku kejar.
dan pasti bukan juga untuk aku lari dari.

kalau dah si Pencipta kata.
'hold on neb.bukan yang itu Aku pilihkan untuk kau'

maka tak berguna aku merengek sampai ke hujung kiamat.
sebab.
dalam pada setia aku berkasih bersayang.
yang paling hebat berkasih sayang.
yang paling hebat berjanji setia.
tetap tuhan.

jadi
kalau dah memang Dia yang maha penyayang.
risau apa.pasti aja.
yang terbaik itulah yang diberi nanti.

jadi.
untuk yang keseribu kali nya.
aku bilang lagi pada diri sendiri.
dalam senyap.dalam teriak.

'kau risau apa bro. sayang tuhan tu kan dah cukup'

peringatan.
nikmat yang benar.
hanya terletak pada perbuatan yang betul.

kalau dah terdulu kau sayang tuhan lebih dari semua.
masa kan mungkin tak dibalasNya sayang seluas dunia.

ah.jangan risau lah.

"Hasbunallahu wa ni`mal Wakil''
 [Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us).]'' (3:173).

:)

maut itu.

maut itu bagai dongeng.
selagi belum sakaratul menyekat nafas ditekak.

maut itu bagai halusi.
selagi belum dosa dikendong memberat tubuh penuh payah.

maut itu bagai masa jauh.
selagi belum tanah menghimpap tubuh.

dan maut itu.

satu jenaka.

selagi belum.
dahi tersujud.
meraih ampun.
sampai.
sesaat.
dirasa bertahun.

sungguh.
maut itu.

misteri.

tapi pasti.

yang kalau.

lari kau beribu batu.
tetap.
zahir nya masih kau disitu.

................................

aku ini.
jiwa yang tak mudah diam.

yang kalau diberi seribu hari.
seribu satu hari.
akan aku berlari.

aku ini.
pemberontak akal.

yang kalau diberi seribu hari.
seribu satu hari.
akan aku dabik ilmu seinchi.

dulu.
aku sangka.
dunia ini balapan larian.
buat manusia lari mengejar impian.

semata.
aku sangka.

tapi.
bila usia menelan muda.
bagai fakir rakus diberi harta.

aku sedar.

bukan wang yang mampu dibuat sogok.
pada maut.
bila mana aku takut.

bukan pangkat yang mampu aku hulur.
pada api.
bila mana ia panas tak terperi.

bukan keluarga yang mampu aku sorong.
pada seksa.
buat pengganti diri.

tapi.

pada iman.
yang aku pegang.
dalam payah.
penuh lelah.
yang kadang hampir saja hilang.

untuk di buat tayang.
bila mana.

wang.pangkat.keluarga.

tak lagi ditimbang.

tapi yang dipandang.

hanya.
iman.

yang masih aku pegang.

إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ كَفَرُواْ لَن تُغۡنِىَ عَنۡهُمۡ أَمۡوَٲلُهُمۡ وَلَآ أَوۡلَـٰدُهُم مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ شَيۡـًٔ۬ا‌ۖ وَأُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ هُمۡ وَقُودُ ٱلنَّارِ (١٠)

Indeed, those who disbelieve - never will their wealth or their children avail them against Allah at all. And it is they who are fuel for the Fire. [3:10]

i am.

and i write to you tonight with honesty.
nothing but honesty and a pinch of remorseful.

so hear me.
for i am speaking with a hope to be heard.

i am a woman.
drench in a pool of sins.
a never ending path of mischief that leads straight to the door of fire.

i am a woman.
hidden behind a veil full of impurity.
with lusts and hatred that linger closer than the heat of my own breath.

i am a woman.
that bow to a God that i often fail to find.
that blames destiny for the hiccups in life.

i am a woman.
full of wants and needs of the world.
that pushes God aside with a brief gesture.

and.
i am a woman.
that jumps from one deed to a deed.
in between good and evil.
in mere seconds.

