my footsteps.at those places.

if i could choose a place to stay.i'd pick this place.

a small house between the valleys with chimney on it.

-Interlaken.2012- 

if i could choose a place to watch the sunset.i'd pick this place.

  a cool late afternoon with a hand to hold close.

-Florence.2012- 

if i could choose a place to walk aimlessly.i'd pick this place.

a nice pair of shoes.with a partner to walk with.

-Venice.2012-

if i could just choose a place to sit and look.i'd pick this place.

an old wooden bench with a nice ice lemon tea.

-Bern.2012-

if i could choose a place to die.i'd pick this place.

a small grave by the side with a head stone on it.

-Mecca.2012-

and . . . 

if i could choose a place to end at.i'd pick this place.

with God by the side.and a heart that is calm.

-Heaven.infinity-

travel far and away.there will always be a better place to be at.
and its called.

Heaven.

'And march forth in the way (which leads to) forgiveness from your Lord, and for Paradise as wide as the heavens and the earth. . . ' [3:133]

insyaAllah.

tak adil!

'kenapa.kalau dah diberi hidup aku ni.
kenapa tak mati kan aja  saat aku tak dapat apa yang aku nak'

bilang orang.

dan ini.
bilang aku.


percayalah.


kalau semua benda perlu Allah terangkan dalam hidup ini.
maka siapa Tuhan.siapa hamba?


hidup ini.
kalau kita tengok.


memang tak adil.
ada yang hidup senang.
ada yang nak hidup pun susah.


tapi.itu kalau kita tengok hidup ini dengan mata kita.
bukan dengan hati.


hidup ini adil.
sangat adil.
kenapa?
sebab yang merancang hidup ini.
adalah si Dia yang Maha Adil.


tapi kita ni manusia.
teralalu gopoh untuk berhenti lihat.
yang sebenarnya.
semua benda yang telah Allah rancang.
semua nya teratur.


cuma kita ini.terlalu buta.untuk.perasan.


tahulah.


orang yang miskin.itu.
diberi miskin.
sebab ada nya sifat sabar.


dan orang yang kaya itu.
diberi kaya.
sebab ada nya sifat pemurah.


adil itu bukan macam mengagih beras.
mengikut takar.
tapi adil itu pada benda yang terlalu halus untuk kita sedar dan lihat.


'aku ni miskin.susah aja hidup.mana ada adil ni'


kalau lah Allah itu tak adil.
tak akan Dia susul kan kemiskinan itu dengan
ketabahan.
kesabaran.
dan yang penting.

jaminan syurga.

'aku ni sakit.susah aja hidup.nanti mati juga.kalau adil kenapalah dihidupkan'

kalau lah Allah itu tidak adil.
tak akan diberi nafas.
tak akan diberi masa untuk bertungkus lumus.
untuk ada sabar dalam sakit.
sebab yang penting.

jaminan syurga.

'aku ni bodoh.belajar pun tak pandai.kalau lahir hanya semata-mata jadi supir.apa adil itu'

kalau lah Allah itu tidak adil.
tak akan diwujudkan rasa bersyukur dan redha.
pada tiap hati makhluk yang degil.
sungguh yang penting.

jaminan syurga.

 'aku ni kaya.semuanya ada.buat apalah aku hidup lagi.ini semua adil ke'

kalau lah Allah itu tidak adil.
tak akan pernah ada perkataan sedekah.
amal khusus.yang hanya buat makhlukNya yang kikir.
pasti yang penting.

jaminan syurga.

semua nya memang dah adil. cuma manusia yang tak pernah adil dalam hidup yang penuh adil ini.

miskin itu diberi.dan diganti sabar.
tapi ada yang tak sabar.
jadi.
mana mungkin.
manisnya adil.
dapat dirasa.

sakit itu diberi.dan diganti masa.
tapi masa yang ada tak pernah diambil kira.
jadi.
mana mungkin.
manisnya adil.
dapat dirasa.

 kebodohan diberi.diganti dengan syukur.
tapi apa yang masih ada.belum lagi mewujudkan syukur.
jadi.
mana mungkin.
manisnya adil.
dapat dirasa.

jangan kita bilang Allah itu penghukum.
yang mencipta dunia hanya sekadar mainan.

sebab sungguh.
kalau lah dunia ini tak Dia ciptakan.
mana mungkin kita tahu apa itu mainan.

apa yang Allah rancangkan.
berhenti kita soal.
sebab kalau lah memang kita ini hebat.
nyata sekali.kitalah Tuhan.
dan bukan Dia.

berhenti.simpan dendam pada Pencipta.
Dia terlalu baik.untuk dibalas dengan cara yang itu.
jangan jadi si gopoh yang melihat dunia hanya bagai.perhentian yang akhir.

kalau masih susah juga hidup ini Allah beri.
senyum.
sebab sudah dijanji.
syurga itu lebih menyenangkan.
bagi mereka yang mahu.

