the last call.

day 60.

you called again.and i was glad.glad not because i miss you.but because i get to talk to you as how i should to all this whilst.
and glad i get to tell you what i should have told you all this whilst.and i've done my job now.and all i have now is your name in my prayers.and that is how far we can ever go.only in prayers.

i felt sad.angry.unsatisfied.betrayed.fooled before.and i thought you are now somebody's possesion.but now i understand.you are God's possession and i was just borrowing you from him.and now.i am returning you back to him.i trade you with God's love instead.and i hope you would have done the same too.but if its still world you see.then one day i hope God accepts my prayers so that one day you'll find your way too.

and if you have chosen another God's creation over me.then i chose God over you.be happy with what you left me for.because i shall be happy when you are.for i hope nothing but the best for me.and for you.

so today i decided to wait.but not for you.but for anyone that God thinks suits me best.but if its you that God destined me to be with,then let you be the best version of you.because i want to be the best version of me for you.

so don't be sad Neb.you have made a good trade.La Tahzan dear self...

so to Wednesday,let it be the last call.i hope.because you trade my love with another creation of Him as easily as breathing.but please know.i trade you over His love.and my trade is the best.

so...
to a stranger now to me.my prayers will be with you.but pray for yourself too,because i fear prayers from my sinful self would never be enough.

love her more than me.because you chose her.but love God more.because He chose you.

so dear Wednesday..please don't let it come again.i may be strong on the outside.but im as brittle as a glass on the inside.and only He knows.

a nervous and a crit.

day 53.

i am nervous.for a reason.

and i am ashamed for a reason too.

nervous because of tomorrow.

and ashamed because of how easy i get nervous over tomorrow.over such earthly matters.

and was never nervous because of You.

sigh.

what a waste of almost 3 decades of years living eh? never once do i took the chance to really feel the need to fear You.to respect You.and to get nervous over You.even when saying Your name.

and today.i get nervous.over such small thing i call crit? what is wrong with me? have i lost my mind? not knowing which is more important.not knowing which is more beneficial.oh.if only i knew better.

and if only i could change this feeling when i confront You in my prayers.so that i know its You that i need to fear.its You that i need to respect.and its You that i need to feel nervous for.

so today.forgive me for the many years of not feeling nervous when talking to You.when asking for Your help.and when being only a servant.and forgive me for thinking that the world owns my soul and possesses my physique .because i know better now than i know before.that only You OWN me.in every way.

so to Wednesday.teach me how to be scared to God.because there is nothing more worth being scared for than Him.
and to Thursday.i fear you not if its not from Him.

so today lets be scared people.be scared for the right reason.because the fear that we have might just bring us to a better place.

aspiration.

day 59.

is a day full of aspiration

aspiration of a mother who wants happiness badly for her son.

aspiration of a lover who longs for loyalty in love.

aspiration of a servant who seeks forgiveness from her God.

so that is Tuesday.

to the mother.May God see your patience and answer your prayers.and don't you worry.you are not alone.im praying for your son too.

to the lover.May God grant you loyalty not just in love but in everything you seek.

to the servant.May you feel lucky.for your God is the Most forgiving of all.

so to a mother,a lover and a servant.hope for happiness,loyalty and forgiveness from the only One.because you will never acquire disappointment in return from Him.

that is Tuesday to me.what did you aspire for for your Tuesday people?

Edcoustic - Di Persimpangan Aku Berdiri (With lyric)

day 58 is a song.

and sometimes its this kind of songs that relates to you the most.
so let me not be a rockstar fan anymore.because.they speak my mind the least now.
this does.

so to Monday.
i let these words be my words.for today.

so people, what signifies you today?

we are humans.and we have feelings.

day 57.

is a day full of reasons not to do work.invalid reasons.and i despise myself today for it.

procrastination has always been an issue.but this time its a disease that will never go away.

and today many times wasted thoughts came across.and i don't know why.

and today many times i avoid it.but i turn back in becoming just a human being with feelings.i don't know why.

and today i accidentally missed a person.i don't know why.

and today..........

i planned today so much until i forgot.God is there.and He decides it first.

so silly me for being silly today.yes.i am a human with feelings but i am also a servant with a God.

so push aside those feelings Neb.and see that it is a bless to be able to feel.be it happy or sad.but those feelings are only valid if you put God then you.in that order.

put Him first.and you shall see how easy it is to have feelings.

so people who gets to live a Sunday today.did you feel happy and sad for the right purpose in the right order? if you don't its ok.there is still a Monday to look forward to. :)

little.

day 55.

is a really great day.so great that i wish every day is this Saturday.

funny how sometimes we can be really happy over the littlest things.

and funny how sometimes such big things in life let us experience only a glimpse of its happiness..whereas the littlest thing..need not i say more..gives the most.