but.
i am too.
a woman.
with guilt.
and hope.

for a full repentance.

for every sin.
of every time.
of everywhere.
of this worthless self.

i called.
a woman.
in me.

because.
i believe.
my hatred towards my sins could never succumb to the loving of my God towards my repentance.

so i write.
to be heard.

by someone.
somewhere.
out there.

that.

its alright.
Allah is.

there.

to always hear.

your utter.

of  repentance.

a moment.

to write with honesty might be easier than to speak of one.
and so.
with a clear mind that rarely happens to me.
these days.
i write.
while i still can.

i have been a hollow body with mindless thoughts for a while.
just one of those journeys my mind took unwillingly.
one that left without a smile.

have one ever felt the feeling of having one soul ripped off from the cage of flesh?
no.
neither do i.
yet.
sometimes i become this entity of bones and muscles without control.
like something inside.
is now outside.

i am sane.
don't you worry.

i am just different.
probably.
the wondrous path taken by a mapless mind is lost between junctions of life.
or probably.
an unknown destiny is yet to be uncovered.

again.
i am sane.
don't you worry.

and so.
i ramble.
on words
that i don't come to understand.

because.
i just want to write.
while i still can.

still.
i hope.
when my flesh becomes just flesh.
i hope.

this entry will at best.
give me some sense.
of  reminder.
that i was once a part of humanity.

please read this when you are lost.

this body that i have is very detached from the mind that i have not long owned.

and while both are at the same place and time.

i write this.

so that when my mind goes on its yet another wondrous path.
and when my body is governed by mindless thoughts.

i should know that.

once.

i was someone.
and once.

i was awake.

dear self.

if you are reading this.

please know.

Allah is your God.
and to Allah.
you return.

2190 hari lepas.

kalau dalam banyak doa.
yang tersampai ke langit.

aku mintak.
hari ini.bukan hari yang ini.

sebab perlaku yang tak ternampak
mungkin lebih kejam
dari hunus pisau tajam.

kalau lah.

hari ini.bukan hari ini.

to hope with a hopeless beginning.

i am.

like a disabled.

trying to move my leg.

i am.

like a blind.

trying to see a glimpse of light.

i am.

like a deaf.

trying to hear a note.

i am.

like me.

to hope with a hopeless beginning.

when a soul.

is dying.

on the other side.

i am.

a disabled.a blind.a deaf.

me.

Oh.Allah.

if my tears could drain their thirst.

let me a cry a sea.

if my thoughts could feed their hunger.

let it reach the alps.

and if.

my du'a.

could even be the knight that fights the bad dreams.

let my du'a reach as high.as where You are.

mereka laung nama Tuhan.aku laung nama aku.

saat aku mengomel betapa masinnya lauk semalam.

saat aku mengeluh terjaganya tiduran semalaman.

saat aku memaki kerja.yang tak pernah habis.

saat itu.

mereka.

penyembah Allah.

Tuhan ku
juga.

dicincang perut kelaparan.
dibantalkan konkrit keras berkecai.
dibiar terkulai bagai bangkai.

sungguh.
saat mata kecil hampir tertutup.
tahulah kita.
cahaya syurga terakhir dilihat

mereka.

Tanah lapang hijau yang dijanji Tuhan.
hampir penuh.

oleh mereka.

Tanah lapang bara api.
masih kosong

untuk kita.

jadi.

sampai bila?

tak berhuruf.tak bernombor.

cerita sudah aku tuliskan.
surat sudah aku sampul kan.
setem yang paling mahal sudah aku belikan.
tertampal kuat lebihan gam uhu yang semalam semalam.

semua sudah aku perhabis buat.
sudah siap segala bagai.
tinggal dikirimkan aja.
yang itu.
surat.
yang tak beralamat.

habis dakwat pen murah.
habis kertas nipis dipenuh kata.
dah puas aku curah kan.
sampai jika terkumpul segala kertas.
mungkin sudah habis dijadikan buku.

tapi
surat itu tetap tak beralamat.
masih lagi kosong di atas sampul.

masih lagi.
tak berhuruf.
tak bernombor.

sebab.
mungkin kali.

aku tahu.
setiap surat yang aku kirim ke Tuhan.

tak pernah perlu.
dialamat kan.

insyaAllah.
moga terdengar surat ku.
dalam doa diangkat malaikat.

