carry.

day 85.

is another Monday now.

and days now pass by like hours...and soon it'll feel like minutes.but still we are in the pseudo chase of time.why so?
a few days before were spent with joy.
and a few days ahead will be spent with joy too.i hope.

and today.a Monday started quite late filled with silence.
and i woke with a less agile mind.

and after a while the word 'carry' came into mind.yes.carry.
of which carry i'm talking about?its the one with the definition of 'to hold or to support'

and if i relate that word with many years of life lived,i would relate it to what,why and how i carry the things in life.

from a word it became a question.

and in the order of what,why and how i answer it.

looking back at how i view life.

the question started with.

what do i carry in life?

maybe everything.but amongst the everything i find not one that is worth a show when life ends.and when God is the only One that is waiting at the end of it.

simply because.i carried nothing that brightens the one thing that is worth a show.iman.

the question goes on.

why do i carry the things i carry in life?

maybe i carry it thinking that this is what i should be carrying...but not knowing that the things i carry worth everything.only to this world.but when it ends.each and everything becomes.nothing.

simply because.i carried everything for the reason of nothing.with the wrong niat'.

and finally.a question ended with.

how do i carry the things i carry in life?

maybe with the wrong way.until to the point,that the lightest thing in life could be the heaviest burden.even until when life itself ends.

simply because.i carried it in the wrong method until it becomes unbearable and soon a waste.

a sinful a'mal.

and what,why and how became more than just a question.

the dimmed light of iman.

the wrong thought of niat'

and the sinful a'mal

are the products of the wrong things to carry in life.for the wrong reason with the wrong way.

so from there i learnt,carry is a big word indeed even with just 4 letters.

because the things that i relate to the word carry itself,determines the ending that i am going to receive.

so i ask myself again.are the things in life i carry now worth the burden that i will bear later?

or should i start leaving things behind so that it'll become light.a light judgement from God when nothing worth more than my,iman,niat' and a'mal.

so Monday is the beginning of many days in making my burden lighter so that when it is God i face.His light judgement will be the one i receive in return.

so people of Monday,why not rethink and repack the things you carry so that it'll be a light journey to a wonderful ending itself.

forgive and forget or is it forget and forgive?

day 84.

is a very early Saturday.and another week has passed by.
and a few more weeks left.and i'll be fine :)
time difference is still an issue.but not a big one.i'll coop with it sooner or later.

and a word of wisdom came from an aunt yesterday.
"whatever it is,vengeance must not be the key to the door of forgiveness"

and looking back at it again.theres a whole lot of truth in it.

and sometimes we humans say we forgive but we don't forget.and that phrase ' don't forget' is the gate to the land full of vengeance.

and i myself particularly fail to practice this forgive and forget.simply because it-is-not-easy.

and ever wonder why it is so?

and this came to mind.

pick a subject.take the book of the subject.memorise it.and you will.
take a week to stop.and try rephrasing it.and you won't be able.
because when you.

picked a subject.
took a book.
memorised it.

you did it spontaneously.linking only your brain cells,utilising only a portion of your brain i call the memory bank.
so its easy to forget because you used your brain and only your brain to do it.

but now instead of just using your brain.link it to your emotion.
and when you do that.be it weeks later.a memory is no longer a memory,it is now a feeling.simply because,you linked your brain to your heart.
and that is when.'forgive and forget' becomes hard.

so from there i learnt.forgive and forget are two different words.but to perform it,it must become one action.
there is no separation between it.you don't divide forgive and forget.because..
you don't forgive when you don't forget.
and you don't forget when you don't forgive.

and i still find it difficult.because the things that you need to forgive are mostly closely linked to your emotion.your HEART.
and anything linked to the heart.is not easy to forget.
so one way that is possible for me to perform this is only by 'un-linking' it.
un-link the events of life that require forgiveness with my heart.so that i can forget it.and then forgive it.

so maybe.just maybe.it is not forgive and forget.maybe it is forget and forgive.
forget it.and then without knowing it you have already forgiven it.
and when those two happened.you'll lock your way to the gate of vengeance and open another gate with a key.
a key of peaceful to the gate of God.

and Friday taught me.all this whilst when i say i forgive.i forget not.
so from this Friday onwards.i must say.i forget.therefore i forgive.

and from today.i shall un-link all those emotions that worth nothing compared to the one emotion towards God.and God will.
forgetting it will be as easy as forgetting those history facts i learnt in high school years ago.
and with that.to forgive will be a lot easier.

so to everyone.let's forget and then forgive.shall we?