'....boleh jadi kamu benci kepada sesuatu padahal ia baik bagi kamu, dan boleh jadi kamu suka kepada sesuatu padahal ia buruk bagi kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah jualah Yang Mengetahui (semuanya itu), sedang kamu tidak mengetahuinya. '

Baqarah.216.

what is it Neb????

Few days back.
Somebody had the courage to ask me.
In a very curious tone.
'Neb.what do you know about jodoh'

great.another unsolved question that i was asked to answer.
silently.i spoke.

'well.it depends on what you want to know about jodoh'

'EVERYTHING' the person said.

and so.
with His names.Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim.
i begin.
answering.

putting my opinions as close as possible.
because.
if you want facts.
this is not the post you should be reading.
full.stop.

---------------

'so.jodoh eh?'
i said.with sweats and gulps. 

to me.
jodoh.
is a beautiful secret.of Allah.
that if we were to trade it with the whole world.
still.
it wouldn't suffice to its beauty.
that.
is.
jodoh.

a mother.mothering a child.
is a jodoh.

a friend.becoming friends.
is a jodoh.

a teacher teaching a student.
is a jodoh.

and the most famous one.
a man to wed a woman.
is also a jodoh.

a point of meet.
that Allah have made possible.
yes.
to begin with.
that is jodoh.
according to me.

'ok.now explain further on that man and woman thing'
the person asked.

aahhhh.... i grinned.
not surprised.
not surprised.at all.
this has always been the most famous ponder of all amongst human kinds.
the LOVE jodoh.i call it.

with partial confidence of knowledge.
and full confidence of honesty.
i answered.
--------
imagine you are walking in a crowd of 7 billion people.
packed.

and for that split moment.
out of that 7 billion people.
you bumped into that one particular person.
that one person.that you would remember.

now.
that.is jodoh.

take that analogy.
and bring it back to reality.

all these years we are living.
encountering hundreds of people.
making acquaintances to many others.
having countless amount of friends.

all of that is jodoh.
written by Allah.
many years ago.
it has all been written.
that at one point in life.
we'll meet this person.and that person.
such and such.
and so.
jodoh.
marks the point right when you first meet the person.
be it.a brief meet.
or a long one.
without that first meet.
that Allah has made possible.
it would not be considered as jodoh.
in the first place.

and so.
if you ask.
do i believe in.
'jodoh tidak akan datang bergolek' ?

i would say.
no.

because.
i do believe jodoh.datang bergolek.

the first bump.
the first hello.
the first salam.
the first look.

everything.
has been planned  out by Allah.
and as we all know.everything that Allah has planned.
we can never distort.

'Then,what happens to the process of jodoh itself?wouldn't that be considered as jodoh too?'

again i was asked.
and i pondered for a while.
trying to find an easier way to make everything makes sense.

and so.i said.

get inside a car.
drive it to a place.
any place you want.
and arrive. there.

now.we relate.

the possibility to drive that car.
is the gift of jodoh from Allah.
the way we handle our driving.
is our effort to value that jodoh.
arriving at the destination.
is the reward from Allah.
and.
the destination itself.
is the indicator.of how we handle our drive.


i believe.
everything that happens between it.
it is all left to us.
jodoh.will still come.
in what so ever way.
even without us looking for it.
and in between all of it.that is.
attempt.

what we need to be doing.
is not to worry about the car.and the destination.

what we should be doing. 
is to focus on the drive itself and getting to the destination.

to preserve all the meets that Allah planned.
with the ones we have met.meeting.and to meet.

at the end of the day.
everyone will get into a car.
we just need to learn how to drive.and that is all.
so that when we arrive at the destination.
it'll be a worth while destination.
to arrive at.

