if you ask.

day 43...

if you ask me if i still love you...
i would say...if only God let me to.

if you ask me if i still trust you..
i would say...if only you did not cheat.

so these are my answers..and i will only love those who loves God first and then me.
simply because.i have done enough sins.therefore i find no reason to make more.

so today.you asked.and i answered.

with all my heart.i will be happy enough if God is the only one i will ever love.

so today.that was my saturday.and tomorrow i will be far and away.

so.people,i hope your saturday is less heartbreaking than mine. for i have had a really long day today but nonetheless i have no reason to not end it with a smile.thank you God for making it in fact a day.heartbreaking or not heartbreaking.

healed.

half of day 42.

and i am truly healed.because today i accept.i truly accept what is written for me.

simply because i am just only a human.and who am i to bargain with God?

a wonderful friday indeed as my eyes are dried over wasted tears.and my heart is free from the impermanent scars.

and to those who have reached me when i was in the most bottom point of disappointment.thank you.

and to those who have caused the disappointment.i forgive you for i am not God.i am only Neb...
and may you forgive me for causing you to be harsh to other souls and mine included.

indeed today i am truly blessed for having a God.

a God that never gives up in forgiving.

a God that never leaves me when i need Him.

a God that gives me life to live it.

and a God who gives me guidance when i most need it.

thank you God...

so today people,have you thank God well enough? if not.there is still time.end Friday well with countless of thanks. :)

Wali Band-Aku Cinta Allah (Dgn Lirik Lagu)

day 42. is a song.and i let the words be my words.



may we all have the best Friday of all. :)

Travis Garland - Fuckin Perfect (Lyrics)

a song :)

again.sick.

day 41.

i am sick.again.

last night i had a dream.a reality that became a nightmare.

please sick. go away.

and please nightmare.go away too.

Neb.you left a bad thing.so don't be sad nor dissapointed.

he cheated.not you.

and if there really isn't anyone for you.there's still God.

please know.He guided you this far.He won't turn away.

please know.

so Thursday,be gentle,for i have a gentle heart today.

cliche.

day 40.

i am strong.i tell myself.i need to be happy.because God wants me to.or else i would not be alive.

why do i cry over the wrong things and not smile over the right things?

so i woke up today.with a smile and some balance of yesterday's tears.

go out and look up at the sky Neb.if He took one of His creations from you.just one.He returned it with a thousand more.

so today i went out to the place of all the souls that have been taken.i visited the father of my father.

and again.death became a reminder.that i will at one point be there too.not to visit.but to stay.

and today i spent quality time with two parents and a sister i rarely get to see.

i guess its not just cliche how people always say,things happen for a reason..and there is always wisdom behind it.

and today if it not had been the awful incident my sister had to endure last night.we wouldn't be able to spend the whole day together from one point to another.even it is such an invaluable moment to others,it is still a moment,and if we don't value it then forgetful we have become.forgetful that we are humans.and we die.and we leave.and what is invaluable today might be valuable tomorrow because it might just not happen again.we never know.

so half of today i learnt,to see wisdom in anything we have to be wise ourselves.if not.you will never see wisdom in anything even the most beneficial circumstance.

so today,thank you God.for taking one person from my life and replace it with a thousand more.generous You are.and forgetful i am.

come on people.live Wednesday like you have never lived it before.there might not be a next Wednesday. :)

to a lost love.

end of day 39.

a talk with a friend made it better for a while.
cries and laughs must be balanced.

i guess i am not upset afterall.apart of me knew that love we had will never be mine.

upset now that i won't be able to recall even a slight happy memory of us.simply because.you have completely changed how i view towards you.

unsatisfied of how i try to justify this sadness.trying to rational what isn't.

so a good friend spared a moment and told me.sadness is sadness even without justification.
sometimes i just don't need to find the right reasons for being sad.sometimes i just need a moment to feel sad itself.

so i took his advice.and i let myself be sad without finding the right reasons.and at the end of today.

with ample time of embracing sadness.i managed to understand why i became sad.

i was upset.
not because i still love you.but because i have loved you before.

i was upset.
not because i was cheated by you.but because i gave my truthfulness to you.

i was upset.
not because you found someone else at a brief period.but because i spent too long to realise that you're not the one.

i was upset.
not because you love me less.but because i had loved you too much.

i was upset.
not because i don't have you.but because you had me.and you threw me away.

i was upset.
not because we will not have any happy moments together.but because i have none to remember.