so today,the littlest things in life made me long for such Saturday again.and i don't need to dream of fantasy anymore.because reality has all the littlest things i need.

so today.a knowledge was obtained and a forgiveness was asked.and those two little things.combine together giving me the greatest happiness a Neb could ever ask for.

so today i learnt.God created the small things so that small creations like us could get the biggest happiness out of it.appreciate the little things around us.because it might just be the key to a big gate of that great ending.

so thank you Saturday.and to the rest of the days ahead..you are such a great competitor for future days indeed.
may your Saturday be so little yet so big :)

malfunction

day 54.

and blogspot had a problem.again.humans' creations are not perfect.only God's are.

and an account that was deleted was magically undeleted because of the urge wanting to be among the world web again.oh.again.facebook caught me.i can never act as an 18th century girl when i am in the 21st.so Neb stop trying.there is a reason for you to be born now and not before.so embrace the technology and use it wisely.for it may be a bridge in showing how great my religion is and not the opposite.

so today.a long chat with someone who clearly knows better about my religion was refreshing.and i'm glad i spared a moment to realise.if i'm too busy chasing earthly matters all the time when will i have time to know that there is a greater thing after life we call Heaven.

so Thursday was filled with nervous.but a good nervous for the right purpose.and Friday.was spent like there is no other Friday better than this.with long talk of good deeds.indeed.

once or twice.you crossed my mind.but this time i let it pass by like how i let my fantasy go.because reality means more to me now.and you..

you are just a fantasy.

so today i hope.another good Friday will visit me again.because.its days like these that make you realise that God does exist and He cares. :)

a nervous and a crit.

day 53.

i am nervous.for a reason.

and i am ashamed for a reason too.

nervous because of tomorrow.

and ashamed because of how easy i get nervous over tomorrow.over such earthly matters.

and was never nervous because of You.

sigh.

what a waste of almost 3 decades of years living eh? never once do i took the chance to really feel the need to fear You.to respect You.and to get nervous over You.even when saying Your name.

and today.i get nervous.over such small thing i call crit? what is wrong with me? have i lost my mind? not knowing which is more important.not knowing which is more beneficial.oh.if only i knew better.

and if only i could change this feeling when i confront You in my prayers.so that i know its You that i need to fear.its You that i need to respect.and its You that i need to feel nervous for.

so today.forgive me for the many years of not feeling nervous when talking to You.when asking for Your help.and when being only a servant.and forgive me for thinking that the world owns my soul and possesses my physique .because i know better now than i know before.that You OWN me.in every way.

so to Wednesday.teach me how to be scared to God.because there is nothing more worth being scared for than Him.
and to Thursday.i fear you not if its not from Him.

so today lets be scared people.be scared for the right reason.because the fear that we have might just bring us to a better place.

a video

day 52 is only a video.

only a video that has got me to think what have i done for the rest of my 51 days before.
watch it.and let us realise how ungrateful of us to think all the misfortunes we've experienced are simply misfortunes.when the fact is.it is a bless to be tested by Him.



have a good Tuesday that starts with a repent everyone. :)

abandoned

day 51.

is a blessed monday with pouring rain.and followed with a sunshine.

i miss you.
where have you been?
did you forget about me?
do you hate me now?
don't you love me anymore?
can i always be your loved one?
i'll share your love.i promise.....God.

basically that was how Monday felt like.
filled with plenty of misses and wonders.

please don't let me go astray again.please.

today,these are my questions.

why do i feel this way? and what is this feeling?


its like having a conversation with someone with no reply.
its like missing someone without a return.
and its like looking for someone with no clue.

and at times i get so scared of being abandoned that i strive so hard to let Him notice that its Him that i chose.
i know its never enough.i know its never perfect.
but.those slight response from Him was more than enough.and i am more scared than ever now.that it'll go away.
please don't.
i'll show You,i'll love You more.i promise.
please.if i don't deserve Your love.at least let me keep You in my heart.
please.let me.

Monday.you made me feel.scared.and that made me want to strive harder.thank you.

