the last 30th.

a year ago.
to the last 30th of January.
was a different thing.

a different look.
a different purpose in life.
a different responsibility.
a different knowledge.
a different life style.

simply.a different me.

indeed 365 days ago.i was different.

and at times.in between those times.i seat at the corner and wonder.
what had happened?
why am i looking in instead of looking out?

like seeing a show on the telly.
and i was Marilyn Monroe of my world.

but.as the days add up.
the colours of the show fade.
and soon it became a black and white screen.
giving you a sense of flashback.
just like how you used to see in movies.
and in my head.that movie is my life.
that actress.is me.
and those fading colours of the screen.those are my flashbacks.

i waited for this date to finally write.after many days of
disappearing into the worldly life full of flaws.
waiting just for the exact 365th day of me not becoming me.

honestly.it felt only like yesterday.cliche' it may be.
but its the truth that i am saying.

and so.i decided to spend the morning of a Monday the 30th.to sit and reminisce.
to go back to the last 30th i had.and so.i did.

it was the night before.
i remember.
i made a wish.
simply a wish i made with no hope attached to it.
to a God i barely know.
to a God i seldom worship.
and to a God i submit not.

a wish of a gift.
nothing too much.
something special wrap in a box with a big fluffy ribbons on top.
and that i did.
i wished.
and i waited.

days went by.still.no one came with a box.and nothing came dropping down from the sky.
i waited.and waited.and waited again.
until i thought.
why would a God answer my silly wish? after all..
i never answered His.
and those few weeks of that 12 months
went by.
still that wish of mine.was glued hard to this brain.
no hope.but just a thought.
of a wish of a gift.
from a God.

until one day.in between those 365 days.
He........ replied.
in a way that i would have never imagined it would.
in a form that i did not ask for.but still.He gave.

something special wrapped in a box.with fluffy ribbons on top.
something worth more than what i deserve.
something if its not from Him.then none can award me.

that something................

is.


consciousness

He gave me consciousness.

to know His deen better.
and to love Him more.

which is why.

i have
a different look.
a different purpose in life.
a different responsibility.
a different knowledge.
a different life style.

now.on this 365th day.

because.last 30th.God gave me something special.wrapped in a box.with fluffy ribbons on top.

and so my only wish for this another 30th.
may You be with me.for the next 365 days ahead.amin...

when the days are dark as the nights.

be it yesterday,today or tomorrow.
we are still not far from sorrow.
nothing seems to be enough to this life of hollows.
because ungrateful is a trend to follow.
so rush now.
run away from the dark shadows.
of heedless and horrors.
be it fast or slow.
stilll.save your soul.

dear humans.
to that God's rope.just hold.
have faith and hope.
just be bold.
anchor not your longing.
to this world of nothing.
remember the things
are never us to own.
because when the days are dark as the nights.
theres only one road left.
the road to the only One.

i am not sad.i am just waiting.

the thought of going back to the land of dark sky and cold wind is killing what ever happiness that is left inside of me.
again i will part with this familiar land i call home.
and to add to the already miserable state i am now.
fever and running nose could just be the things that would sum up to the whole misery equation.
so for this windy night that followed a long warm and dry day.
i suddenly found the urge to write in me.
must i warn that this shall be just some post with no aim.
a chance to rant without having any guilt towards paper waste.
and so.if you find that life is worth more than reading bits of my words.
click exit.and move on submitting yourself to the world that awaits.
but.if time is on your side.and that life is moving slower than a snail in a race.
i welcome you to more words of mine.....

so.what have i been up to since life begins?
to start of.
still not good enough a slave i am.
wrongly thinking i am not born a slave.
still refuse to submit my soul in totality.
even if i know.i own it not.
still chasing dream that is mostly forgotten.
not knowing what it really is.
still wandering about.
taking time to actually take the real route.
and
still not excelling in this job.
the job God has given.

this is how i feel.
still.i am still.

but don't get me wrong.i am not being ungrateful.nor am in in my somber mood.
i am just simply.waiting for a love.
not wanting to feel lonely in a middle of a crowd.
but wanting to feel so content even when i am alone.
don't get me wrong...i am not sad.
i am just looking for love.
such love filled with perfection.
to complete this one self.
and make myself human all over again.
i am not sad.i am just looking for love.
a reply to my love full of flaws.that i gave.
just a love i would wake up to with a smile.
alive and in death.
just that one single love that differentiates it all.
that love so strong.it would suffice the entire world.
that love...
that love....
i sent to my God.
and still waiting....
for His reply.
that only one love..........
from my only dear God..
that i adore so much.

