backpacking.

i'll be away for a while.
nothing will be written after this post.
not because i dismiss this job to my God.
but because i know He has better plans for me.

my words are His.
and for now its not meant to be written here.
may we all find peace in this world we call life.

salam.

alahai.

mahu jerit terlolong.
biar orang tahu meminta tolong.
biar sekalian tahu.
berat apa atas bahu.
hari ini.dongak tinggi.
sibuk mencari Ilahi.
tika semua jauh dari hati.
baru tersedar semacam gini.

alahai.diri.
bila hilang.baru sibuk mencari Tuhan.
bila senang.baru lupa adanya Tuhan.

alahai.malu.
pada Kau Rabb.
bicara semacam munafik.
hari ini begini.
esok hari lain yang bunyi.
untung untung Kau buat nya taubat.
dalam sakit sakit masih ada yang terubat.

alahai.malu.
ulang ulang maaf yang sama.
sesal semantara.
esok kembali yang sama.
sampai ada yang terlupa.

alahai.dunia.
kenapa perlu cantik belaka?
punca segala alpa.
nak dibanding syurga.
jauh kaki dari kepala.
tapi kenapa bukan syurga yang diminta?

alahai.manusia.
pusing pusing kemana mana.
tak kan terjumpa.
tanah yang tak berpunya.
kenapa perlu ulang dosa yang sama?
jika tahu tanah kaki terpijak rata.
sudah tentu bukan kita yang punya.

alahai Tuhan.
sungguh Kau Ihsan.
penuh belas kasihan.
makhluk sebegini rupa.masih Kau kahsiankan.
sungguh kalau nanti aku jauh dan tak pulang.
harap nanti Kau titip kan ajaran.
biar sedar diri aku ini hanya daging yang bertulang.

--------------------------------------

kadang kadang kita rindu semacam.
tapi tak tahu kenapa.
haaaa..itu rindu Tuhan namanya.

alahai Tuhan.
Rindu lah.

jangan ambil barang aku.pinjam sahaja.

hey kau si peminjam.
yer kau.
kau yang meminjam waktu.
nafas.harta.hidup.
beradab lah seperti peminjam.

nanti suatu masa.
pulangkan.
segala apa yang diberi dulu.
yang dulu bersih dan baru.
ingat nanti dipulangkan.
juga harus begitu.

jadi apa kau buat hey peminjam.
kenapa kau kotorkan apa yang dipinjam.
sudah kau lupa adab meminjam?
atau mungkin.
memang kau bongkak.
lupa siapa di atas ketika mendongak.
ingat.
besar beza antara pinjaman dan milik.
sungghu berhentilah menyangka semua itu mutlak.semua itu hak.
sebab mata yang melihat.
suara yang keluar.
telinga yang mendengar.
tangan yang mengangkat.
kaki yang melangkah.
akal yang memikir.
dan hati yang merasa.
itu pinjaman.

jadi hey peminjam.
jaga kan kau.
apa yang bukan milik kau.
kerana nanti.
Rabb kau akan menuntut.
ketika kau berlutut.
sungguh.tak akan
kau berani untuk katakan.
Ya Rabb.itu.ini aku yang punya.
sedangkan.
nyawa itu juga.
bukan kau yang punya.

jadi berhenti bongkak.
jagalah apa yang dipinjam.
yang dipinjam akan diminta pulang.
biarlah senyum senang.
nanti bila ditanya.
di depan simpang syurga dan neraka.
apa telah kau jaga itu semua?
maka termampu untuk menjawap ya.

-----------------------------------
ini entri.untuk diri sendri.
yang selalu selalu bongkak.
dan kadang kadang kedekut.harta.masa.dan nyawa.

bilang apa itu rajin?

itu hari ada orang bilang.
Neb rajin itu apa.
aku gelak besar dalam hati.
ironik.sedangkan aku yang disebalik.
bilang aku sendiri.
rajin itu subjektif.
apa yang kita lihat rajin.
orang lain mungkin tidak.
jadi aku jawap kan balik.
asal kita tahu masa ini bukan milik.
dihitung setiap detik.
maka.
duduk duduk sahaja.
tidak mungkin menyenangkan.
tingkah laku yang tak bermakna.
mungkin sahaja tak menggembirakan.
saat kita rasa begitu.
saat itulah kita tahu.
itulah rajin.
kawan.

milik kau.aku.dan kalian.

post ringkas.

percayalah dakwah itu bukan milik yang bertudung labuh.
bukan milik yang berserban bersih.
dan bukan milik yang berakal lebih.

ia.

milik semua.
tanggungjawab semua.

sediakan apa yang boleh dibicara.
bila nanti Tuhan tanya.
apa jasa mu pada dunia.
dan sungguh.
indah nanti.
jika dijawab.
sungguh.dakwah ku.Allah.... :)

ini dan itu.milik Aku.