Listen to me baby.

Who am I to you and what are you to me?
Lets get something straight amidst this ecstasy

I don't remember buying any ring or saying "I do"
What rights do you have over me and I over you?

The very same rights that my other friends have
We're friends! And not each other's half

Nothing more and nothing less
But if you want more than that then be my guest

But no more of this can I take
The more I love Allah the more of this I hate

The lust of love and the love of lust
I must escape this prison, I must!

My hand is yours for the taking
All I want is Allah's blessing

If we're on the same page, me and you
Ask me the question and I will say "I do"

by Aiman Azlan. a blog i found accidentally while browsing aimlessly. :)

http://www.aimanazlan.com/2009/05/listen-to-me-baby.html

its Friday.isn't it?

day 83.

is a morning.of another day.
and God is still generous nonetheless.
and if you ask me why.
its because of days like this.of being able to be awake.
will i only get the chance to know.
that this is.His way of telling me.
you exist because I exist.
you woke up.because I allowed you to.
and because you are a servant and I am your God.


and today.a Friday morning was greeted with a flue and a slight fever.
but hey.even a pinch of pain is a way to cleanse a sin.
so it's ok.i am well in a state of unwell. :)

so today i shall not know what will become of me.
but lets just pray it'll be a good Friday.won't we?
after all..isn't Friday the king of all days?

and 1 day of half free from a heartache.
a step further from transgressing and a step nearer to understand that i have a God.and His name is Allah :)

to everyone and everything that get to experience Friday.may it be a nice one for you too.

Boys & Girls - A Love Story - Abu Eesa Niamatullah

look for a guy who falls in love not with the skin beneath the clothes but the heart beneath the skin.
-myself-

unwell.

day 82.

is a sick day.
and let it be a way of God to cleanse my sins.

and a deep slumber is not mine anymore to own.
and even when i am asleep i fear.so i decided i would just write.

but hey.God is just.there must be a reason why i am this way.afterall He is the One who heals sicknesses and the One that befalls it.

a friend told me.i need to stop.but how can i stop it if its not mine to own.isn't everything belongs to God?

other people's sins are not mine to bare.but i care of a stranger.because once he was not a stranger.and because once he was not a sinner.and because once i was a fool.and i am still one.

and if somebody ask.no.i am not hiding behind the reason of love towards a person.that love has long gone.but this is just a deep care.that will in the end destroy myself and all the care in the world that i carry for a stranger all this whilst.

a friend told me.i need to stop.but how friend? how can i stop from being ill and being mistreated.i don't own the world.i don't own the hearts of His creations nor the limbs.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i am not fine.and have not been fine since 4 years ago.for every 1460 days.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.this isn't about love.this is about betrayal and mistreatment.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i am still young.but a young heart can get hurt too.can it?

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i am a servant.and i deserve what ever test that i am being put through.be it years before.or years to come.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i do not deserve to be fooled and cheated if all i give is honesty and loyalty.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
no.i just can't see the bad nature of a stranger.and maybe i will never do.and that is a reason why i am always being fooled.

and this time if someone ask.i am just going to say the truth.
yes.i still pray for a stranger.simply because God loves those who cherishes His creations.no matter what you get in return.only He can give the best gift and no one else.afterall He is God.

so for a sick day ..i might just quit caring.but that doesn't mean i will be well.but i'll try.
so cheer up Neb.don't let 4 years behind take another of your 4 years ahead.
if you are served with betrayal.return it with layolty
if you are served with mistreatment.return it with respect.
if you are served with lies.return it with honesty.
and if you are served with hatred and slander.return it with a belief in God.

so dear self,

please be fine.put a smile.not just on the face.because a shattered heart can still smile if God will.
please be fine.put a strength in your limbs.because a strong person persevere if God will.
please be fine.because you are a human.and you need to.
and because losing a stranger that cherish you not and love you not.is not a waste.its a gift.from God.because He is saving you for a special someone.in His own ways and terms :)



and this is a song from a friend back in college.and this makes me think that i'll be fine.maybe not now.but someday.

penat.

day 81.

is half of the day in the hospital.

well maybe a quarter.and now.my body is tired,my mind is all over the place.and my heart is healing.

i need a break.

and its ok.God will give me one soon. :)

and now im too tired to type.too ill hearted to care.
and i shall try again tomorrow.