and this is why.
i am not sad.i am just in my waiting mode.
waiting to get a reply.

but...along the way.in the wait.

i cheated.

played around behind His back
as if i fear not His hell.
but the most fear of all.
is when.He does not love me back.

because to love and to not be loved.
is painful.
too deep a cut have i got myself before.
between His creation and i.
such love filled with imperfections.
but this time around.
its different.
He is after all what perfection is.
so i have faith.He won't betray me.
He will love me back.......

if only....i truly love Him first.

more.

it has been long.i know.
hiding behind shadows.
conforming to the idea of no's.

no.you don't have to care.
no.you don't have to smile.
no.you don't have to be kind.
no.you don't have to help.
no.you don't have to love.
no.you don't need compassion.
no.you don't need societies.
no.you don't want interaction.
no.you must be selfish.
no.you ought to be rude.

and the list goes on....
up till the end.
to the one last no.

no.......you are not going to enter Jannah.

because.there is such thing as.

' HablumminALLAH (Relationship with Allah) and HablumminanNAS (relationship with man).

must I remember,I am no singular creation of Him.
He created us in multiples.and we are His Nas.
born in a society.from one generation to the next.
interacting and populating.

and so,to act wrongly to His other creations.
Is a fault.
that would cost me.my Jannah.

and this made me realise.

to care.
to smile.
to be kind.
to help.
to love.

others.

will just be the key to bring me close.to the Creator of the others.
so to dear Neb.get out from the shadow that darkens you.
push aside the idea of no's that empowered you.

remember.He says.

'Truly/indeed the believers (are) brothers, so reconciliate between your two brothers, and fear and obey God, perhaps you attain mercy' [49 :10]

to end this short once in a blue moon post.
i bid my farewell to the shadows....
and with a hope even higher than the mountains.
that i will one day be the best human to the humans.and the best slave to the One God.


so.may we all be more caring.offer more smile.be a lot kinder.convey more help and love even more.
starting from this lovely blessed Friday.
shall we?

of sweetness and happiness.

long long long long long...............has it been.
since i dare myself to write and to speak.
for i have been gone for more than weeks.
not wanting to be involved.
not wanting to be heard.
nor loved.
simply i thought.the thought of myself is enough.
the world can just do what it wants.and so can i.
that.to myself.i thought.
and so far far far far far.....away i go.
dismissing life at one go.
thinking.hey....don't blame me.i am just letting go.
letting go of nothing that i should hold.
and so.making a life change.from here to there.and from there to somewhere.
and so...i go.
crawling out from a deep black hole
with only God's rope to hold.
and a bag full of hopes.
and so............i did.
BUT.
the further i go.the slower my pace.
something is pulling me back in this race.
something bigger than i have ever faced.
oh heavy it is.and indeed strong it is.
my good deeds are not many.
too little to barter.
for a happy life after life itself.
and so the struggle began.
the end battle that i thought.was just the beginning.
far more to face and to fight.
not sure if my fist could hit as hard.
but still i was not born a loser.
and my God is too kind to let me be one.
so why should i submit?
to this short term failure?
to this short term suffer?
when my God offered me.
a long lasting life of sweetness and happiness
if only...........i am patient.for this short term of period. :)

"Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning.'' (39:10)

a letter to Allah.

to God.i wrote a letter.
this late afternoon.
with my beating heart as the paper and my running blood as the ink.
simply because.
i miss Him.
honestly.
subconsciously.


and so i wrote.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i have been away.not too far.neither too near.
consumed by life.again.
still breathing Your air.drinking Your water.looking at Your sky.and living Your soul.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
how have you been? Superior as always.that.i know.
me? well..i have been here and there.still on this land You own.
have been missing You.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
where have you been?
do You miss me?
or have i become those You dismiss?
truthfully.i feel bad.
for being sad.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
where have i been?
that should be the question.
shamefully to know.i have no answer.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i have wronged this life.
the life You gave.
not for free.
but to be paid with gratefulness.
but did i?that.....
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
i know this life is brief.
nothing to compare with the life after life that You will give
but still.
i am eager to think it will...last.
what a fool i am.
i am sure You know.

Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
things have been rough.
a misplaced puzzle.
from day to day.
it has.
i am sure You know.

and finally.
Hey You up.high.and above..........there.
at this moment in time.
Your tests.
i want to excel.
so make me strong.
because when everything ends.
coming back to You.
in pureness.
is what i long.......
for.
until then,dear Allah.....

With Love,
the soul You own.

the half a metre glass gate.

Friday it is now.how fast can the time be?
but who am i to say.when i am somebody who does not run for time.somebody who wastes it instead.
last night was full moon.i was out by the sea.and it was nothing but nice.
in spite of how tumbled my world is.the reality around seems to be doing well.
the moon is still there on the sky.still far to reach.but.there to see.and my feet is still on the land of God.
still marking footsteps.but not deep enough to be marked as a point.
oh.how beautiful God made life.even when your heart is ripping to pieces.you still have your eyes to admire
the countless beauty He offered.

so today.a morning Friday was greeted with again a heavy feeling.but the view of last night will be kept as memory.
to sooth the heart that is still healing.
and one thing triggered me to write.one word that came.
a word that made me ponder.how to really define it.

SCREEN.

"A system for preliminary appraisal and selection of personnel as to their suitability for particular jobs." so the online dictionary says.

yes.that kind of screen.

that word made me realise.as a human.we go through the process of screening through out our entire lives.even without us knowing it.
we are indeed living in a life full of screening.
from time to time we are faced with this screening course that marks the point of how valuable our self is in this world.
the process of getting in through a school.a job.even to a life of a person.we are being screened.every single day.
because the world is just a place where people run for perfection.the best will succeed and the rest? will just be left out.
ever wonder why there is such thing as interview.evaluation.exams.and even dating? all of that is a whole lot of what screening is.
we are born.we go to the process of health screening.we happen to be a healthy child.we grow up.we get into school.we have exams.we pass it.we get in to colleges that we want.and when the learning process ends.we search out for jobs.and if our CV is good enough.we get the job we want.and we meet the love of our life.they get to know us.go out.talk.maybe a few laughs.and if you're the one.they'd marry you.you get kids.you live the remaining of your life.and finish it as the way you want it to........and....by the end of the day..........the whole cycle begins again.and again.and again.and again.

and....that is what screening is.you screen each and every time you move a step in life.and some among others..just aim to be the best in it.
but...................................................................................where is all that going?what is the real beginning and what is the real ending?and that made me realise.i need to ponder on this.and so.....the 'ponderation' begins....



subconsciously.without realising it.most of us.forgot the much bigger screening process that we are in.a long process that ends the minute you take that last breath of yours.
a screening process that you are born for it.
a process that takes a whole new mind set and a whole new ways to succeed.
and a process with a complete,fair,perfect screening.a process that marks your beginning and your end.
the only screening that is worth the time.the effort.and the attention.
and that only screening is nothing but the screening of God.

yes.some of us may not have even been to a school.
not able to even get a job.
never met the love of their lives.
never walked through out the process of screening in his or her life that world has to offer.
but still.there is this one screening in life that not a single soul can exclude itself.the long screening process made by God.and to be experienced by His creations.that special thing He created.so that we know.
life is not just about living,dying and in between of that.
but it is an on going experience of gratitude towards the capability of the Creator to create.
and an experience to give back our thanks to His never ending bless.
to that.
we are living.through a far more important screening.a crucial process of to be wanted by God.
thus making life an essential need to succeed.

because.we are being screened by God.not just everyday.but for every breath that we owe Him.
to be chosen as the best among the best He had.should be the only thing that matters.

and it all begins.the minute we opened our eyes.
the minute we made that promise to God.that this life we have.is a period of returning the many thanks to Him.
indeed.we are being screened.
the opportunities we get in this world to always break the distant we have with Him is His way in telling us that He chose us.
but how far it goes.
that depends on how bad we want to be chosen by Him.
and at the end of the day.to even move a limb is an opportunity.
but how and what we move it for,that depends on how much we want God to love us.is it as much as we love Him.or maybe more?
So for everyday that I'm living now it is not the fear of hell that is haunting me.it is the fear of not having God to look at me.and to pick me out from billions of His creations.because.what is more fearful than not having your Creator looking down at you pleasantly.