hari ini aku rasa macam nak berbahasa melayu.
sebab aku melayu.
biar lah berterabur bahasa.
macam biji tasbih terputus.
aku tak peduli.
sebab aku tulis bukan untuk meraih minat.
tapi untuk cerita apa sebenar ada di hati.

hari ini.bangun dengan hati remuk,kecai,gelisah,susah,sempit.
dan itu semua berlaku tanpa sebab.
memang benar lah kata Tuhan.
milik aku semua yang ada.
termasuk hati yang ada dalam dada.
jadi hari ini Tuhan bukti kan.
Dia sempit kan dunia buat sementara.
saat mata mahu mula mengenal dunia.
sebagai bukti.
Aku lah Pemilik hati.
jika sempit mahu Ku maka sempit lah ia.
jika lapang maka lapang lah ia.
kun fa ya kun kataNya.
tapi tidak apa.aku anggap saja
ini peringatan pada seorang hamba.
saat kau mahu mulakan hidup.
sebelum sempat menghirup.
udara keliling
berdarjah sifar.
maka Aku ingat kan.dunia ini milik Aku.
dan sedarlah.
tidak perlu gempitan bom.
tidak perlu tangisan bayi.
tidak perlu kelaparan.
tidak perlu kemiskinan.
tidak perlu kesakitan.
jika Dia mahu itu semua.
akan diberi walaupun dalam keselamatan.
dalam keselesaan selimut yang hangat.
dalam keadaan yang senang lenang.
dalam kemewahan.
dalam kegembiraan.
sebab Dia itu Tuhan.
dan Dia punya kuasa.
jadi aku bangun juga.
walaupun berat rasa.
sebab aku tahu.
aku seorng hamba.
dan itu bukan pilihan aku.
jadi untuk Rabb yang jauh di atas sana.
yang selalu mendengar.
dalam apa bicara.
walau jauh senyap di dalam dada.
terima kasih untuk peringatan pagi ini.
moga Kau mudahkan yang selebihnya.
biar aku tertonggeng jatuh di dunia.
sekarang.
tapi bukan dalam hidup selepas dunia.
nanti karang.

insyaAllah.....

of kneeling and putting my hands up.

this post was supposed to be a post of many days before.
but again.i am not dhar (time).and i rule it not.
therefore.after waking up from a slumber of yet another cold morning.
i shall grab this chance before the world overwhelms me.again.
so.what i am about to write is something that has been lingering far too long in my head.
and to contain it just within the hemisphere of my brain.is something that i intend not to.
therefore.here goes.another ranting of mine.that i pray would somehow become beneficial to myself.and to the one reading.
insyaAllah.

DU'A. (supplication)

a single verb.that holds many secrets and reasons behind it.
for the past few days now.i have been struggling to understand the meaning of du'a.
after a while now.will i only realise that du'a is something so familiar yet so foreign to me.
something i have grown closer to whenever hardship and grieve make a visit.
and when a need is wanted.
yet.something that i fail to understand.

since child.
i have been taught.
by almost everyone i know.
mostly by dear mom and dad.
to make du'a whenever i feel sad.
and when ever i want something in life so bad.
be it as simple as a sunny day.
or as crucial as good results in the exams.
for all that.
i was told.to make du'a.

and i did.
i make du'as
everytime i need something.
everytime i want something.
everytime i am in grieve.
even when i just want to smile.
but sadly.
those actions i did .
of kneeling and putting my hands up.
deep down inside.
i did not understand.
and at one point.i question.
why...why..and why do i even try?

why do we make du'as?
to whom we make it to?
for it to be granted to what extend of amount of du'as do we have to take?
is there any limit to du'as we make?
and how do we know whether its true or fake?

those questions i have.was kept deep down inside a dark vault.
the fear of not being able to ask around.
made me a human full of doubts.
until one day.a day full of wants and needs.i finally decided to open it up.
to try to answer the questions.
and to finally understand.

that day began,last 3 days ago.
the day that was full of wants and needs.
the day that i realised.the many things.
that i still want to have.and to own.
and so i kneeled and i put my hands up.
i began my du'a,i tried hard.
but a day went by.and another did.
and the du'a i made.
was not answered.
and i became disappointed.

because of that day.
finally.it clicked to my mind.
what makes a du'a a real du'a?

that became the question of all the questions i had.
and to understand everything.i must first understand this.
and i searched.and i asked.and i even googled.
but still i was very far from understanding it.
and i thought.hey.maybe i should make a du'a.
a du'a to understand the meaning of du'a itself.
and i did.
and during that du'a i made.
was the moment of me.
understanding.all the du'as in life i made before.

and i realised.at that instant.
all the former du'as i made were shallow.
why is that so?
its because.
it was not deep enough.
it was not sincere enough.
it was not true enough.

because when every time i make one.
i was
only partially convinced by it.
only partially putting my reliance on it.
only partially sincere about it.