preserve your jodoh with your parents.
so that they remain as your parents till Jannah.

preserve your jodoh with your friends.
so that you hold hands  with them in Jannah.

and.

preserve your jodoh with everyone you meet.
because you never know.
they might be the one.guiding you to Jannah.

remember.
everything that starts well.
ends well.

and to me.
the thing that makes is so beautiful.
about jodoh.
is that.
it is very much unknown.
but there lies.
good assurance.
in it.
worry not. :)

even years.

even after years.

your first hye.
and your last goodbye.

will.
still.
affect me.

with conscious.
and subconsciously.

it will.

and i would trade my world.
to change all that.
just so i know.
my memory.

is forever clean.

from.
the thought.of.you.

10 tonnes.

i miss Allah.

honestly.
truthfully.
sincerely.

i miss Him.

10 tonnes heavy.
10 tonnes heavy was my heart when i woke up this morning.
for no solid reason.
i just want to crawl deep into my veins.
and swim right to my heart.and say.

'hush.little heart.why the frown face?'

i miss Allah.
she says.
i just miss Him.
so bad.

'And know that Allah comes in between a person and his heart' [8:24]

and if this is a way.
just the way.
so that i will miss You in whatever way.
then.
let my heart be 10 tonnes heavy.
for every morning i wake.
so that i know.
You are that something.
that special something.
that comes in between me.
and my heart.

oh Allah.
without this obscure.
consciousness.
i.
wouldn't.
have remembered you.

so.
thank You.
----------------------------

sometimes.
there will be a day.
even if we are the king.
that owns the wealth and the loyalty of the earth.
still.that foreign feeling.
indescribable by words.
comes to visit.

just.be pleased.
it might be Allah.
wanting  you to miss Him.

insyaAllah.

the many good people.i met.

they were making jokes.

they were laughing.

they were smiling.

they were.

having.

fun.

how my heart grew bigger that night.
the moment when i met them.
with the same intention.with the same inspiration.with the same mission.

just.simply.
purely.

to help.

those in need.

and the honour.is mine.

that night.we cooked.we packed.and we gave.

and that night too.

we came back.

in hope.for bags full of good deeds.in return.

and a bigger heart.to help.

even more.

insyaAllah.
:)

Ramadhan yang berkali-kali

ade orang dulu.pernah bilang.
'ah Neb.kaw yer2 je bulan puase ni.baik gile kaw plak kan. sampai nak bertudung semua bagai.sat lagi pagi raye.setan balik lah kau'

aku diam.
tunduk.
hurm.
mungkin ada benar.

jadi.
aku diam.
buat apa nak bentak.
buat apa nak melalak.
kalau yang dicakap.
lebih dekat pada benar dari tipu.

jadi.Ramadhan yang itu.
Ramadhan yang untuk ke berapa kali.
yang keberapa kali itu.untuk aku cuba lagi.
cuba.cuba.dan cuba.lagi.
untuk paham.
siapa itu.ILAHI.

asal nya.
semua yang jadi,
semua atas dasar rasa segan.
dah kalau satu kelas sembahyang.
tak akan lah aku seorang.duduk tepi tiang.
tunggu macam orang bangang.
kan?

maka.wudhu' yang jarang aku ambil tu.
aku ambil.walau dengan penuh rasa malu.
aku basah kan jugak.muka.kaki.tangan.sampai ke siku.
semua nya.aku basahkan.

'alaaaa.
sembahyang aja lah Neb.
bukan susah pun.
bukan nya kau tak pernah sembahyang.
dulu kecik-kecik pun kau sembahyang'

aku cakap sorang.

lepas sembahyang yang itu.
aku sembahyang lagi.
lagi dan lagi.
lama-lama.
sembahyang yang selalu aku elak.
dah jadi macam kunci dan selak.
selagi tak bercantum.
selagi itu.aku tak tersenyum.

jadi.
aku.sembahyang.
walau sekali dalam sehari.
tetap aku buat.
'eh.asal lah aku susah-susah ni.tiap kali sembahyang.kena ambil wudhu'.
tiap kali sembahyang kena berebut telekung surau.
tiap kali sembahyang kena cecah lantai habuk.
asal susah-susah ni?'