and this whole post reminded me of what happened just a few days back.
as i was walking in a rush going out from the library.passing through that security machine.and when the alarm sounded.
that half a meter glass gate closed.not allowing me to go out.then only i realised.i have not returned the books that were in my hand.
and for a moment.i was scared.
and if that happens later when i face that gate of God.it wont be a half metre glass gate.and it will not just be a light screening i have faced before.and just the thought of not getting through it made me realise..oh how much thanks have i not returned back to Him.

but still......i sin everyday.in every way.and still....i want to be chosen.
nonetheless.
because people might run for perfection in this world.but perfection is the place that is waiting on the other side of the gate.

so to Friday.make me less sinful.so the hope of being chosen is still there for me to hold on.
and to all. Happy Friday,and may you be among those who God picks. :)

a seat and a juice.

long have i been away.
the world has indeed occupied my world.
and it feels like there is no end to it.
so here i crawl back in the slowest pace.
still thinking that it is a race.
but if its a chase for God's attention.no harm for me to embrace it.
is it?

so a long pause deserves a well said lesson.
i thought.
but what shall i write?
many days have i prolonged it.
just to find that right phrase.word.even alphabet ready to change a world.
and if its no one's world.than maybe at least mine.
so i took a time on my own.
a very long time indeed.
until i forgot.that i have a duty.
a duty to speak.and to speak only of God.
so.in finding the right thing to say.
i actually found the right thing to do instead.
and to finally see what is needed to be said.
i found out that.i should say what i did.
and here goes the story of a long pause i had.

'season changing soon.i figured its a norm to not feel good.and that became the reason.for the road i was approaching.i became quiet.thinking that i should.making distant from each angle of my world's circle.the distant i made was not only with the people around.but the biggest gap of all.is the distant with the one up above.and truthfully saying,i was suffocating not in water.but in life itself.a soul trapped in between reality and hope.so i thought....maybe.just maybe its just the changing of the season.and oh boy.was i wrong indeed.
days passed by.i decided to decide on my own.not taking any accounts of the people around.and for each decision i made.i made it with emotion.switching off the rational button of the brain.too consumed with the idea.that this is just what i need to do.
and as usual.at the weakness i have.when the faith is at its lowest point.there came along the best of evil in the world.the setans themselves.from around.and from within.the pseudo sweetness of the world begin to sipped in.and for that,it became bitter.
and i began to stumble.the long journey seems too exhausting.when will it end? unsatisfied i was.very.
my feet hurt.and my throat is dry.i deserve a long seat and a glass of juice.don't i? i should reward myself.foolishly i thought.thinking that my reward is better than God's.
so i did.i astray myself.taking that seat and sipping that juice i wanted.long enough to miss it.but not satisfying enough to long it.and after a while.that sweet taste of reward became the most bitter of reminder.and the heart i have inside this chest of mine is like 2 stones put together.it becomes heavy.and it gets harder to carry.
and just the thought of turning back to where i was in life.is just scarier than the memory of that life itself.
i had enough of my own self created reward.i began to scream silently.break me free!where is that rope that i was holding on?
where is that God i was missing?
and to my knowledge.He was just there.waiting for me to drop a hye.during my days of arrogance.oh how i forgot how much He cares.and caring enough of Him to drop reminders along the way of a forgetful filled journey.
so for the past few days.He gave me sadness that came with no reason.but only His reason.and that reason is just that He wants me to think of Him.not once in a while.and not after awhile.but.for every time this heart beats.and for every moment this soul is alive.because simply....i was just being arrogant to put hope to the world.and to myself.which led to endless disappointment
because what better hope there is.either than the One who created hope itself.'


and so after the long pause i had.
i realised.for every hardness God gives.He brings along the best reason for it.
and to put hope on anything but Him.is just simply a false hope.
and to not hope at all.is just a waste of soul.
so to my soul.and 7 billion souls out there.be happy that life can be hard.rest assured that there lies the best reason from God.
afterall...He is the best.isn't He ? :)
and for that same reason of being sad.i am happy now :)
yet another phase that have passed.yet another smile that i will end it with.