and the reason for all that.
is because.i put so little faith in God's power.
i gave Him such little credit in actually making my du'as more than just du'as.
and to think that,the du'a of this sinful self will not be heard when the fact is...He is.the Hearer of all.

maybe that is why my du'a was not answered.because.
when i made it.
i was not putting the full trust
that God has all the power in Him to make it happen.

and that became a realisation.
that.when ever i make du'a.i am not just asking for my wants and needs.
i am actually submitting to the idea of
putting everything in His hands.
giving everything to His hands.
and hoping.that He will receive it with open hands.
i am actually.submitting.

and from there too i realised.
its not the issue of wether my du'a is accepted or not.
its actually the idea of acknowledging that God has all the power in Him to do anything.
even the things that are beyond our understandings.
if we just put our hands up.and make the du'a
with so much faith.hope.and reliance.
even the most impossible du'a to us.will not seem impossible.
because if it is His will.it is.
'kun fa ya kun' (Be.and it is!)

so.now only i comprehend.
the phrase.'du'a is a weapon for the human race'
because.it is.
and if it is a weapon.use it as a weapon.
and not as a minor tool we use when there's nothing else we can do.
because du'a is not the last resort.
it is the first effort.

and if it is not being answered the way you want it.
take the sweetness of submission from the action of du'a that you made.
because every action we do that involves God in it.
is sweet.


so.from that day onward.because of that realisation.
i began to appreciate du'a .
more than just verses i read after my prayers.
but instead a conversation with God and i.
telling Him.i am making my du'a because there is only You who listens to everything.
and there is only You who has the say on everything.


and so.my days of endless conversation with God.began.
to end this.i pray.with full of hope.trust.faith.and reliance.
'ya Allah jangan putus kan aku dari terus berdoa'
amin.

And your Lord says :' Call on Me; I will answer your (prayer)...
(Mu'min/Ghafir 40:60)

the last 30th.

a year ago.
to the last 30th of January.
was a different thing.

a different look.
a different purpose in life.
a different responsibility.
a different knowledge.
a different life style.

simply.a different me.

indeed 365 days ago.i was different.

and at times.in between those times.i seat at the corner and wonder.
what had happened?
why am i looking in instead of looking out?

like seeing a show on the telly.
and i was Marilyn Monroe of my world.

but.as the days add up.
the colours of the show fade.
and soon it became a black and white screen.
giving you a sense of flashback.
just like how you used to see in movies.
and in my head.that movie is my life.
that actress.is me.
and those fading colours of the screen.those are my flashbacks.

i waited for this date to finally write.after many days of
disappearing into the worldly life full of flaws.
waiting just for the exact 365th day of me not becoming me.

honestly.it felt only like yesterday.cliche' it may be.
but its the truth that i am saying.

and so.i decided to spend the morning of a Monday the 30th.to sit and reminisce.
to go back to the last 30th i had.and so.i did.

it was the night before.
i remember.
i made a wish.
simply a wish i made with no hope attached to it.
to a God i barely know.
to a God i seldom worship.
and to a God i submit not.

a wish of a gift.
nothing too much.
something special wrap in a box with a big fluffy ribbons on top.
and that i did.
i wished.
and i waited.

days went by.still.no one came with a box.and nothing came dropping down from the sky.
i waited.and waited.and waited again.
until i thought.
why would a God answer my silly wish? after all..
i never answered His.
and those few weeks of that 12 months
went by.
still that wish of mine.was glued hard to this brain.
no hope.but just a thought.
of a wish of a gift.
from a God.

until one day.in between those 365 days.
He........ replied.
in a way that i would have never imagined it would.
in a form that i did not ask for.but still.He gave.

something special wrapped in a box.with fluffy ribbons on top.
something worth more than what i deserve.
something if its not from Him.then none can award me.

that something................

is.


consciousness

He gave me consciousness.

to know His deen better.
and to love Him more.

which is why.

i have
a different look.
a different purpose in life.
a different responsibility.
a different knowledge.
a different life style.

now.on this 365th day.

because.last 30th.God gave me something special.wrapped in a box.with fluffy ribbons on top.

and so my only wish for this another 30th.
may You be with me.for the next 365 days ahead.amin...

when the days are dark as the nights.

be it yesterday,today or tomorrow.
we are still not far from sorrow.
nothing seems to be enough to this life of hollows.
because ungrateful is a trend to follow.
so rush now.
run away from the dark shadows.
of heedless and horrors.
be it fast or slow.
stilll.save your soul.

dear humans.
to that God's rope.just hold.
have faith and hope.
just be bold.
anchor not your longing.
to this world of nothing.
remember the things
are never us to own.
because when the days are dark as the nights.
theres only one road left.
the road to the only One.

i am not sad.i am just waiting.