“Dan apabila hamba-hamba-Ku bertanya kepadamu tentang Aku, maka (jawablah), bahwasanya Aku adalah dekat. Aku mengabulkan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila ia memohon kepada-Ku, maka hendaklah mereka itu memenuhi (segala perintah-Ku) dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepada-Ku, agar mereka selalu berada dalam kebenaran” (QS. 2 : 186).

pada dunia.

cinta aku pada dunia.
tinggi.

teramat tinggi sehingga
hari yang semalam-semalam
masih lagi
aku rindui.

cinta aku pada dunia 
tinggi.

terlalu tinggi.sehingga 
hari yang esok-esok
sering kali
aku impi.

sungguh.
cinta aku pada dunia.

terlalu teramat tinggi.

tapi andai.
dicarik dunia ini.
dan diganti Ilahi.

akan aku berhenti mencintai 
dan akan aku  barlari laju ke ufuk mentari.
hingga dunia yang ke hujung sekali.
dan akan aku campak kan diri.
dengan penuh harap disambut Ilahi.

sungguh.
memang sungguh.
cinta aku pada dunia.

tapi cinta lagi aku.
pada si pencipta dunia.


Verily! We have made that which is on earth as an adornment for it, in order that We may test them (mankind) as to which of them are best in deeds. [i.e.those who do good deeds in the most perfect manner, that means to do them (deeds) totally for Allah's sake and in accordance to the legal ways of the Prophet  ] [18:7]

 And the life of this world is nothing but play and amusement. But far better is the house in the Hereafter for those who are Al-Muttaqun (the pious ). Will you not then understand? [6;32]

tak.

sampahkan ajalah rindu tu kalau yang dirindu itu memang sampah.

kalau aku boleh jerit.
aku pilih engkau untuk aku jeritkan.
kalau aku boleh senyum.
tetap jugak kau lah yang aku senyum kan.

mengeluh panjang.kau buat aku.

tinggal penuh selamat.

atas langit nanti.
akan aku terbang tinggi.
dalam kapal besi.
beratap awan.pasti.

pergi jauh aku lagi.
pulang nya tak pasti.
tapi satu aku janji.
mana pun aku pergi.
tetap pulang nya aku kesini.

bye Malaysia.
i will see you soon.

insyaAllah.

*bernangis sedu macam kanak 5 tahun ditinggal emak*

malu aih.

a short remark.

if i could scream to myself and everyone.

'it takes a fool to abandon God!'

i would.

if.
i.
could.

for today.
i am that fool.
as for tomorrow.
don't let it be you.

aku Neb. kau?

aku.

bukan perempuan cantik berpipi halus.
bukan perempuan lembut bersimpuh rapi.
bukan perempuan pemalu berdiam diri.
bukan perempuan pandai bermadah kata.
bukan perempuan alim bertudung litup.
bukan perempuan manja bersayang mesra.
bukan perempuan kaya bertakhta harta.

dan.
aku.
bukan perempuan yang itu.
pujaan semua.

tapi.
satu tentang aku.

aku.
perempuan yang mampu begitu.

jika mana.
ada yang mampu.
terima aku.


seadanya aku.

ada?

we bow to the same Allah.don't we?

loud noise.outside.
and dust in the air.
an empty tummy.
with a bleeding eye.

feed me.
fix me.
talk about me.

so they know.
i bow to the same Allah.

so why not hold my hands?
wipe my tears.
talk about me.

dear brothers and sisters.
aren't we all aiming for the same door?

so why not hold my hands.
wipe my tears.
talk about me.

between your luxuries.
and your contentment  of your own world.