'hope is too big and reality is just too thin to be trapped in' -a creation of God-

lighter or heavier?your choice.

in the midst of ending a project.the first of the year.
i was caught in the middle of stress and giving up.
nothing seems to be easy anymore.and it gets true everyday.reality slowly slipping into the fantasy world that is almost fading.
and for a moment.i came to realise.that the longer we are on this earth.the harder it gets.
simply because.we are not stagnant creations of God.we change.we evolve.we grow.

so.this post.today.is for all the unnecessary stresses that have befallen me.
so that it shall become a reminder one day.that.....
'Neb..life gets harder each day.but it gets easier for you to realise it when the harder it gets'
and so..the entry begins......

'i was not asleep.not just yet.and my hands are still moving.reaching out for the things that needed to be finished.my body is working.but my mind was at a cross line between dead or alive.and i looked up at the phone screen.not surprised with the hour it showed.i figured.this is what life should be.you work hard.and somehow some way.there lies reward.material wise i presumed with that intention.i worked hard that night.hoping that at one point.it would be enough.and i would finally have something to show the next day.
a couple of yawns and eye bags shall not stop me.i-must-persevere.to myself i told.and hours passed by.the bed seemed nearer to me than it was hours ago.and my body would like to shut itself down for that moment.but i control the switch.and only i have the power.so i thought.ignorantly.
the constraint stressful milieu continues.the days after the next day went by.and i begin to find myself caught in between the net of stressfulness.i panicked and at times unsatisfied.with what the world has to offer.i began to work even harder,thinking that.the best of me is not the best of all.and what is the best of all will only be determined by those outside there.those other creations of God.like me.with blood in their veins and a heart under their ribs.
and so.their thoughts.their judgements.their opinions.and their decisions.became.the center of a small radius circle i call.my life.
and before i know it.in a very subtle way.the aim of life itself has changed its course.and there i was walking on a different road.again.changing my aim of life to such petty thing.a thing we call.WORLD.
and people's appreciation.judgement.attention.decision.opinion.became.the main focus.all over again.
and for each and every thing i do,the world and the things inside it mark its path right after mine.and for every line that is not align with the radius of my circle shall bring disappointment to me.and from there.all stress related things were finally born.
and there i was.becoming the central station for all the trains with bad feelings to make its pit stop.
.........................
and this happens to not just me.at least not just me.because somewhere out there.near or far.there are people who are willingly trapping themselves into the net of stressfulness too.simply because they conform to the idea of pleasing God's creations first.and then only God Himself.
because at times in life.we want to be liked.loved.accepted.admired.addored.praised.appreciated.
to a point.when we don't get it.we strive ourselves too much to realise that at the end of the day.nothing could beat the pleasure of a God towards you rather than the pseudo pleasure of His imperfect creations.
and that is why.its best to aim your life.to God.because what ever happens.He does not disappoint you.like how His creations will.and when you do that.what ever feedback you get from the world.it will not strain you.and you would not be covered with disappointment thus you will not stress yourself.
and so.
after a while.while i was cutting the card boards.and switching my brain on and off in a middle of a very cold night.i realised.i must stop burdening this soul of mine.stop torturing this body with tones of unnecessary stress.stop aiming to be the best of all.
because.when the time comes.i am not even doing all these for myself.i am doing it for God.and He'll judge me for my efforts.not for the worldly things i have achieved.and to be the best.is to be the best of yourself.God is not cruel.the world is not a race between each other.it is something for us to embrace.instead.

so hey.dear souls out there.lighten yourself.its not them that you need to impress.its Him.... :)
have a good Friday with a lighter soul people.

save me.