i was upset.
not because all the fights we had.but because you didn't learn anything out of it.

i was upset.
not because you loved with your mind and not your heart.but because i did the same.

i was upset.
not because we failed.but because we knew it will fail.

and i was upset...

because i have put Him behind and you first.
knowing that He gives me life and love to live and love Him first.not you.

so today i learnt.
love is beautiful.it wont hurt you.and if it does.its not love my dear.its just you,me and a title.

so God.you have showed me in so many ways that its not him You have planned for me.and i put the signs behind not foreseeing
how bad he would hurt me.so i leave it to you.the One that holds mine and my lover's souls.

post-script: thank you my friend Muhammad for again sparing me a moment to still laugh.

Tuesday was hard.but if Wednesday is harder.i am a step stronger because of Tuesday. :)

tears.

day 39 is today.

i woke up with a smile.and before i could embrace today.drops of tears fell down.

and i felt as if my heart was shrinking.

and suddenly all the sins that have been done came rushing through my brain.

reminder that i am still a human today and yesterday and the days before.

how i have taken this world as the end point.and how i forgot.that God's love is far better than the love of 6 billion humans combine altogether.

and today.God showed me again.that His creation that i love dearly before,has not bring any benefits but tears and heartaches.

and today.in spite of the heartache that was presented to me in the morning of Tuesday.i felt a slight of thankfulness.that somehow this sinful creation of Him,me.still deserves a reminder from Him.i got it today.and clearly enough.i have loved the wrong creation of Him.and clearly enough before.i chose the pseudo love given by one of His creations instead of a pure love from Him who created love itself.

and the tears that fell down today.were not tears of finally knowing that i have lost that love from that person.but tears of how ungrateful i am and how sinful i have been towards Him.

so.i cried and dropped those tears.because tomorrow i will not cry for the same man again.i will only cry for Him.

a Tuesday full of tears indeed.

the mannequin and the tailor

day 38.was the day before yesterday.in malaysia.

i really got to keep up with the days.

sunday.

was a disappointment.

and sunday.

almost made me become ungrateful.

too self consumed over what i want and i shut the whole world.as if it belongs to me.

and i have just realised what we are actually.we are humans...and that is how far it goes.

we are humans..we are humans..and we are ONLY humans.

in malay.we should really call ourselves TAK SEDAR DIRI.

because we are.

see life like a piece of clothing as a gift.you get it but that does not mean you earn it.

some of us may have worn it nicely.whilst the rest..the rest wore it.dirtied it.and even alter it to suit their bodies.and along the way we cut.we sew and we reveal the skin beneath it.

sadly,a genuine gift that we took and we changed and made it look grotesque to the eyes of God.

and that i realised today.its us.

some of us my lived a beautiful life knowing that it is a gift.whilst the rest lived it.dirtied it.and altered it to suit their wants and their needs.

and at the end.what may be sublime to us is appalling to Him.

and....today i realised. i still don't know where i stand.

if i have cut it.sewn it.and altered it all together.can i still make it look genuine?
how can i 'unpatch' the patches that i have cut that reveals my ugly skin?

now....that today i learnt.if i am the mannequin.what i wear depends on the tailor.
and i am just hoping that the tailor would come back again.and sew the patches i have done mistakenly and foolishly.

so sunday was like that to me.i hope yours was a lot better. :)

lucky i am.

day 37.was yesterday.

saturday went really well.well enough until i forgot to even tell.

old friends that i met.had a few smiles.and had a few laughs.and the most important......
wonderful moments knowing we are still friends.in spite the number of minutes.hours.days.months.years.that has passed.

as we go along.
we realised there are things we need to carry and things that we need to leave behind.and which are the things to carry and leave.it depends on what kind of ending that we are hoping for.

i have carried and i have left some.
and as you grow older.the ending that you want becomes clearer.and things to carry and leave become even clearer.

so i learnt yesterday.what is valuable to our human eyes.may worth nothing to Him.
and what worth nothing to us.may worth everything to let us earn the great ending of a great journey.

so i sat.and i thought.have i carried the right things.and have i left the wrong things?
after 2 decades of life given.

so i sat.and i thought.have i planned the right ending.and have i tried getting there?
after 2 decades of life given.

so i sat.and i thought.have i walked the right path.and have i tried looking at the right map?
after 2 decades of life given.

so i sat.and i realised.i may have carried the wrong things.i may have planned for the wrong ending.and i may have walked the wrong path.