why not.
think about me.
too?

sincerely,
i.
the one from.
Palestine.
Syria.
Burma.
Africa.

the lands of God.
too.

incase.
you forgot.

sayang.jangan pergi.

belum puas berkasih.
belum habis aku bersayang.
belum cukup mengadu domba.
masih.
belum.

mahu jugak kau pergi.
jauh benar kau lari.
apa badan ku hitam berdaki?
hingga laju biar aku sendiri?

menangis.
aku.
berhabis sedu.
hanya kau bilang.
'maaf sayang.setahun lagi nanti'

berkaca.
jernih.
mata.
berkecai.
seribu.
hati.

benar.
aku sudah jatuh cinta.

terlalu jatuh sampai aku merana.
setahun itu tidak lama.
tapi cukup buat aku lupa.
maka.
jangan pergi.sayang.

kira boleh.
aku titipkan.kata.
akan aku tarik kau rapat-rapat.
erat-erat.
cukup.
untuk perlahan aku bicara.

'jangan pergi dulu.Ramadhan.tolong.jangan'.

agony in a farewell.

to bid farewell.
is.agony.

seeing you.
walking away.
like you never stayed.
that.is.
misery.

too short of a stay.
you stayed.
time is indeed relative.
and how i wish.i owned it.

you.will.be.leaving.again.
and i will be shattered.
again.

its not easy to not fall in love with you.
if i could put in into a sonnet.
for you.
the longest.it will be.

if i could wrap you in my arms.
i would hold you tight.
as tight as i want God.
to hold my heart.

but.
destiny.
has been written.
and if it is written.
that i shall not see you again.
i bid the longest farewell to you. . .



my Ramadhan.

patiently.i shall wait.
in loyalty.and in debt.

my footsteps.at those places.

if i could choose a place to stay.i'd pick this place.

a small house between the valleys with chimney on it.

-Interlaken.2012- 

if i could choose a place to watch the sunset.i'd pick this place.

  a cool late afternoon with a hand to hold close.

-Florence.2012- 

if i could choose a place to walk aimlessly.i'd pick this place.

a nice pair of shoes.with a partner to walk with.

-Venice.2012-

if i could just choose a place to sit and look.i'd pick this place.

an old wooden bench with a nice ice lemon tea.

-Bern.2012-

if i could choose a place to die.i'd pick this place.

a small grave by the side with a head stone on it.

-Mecca.2012-

and . . . 

if i could choose a place to end at.i'd pick this place.

with God by the side.and a heart that is calm.

-Heaven.infinity-

travel far and away.there will always be a better place to be at.
and its called.

Heaven.

'And march forth in the way (which leads to) forgiveness from your Lord, and for Paradise as wide as the heavens and the earth. . . ' [3:133]

insyaAllah.

tak adil!

'kenapa.kalau dah diberi hidup aku ni.
kenapa tak mati kan aja  saat aku tak dapat apa yang aku nak'

bilang orang.

dan ini.
bilang aku.


percayalah.


kalau semua benda perlu Allah terangkan dalam hidup ini.
maka siapa Tuhan.siapa hamba?


hidup ini.
kalau kita tengok.


memang tak adil.
ada yang hidup senang.
ada yang nak hidup pun susah.


tapi.itu kalau kita tengok hidup ini dengan mata kita.
bukan dengan hati.


hidup ini adil.
sangat adil.
kenapa?
sebab yang merancang hidup ini.
adalah si Dia yang Maha Adil.


tapi kita ni manusia.
teralalu gopoh untuk berhenti lihat.
yang sebenarnya.
semua benda yang telah Allah rancang.
semua nya teratur.


cuma kita ini.terlalu buta.untuk.perasan.


tahulah.


orang yang miskin.itu.
diberi miskin.
sebab ada nya sifat sabar.


dan orang yang kaya itu.
diberi kaya.
sebab ada nya sifat pemurah.


adil itu bukan macam mengagih beras.
mengikut takar.
tapi adil itu pada benda yang terlalu halus untuk kita sedar dan lihat.