Forgive me Allah.for i have sin.

and the chronology of the days that passed was followed closely with many unwanted sins.
and now i am left with a heavy guilt.that this soul can't seem to bare.
indeed.i sinned.
and indeed i am ashamed.not to myself.but to God.
at a moment,the wrong doings are light enough to carry.and blur enough to be seen.
but after a while,when devil has left the building.
this soul is burdened with a massive weight of regrets and a clear view of my sinful self.
and restless i became.but not restless enough to repent.
oh my.what have become to this new faith that i am so proud of?
days passing.to speak to God became a difficult task.hiding behind the veil of sins,too embarrass to reveal the true self.
my clothes are not white enough.and my heart is as black as the night.
how will i speak?
when this vocal opening of mine,a gift from God
speaks nothing of God and nothing near to admirable deeds.
i am trapped.the heart says.
behind these bars of ribs.
and the wall of flesh.
in this dark space.
yes.i am a prisoner to the body of a prison.
and indeed this is
another phase of life.
another test of faith.
and another of my old self that i should shed away.
so to the good people around me.
please be near.
provide me the spark of fire.
to light this dimmed torch i have.
for i have a really long journey to go.
to meet this one thing i have almost lost.
that one thing, i call.......
my clean heart.

a weather.

and today it rained.lightly.slowly.and long.
and the wind became closer than a beat of a heart that i hold.
and the weather became a path of reminiscence.
the reminiscence of the day i first met you.
almost a year has it been now.almost a year we have met.
and not even a single day that passes by without you not in mind.and in heart.
and today.i walked.and drops of rain touched my covered body,sipping through layers of clothes
and reaching the skin.my skin.
and i looked up and wondered.
what have i done in this world of a traveler?
what deeds have i accomplished in this brief journey of a creation ?
simply................what?
to be so blessed to have encountered you........


oh dear Faith.

so don't you hide from me now.
reminisce the weather.
reminisce the moment.
because.........what am i.
if i have never met you.


Faith.


so don't you part with me.
because you are the only bridge to a land full of gaps.
to the other side of where....
my God.awaits.
take care now faith.
don't you leave me yet.just don't

running.fast.

run!
run!
run Neb.......

silently i told myself.
not focusing on what is in front.back.and sides.
instead.i was silently in a battle.
a heated battle that only i can feel it.
a battle to fight that is hard.
a battle that i have lost once.
and will soon lose again.
if only.
i have fought enough.

their shooting arrows at me.
and i ducked once.
again another line came in.
and i bravely blocked it.
that was close i told myself.
but...........
as i was approaching the hill.
too confident with the idea of an almost victory...
partly proud of grasping something that i have not yet earned.
a long sharp arrow was on its way.
aiming straight to my back.
forcing all the limbs in the body to be numb.
the eyes i have are in front.
and my views are to the hill.
the back is a pitch black darkness.
not a single light is shone.
again.my views are to the front.
and all i want is to be on top.
the arrow is rushing fast.
aiming for my limbs.
so am i.
running.for the half life that is still left.
hunger and thirst became closer than anything.
but my feet are still moving.
i know there are only two end results to this battle.
and i know i must either stop or run.
to parish or to survive.......
in this battle.
i call.....
the battle of life.
with devils as my enemy.
faith as my weapon.
and...God as my aim.

so today.when you open those two eyes you have.
the minute you are alive again from that deep slumber you took.
just know.
that you are back in the battle.
battle of life.
devils' arrows are everywhere.
and what you have is one.
a faith to God.
so please know you are amongst the creations of God.
created to fight...
the hunger and thirst of your lust.
the sharp fast arrows of a despise army of God
and
the weak shelter of faith.you have left.
so for today.run!run as fast as you can.
because God's rewards are nothing to be compared of to this world.
and if you fall.and fail
His pardon exceeds a mountful of failures.
so..........
RUN!
for a better faith.

and a life.after life itself.

sabiqu ila maghfirah min Rabbikum wajannatin 'ardhuha ka'ardhi sama' wal ard..
and Run towards forgiveness from your Lord and heaven which is as wide as the sky and the earth. (Hadid:21)

our actions.

the season is changing soon.
falling dry leaves are everywhere now.
and i am still here.awed by the idea of how fast time moves.
wondering.
how much time is there left?
to walk.
in this journey of pleasing God.
and that. i wonder.
have i even truly pleasured Him at all.all this whilst?

so for today.a walk after class opened these eyes i have.
and a chain of reaction became the topic that i want to write about.
finally.something to write after days of attaching myself too much to the world.
until i forgot.
that God is waiting.

so.chain of reaction.it is then...and so it begins...like this.

has it ever triggered our minds,of how our actions form invisible chain that connects us?
and how the littlest thing we perform in life could be the key to a door of another person's life?
i have.
and from there.i believe that each and everyone of us are small micro dots that form a circle.and the actions we do in life are actually the lines we draw to connect us all.
invisible lines to our eyes.but not to God.