LYLA JANTUNG HATIKU

for you who has always been there.a friend. :)

a letter to dear boy and somebody.

day 50.

half of 100 days.

and somebody asked.whats whit the songs Neb?

they are just songs.the wordings mean nothing.and no don't you worry good friends.i took that piece of my heart already.and gave it to the right one.to God.
so that one day He'll pass it to someone good. :)

so today i posted two songs.but was mistakenly thought for the wrong person.because when i posted it.i posted it for the tunes.not the meaning it has behind it.

and today was a quiet day.quiet enough for me to shut myself in the room and let fantasy rules.

and yes.a friend shared a story,a beautiful one indeed,about aiming for beauty and not perfection.

so a letter to a boy that used to be dear to me,
dear boy,
i may have not been perfect for or to you.
but my imperfection will be seen as beauty to somebody one day.if its not you
because God created me not to be perfect but to be filled with beauty.
no one says perfection is beauty.
because if it is.then no one is beautiful my dear.since no one is perfect either.so are you.
so one last letter to a boy who failed to see my beauty.
i have no perfection to offer.nothing but the beauty of my love given by Him.
and if you can't see that,then maybe that piece of my heart that i tore for you will be forever left with a hole,because you clearly did not give a piece of yours as a replacement.
so dear boy.for now.i'll paste it with a glue of faith and stuff it with tissues of hopes.
that maybe one day.if its not a piece of your heart that i stuff and glue,it'll be someone's piece of heart that is worth the long wait.

so today i learnt to write another letter.and allow words to come from my heart.that particular hole of my heart.and it goes something like this.

a letter to somebody that may or may not exist.

dear somebody,
God wants me to cut a piece of my heart for you.i already did.but i don't know to whom i should give it to.
so forgive me if i am lost along the way.but don't you worry.i have asked a map from God.and i won't be too lost and too long to wait.
so dear somebody,
i may have not known you.and we may have not met.
or i may have met you.but i may have not really known you.
but please know dear somebody.i have cut the piece of my heart nicely for you.so glue it with your strong faith and your lovely hopes.because i hope it'll fit.and give me yours too.so that this time i can stuff that piece of hole with not just worldly tissues and shredded disappointing papers but with your piece of heart that is cut nicely for me too. :)
so dear somebody,
whether you are a good friend,a close friend,a friend or a just a stranger.
ask for a map too please.because if i am lost.i'll have God to guide me and you to find me .

so to sunday the 50th day.
i wrote a letter.and may the 50th day of somebody receive it one day.

how was your sunday everyone? less flaws and more fixes i hope :)

Someday

not today.but someday

Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy (Animation)

misfortunes.

day 49.

is a day before half of 100 days promised.

saturday.i have not looked out at the window.afraid to see another bright sun a remark of the beginning of another day and another day was wasted again yesterday.when will you learn Neb? time is something you borrowed from God.not owned.borrow it.don't own it.

a phone call was again received.and i should really try to drink the lemon tea this time.so that i can taste its sweetness.so for yesterday's call.i forgive you.only because i am looking for the sweetness of forgiveness.

so yesterday,God was generous with me,He faced me with a misfortune so that i can grab the chance of being patient and forgiving.

and for yesterday, in spite of the loneliness and the business of life.one person remained a friend.
a person i can find a friend in him,and a person he can find a friend in me.
again.God is generous.if only i could gather the the whole good deeds of the world.as a return.
if only.

so Friday taught me.see misfortunes as chances.that way,you'll never lose anything because of it.
trade your misfortunes with good deeds.believe me.it'll be a worth while exchange. :)

so to Saturday.allow me to change my adversities with good deeds.because i am in the journey of ending Him next to me.
so to all.allow Saturday to be the best Saturday of today.
happy Saturday :)

forgiveness is to be sought and given.

day 48.

is a friday.

the sun is still shy.maybe too soon to tell.

i am awake from a very long sleep.a wasted sleep i would say.because of that sleep.that particular sleep.
made me missed a valuable knowledge slot of yesterday.knowledge of God.that i traded it with a slumber that was filled with useless dreams.

oh Neb.why did you?

anyway.a regret remains a regret.not unless i do something with it.so for next week's slot.i would make sure.i make good use out of it.

so for today what awaits i don't know.
today i am not a fortune teller nor a God.today i am just a somebody that hopes this day would be a less wasted day than yesterday :)

to friday,
a word came across my mind this morning.as my soul returned from a short death.
FORGIVENESS.

yes.that came.maybe accidently or purposely.but it came nonetheless.
maybe because of my yesterday's sins or maybe because of others' sins of yesterday.

so i stood and not sat.and i took a deep breath and really take time to understand what is forgiveness?
is it something you utter? or is it something you do?

do we really forgive? and do we really feel forgiveness?

what and how does forgiveness feel?

yes.we say.forgive me.and you are forgiven.but what does it really mean? and how does it really feel?have we ever wondered?

and today after countless of forgiveness asked and forgiven given.i truly beyond explanation do not understand what it is?
indeed i am as clueless as a monkey this friday morning.

has it been all this whilst we think the forgivenesses we've uttered and done are the real forgivenesses?
and without realising it,it is far from what true forgiveness is.maybe just maybe,there is a real sweetness of forgiveness that God has promised.and we thought all this time.we have had it.and we settled with what we thought wrong.

oh.if only i know how sweet forgiveness is.i would say it.do it.every breath that i take.if only.