'aku ni miskin.susah aja hidup.mana ada adil ni'


kalau lah Allah itu tak adil.
tak akan Dia susul kan kemiskinan itu dengan
ketabahan.
kesabaran.
dan yang penting.

jaminan syurga.

'aku ni sakit.susah aja hidup.nanti mati juga.kalau adil kenapalah dihidupkan'

kalau lah Allah itu tidak adil.
tak akan diberi nafas.
tak akan diberi masa untuk bertungkus lumus.
untuk ada sabar dalam sakit.
sebab yang penting.

jaminan syurga.

'aku ni bodoh.belajar pun tak pandai.kalau lahir hanya semata-mata jadi supir.apa adil itu'

kalau lah Allah itu tidak adil.
tak akan diwujudkan rasa bersyukur dan redha.
pada tiap hati makhluk yang degil.
sungguh yang penting.

jaminan syurga.

 'aku ni kaya.semuanya ada.buat apalah aku hidup lagi.ini semua adil ke'

kalau lah Allah itu tidak adil.
tak akan pernah ada perkataan sedekah.
amal khusus.yang hanya buat makhlukNya yang kikir.
pasti yang penting.

jaminan syurga.

semua nya memang dah adil. cuma manusia yang tak pernah adil dalam hidup yang penuh adil ini.

miskin itu diberi.dan diganti sabar.
tapi ada yang tak sabar.
jadi.
mana mungkin.
manisnya adil.
dapat dirasa.

sakit itu diberi.dan diganti masa.
tapi masa yang ada tak pernah diambil kira.
jadi.
mana mungkin.
manisnya adil.
dapat dirasa.

 kebodohan diberi.diganti dengan syukur.
tapi apa yang masih ada.belum lagi mewujudkan syukur.
jadi.
mana mungkin.
manisnya adil.
dapat dirasa.

jangan kita bilang Allah itu penghukum.
yang mencipta dunia hanya sekadar mainan.

sebab sungguh.
kalau lah dunia ini tak Dia ciptakan.
mana mungkin kita tahu apa itu mainan.

apa yang Allah rancangkan.
berhenti kita soal.
sebab kalau lah memang kita ini hebat.
nyata sekali.kitalah Tuhan.
dan bukan Dia.

berhenti.simpan dendam pada Pencipta.
Dia terlalu baik.untuk dibalas dengan cara yang itu.
jangan jadi si gopoh yang melihat dunia hanya bagai.perhentian yang akhir.

kalau masih susah juga hidup ini Allah beri.
senyum.
sebab sudah dijanji.
syurga itu lebih menyenangkan.
bagi mereka yang mahu.

'....boleh jadi kamu benci kepada sesuatu padahal ia baik bagi kamu, dan boleh jadi kamu suka kepada sesuatu padahal ia buruk bagi kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah jualah Yang Mengetahui (semuanya itu), sedang kamu tidak mengetahuinya. '

Baqarah.216.

what is it Neb????

Few days back.
Somebody had the courage to ask me.
In a very curious tone.
'Neb.what do you know about jodoh'

great.another unsolved question that i was asked to answer.
silently.i spoke.

'well.it depends on what you want to know about jodoh'

'EVERYTHING' the person said.

and so.
with His names.Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim.
i begin.
answering.

putting my opinions as close as possible.
because.
if you want facts.
this is not the post you should be reading.
full.stop.

---------------

'so.jodoh eh?'
i said.with sweats and gulps. 

to me.
jodoh.
is a beautiful secret.of Allah.
that if we were to trade it with the whole world.
still.
it wouldn't suffice to its beauty.
that.
is.
jodoh.

a mother.mothering a child.
is a jodoh.

a friend.becoming friends.
is a jodoh.

a teacher teaching a student.
is a jodoh.

and the most famous one.
a man to wed a woman.
is also a jodoh.

a point of meet.
that Allah have made possible.
yes.
to begin with.
that is jodoh.
according to me.