but...

lucky i am.for having a God that look not at my past once i decide to change.
lucky i am.for having a God that is willing to give me a chance.that i might not get.from anywhere.from anyone.
lucky i am.for having a God that i could always rely simply because....i am amongst billions of His creations.


so....why am i not grateful all this whilst? ......
that.only i can answer.and even that i can't answer.

so Neb.open you eyes bigger.and open your heart even bigger.
because if you need to carry anything.carry your faith.
because if you need a great ending.end it by His side.
because if you need the right path.use His book as a map.

great saturday.now sunday try to compete that will you.. :)

how great it is.

day 36.

i spent it wisely for every minute is not mine.its His.

met an old friend.and bought books in hoping i would gain knowledge that would bring me to a good ending.

friday was calm.and i shall end it with a smile tonight before i go to sleep.because that's what this friday deserves.

i realised today how great it is to be alive and healthy.to be able to do things you want.and you can.

i realised today how great it is to have someone to love and to be loved.to be able to feel happiness that love brings.

i realised today how great it is to have freedom and to share it with everyone.to be able to still smile and not be killed.

i realised today how great it is to have parents and them to have me.to be able to feel their love and to give it back in anyway that is possible.

and i realised how great it is to be amongst the 6 billion that God chose to live again yet another day.to be able to see how wonderful the world is and to realise,it is just a stopping point to a better life at the end.

so today.i learnt that.a life is given to one not to be wasted.we all have a purpose.how we define our purposes.now...that depends on us.but if we are grateful creations.we would know.for every purpose we have.its for Him.because if it's not because of Him i wouldn't be able to write..nor you to read..this.

happy coming saturday everyone :)

right and wrong.

day 35.

you crossed my mind.accidently.today.

and i thought of you for a second.

and i said.what if.

what if is wrong.because.what if shows i have not accepted willingly what has been written for me.

again i remind myself.things happen for a reason.and if its for the reason of goodness how can it be wrong.

right and wrong are not determined by how we see it.if its right.its right.if its wrong.its wrong.

so again Neb.having a thought of something wrong.is still wrong.even if you wage it with a thousand reasons.what is wrong is still wrong.

so i learnt.follow what He says.and i shall never find anything wrong with it.because you can never find flaws in His perfection.

so today.i blocked all the wrong thinkings with just my heart.and nothing works as best as a heart which wants to change for a better reason.

so today people.accept we are humans.and we have flaws.and how we fix that flaws is perfection itself.

a great thursday.indeed.with flaws that were fixed. :)
dear friday,may you give reminder.that i am still a human with flaws....that can be fixed.

procrastinator.

day 34.

semi productive day.

and then.a full lazy day lead after.

ungrateful of the hours given.and not spared for even a single effort to bring humanity to a better place.

yes.i am still living that version of life.

easily influenced by even a sound of a wooden creep.

a procrastinator who loves perfection can't survive.

i tell that to myself.but never actually believe it.

Neb.don't waste your time.it's not you who owns it.

so today.i did something.far from saving the world.i just did my work.and that is all.and even that is not finish.

snap out of fantasy Neb because the reality awaits.

so today. i learnt not to waste time.because a procrastinator is not listed amongst the successful.

but do i apply the lesson? we shall see tomorrow :)

post-script : i miss you.dearly.and every day.i hope.i won't miss anyone else but you.because talking to you is fun.and laughing with you is even more fun.

i lead a lazy wednesday..i hope you guys didn't :)

let it be a less lazy thursday tomorrow people.

yesterday.

day 33.was yesterday.

glad i talked to a friend.

those aimless talks.were aimed.

friendship is vague.

not until you experience it will you know what type of friendship it is.

i have experienced many.and the best friendship of all.is the one you can rely on.even aimless craps.

and the rest i call it fun friendship.a friendship that is fun.and the only thing you gain out of it.is fun.it is not wrong but it is just fun.

and be it only one friend.i will be more than satisfied.because i have found the right one friend :)

so yesterday.i learnt.that i am not being anti social.i am just being comfortable with what i have.because comfort is all i need.

but i welcome new and good friends.because 6 billion humans exist for one another.
simply because,God is generous.He gives you friends.and let you choose which one is good. :)

so for yesterday.may you had a wonderful tuesday.for it only comes once in a week :)

soul.

half of day 32.in malaysia.

somebody just died.

somebody i don't even know.

but he died.

and death.has again become a reminder.

how age.gender.race.wealth.health.have nothing to do with it.