the thought of going back to the land of dark sky and cold wind is killing what ever happiness that is left inside of me.
again i will part with this familiar land i call home.
and to add to the already miserable state i am now.
fever and running nose could just be the things that would sum up to the whole misery equation.
so for this windy night that followed a long warm and dry day.
i suddenly found the urge to write in me.
must i warn that this shall be just some post with no aim.
a chance to rant without having any guilt towards paper waste.
and so.if you find that life is worth more than reading bits of my words.
click exit.and move on submitting yourself to the world that awaits.
but.if time is on your side.and that life is moving slower than a snail in a race.
i welcome you to more words of mine.....

so.what have i been up to since life begins?
to start of.
still not good enough a slave i am.
wrongly thinking i am not born a slave.
still refuse to submit my soul in totality.
even if i know.i own it not.
still chasing dream that is mostly forgotten.
not knowing what it really is.
still wandering about.
taking time to actually take the real route.
and
still not excelling in this job.
the job God has given.

this is how i feel.
still.i am still.

but don't get me wrong.i am not being ungrateful.nor am in in my somber mood.
i am just simply.waiting for a love.
not wanting to feel lonely in a middle of a crowd.
but wanting to feel so content even when i am alone.
don't get me wrong...i am not sad.
i am just looking for love.
such love filled with perfection.
to complete this one self.
and make myself human all over again.
i am not sad.i am just looking for love.
a reply to my love full of flaws.that i gave.
just a love i would wake up to with a smile.
alive and in death.
just that one single love that differentiates it all.
that love so strong.it would suffice the entire world.
that love...
that love....
i sent to my God.
and still waiting....
for His reply.
that only one love..........
from my only dear God..
that i adore so much.

and this is why.
i am not sad.i am just in my waiting mode.
waiting to get a reply.

but...along the way.in the wait.

i cheated.

played around behind His back
as if i fear not His hell.
but the most fear of all.
is when.He does not love me back.

because to love and to not be loved.
is painful.
too deep a cut have i got myself before.
between His creation and i.
such love filled with imperfections.
but this time around.
its different.
He is after all what perfection is.
so i have faith.He won't betray me.
He will love me back.......

if only....i truly love Him first.

more.

it has been long.i know.
hiding behind shadows.
conforming to the idea of no's.

no.you don't have to care.
no.you don't have to smile.
no.you don't have to be kind.
no.you don't have to help.
no.you don't have to love.
no.you don't need compassion.
no.you don't need societies.
no.you don't want interaction.
no.you must be selfish.
no.you ought to be rude.

and the list goes on....
up till the end.
to the one last no.

no.......you are not going to enter Jannah.

because.there is such thing as.

' HablumminALLAH (Relationship with Allah) and HablumminanNAS (relationship with man).

must I remember,I am no singular creation of Him.
He created us in multiples.and we are His Nas.
born in a society.from one generation to the next.
interacting and populating.

and so,to act wrongly to His other creations.
Is a fault.
that would cost me.my Jannah.

and this made me realise.

to care.
to smile.
to be kind.
to help.
to love.

others.

will just be the key to bring me close.to the Creator of the others.
so to dear Neb.get out from the shadow that darkens you.
push aside the idea of no's that empowered you.

remember.He says.

'Truly/indeed the believers (are) brothers, so reconciliate between your two brothers, and fear and obey God, perhaps you attain mercy' [49 :10]

to end this short once in a blue moon post.
i bid my farewell to the shadows....
and with a hope even higher than the mountains.
that i will one day be the best human to the humans.and the best slave to the One God.


so.may we all be more caring.offer more smile.be a lot kinder.convey more help and love even more.
starting from this lovely blessed Friday.
shall we?

of sweetness and happiness.

long long long long long...............has it been.
since i dare myself to write and to speak.
for i have been gone for more than weeks.
not wanting to be involved.
not wanting to be heard.
nor loved.
simply i thought.the thought of myself is enough.
the world can just do what it wants.and so can i.
that.to myself.i thought.
and so far far far far far.....away i go.
dismissing life at one go.
thinking.hey....don't blame me.i am just letting go.
letting go of nothing that i should hold.
and so.making a life change.from here to there.and from there to somewhere.
and so...i go.
crawling out from a deep black hole
with only God's rope to hold.
and a bag full of hopes.
and so............i did.
BUT.
the further i go.the slower my pace.
something is pulling me back in this race.
something bigger than i have ever faced.
oh heavy it is.and indeed strong it is.
my good deeds are not many.
too little to barter.
for a happy life after life itself.
and so the struggle began.
the end battle that i thought.was just the beginning.
far more to face and to fight.
not sure if my fist could hit as hard.
but still i was not born a loser.
and my God is too kind to let me be one.
so why should i submit?
to this short term failure?
to this short term suffer?
when my God offered me.
a long lasting life of sweetness and happiness
if only...........i am patient.for this short term of period. :)

"Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning.'' (39:10)

a letter to Allah.

to God.i wrote a letter.
this late afternoon.
with my beating heart as the paper and my running blood as the ink.
simply because.
i miss Him.
honestly.
subconsciously.


and so i wrote.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i have been away.not too far.neither too near.
consumed by life.again.
still breathing Your air.drinking Your water.looking at Your sky.and living Your soul.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
how have you been? Superior as always.that.i know.
me? well..i have been here and there.still on this land You own.
have been missing You.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
where have you been?
do You miss me?
or have i become those You dismiss?
truthfully.i feel bad.
for being sad.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
where have i been?
that should be the question.
shamefully to know.i have no answer.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i have wronged this life.
the life You gave.
not for free.
but to be paid with gratefulness.
but did i?that.....
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i know this life is brief.
nothing to compare with the life after life that You will give
but still.
i am eager to think it will...last.
what a fool i am.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
things have been rough.
a misplaced puzzle.
from day to day.
it has.
i am sure You know.

and finally.
Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
at this moment in time.
Your tests.
i want to excel.
so make me strong.
because when everything ends.
coming back to You.
in pureness.
is what i long.......
for.
until then,dear Allah.....

With Love,
the soul You own.

the half a metre glass gate.

Friday it is now.how fast can the time be?
but who am i to say.when i am somebody who does not run for time.somebody who wastes it instead.
last night was full moon.i was out by the sea.and it was nothing but nice.
in spite of how tumbled my world is.the reality around seems to be doing well.
the moon is still there on the sky.still far to reach.but.there to see.and my feet is still on the land of God.
still marking footsteps.but not deep enough to be marked as a point.
oh.how beautiful God made life.even when your heart is ripping to pieces.you still have your eyes to admire
the countless beauty He offered.

so today.a morning Friday was greeted with again a heavy feeling.but the view of last night will be kept as memory.
to sooth the heart that is still healing.
and one thing triggered me to write.one word that came.
a word that made me ponder.how to really define it.

SCREEN.

"A system for preliminary appraisal and selection of personnel as to their suitability for particular jobs." so the online dictionary says.

yes.that kind of screen.

that word made me realise.as a human.we go through the process of screening through out our entire lives.even without us knowing it.
we are indeed living in a life full of screening.
from time to time we are faced with this screening course that marks the point of how valuable our self is in this world.
the process of getting in through a school.a job.even to a life of a person.we are being screened.every single day.
because the world is just a place where people run for perfection.the best will succeed and the rest? will just be left out.
ever wonder why there is such thing as interview.evaluation.exams.and even dating? all of that is a whole lot of what screening is.
we are born.we go to the process of health screening.we happen to be a healthy child.we grow up.we get into school.we have exams.we pass it.we get in to colleges that we want.and when the learning process ends.we search out for jobs.and if our CV is good enough.we get the job we want.and we meet the love of our life.they get to know us.go out.talk.maybe a few laughs.and if you're the one.they'd marry you.you get kids.you live the remaining of your life.and finish it as the way you want it to........and....by the end of the day..........the whole cycle begins again.and again.and again.and again.

and....that is what screening is.you screen each and every time you move a step in life.and some among others..just aim to be the best in it.
but...................................................................................where is all that going?what is the real beginning and what is the real ending?and that made me realise.i need to ponder on this.and so.....the 'ponderation' begins....



subconsciously.without realising it.most of us.forgot the much bigger screening process that we are in.a long process that ends the minute you take that last breath of yours.
a screening process that you are born for it.
a process that takes a whole new mind set and a whole new ways to succeed.
and a process with a complete,fair,perfect screening.a process that marks your beginning and your end.
the only screening that is worth the time.the effort.and the attention.
and that only screening is nothing but the screening of God.

yes.some of us may not have even been to a school.
not able to even get a job.
never met the love of their lives.
never walked through out the process of screening in his or her life that world has to offer.
but still.there is this one screening in life that not a single soul can exclude itself.the long screening process made by God.and to be experienced by His creations.that special thing He created.so that we know.
life is not just about living,dying and in between of that.
but it is an on going experience of gratitude towards the capability of the Creator to create.
and an experience to give back our thanks to His never ending bless.
to that.
we are living.through a far more important screening.a crucial process of to be wanted by God.
thus making life an essential need to succeed.

because.we are being screened by God.not just everyday.but for every breath that we owe Him.
to be chosen as the best among the best He had.should be the only thing that matters.

and it all begins.the minute we opened our eyes.
the minute we made that promise to God.that this life we have.is a period of returning the many thanks to Him.
indeed.we are being screened.
the opportunities we get in this world to always break the distant we have with Him is His way in telling us that He chose us.
but how far it goes.
that depends on how bad we want to be chosen by Him.
and at the end of the day.to even move a limb is an opportunity.
but how and what we move it for,that depends on how much we want God to love us.is it as much as we love Him.or maybe more?
So for everyday that I'm living now it is not the fear of hell that is haunting me.it is the fear of not having God to look at me.and to pick me out from billions of His creations.because.what is more fearful than not having your Creator looking down at you pleasantly.