'ok.now explain further on that man and woman thing'
the person asked.

aahhhh.... i grinned.
not surprised.
not surprised.at all.
this has always been the most famous ponder of all amongst human kinds.
the LOVE jodoh.i call it.

with partial confidence of knowledge.
and full confidence of honesty.
i answered.
--------
imagine you are walking in a crowd of 7 billion people.
packed.

and for that split moment.
out of that 7 billion people.
you bumped into that one particular person.
that one person.that you would remember.

now.
that.is jodoh.

take that analogy.
and bring it back to reality.

all these years we are living.
encountering hundreds of people.
making acquaintances to many others.
having countless amount of friends.

all of that is jodoh.
written by Allah.
many years ago.
it has all been written.
that at one point in life.
we'll meet this person.and that person.
such and such.
and so.
jodoh.
marks the point right when you first meet the person.
be it.a brief meet.
or a long one.
without that first meet.
that Allah has made possible.
it would not be considered as jodoh.
in the first place.

and so.
if you ask.
do i believe in.
'jodoh tidak akan datang bergolek' ?

i would say.
no.

because.
i do believe jodoh.datang bergolek.

the first bump.
the first hello.
the first salam.
the first look.

everything.
has been planned  out by Allah.
and as we all know.everything that Allah has planned.
we can never distort.

'Then,what happens to the process of jodoh itself?wouldn't that be considered as jodoh too?'

again i was asked.
and i pondered for a while.
trying to find an easier way to make everything makes sense.

and so.i said.

get inside a car.
drive it to a place.
any place you want.
and arrive. there.

now.we relate.

the possibility to drive that car.
is the gift of jodoh from Allah.
the way we handle our driving.
is our effort to value that jodoh.
arriving at the destination.
is the reward from Allah.
and.
the destination itself.
is the indicator.of how we handle our drive.


i believe.
everything that happens between it.
it is all left to us.
jodoh.will still come.
in what so ever way.
even without us looking for it.
and in between all of it.that is.
attempt.

what we need to be doing.
is not to worry about the car.and the destination.

what we should be doing. 
is to focus on the drive itself and getting to the destination.

to preserve all the meets that Allah planned.
with the ones we have met.meeting.and to meet.

at the end of the day.
everyone will get into a car.
we just need to learn how to drive.and that is all.
so that when we arrive at the destination.
it'll be a worth while destination.
to arrive at.

preserve your jodoh with your parents.
so that they remain as your parents till Jannah.

preserve your jodoh with your friends.
so that you hold hands  with them in Jannah.

and.

preserve your jodoh with everyone you meet.
because you never know.
they might be the one.guiding you to Jannah.

remember.
everything that starts well.
ends well.

and to me.
the thing that makes is so beautiful.
about jodoh.
is that.
it is very much unknown.
but there lies.
good assurance.
in it.
worry not. :)

even years.

even after years.

your first hye.
and your last goodbye.

will.
still.
affect me.

with conscious.
and subconsciously.

it will.

and i would trade my world.
to change all that.
just so i know.
my memory.

is forever clean.

from.
the thought.of.you.

10 tonnes.

i miss Allah.

honestly.
truthfully.
sincerely.

i miss Him.

10 tonnes heavy.
10 tonnes heavy was my heart when i woke up this morning.
for no solid reason.
i just want to crawl deep into my veins.
and swim right to my heart.and say.

'hush.little heart.why the frown face?'

i miss Allah.
she says.
i just miss Him.
so bad.