namun.
dalam diam merungut.
masih lagi aku gerak kan kaki dan tangan.
masih lagi aku buat.
jadi.yang itu.
itu adalah.
Ramadhan.
Ramadhan aku.

semuanya.
sekali lagi.
bermula dengan segan.
segan lah.
kalau dah semua orang bertudung.
aku seorang telanjang.
penat jugak.asyik-asyik nak mengelak.
tiap kali nampak ustaz lalu depan.
penat dah nak tunduk.buat-buat tak kenal.terus jalan.
aku penat.
dengan malu.
jadi.
'ah.pakai ajalah tudung ni.paling-paling sebulan aku pakai jugak.
bukan tak pernah pakai pun.dulu tiap kali kelas agama. aku sarung kan jugak.kan?
pakai aja lah.nak malu apa. kalau sebulan pun aku pakai.paling-paling.rambut tak kena
panas.nanti dah habis sebulan.kita tengok macam mana'

maka.
sehelai kain.
aku letak kan.
atas kepala seorang yang bongkak.
sebulan.aku letak.
itulah yang aku buat.
sebulan.sekali.
itu pun.tak pernah lengkap.
kalau tak kain.paling-paling.aku pakai hoodie.

jadi.
aku.bertudung.
walau sebulan dalam setahun.
tetap aku bertudung.
'eh asal lah aku susah-susah.tiap kali bertudung.kena gosok dulu.
tiap kali bertudung.aku nampak selekeh.tiap kali bertudung.kepala mesti berpeluh.
asal susah-susah ni?'

namun.
dalam diam merungut.
masih lagi aku sarungkan kain yang itu.
masih lagi aku buat.
jadi yang itu.
itu adalah.
Ramadhan.
Ramadhan aku.

habis Ramadhan.
benar.
aku masih lagi yang dulu.
tapi yang dulu.bukan lagi aku.
dalam sembahyang yang jarang-jarang.
dalam aurat yang tak pernah lengkap.
aku.
bukan.aku.
tapi.kalau dah kepala keras macam batu.
kau bilang lah apa saja.tetap aku buat tak tahu.
ha.yang itu.aku
tapi.

diam diam.walau tak mengaku.
aku tahu.
aku.
bukan.aku.
yang dulu.

2 Ramadhan yang itu.
3 tahun yang lalu.
buat aku keliru.
Ramadhan dah habis.
kenapa masih lagi aku sebuk-sebuk nak sembahyang?
kenapa masih lagi skirt-skirt,short-short tu semua aku nak buang?
kalau batu itu keras.kepala aku lagi keras.
aku kembali aku.
dan Tuhan?

Tuhan masih di situ.
dan tanpa aku sedar.
2 kali Ramadhan yang itu.
Dia.tengok betul-betul dekat aku.

walau setahun lepas itu.aku tunggu.
mungkin.dalam solat yang berterabur.
dalam cubaan menutup yang tak berapa nak jadi.
Dia.bantu.aku.

maka dari itu.
dengan macam cara.
dengan apa cara.
lepas puas aku lari beribu batu.
Allah pilih aku.
untuk tak lagi jadi aku.
untuk aku sedar.
mungkin dah masanya.
aku benar sujud pada lantai yang berhabuk itu.
aku benar tutup aurat aku yang satu itu.

dan.
dalam aku sedar.atau tak.
aku minta sedikit aja sebenarnya.
aku minta biar aku sembahyang 5 kali sehari.
aku minta biar aku menutup dengan rendah diri.
itu je?

tapi kalau dah Maha Pemberi.
Dia mesti beri yang lebih.
jadi aku berhenti tanya kenapa.
kenapa aku?
sebab.aku tahu.
kalau bukan aku.
aku sendiri lah yang rugi.

jadi.ada orang tanya.
setahun yang lepas.
'Neb kenapa berubah?'

jawapan aku sangat mudah.