at times.without realising it.we tend to live in a bubble.thinking that,the things we do are the things that will only affect ourselves.but.we forgot.that God created a nation of humans.not with single quantity.WE are His multiple creations that share the same land and sky.and that WE are some among the many wonders of His power.

but.................................................still.

why is it so hard for us.to see the chain?
why is it so hard for us.to grasp the idea that the things we do.could be the next thing that could connect us with another soul, separated even by time and space?
why is it so hard for us.to simply take time to bother.that there is no such thing as bubble life.and that our simplest actions could mean more to another being?

the answer to that.is simple.
we indulged ourselves in a pool of selfishness.too much.to even care.
comfort our minds to our wrong doings.too much.to even notice.
thinking that.................'yes.i am a single creation of God.and my actions would not matter to others'

but.what we perceive through our minds,at times do not correlate with the reality.
because.everything you do.even a simple gesture of kindness.smiling itself.could raises somebody's happiness to a level.that we could never imagine.
and.
even a simple bad deed.a frown on a face.could destroy somebody's hope for a lovely day ahead.we just don't know.

and this made me realise.how much i have wronged the world in so many ways,in thinking that my actions are only mine to face.without realising that maybe.just maybe.i have somehow affected another person's life.thousand of miles away.years of time ago.with a simple action.as simple as expressions.without me realising it.

and so.to all the actions we do in this journey of pleasing God.please keep in mind.that the things we do.are not only for us.but it is also for another soul out there.and even if there isn't any.just know.there is always God to witness it all.and for every action,make it a pleasure.to Him.
because.aren't we all in the same journey of pleasing Him?

promises.

long have i kept myself silent.
too attach to the world.
until i forgot what i owe God.
forgive me.

it crossed me this morning.as i was walking.
that.sometimes.when we distance ourselves so far.
it became hard to simply re-track our journey.
as if.all those footprints we had vanished into thin air.
walking on a sand with wind behind every step.
and for every step.we leave nothing behind.
and for the time being.
the wind behind me is blowing hard.
and my footprints are as light as feathers.
soon will be gone.
if i stay stagnant.and do nothing about it.
i'll be gone.soon.

so.

come on Neb!
keep your promises to God.
have you forgotten how kind He has been all this whilst?
for every tears,He kept a smile for you.
and for every pain,He gave you the antidote.
so come on... Neb.
keep your promises.
mark your footprints firm to the ground.

and.for the time being.
world.please don't be so charming.
because i am scared that i might fall for you.
and i know i am falling for the wrong thing.
when there's no God in everything i do....

For every 'I' .

so my days have been short so far.where at times i do find it rather unfulfilled.like a journey that will end soon.and i am a traveler with a heavy backpack on the back.with an empty tummy to carry along.
yes.
that is what i am for the time being.
a heavy and a hungry traveler.

so.a question for an early morning in a cold,gloomy country that i woke up to.greeted me.and it goes something like this....
why we do the things we do in life?

and.i wondered.why?

why do i do the things i do in life?
yes.why?

for a moment.my mind went away.and my heart hides itself.
and by few minutes.i truly can not find an answer for that.
God.have i not known all these whilst.the reason behind every action of what i made this life of?
and.........
finally.
a very weak and selfish answer appeared.
and it starts with the word. I.

yes.i do the things in life.
to serve 'I'.
yes.i do the things in life.
to comfort 'I'.
yes.i do the things in life.
for 'I'.
and yes.i do the things in life.
with 'I' as the sole purpose.

and from there.i came to know.
i am indeed.a really selfish creation of Him
how shameful can this get.i told myself.and yes.it gets even more shameful as i endeavour further in this question that i created myself.

to finally answer it i became sick to the stomach.and by then,i understood what it means by being disgusted.
this is what it is.
disgusted by the fact that i thought i must put 'I' in every answer to every question there is about life.my life.
without knowing.life itself is not even mine to hold.
and that brings me back to the first part of the question.
WHY?

why do i do the things i do in life?
and after a while.
my mind came back.and my heart appeared itself behind the cover.
and they answered..