Wednesday..why must you be hard......

high and low.

day 80.

one matter is settled.and now i owned a number.

tired of waiting.but at least i was out of the house and get to see the world.well part of it.
and today.i saw many types of people as i was waiting inside a crowded mall.and one thing i realised is that
the lower the position you have in a society the more easy it is for you to lower yourself to God.

and as time passed by.only those who wears not jewellery and not expensive cloths enters the prayer room.but those who carries expensive shopping bags with expensive looks on their faces didn't even turn to look for a sign to the prayer room.and i stood there for hours looking.and wondering.and realising.maybe.just maybe.i was amongst those people who carries the worldly objects that becomes the reason for me not to lower myself to the One who owns all the wealth of the world.God.

and as i stood there.i feel the shame of seeing the past reflection of myself.walking around.being busy.carrying all those things that i see as valuable but never once did i stop and take time to realise that it is time for my prayers,that it is time to say my thanks to God to even let me experience His sustenance.

and today.in the middle of the busy milieu of the mall.i realised the ones that take time to remember God are the ones that receive not wealth.whereas the ones that were given wealth take time to spend it like theres no tomorrow until they burden themselves too much to even say...'thank you God'..unfortunate of me for once had been amongst the people who forgets.but fortunate of me for having a God that opens my eyes to see and giving me limbs to change my actions.

so for today.i learnt.that the better you are in lowering yourself to God the higher you are in His eyes.
so for today.i learnt.having money does not assure that you can buy your way to Heaven.if you use it not on His path.
so for today.that long hours of waiting.taught me not to be like who i used to be.

if God has opened my eyes.why should i blind it?
if God has given me limbs.why should i not move it for Him?

so Tuesday was like that.
to all,may you experience a good version of Tuesday too :)

Julia Sheer - You Will Never Be

and i shall not care anymore for someone who does not.truly. :)

onwards.

almost the ending of day 79.

and i woke up with a massive headache.
and from now onwards my day starts from 2pm onwards.simply because.my brain works as such now.

and a day that starts bitter will not end bitter.
because a friend is back and a thousand more awaits. :)

so to dear self.
God took one.and He'll return it with a thousand more good ones.
so La Tahzan dear self.
your day should be filled with joy from today.because a friend promised.and a God is there.

and this is just too cute :)

bitter.

day 79.

starts with bitter words.
and if this is a test from God then i must not run.

i guess its true when people say no one can stop God's sustenance.Be it.He says.
and if bitter words are the early servings to me then i guess my sustenance is the patience from all of it.

and early today.may i be patient.
with all the slanders thrown.simply because.God is enough as my only protector.

and early today.bitter words may start my day.
but bitter heart is kept far and far away.

so hey,to all the people that is about to start your Monday.
be it hell you start it from,everything comes from God.and everything He does is full of wisdom.
so put trust on Him.and He'll show you the wisdom.

because bitter words don't last.but God does.

so for today.trust is the key to start a Monday.
but not to His creations.but to Him.
may i not stray too far.and may my heart is not filled with vengeance and envy.
because my God is pure.and the only way for me to face Him is with pure heart.

just.

day 78.

has not end.yet.

i can't sleep.and i can't even pretend to sleep.

if you have headache.you have panadol.
if you have stomach ache.you have ginger ale.
but.if you have heartache.what do you use?

these past few days were filled with laughter and smile.
and i thought that would be enough.
but nonetheless.i am still in pain.

wounds heal.but scars don't.
and it seems

only when this
mouth speak of His name.

only when this
mind think of Him.

only when this
heart feels Him.

will i only feel the presence of peace.

and unfortunately.

this mouth,does not speak of Him.
this mind,does not think of Him.
and this heart,does not feel Him.

and unfortunately.i feel not the presence of peace.
and therefore.i am still not asleep.
because i allow pain to feel me.but not the wisdom behind the pain.and the beauty of the pain.