Islam itu terlalu indah.
untuk aku tidak berubah. :)

sembahyang lah.walau sekali.
mungkin yang sekali itu.yang Allah tunggu.

berniat lah.walau sekali.
mungkin yang sekali itu.pengubah nasib mu.

dan 2 Ramadhan itu.
walau lambat berlalu.
tetap.mengubah aku.

insyaAllah.

you came back! :D

we meet every year.
and every year you came.
each year you came.
its always my sadness that you tame.

its never a long visit.
a brief one.every time.
but you came.
nonetheless.
without shame.
i sit and wait.

i know.
i appreciate you never.
though i know too.
its always you.
that i remember.
if you still remember.
great fun.
it was last year.
you came.with packs of smiles.
pure joy. even for a while.

but.
when its over.
you just had to go.
we parted.
and the grief became me.
how i wish you would stay.
but you were never mine.
so you say.

i surrendered.
i let you walk away.
and i cried.though i never cried for you.
instead.you told me.
its okay. with Allah's will.
we'll meet again.
and i waited.
and waited.
and waited.
but you never came.

now.
after a long wait.
with hopes and cries.
a year full of ache.
finally.
in front of me.
you came.

you greeted.
Salam Neb.

with a smile i replied.
Salam to you too.

Ramadhan.  :)

pak cik Din dan soya aku

'oh.pak cik raya memang seorang-seorang.dekat sini lah'

'buka puasa nanti di Masjid'

bilang pak cik Din.

jatuh jantung aku sekejap.

tapi masih.aku senyum.

alahai pak cik.kalau lah kau tahu.

-------------

4 tahun lepas.

aku jalan gelak-gelak.

'faster lah wey.tuition starting soon.I NEED my soya.'

lari-lari kiteorang turun bawah.

tangga kasturi sempit.

pelajar banyak.

tapi aku ni kecil.

aku lalu jugak.

dalam kepala.

'aku mesti dapat soya aku!'

lari cepat-cepat  ke Petaling Street.

yer.masa tu belum ada bumbung cantik.

belum ade jalan cantik.

yang ada.semua kedai.

ah beng-ah beng.amoi-amoi jerit suruh beli.

haa.yang itu ada.dan masih ada.

tengah-tengah.kedai beg.kedai baju.kedai jam.

aku jalan laju.

'i must get my soya!'

lepas selit-selit.langgar-langgar.

sampai depan kedai soya.

'yes!.mission accomplished,5 minutes before class starts.faster woman!'

seringgit.lima .puluh.sen.

dan akhirnya.satu soya bungkus.milik aku.

'fuiyo!'

senyum lebar.

rasa puas.bila dapat apa yang aku mahu.

walaupun sebungkus soya bukan perkara yang besar.

tapi aku jalan jauh dengan kudrat aku.

jadi takde sebab untuk tak rasa suka.

'ok.we need to go now!'

laju.aku lari.

kawan dekat depan.aku dekat belakang.

'habislah.berpeluh lah masuk kelas macam ni.alaa.tak hot lah gini!'

berpeluh sakan.tapi kaki masih laju.

sambil lari.sambil minum.

aaaah.puas!

sampai depan 7 eleven.

lagi 8 langkah tangga kasturi.

aku berhenti.

Allah.

satu pak cik.

tadah tangan.

atas lantai.

dia minta duit.makanan.minuman.

apa saja.

dia minta.hidup.

sungguh.yang itu aku nampak.

sungguh.dia minta.maruah.

maruah yang baru.

'eh Neb.come!'

kawan yang dah dekat depan.

bilang suruh cepat.

tapi aku berhenti.

dalam hati minta sangat-sangat

'tolong lah ada duit lagi dalam kocek skirt ni.tolonglah!'

puas aku cari.

sayang.

yang tinggal hanya sepuluh sen.

'adoi! lagsi betul lah!.time gini lah semua duit hilang macam angin'

sungguh.dengan rasa segan.

ketar-ketar aku hulur tangan.

sepuluh sen itu jugak yang aku letak perlahan lahan.

Allah.

dia minta maruah baru.aku hanya beri sepuluh sen?

sungguh.maruah dia bukan harga yang itu.

sungguh.maruah dia lebih!

aku diam.tunduk malu.

maaf pak cik.bukan aku tak mahu.

tapi aku tak ada.

sungguh.memang tak ada.

dalam hati aku cakap.

'janji pak cik! lepas habis kelas nanti.saya turun.bawak lagi.'

yang itu.memang aku janji.

tapi.

bila turun lagi.

pak cik dah pergi.

sedih aku sendri-sendiri.

nak buat macam mana.dah bukan rezeki.

esoknya

ada kelas.

lagi sekali.aku kalut sebuk carik soya.

macam kalau tak ada soya.tak boleh belajar.

tah hape2 tah.

lagi sekali.aku lari.lagi sekali. aku berhenti.

eh.pak cik yang sama!

wah! ni memang rezeki!

cepat-cepat aku hulur seringgit.

aku sangka.