'And know that Allah comes in between a person and his heart' [8:24]

and if this is a way.
just the way.
so that i will miss You in whatever way.
then.
let my heart be 10 tonnes heavy.
for every morning i wake.
so that i know.
You are that something.
that special something.
that comes in between me.
and my heart.

oh Allah.
without this obscure.
consciousness.
i.
wouldn't.
have remembered you.

so.
thank You.
----------------------------

sometimes.
there will be a day.
even if we are the king.
that owns the wealth and the loyalty of the earth.
still.that foreign feeling.
indescribable by words.
comes to visit.

just.be pleased.
it might be Allah.
wanting  you to miss Him.

insyaAllah.

the many good people.i met.

they were making jokes.

they were laughing.

they were smiling.

they were.

having.

fun.

how my heart grew bigger that night.
the moment when i met them.
with the same intention.with the same inspiration.with the same mission.

just.simply.
purely.

to help.

those in need.

and the honour.is mine.

that night.we cooked.we packed.and we gave.

and that night too.

we came back.

in hope.for bags full of good deeds.in return.

and a bigger heart.to help.

even more.

insyaAllah.
:)

Ramadhan yang berkali-kali

ade orang dulu.pernah bilang.
'ah Neb.kaw yer2 je bulan puase ni.baik gile kaw plak kan. sampai nak bertudung semua bagai.sat lagi pagi raye.setan balik lah kau'

aku diam.
tunduk.
hurm.
mungkin ada benar.

jadi.
aku diam.
buat apa nak bentak.
buat apa nak melalak.
kalau yang dicakap.
lebih dekat pada benar dari tipu.

jadi.Ramadhan yang itu.
Ramadhan yang untuk ke berapa kali.
yang keberapa kali itu.untuk aku cuba lagi.
cuba.cuba.dan cuba.lagi.
untuk paham.
siapa itu.ILAHI.

asal nya.
semua yang jadi,
semua atas dasar rasa segan.
dah kalau satu kelas sembahyang.
tak akan lah aku seorang.duduk tepi tiang.
tunggu macam orang bangang.
kan?

maka.wudhu' yang jarang aku ambil tu.
aku ambil.walau dengan penuh rasa malu.
aku basah kan jugak.muka.kaki.tangan.sampai ke siku.
semua nya.aku basahkan.

'alaaaa.
sembahyang aja lah Neb.
bukan susah pun.
bukan nya kau tak pernah sembahyang.
dulu kecik-kecik pun kau sembahyang'

aku cakap sorang.

lepas sembahyang yang itu.
aku sembahyang lagi.
lagi dan lagi.
lama-lama.
sembahyang yang selalu aku elak.
dah jadi macam kunci dan selak.
selagi tak bercantum.
selagi itu.aku tak tersenyum.

jadi.
aku.sembahyang.
walau sekali dalam sehari.
tetap aku buat.
'eh.asal lah aku susah-susah ni.tiap kali sembahyang.kena ambil wudhu'.
tiap kali sembahyang kena berebut telekung surau.
tiap kali sembahyang kena cecah lantai habuk.
asal susah-susah ni?'

namun.
dalam diam merungut.
masih lagi aku gerak kan kaki dan tangan.
masih lagi aku buat.
jadi.yang itu.
itu adalah.
Ramadhan.
Ramadhan aku.

semuanya.
sekali lagi.
bermula dengan segan.
segan lah.
kalau dah semua orang bertudung.
aku seorang telanjang.
penat jugak.asyik-asyik nak mengelak.
tiap kali nampak ustaz lalu depan.
penat dah nak tunduk.buat-buat tak kenal.terus jalan.
aku penat.
dengan malu.
jadi.
'ah.pakai ajalah tudung ni.paling-paling sebulan aku pakai jugak.
bukan tak pernah pakai pun.dulu tiap kali kelas agama. aku sarung kan jugak.kan?
pakai aja lah.nak malu apa. kalau sebulan pun aku pakai.paling-paling.rambut tak kena
panas.nanti dah habis sebulan.kita tengok macam mana'

maka.
sehelai kain.
aku letak kan.
atas kepala seorang yang bongkak.
sebulan.aku letak.
itulah yang aku buat.
sebulan.sekali.
itu pun.tak pernah lengkap.
kalau tak kain.paling-paling.aku pakai hoodie.