and this whole post reminded me of what happened just a few days back.
as i was walking in a rush going out from the library.passing through that security machine.and when the alarm sounded.
that half a meter glass gate closed.not allowing me to go out.then only i realised.i have not returned the books that were in my hand.
and for a moment.i was scared.
and if that happens later when i face that gate of God.it wont be a half metre glass gate.and it will not just be a light screening i have faced before.and just the thought of not getting through it made me realise..oh how much thanks have i not returned back to Him.

but still......i sin everyday.in every way.and still....i want to be chosen.
nonetheless.
because people might run for perfection in this world.but perfection is the place that is waiting on the other side of the gate.

so to Friday.make me less sinful.so the hope of being chosen is still there for me to hold on.
and to all. Happy Friday,and may you be among those who God picks. :)

a seat and a juice.

long have i been away.
the world has indeed occupied my world.
and it feels like there is no end to it.
so here i crawl back in the slowest pace.
still thinking that it is a race.
but if its a chase for God's attention.no harm for me to embrace it.
is it?

so a long pause deserves a well said lesson.
i thought.
but what shall i write?
many days have i prolonged it.
just to find that right phrase.word.even alphabet ready to change a world.
and if its no one's world.than maybe at least mine.
so i took a time on my own.
a very long time indeed.
until i forgot.that i have a duty.
a duty to speak.and to speak only of God.
so.in finding the right thing to say.
i actually found the right thing to do instead.
and to finally see what is needed to be said.
i found out that.i should say what i did.
and here goes the story of a long pause i had.

'season changing soon.i figured its a norm to not feel good.and that became the reason.for the road i was approaching.i became quiet.thinking that i should.making distant from each angle of my world's circle.the distant i made was not only with the people around.but the biggest gap of all.is the distant with the one up above.and truthfully saying,i was suffocating not in water.but in life itself.a soul trapped in between reality and hope.so i thought....maybe.just maybe its just the changing of the season.and oh boy.was i wrong indeed.
days passed by.i decided to decide on my own.not taking any accounts of the people around.and for each decision i made.i made it with emotion.switching off the rational button of the brain.too consumed with the idea.that this is just what i need to do.
and as usual.at the weakness i have.when the faith is at its lowest point.there came along the best of evil in the world.the setans themselves.from around.and from within.the pseudo sweetness of the world begin to sipped in.and for that,it became bitter.
and i began to stumble.the long journey seems too exhausting.when will it end? unsatisfied i was.very.
my feet hurt.and my throat is dry.i deserve a long seat and a glass of juice.don't i? i should reward myself.foolishly i thought.thinking that my reward is better than God's.
so i did.i astray myself.taking that seat and sipping that juice i wanted.long enough to miss it.but not satisfying enough to long it.and after a while.that sweet taste of reward became the most bitter of reminder.and the heart i have inside this chest of mine is like 2 stones put together.it becomes heavy.and it gets harder to carry.
and just the thought of turning back to where i was in life.is just scarier than the memory of that life itself.
i had enough of my own self created reward.i began to scream silently.break me free!where is that rope that i was holding on?
where is that God i was missing?
and to my knowledge.He was just there.waiting for me to drop a hye.during my days of arrogance.oh how i forgot how much He cares.and caring enough of Him to drop reminders along the way of a forgetful filled journey.
so for the past few days.He gave me sadness that came with no reason.but only His reason.and that reason is just that He wants me to think of Him.not once in a while.and not after awhile.but.for every time this heart beats.and for every moment this soul is alive.because simply....i was just being arrogant to put hope to the world.and to myself.which led to endless disappointment
because what better hope there is.either than the One who created hope itself.'


and so after the long pause i had.
i realised.for every hardness God gives.He brings along the best reason for it.
and to put hope on anything but Him.is just simply a false hope.
and to not hope at all.is just a waste of soul.
so to my soul.and 7 billion souls out there.be happy that life can be hard.rest assured that there lies the best reason from God.
afterall...He is the best.isn't He ? :)
and for that same reason of being sad.i am happy now :)
yet another phase that have passed.yet another smile that i will end it with.


'hope is too big and reality is just too thin to be trapped in' -a creation of God-

lighter or heavier?your choice.

in the midst of ending a project.the first of the year.
i was caught in the middle of stress and giving up.
nothing seems to be easy anymore.and it gets true everyday.reality slowly slipping into the fantasy world that is almost fading.
and for a moment.i came to realise.that the longer we are on this earth.the harder it gets.
simply because.we are not stagnant creations of God.we change.we evolve.we grow.

so.this post.today.is for all the unnecessary stresses that have befallen me.
so that it shall become a reminder one day.that.....
'Neb..life gets harder each day.but it gets easier for you to realise it when the harder it gets'
and so..the entry begins......