late today,a wise lady told me,
patience is accompanied with pain.
and that is how God tests us and at the same time rewards us.

test us with the pain.and reward us with the patience.
Subhannallah. He is indeed just.

so be patient Neb.for that is your reward for your test of being in pain.
afterall...He is just.isnt't He.

bahasa Melayu

hari 78.

bahasa Melayu yang sangat dirindui.

hujan.perbezaan masa.dan sifat azali yang malas.
membuatkan hari 78 dipenuhi dengan tidur.

mungkin ada sebab mengapa.mungkin juga ada hikmah disebalik tidur yang panjang.
mungkin kerana tidur yang panjang itulah mengelak diri dari melakukan dosa yang tak perlu.
dan mungkin kerana tidur yang panjang itulah mengelak hati dari sakit yang tak dimahukan.

jadi.terima kasih Tuhan.kerana benarkan roh ini diambil sebentar.
dan kini.mata sudah dibuka.dan hati boleh merasa.

maka separuh dipenuhi dengan perasaan tidak selesa dan separuh lagi kerana rasa menyesal dengan perasaan yang tidak selesa itu.

maka hari ini.
hujan.
perbezaan masa.
dan sifat azali yang pemalas.

harus didefinisikan dengan cara yang lain.

hujan sebagai rahmat.saat segala doa di tunaikan.
perbezaan masa adalah punca menyebabkan manusia mensyukuri siang dan malam.kerana itu juga adalah nikmat.
dan sifat azali yang malas harus ditukar.kerana manusia dicipta dengan sifat.namun diberi peluang untuk memilih sifat mana yang terbaik untuk diri.

dan itu.adalah hari yang singkat untuk seorang Neb.
dan satu hari lagi untuk seorang Neb sedar tidur dan celik itu.ade hikmah nya.

pause.

day 77.

is a day full of laughter.with two old friends. :)

and today i realised.life is good.simply because God is there.

and He gave me wonderful people for me to love and to love me back.

and that is a realisation that only now i come to understand.

so for today.only a simple lesson is learnt.

appreciate what you have instead of looking everywhere for what you don't have.

so today.i take the time God has spared me to appreciate happiness instead of hunting it.

because happiness is not to be chased but to be embraced.

so to many days wasted of chasing happiness.i shall make the traffic lights go red.because it is time to stop.
and appreciate the halt.

so today people. are you still chasing?or have you take time to stop.pause.and relax ? :)

a piece of flesh.

end of day 76.

and the warm weather does not bother me at all.
at times.

today.was a relax day.because today i did nothing but relaxing.
i don't feel like going out.not just yet. :)

so i predict.tomorrow shall be another relaxing day.
in other words.it does not take a psychic to know.that i will again be lazy.

so a talk with a friend cleared everything.and he promised that everything will be fine.and i shall trust him this time.
because it seems.i have nothing else to put my trust on besides God and a friend.

and today..as i was relaxing.in other words lazying around.i found a nice phrase from a book written by an author and spoken by a Prophet pbuh.

"...Indeed there is in the body a piece of flesh which if it is sound then the whole body is sound,and if it is corrupt then the whole body is corrupt.Indeed it is the heart"

i have known of this phrase before,but not until today i finally understood what it means.
and today became a day full of questions and answers.

the first question that came into mind is.

what is actually heart?
i spent years in school learning that it is that particular flesh situated above the left side of diaphragm just below the left chest.
and it pumps blood to keep a Neb alive.and it is the medium for us to refer to things related to emotions.

but a second question came.

if it is there,then why do most of us when asked,when we experience anger,sadness or joy, why is it we don't feel those emotions at that particular spot?why is it different each time? and that is a question i still haven't found the answer.

another question came into mind.

a heart that pumps blood can affect the whole system of the body.and that is true.scientifically.
but if a heart is also used as a medium for us to experience emotions,we can say,sadness can make us sick and joy can make us healthy.and if we switch it around.sadness can make us healthy and joy can make us sick.how so?

now from there.i realised.
like how i used to see things.only at its surface and never deeper.shame.

i came to understand that.the logic of science can explain just a fraction of the wonders of heart.but the rest is explained through the understanding of the belief in God.