jadi.
aku.bertudung.
walau sebulan dalam setahun.
tetap aku bertudung.
'eh asal lah aku susah-susah.tiap kali bertudung.kena gosok dulu.
tiap kali bertudung.aku nampak selekeh.tiap kali bertudung.kepala mesti berpeluh.
asal susah-susah ni?'

namun.
dalam diam merungut.
masih lagi aku sarungkan kain yang itu.
masih lagi aku buat.
jadi yang itu.
itu adalah.
Ramadhan.
Ramadhan aku.

habis Ramadhan.
benar.
aku masih lagi yang dulu.
tapi yang dulu.bukan lagi aku.
dalam sembahyang yang jarang-jarang.
dalam aurat yang tak pernah lengkap.
aku.
bukan.aku.
tapi.kalau dah kepala keras macam batu.
kau bilang lah apa saja.tetap aku buat tak tahu.
ha.yang itu.aku
tapi.

diam diam.walau tak mengaku.
aku tahu.
aku.
bukan.aku.
yang dulu.

2 Ramadhan yang itu.
3 tahun yang lalu.
buat aku keliru.
Ramadhan dah habis.
kenapa masih lagi aku sebuk-sebuk nak sembahyang?
kenapa masih lagi skirt-skirt,short-short tu semua aku nak buang?
kalau batu itu keras.kepala aku lagi keras.
aku kembali aku.
dan Tuhan?

Tuhan masih di situ.
dan tanpa aku sedar.
2 kali Ramadhan yang itu.
Dia.tengok betul-betul dekat aku.

walau setahun lepas itu.aku tunggu.
mungkin.dalam solat yang berterabur.
dalam cubaan menutup yang tak berapa nak jadi.
Dia.bantu.aku.

maka dari itu.
dengan macam cara.
dengan apa cara.
lepas puas aku lari beribu batu.
Allah pilih aku.
untuk tak lagi jadi aku.
untuk aku sedar.
mungkin dah masanya.
aku benar sujud pada lantai yang berhabuk itu.
aku benar tutup aurat aku yang satu itu.

dan.
dalam aku sedar.atau tak.
aku minta sedikit aja sebenarnya.
aku minta biar aku sembahyang 5 kali sehari.
aku minta biar aku menutup dengan rendah diri.
itu je?

tapi kalau dah Maha Pemberi.
Dia mesti beri yang lebih.
jadi aku berhenti tanya kenapa.
kenapa aku?
sebab.aku tahu.
kalau bukan aku.
aku sendiri lah yang rugi.

jadi.ada orang tanya.
setahun yang lepas.
'Neb kenapa berubah?'

jawapan aku sangat mudah.

Islam itu terlalu indah.
untuk aku tidak berubah. :)

sembahyang lah.walau sekali.
mungkin yang sekali itu.yang Allah tunggu.

berniat lah.walau sekali.
mungkin yang sekali itu.pengubah nasib mu.

dan 2 Ramadhan itu.
walau lambat berlalu.
tetap.mengubah aku.

insyaAllah.

you came back! :D

we meet every year.
and every year you came.
each year you came.
its always my sadness that you tame.

its never a long visit.
a brief one.every time.
but you came.
nonetheless.
without shame.
i sit and wait.

i know.
i appreciate you never.
though i know too.
its always you.
that i remember.
if you still remember.
great fun.
it was last year.
you came.with packs of smiles.
pure joy. even for a while.

but.
when its over.
you just had to go.
we parted.
and the grief became me.
how i wish you would stay.
but you were never mine.
so you say.

i surrendered.
i let you walk away.
and i cried.though i never cried for you.
instead.you told me.
its okay. with Allah's will.
we'll meet again.
and i waited.
and waited.
and waited.
but you never came.

now.
after a long wait.
with hopes and cries.
a year full of ache.
finally.
in front of me.
you came.

you greeted.
Salam Neb.

with a smile i replied.
Salam to you too.

Ramadhan.  :)