'i was not asleep.not just yet.and my hands are still moving.reaching out for the things that needed to be finished.my body is working.but my mind was at a cross line between dead or alive.and i looked up at the phone screen.not surprised with the hour it showed.i figured.this is what life should be.you work hard.and somehow some way.there lies reward.material wise i presumed with that intention.i worked hard that night.hoping that at one point.it would be enough.and i would finally have something to show the next day.
a couple of yawns and eye bags shall not stop me.i-must-persevere.to myself i told.and hours passed by.the bed seemed nearer to me than it was hours ago.and my body would like to shut itself down for that moment.but i control the switch.and only i have the power.so i thought.ignorantly.
the constraint stressful milieu continues.the days after the next day went by.and i begin to find myself caught in between the net of stressfulness.i panicked and at times unsatisfied.with what the world has to offer.i began to work even harder,thinking that.the best of me is not the best of all.and what is the best of all will only be determined by those outside there.those other creations of God.like me.with blood in their veins and a heart under their ribs.
and so.their thoughts.their judgements.their opinions.and their decisions.became.the center of a small radius circle i call.my life.
and before i know it.in a very subtle way.the aim of life itself has changed its course.and there i was walking on a different road.again.changing my aim of life to such petty thing.a thing we call.WORLD.
and people's appreciation.judgement.attention.decision.opinion.became.the main focus.all over again.
and for each and every thing i do,the world and the things inside it mark its path right after mine.and for every line that is not align with the radius of my circle shall bring disappointment to me.and from there.all stress related things were finally born.
and there i was.becoming the central station for all the trains with bad feelings to make its pit stop.
.........................
and this happens to not just me.at least not just me.because somewhere out there.near or far.there are people who are willingly trapping themselves into the net of stressfulness too.simply because they conform to the idea of pleasing God's creations first.and then only God Himself.
because at times in life.we want to be liked.loved.accepted.admired.addored.praised.appreciated.
to a point.when we don't get it.we strive ourselves too much to realise that at the end of the day.nothing could beat the pleasure of a God towards you rather than the pseudo pleasure of His imperfect creations.
and that is why.its best to aim your life.to God.because what ever happens.He does not disappoint you.like how His creations will.and when you do that.what ever feedback you get from the world.it will not strain you.and you would not be covered with disappointment thus you will not stress yourself.
and so.
after a while.while i was cutting the card boards.and switching my brain on and off in a middle of a very cold night.i realised.i must stop burdening this soul of mine.stop torturing this body with tones of unnecessary stress.stop aiming to be the best of all.
because.when the time comes.i am not even doing all these for myself.i am doing it for God.and He'll judge me for my efforts.not for the worldly things i have achieved.and to be the best.is to be the best of yourself.God is not cruel.the world is not a race between each other.it is something for us to embrace.instead.

so hey.dear souls out there.lighten yourself.its not them that you need to impress.its Him.... :)
have a good Friday with a lighter soul people.

save me.

Forgive me Allah.for i have sin.

and the chronology of the days that passed was followed closely with many unwanted sins.
and now i am left with a heavy guilt.that this soul can't seem to bare.
indeed.i sinned.
and indeed i am ashamed.not to myself.but to God.
at a moment,the wrong doings are light enough to carry.and blur enough to be seen.
but after a while,when devil has left the building.
this soul is burdened with a massive weight of regrets and a clear view of my sinful self.
and restless i became.but not restless enough to repent.
oh my.what have become to this new faith that i am so proud of?
days passing.to speak to God became a difficult task.hiding behind the veil of sins,too embarrass to reveal the true self.
my clothes are not white enough.and my heart is as black as the night.
how will i speak?
when this vocal opening of mine,a gift from God
speaks nothing of God and nothing near to admirable deeds.
i am trapped.the heart says.
behind these bars of ribs.
and the wall of flesh.
in this dark space.
yes.i am a prisoner to the body of a prison.
and indeed this is
another phase of life.
another test of faith.
and another of my old self that i should shed away.
so to the good people around me.
please be near.
provide me the spark of fire.
to light this dimmed torch i have.
for i have a really long journey to go.
to meet this one thing i have almost lost.
that one thing, i call.......
my clean heart.

a weather.

and today it rained.lightly.slowly.and long.
and the wind became closer than a beat of a heart that i hold.
and the weather became a path of reminiscence.
the reminiscence of the day i first met you.
almost a year has it been now.almost a year we have met.
and not even a single day that passes by without you not in mind.and in heart.
and today.i walked.and drops of rain touched my covered body,sipping through layers of clothes
and reaching the skin.my skin.
and i looked up and wondered.
what have i done in this world of a traveler?
what deeds have i accomplished in this brief journey of a creation ?
simply................what?
to be so blessed to have encountered you........


oh dear Faith.

so don't you hide from me now.
reminisce the weather.
reminisce the moment.
because.........what am i.
if i have never met you.