well basically,yes.a heart can give effects to the body.physically.in terms of science.but a heart can also give emotional effects which is then translated physically.causes of actions.

and from here.i answered my questions.with one anwer.it is the emotions felt by the heart that determines the outcome of one's conditions.

sick or healthy.
sad or joy.
corrupt or pure.
agitation or peace.
dirty or clean.

so today.it is our emotions that we feel control the outcome of what our conditions are.
and how we define that particular emotion.

a joy can be healthy and a sadness can be sickening.
but God is fair.both can be switched.
a joy can be sickening and a sadness can be healthy.

again.depending on how we DEFINE it.

when we choose sadness as our emotion.did we choose it for the right reason?did we define it based on the right cause?
because.from here i realised.when I'm sad over the matters of the world.i become even more sad.leading to unrewarding actions.and this is the point where i see sadness as sickness.

and different when i get sad over my countless bad behaviours to God.and sad over all the disappointments that lead myself astray from God.the more i feel it.the more i think about it.the more peaceful i get.and somehow with a thousand words i still could not explain it.and that is how I see sadness that leads to healthiness.healthiness of soul,mind and body.

again.

when we choose joy as our emotion.did we base it on the right cause?or did we say our thanks to the right One? because from here i realised.when im in the state of joy,i tend to forget God even more.and that joy vanished into thin air the minute that i thought it came not from God but from the things of the world.and from there.it simply became pseudo joy.and there lies sickness behind it.

and different when i experience joy towards God's sustenances and remind myself that it is from Him those things came from.i experience more joy.a joy that i could not again explain by words.

and today this is how i view the meaning of

"...Indeed there is in the body a piece of flesh which if it is sound then the whole body is sound,and if it is corrupt then the whole body is corrupt.Indeed it is the heart"

the flesh as the emotion that we feel and the right definition of it and the body as the result of the actions we took and we felt from the emotion itself.

so when the flesh controls the body,the emotion controls the action.
and the action determines where we stand at the end.by the side of God or million light years away from Him.

so today.that was Wednesday.a few questions asked.and some are answered.
but now i know.to be able to feel is our nature.but to be able to control what we feel determines what we are.
simply healthy.or simply sick.

so i pray today.may you all have lead a healthy Wednesday and may it be even healthier for tomorrow. :)

NeverShoutNever - Your Biggest Fan - Lyrics

day 76.

is a song.and will remain as one.

and i was that fan.but not anymore.

never ending.

day 75.

is a tiring never ending day.

patience is very much needed at this moment for i have none.

soon dear self.soon.and a deep slumber will be yours.

being across the world.hopping from one continent to another made me realise.theres no other place i would rather be than in the arms of a mother.

and not even half of the way.i have already missed a friend.
and not even half of the way.i have already kept God so far away.

shame.

so this post is a note to self.so that at the end of this never ending day.i shall read it again.and i shall keep in mind.

nothing lasts.
even a miss.it will soon go away.because a friend remains a friend even seas apart.

nothing lasts.
even a moment of away.because God's will,He will not keep me so far away for so long.

so for a never ending day of the 75th,
i learnt,all i have to do is have faith.

have faith in friendship of one friend.
and have faith in one God,Allah.

so people,may you have a less tiring never ending day today.

a choice not to escape.

day 74

is many days after 73.

one journey has ended today.and another journey will soon begin.

i have been away.being from one place to another is indeed tiring.but it was all worth it.

many days of being away helped a lot.in amending this broken self.

so a journey that was planned as an escape became a journey for me to discover that life is not all about escaping.
its about choosing which part of life that you should face.and which you should leave behind.

and many days of silence.taught me well.that i have been trying to escape some part of life so bad that i took not the time to realise i must not escape.i just have to choose.

and after long long days of not trying to be near God,He is still amazing.simply because.His generosity of letting me to choose gives me chance to realise that He gave me a life not for me to run from.but to choose which is the right one.

and now.i choose.

i choose to understand.all this whilst.i have been wanting the wrong things and i have been needing the right things in life.
so now.what i need more is needing instead of wanting.

so thank you God.even though i thought of You so little these past few days.again.You are still your generous self nonetheless.

so now.

in spite of all the problems we are being faced with.all we need to do is.to choose.not to escape.