'yes.kali ni puas.dapat beri'

dengan seringgit aku sangke.

oh.makanan.minuman.

maruah baru!

semua dia akan dapat!

tapi sungguh.

aku bodoh.

dalam 7 eleven aja.

seringgit tak boleh beli apa-apa.

nak beli air soya aku pun.belum cukup seringgit yang itu.

alaaaaahai.

'masih belum cukup Neb.masih belum!'

malam tu juga.

aku duduk.

aku minta.

puas puas aku minta.

walau tahu.dahi ini jarang sekali mahu sujud.

tapi aku tetap mahu minta.

sebab kalau bukan pada Dia.dekat siapa lagi aku nak minta?

perlahan dalam hati aku bilang.

kalau boleh. beri aku apa adanya Allah.

tolong.beri aku apa saja.untuk aku beri pada dia.

dia.dia.dia.dia.dia dan dia-dia yang lain.

biar mereka tak kenal lagi erti lapar.

biar mereka lupa penat terlantar.

biar mereka rasa.maruah yang mahal.

sungguh.biar mereka.

rasa.

memang masa dulu.

tak pernah lagi terlintas.

apa itu erti memberi.

aku sangka.hidup ini dah cukup mudah.

dah cukup selesa.

dapat segala yang aku minta.

yang murah.yang mahal.

semua aku ada.

tapi.

aku lupa.

aku mungkin bahagia.

tapi banyak lagi yang sengsara.

sedih.pada diri.

alahai. cetek nya hidup.

kalau sekadar sesuap nasik.

aku perlekeh kan.

bayang kan ramai yang kebulur.

meminta-minta.

kalau tak sesuap nasik.

setengah pun mungkin dah cukup pada mereka.

jadi.

aku berhenti.

berhenti untuk rasa bangga dengan dunia.

yang konon aku jaja.

dari sini ke sana.

dari akhir.ke mula.

aku berhenti.

ya Allah.

biar kau sedarkan aku selalu.

bila mana aku lupa dan tak mahu.

wujudkan lah rasa malu.

malu dengan bongkak ku.

malu dengan kikir ku.

malu dengan dunia ku.

biarlah aku terus beri.

beri.beri.dan memberi.

biar sampai maruah pak cik yang itu.

jadi lebih mahal dari maruah aku sendiri.

4 tahun.sudah.pergi.

masih.ramai lagi yang meminta.

masih ramai lagi yang sengsara.

dan kadang-kadang.

masih lagi aku terlupa.

yang Pak cik Din.

itu hari aku jumpa.

juga.adalah.mereka.

dan esok lusa.

mungkin aku jadi juga mereka.

alahai.

percayalah.

kehidupan manusia antara sesama manusia itu.

adalah ujian dan nikmat dari Allah.
kalau kita saling menyukar kan.kita adalah ujian untuk sesama kita.dan kadang kala.kita gagal.
kalau kita saling menyenangkan.kita adalah nikmat yang tak terhingga.dan kadang kala.kita lupa.
sungguh.kita memang kena sedar.sebaik baik manusia.adalahmanusia yang paling bermanfaat pada manusia yang lain.

so make our every breath.worth.for another person who is also breathing. 

biar.nafas aku yang ini.jadi nafas Pak cik Din.lain hari. 

insyaAllah.

Who is he that will lend to Allah a goodly loan so that He may multiply it to him many times? And it is Allah that decreases or increases (your provisions), and unto Him you shall return. 

[2:245]

photo by Umar Mita.my new favourite photographer.he-he.

something small for something big.

i would settle down.

with just.
being steadfast in those 5 times prayers.

with just
being steadfast in those 30 days of fasting.

with just
being steadfast in covering my head.

with just
being steadfast in being a decent daughter.

i would settle down.

for that.and.
just.that.

but.
for the things that i wished for.