Faith.


so don't you part with me.
because you are the only bridge to a land full of gaps.
to the other side of where....
my God.awaits.
take care now faith.
don't you leave me yet.just don't

running.fast.

run!
run!
run Neb.......

silently i told myself.
not focusing on what is in front.back.and sides.
instead.i was silently in a battle.
a heated battle that only i can feel it.
a battle to fight that is hard.
a battle that i have lost once.
and will soon lose again.
if only.
i have fought enough.

their shooting arrows at me.
and i ducked once.
again another line came in.
and i bravely blocked it.
that was close i told myself.
but...........
as i was approaching the hill.
too confident with the idea of an almost victory...
partly proud of grasping something that i have not yet earned.
a long sharp arrow was on its way.
aiming straight to my back.
forcing all the limbs in the body to be numb.
the eyes i have are in front.
and my views are to the hill.
the back is a pitch black darkness.
not a single light is shone.
again.my views are to the front.
and all i want is to be on top.
the arrow is rushing fast.
aiming for my limbs.
so am i.
running.for the half life that is still left.
hunger and thirst became closer than anything.
but my feet are still moving.
i know there are only two end results to this battle.
and i know i must either stop or run.
to parish or to survive.......
in this battle.
i call.....
the battle of life.
with devils as my enemy.
faith as my weapon.
and...God as my aim.

so today.when you open those two eyes you have.
the minute you are alive again from that deep slumber you took.
just know.
that you are back in the battle.
battle of life.
devils' arrows are everywhere.
and what you have is one.
a faith to God.
so please know you are amongst the creations of God.
created to fight...
the hunger and thirst of your lust.
the sharp fast arrows of a despise army of God
and
the weak shelter of faith.you have left.
so for today.run!run as fast as you can.
because God's rewards are nothing to be compared of to this world.
and if you fall.and fail
His pardon exceeds a mountful of failures.
so..........
RUN!
for a better faith.

and a life.after life itself.

sabiqu ila maghfirah min Rabbikum wajannatin 'ardhuha ka'ardhi sama' wal ard..
and Run towards forgiveness from your Lord and heaven which is as wide as the sky and the earth. (Hadid:21)

our actions.

the season is changing soon.
falling dry leaves are everywhere now.
and i am still here.awed by the idea of how fast time moves.
wondering.
how much time is there left?
to walk.
in this journey of pleasing God.
and that. i wonder.
have i even truly pleasured Him at all.all this whilst?

so for today.a walk after class opened these eyes i have.
and a chain of reaction became the topic that i want to write about.
finally.something to write after days of attaching myself too much to the world.
until i forgot.
that God is waiting.

so.chain of reaction.it is then...and so it begins...like this.

has it ever triggered our minds,of how our actions form invisible chain that connects us?
and how the littlest thing we perform in life could be the key to a door of another person's life?
i have.
and from there.i believe that each and everyone of us are small micro dots that form a circle.and the actions we do in life are actually the lines we draw to connect us all.
invisible lines to our eyes.but not to God.

at times.without realising it.we tend to live in a bubble.thinking that,the things we do are the things that will only affect ourselves.but.we forgot.that God created a nation of humans.not with single quantity.WE are His multiple creations that share the same land and sky.and that WE are some among the many wonders of His power.

but.................................................still.

why is it so hard for us.to see the chain?
why is it so hard for us.to grasp the idea that the things we do.could be the next thing that could connect us with another soul, separated even by time and space?
why is it so hard for us.to simply take time to bother.that there is no such thing as bubble life.and that our simplest actions could mean more to another being?

the answer to that.is simple.
we indulged ourselves in a pool of selfishness.too much.to even care.
comfort our minds to our wrong doings.too much.to even notice.
thinking that.................'yes.i am a single creation of God.and my actions would not matter to others'

but.what we perceive through our minds,at times do not correlate with the reality.
because.everything you do.even a simple gesture of kindness.smiling itself.could raises somebody's happiness to a level.that we could never imagine.
and.
even a simple bad deed.a frown on a face.could destroy somebody's hope for a lovely day ahead.we just don't know.

and this made me realise.how much i have wronged the world in so many ways,in thinking that my actions are only mine to face.without realising that maybe.just maybe.i have somehow affected another person's life.thousand of miles away.years of time ago.with a simple action.as simple as expressions.without me realising it.

and so.to all the actions we do in this journey of pleasing God.please keep in mind.that the things we do.are not only for us.but it is also for another soul out there.and even if there isn't any.just know.there is always God to witness it all.and for every action,make it a pleasure.to Him.
because.aren't we all in the same journey of pleasing Him?