because when He says. 'Be and it is' ...its just is.

sad.i am.

for the death itself.

but even more sad.that we need something as heartbreaking as death.to remind us.that we are ONLY humans.and nothing more.

why so?
have we become empowered by knowledge of the world that we gained so little?

or the pseudo joy that we get out of our sins?

or simply.because ungrateful beings that we have become.

al-fatihah to all the souls that were taken today as a Muslim.

and may that somebody.i have not met.and i have not known.but deeply sadden by his death.be in peace.before.and after.



may we have a monday full of reminders besides death.

of legs and brains.

day 32.even if its not.i will say so.

today.i look back a lot at how i used to view life.and how i used to live it.

many flaws were found.and i thought my change would not affect my world.in anyway.

yes.my change did not change my world.but my world has changed me.the most.now.with these different eyes.

i look back.and i see.i have had all those things.i have gone through all those things.i have experienced all those things.and i don't find it joy.i find it fun.and i know less before,how fun does not justify joy.

a fool i am for thinking that the old and the new could be mixed.because the reality is,it can't.because i may have changed but my world hasn't.stagnant.it is.still.
and i am a person who does not possess the ability to move my world to the pace of my own.and i just refused to be in the pace of past.

so.yes.when i see back the people living the same life i used to.i get scared.not because im not living it now.but scared i might live it again.and i don't want to.
because i don't fancy it anymore.simply because,i am done with that version of world.and how i wish my world would be done with that version too.because we grow older and not younger.

but a wish remains a wish.and i figured.its alright to walk.even if you have no one walking behind with you.because the place you're walking to is far better than the place you have walked away.

and i find clarity in world.not being immobile.but moving forward.and walking away :)

God gives you legs and brains.correlate those two Neb and use it for the right 'walking-away'.

have a great Monday everyone.may you use your legs and your brains together.wisely.

food.flat.and song.

day 31.

food food and food.

i had.

flat flat and flat tummy.

i do not have.

and suddenly i woke up with the feeling of missing Liverpool.

and the load of work i have to bare.funny isn't it? i am a procrastinator who loves working?

and those empty thoughts i miss having with you.i really do.

its morning.and its not dark outside.and not cold.

i smile.but somehow my heart isn't.

and maybe its the hormones.woman.yes.that time of month is coming.soon.

but i opened and i heard a song.and i played it over and over again.

and slowly my heart smiled.

ah.how ungrateful i am today eh?

i get the chance to wake up.but all i care is what is there when i wake up.

not the reality of waking up itself.

so Neb be grateful today.and tomorrow and the day after that.for yesterday,u weren't

so God.sorry.and pretty please make me remember. :)

today.Happy Sunday everyone.have fun with your Sunday.because you might not have another one.we just don't know.cheers..

and to all Sarawakians.may your chosen leader.bring you to a better version of what life supposed to be. :)

far and away.

end of day 30.well.almost.

far far away you are.

far far away i am.

but that does not mean i want to just forget.

because my heart is linked to my memory cells.

and each one of it.is filled with you. :)

God thank you for making it a great Friday.

kid.

day 30.

kids are tiring.

but fun.

i am tired.

but had fun.

for every ounce of energy spent to entertain this particular kid.was paid well with a single smile on her face.

a naughty girl i called my niece. :)

may you find a strong faith and a wonderful dream to hold on when you grow up my dear...

so today i learnt.

a kid's world is pure.but nothing is more pure than a person whom is forgiven by Him.

and may one day.my world will be as pure as my niece's world...because i have a great God.who opens forgiveness for all.

hope everyone had a great thursday today :)

airlines.

day 29

today.i am angry.annoyed.and everything else that is bad.

every 5 minutes there is an increase of price.

and every transactions.there is an on hold status that appears.

simply because.airlines suck.

and when i grow old.yes.i am still very very young.i shall not let my daughter build an airline company.if that is even possible.
'so..no future daughter.you may not have an airline company.because i say so'

so today.i learnt to be gracious and not curse like how i would to for this such scenario.because.aeroplanes don't go to hell.i do.if i swear.

the prophet (pbuh) once said :

“ Tidak lurus iman seseorang sehingga lurus hatinya dan tidak lurus hatinya sehinggalah lurus lidahnya.”


God gave me a mouth.for many reasons.and cursing is not one of it.
be gracious Neb darling.at least you can.and aeroplanes can't :)

happy wednesday people who does not curse :)