He gave.even more.

and sometimes i wonder.

am i even worth.the honour?

this soul? this sinner soul? this trash?
on the path of enlightenment?
are you sure?

again. i uttered.countless uttering.

seriously.i would settle down.
with just.
the lowest point of heaven.
somewhere just right above hell.
just the least.
not too hot nor too cold.just for me to bare.

yes.even that.it would be fine.

but oh.no.no.no.
You held my heart.and You squeezed it hard.
ask more.You said.
and from there.
i did.

again.i would settle down with just that.
with just a Muslim as a title.
a title to hold.
nothing more.and nothing less.
really.that's what i've been told.

but again.You offered.
more than i bargained.
still.without fail.
ask MORE.You said.
and subconsciously.i did.

drowned in my own sins.
You pulled me out.
a Saviour that i yelled for.
silently in the darkest pit.
and You came.
each time.
anywhere.anytime.

again.i thought.

so little that i asked.
not a sign of  dare.
to all Your Might.and to all Your Power.
but just a sign of shame.
to my endless long sins.

really.truly.really.
i asked so little.
but You gave even more.

i asked You.to let me pray.
and You opened my heart.
to the things You say.

i asked You.to let me fast.
and You opened my heart.
to the wonders of hunger and thirst.

i asked You.to let me cover.
and You opened my heart.
to the miracles of modesty.

honestly.i did not ask for a different path.
something simple.something.in the middle.
but no.
You gave me more.

Tarbiyyah.
You gave me instead.

oh.indeed.thank you.Allah.

 Do they seek other than the religion of Allah (the true Islamic Monotheism - worshipping none but Allah Alone), while to Him submitted all creatures in the heavens and the earth, willingly or unwillingly. And to Him shall they all be returned. 
(  سورة آل عمران  , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter 3, Verse 83)

a letter to my future self.

Dear Neb.

i'm writing to you now with a high hope.that someday.
when you lose your way. these are the words that you would be reading.
may Allah guide you to these virtual words that i kept safe for you.

in the name of Allah.and so i begin. . . .


to you my dearest Neb.
please may you still be in the comfort and warmth of Allah.
while these words accompany you.one letter at a time.
-

Neb. once.i told you.and i shall tell you again.
too far have you gone now.will you not see?
too far off to make the starting line seems vague.
too far off to take that step backward.
and
too far off to be stoping for a break.

and so.if you ever fortuitously dismiss this journey from your mind.

close your eyes tight.and remember.well.

all those emptiness you used to have?
all those endless questions with no answers?
all those sleeps with tears still not dried?
and.
all those confusions that scarfed your soul bit by bit?

remember those.

. . . . .


and now.
remember these.

for each and every empty space you have in your hollow heart.
Allah came.and filled it.
so have you no shame and deny it?

for all those questions dangling in your mind.unanswered.
Allah came.and spared you the answers.
so have you no shame and yet deny it?

for all those sleeps that you fail to smile for.
Allah did come.and guarded your soul still.
so have you no shame and still deny it?

and

for all those unheard confusions.that became a friend.
Allah vanished it.in a brief swept.it went away.
so have you no shame and must you deny it?

oh dear Neb.
your soul is young.
an unseasoned traveller.
a fresh first breath.
that is what you are.

so overwhelmed yourself not.
if you trip. remain poise.
if you fall.stand up.
because. there is no perfect joy.nor will there be perfect misery.
in life.

so please.
do not remove the light that lightens the darkness with your own hands.
do not pray for an easy life. if the hard ones are the ones that made you who you are.
and do not.forget

to just.simply.just.
be.



grateful.

with love and countless care,
yourself. 

bicara yang tertunggak.

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.you were dead.

because how can u be dead.

if you are still in my head?

i would tell u  i lied.

if i tell you.im in your heart.

because for somebody who is dead.

you have no heart.

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.you have tried.

because.if you really did.

in my heart.you won't be dead.

i would tell you i lied.

if i tell you.you are my pride.

because.how can i be proud.

for somebody who is dead?

i would tell you i lied.

if i tell you.it wasn't hard.

because how can it be easy.

if there are things left unsaid?

i would tell u i lied.

if i tell you.i am sad.

because how can i be.

if without you.

that's when i found.
God.

untuk benda yang jarang jarang kita sedar.
dan jarang jarang kita peduli.
yang terhilang itu.mungkin lebih baik dari ada.
jadi senyum.sungguh.bukan untuk yang lain.
tapi untuk  diri sendiri.yang masih lagi ada.