choose on how to handle it.
choose on how to accept it.

instead of

finding a way to escape.
finding a reason to escape.

and to a problem of mine that is solved.

i chose to need more than to want.
and i find not a way or a reason to escape.

because a life is given not for us to escape.but for us to make decisions on how we want to shape it.
so shape it wisely for it may be the key to a better version of what life should be when the end comes.

so finally.towards ending a journey.
i realised.
to a problem i face.

i have been wanting a wrong guy instead of needing the right guy.

so to the wrong guy that i want.
may you find your way in choosing life instead of escaping it.

and to the right guy i need.
may you have chosen the right life.for i am waiting at the other end.

so people,may you have the chance to choose not to escape.because life is lived once.fill it with great choices instead of great escapes.

stalk.

day 73

is two days ahead of day 72.

being surrounded by familiar faces makes me want to ignore the cyber world.and today i shall ignore it even better.

so for two days of being 'uncybernised' i find a better version of what a day should be,instead of getting on the web and looking at other people's life.

yes.i am referring to how we spend hours on the internet spending God's time like its ours to own inspecting the way people
lead their lives.but unfortunately through out the process of doing so,a little goodness is taken out of it and a whole lot of banefulness are gained.

and shamefully i am among of those who treats time like it shall for ever be mine and spend it like how i like it.and mostly wasting it.

so for two days that has passed i learnt that.i pay too much time knowing about other people's life and along the way i managed my life wrongly.and i blame myself 99% of it and 1% on the fact of how easy it is to view other people's life on a thing i call the WEB.yes.the thing we love most.the social network.

and sadly after knowing this,i realised we did it not to lessen the distance of humans' relationship,but we did it to create a much bigger gap between us.spreading rumours,creating gossips,training ourselves to be overly judgemental on each matter of other people's, and the most obvious,the pursue in the matters of straw.

and indeed.that 99% attitude of mine is the motivation that moved my limbs,and that 1% becomes the path that lead me to it.
and i realised now,we spend more time evaluating other people's life and we used not 24 hours given a day,30 days given a month,12 months given a year and many years given in a life to evaluate ourselves.instead.

so two days that has passed..made me realised...i have been stalking the wrong things in life.i have been stalking the creations of Him instead of the creator Himself.

and today.my problem is.i do not stalk God well enough and as much as i stalk His creations.simply because i wronged myself.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why am i at this position.and maybe why too 6 billion others out there.
a position of wanting to know more about His creations rather than the Creator himself.whilst it is Him who gave me the time,the energy and the resources to use it wisely.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why do i get so eager to get to know His creations..but never Him.
so eager to include humans in my life.but never God.whilst it is Him who created me.

so for two days that has passed.i questioned myself.

why do i even spend seconds,minutes and hours to get to know someone's sins when i have mine to clear.
so caught up in judging when i know i am being judged by God at the very same time.

so for two days that has passed.

i answered it with a regret.and i answered it with a hope.
a regret of being amongst those who pays attention not to God but to the things that will bring me further from His paradise.
a hope that things will change.and i shall one day stalk God more.

so people.for today.i shall lessen my attention to the world.and realise i MUST realise.so.have you today?

a final letter to a stranger.

day 72.

is a letter to a stranger that i used to know.

dear stranger,

let my hopes and my prayers be with you.
not because i still want to adore you,but because i am a servant who cares.and so are you.

so to a stranger,

may you find your way to God.
may you find your faith towards God.
may you find your peace with God.
may you find your salah for God.
may you find your akhlak that you cherish not.
may you find your adb that you've left.
may you find your loyalty that you sold.
may you find your honesty that you neglected.
may you find your light that vanished.
may you find your health that you forsaken.
may you find your modest in your arrogance.
may you find your repents in your sins.
may you find your courage whilst you're frightened.
may you find your love that you seek for.
and finally....

to a stranger.may you find yourself that you've lost.

simply because.i want to see you happy.regardless how mistreated i felt.
simply because.i seek forgiveness from God.therefore i must spare you forgiveness too.

a final letter.with God's permission.let this letter find you.so that you can find yourself again.
a final letter.with God's permission.let this letter be the last.so your name will no longer be spoken by my mouth and be felt by my heart.
simply because.those are my final prayers.Amin.