so early of today.i realised.i have a mission.a mission to be able to feel the sweetness of forgiveness.
and i figured.if want to taste the lemon tea.i have to drink it.and if i want to feel the warmth of the sun,i have to go out.
so..if i want to feel true forgiveness.i must be forgiving.and seek for forgiveness.everytime i get the chance.

so Neb.if someone wrong you today,look at it not as a misfortune,but a chance for you to get closer to the sweetness of a real forgiveness.

so Neb.if you wrong someone today,look at it not as a unintentional flaw,but a chance to fix that unintentional flaw.


to people,lets give it a try together.shall we? because God's words and promises are not a waste.there must be something behind it.now it depends on us to dig and find it.afterall what is life for if not to be explored?

and
to Friday,may you bring me closer to the real joy of forgiveness.

this time today.lets not just say,and do.lets feel it. :) have a good Friday everyone.

trade.

day 47.

a day full of work and none to be missed.

its not as bright as yesterday.the sun seemed to be shy today.

oh its ok sun.there is still tomorrow.

retail therapy done yesterday was a great help.not to my pocket.but to my desires.

you cross my mind often lately.more often than you used to.

and i'm beginning to fear.fear that i will forget God.and He will forget me.

each day of the day ahead after the phone call was not lived fully.and again i have become ungrateful for each breath that is lent to me by Him.

this such great care towards you is unavoidable.but it does not mean i am willing to trade God's love for you.
i refused to.

and today.i fight again.fight this unsatisfied and unsettled feelings that i no not.and i may not have an army with their horses and their blades behind me.but i have words and promises of God.and if that is the only army i have.i will fight even better and stronger.because i know.the best army of all.comes only from Him.

so today you may be what i desire in this world.but not in the life after world that i desire more.

so today.i fought.and tomorrow i'll fight again.for i have no reason to trade Heaven with world.

and my truthfulness should not be yours to keep.for you have trade it with your lies and your tricks.

may we fight better tomorrow people :)

pretentious

day 46.

and i woke up with a dream from last night.

Liverpool was bright and warm yesterday.how i wish it was Malaysia.

load of work is still under control.but i am beginning to slave myself to it.

a yesterday that was filled with an afternoon nap that ended up being an evening sleep.

first lecture of yesterday was not easy.not a word was installed in the brain.my mind was diverted somewhere else.which i don't even know what and where.so i do what i do best.i pretended.like i have the whole knowledge of the world at my palm.how i wish.

that.was indeed the longest aimless lecture i have been to.nonetheless i tried.

models are almost done.a few more to go and i'll be off doing something else.indeed this is going to be a really long month.but i guess i need it to be.so that your name in my brain cells will be occupied with useful knowledge that i will somehow use it at one point of my life.and by then i will not have to pretend that i am ok.for at this moment i am not.

so it is ok long month.i welcome you.

so to yesterday.i learnt.we are such pretentious creatures.how many of us really do show our feelings and our thoughts each day we live? and how many of us bold enough to even not pretend?

if none is the answer then i won't be surprised.
we suppress our feelings and thoughts for the good and the bad.and at one point.that pretentious life that we're living will soon be so real that we can't even justify which is which.

at this point..i am really thankful for i have a God that knows everything.so that even when i'm pretending.He knows.and if i turn back to Him,He will justify which is which and i won't be lost anymore.

so to yesterday that was filled with masquarade moments,may today be different.for i always have a God to guide me.

to Wednesday,let me take my mask now.for i am sick of pretending :)

thousands of miles.

day 45.

the thought of being immobile in one place for hours is torturing enough.but the actual experience is even more worse.

and today i started my journey from a yesterday.bringing hope and will to succeed after 3 whole weeks of an unproductive life lead.

and today i brought along a heart that beats because of you.God.

and today i brought along a heart that is hurt because of your creation God.

i travel thousands of miles to find that the love that i need all these whilst is the love from one.from You.

and the phone call received from somebody who spoke nothing but lies was painful indeed.as if being cheated was not enough.but take this as a privelege Neb.for God knows you are strong and let you take this test for one last time.so that you will not again fail.

and all those time.my love was pure.but a pure love is only pure when it is towards the right one.

so today i learnt.a long transit should be avoided at all cause.
and a pure love is only for Him.not His creations.

so it's ok.hurt me all you want.for i always have God to talk to :)

14 hours.

day 44.

and today.im going back again.

hye Liverpool.bye Malaysia.i'll miss you i promise.

and to family and friends.thank you for making those 3 weeks a wonderful one indeed.

a heart was broken and a heart was also healed. :)

so i'll end today with a smile up in the air and a hope that i'll be back soon.

cheers Malaysia and to all the people inside it..

post-script : Neb has grown.because of Malaysia.so today God.thank you for making my country a country i love :)