for every question there is in the world.only one name that could fill every hole in all the answers.
and if i change that 'I' to that name.
my life shall become a pool of happiness.
and everything shall make sense.
with just a name?
and i look further.and that name is written everywhere.
even to the closest thing i own.my jugular vein.
and there is only one and only one name.
and its ALLAH.

so.yes.at the end of answering.
I AM still a traveler with a heavy backpack on the back.with an empty tummy to carry along.
my heavy backpack are the sins i carry for every 'I' that i put in every answer i gave.
and my empty tummy.is a place where i should have filled it with one name for every question that came across life.
because......
why do we do the things we do in life?
simple.we do it for.....
Allah.

finally.
a question became a hope.
a hope that one day.
i shall be that traveler.
with such a light backpack on the back.
and for every step i take.i'll take it with a smile on the face....
because by then..
my tummy will already be full. :)

to all.lets start packing lightly.
and start our journey with a really good filling meal.
because.if we are travelers.lets be the best traveler of all.
and if you question why we do things we do in life.
just answer..
oh! we do it for Allah!
because in reality.and in fantasy.
that is a true answer of a true traveler.
Happy Friday to all. indeed.

far but near.

the sky and the earth,are far apart.
but one could never exist without the other.
indeed they are far but near.

away.i have been.
fast days visited me.
and soon i'll be free.

again now in the other side of the world.
breathing a different air.
and bathing with different water.
but i know.
no matter how far i go.
i am always near.
simply because....

there is not an inch of space on the earth.
that does not belong to my God.
so i'll be near.even when i am far.

and to begin a beginning.
protect me O Allah.
for You have protected me well from that human devil i used to know.

to all.i'll write again.soon.

bigger than bigger.

humans.
never seem to be far from mistakes.
yet humans.
never to be far from His mercy.
because.there is no bigger mistake bigger than His mercy.
so except your imperfection humans!
for you have a perfect Creator.to always forgive.
and that.......
is what we call.

the bless of having Allah as God.


so Wednesday started quite early.
and the moment these eyes open.
mistakes became my loyal companion.again.
and for yesterday and the days of days before.i have wronged so many.
but the one i wronged most.is myself.
so to start a Wednesday
i start it off with a reminder in mind.
that today i might make mistakes again.
and it might be even worse than the mistakes i have done before.
because i am a human.
and the need to conform to my worldly lust is just in my vein.
but this one thing i will keep in mind.
even what ever happens today.yesterday or tomorrow Neb.how big a mistake that have been done.still in doing.or will be done.
please.please.and please.return back to your Lord.
He'll be there.so take your u-turn Neb
because for every mistake.there is forgiveness in repentance.
and for every human.there is One God to search for.
and if you ever lose your way.look out for Him.
His name is Allah.

to all.may it be a beautiful Wednesday with mistakes and a lot of U-turns.
happy Wednesday to all. :)

Jiwa Terasa Kosong?

"... Dan Allah mencintai orang-orang yang berbuat kebaikan." - (Surah Ali-Imran : 148)

Duhai insan,
Jiwamu terasa kosong?
Perlu peneman,
Kekasih hati yang prihatin,
Pengisi jiwa ragamu itu.
Tapi tahukah kamu,
Cinta yang kamu dambakan itu menyakitkan.
Sering pula ia mengecewakan,
Selagi dia belum halal untukmu,
Selagi itu ia menyeksakan jiwamu.
Kamu dan dia belum ada ikatan,
Itu hakikat!
Meletakkan harapan...
Hanya bakal mengundang kekecewaan demi kekecewaan,
Kerana semuanya, masih tiada kepastian.

Hatimu kosong?
Isikanlah hatimu itu,
Jangan biar kekosongan menyelubung dirimu,
Berimanlah.
Yakinilah.
Bahawa Dia itu sentiasa dekat,
Amat-amat dekat,
Amat amat amat dekat.

Dia tahu kamu sedang berduka,
Dia Maha Tahu betapa berat ujian yang menimpa,
Dia mendengar segala rintih jiwamu itu,
Dirimu itu milik-Nya,
Dan pada-Nya jua ada pengubat jiwamu yang lara.

Isi hatimu...
Dengan cinta-Nya,
Syukurmu atas nikmat-nikmat yang kamu peroleh tidak terhitung jumlahnya.
Pengharapan yang kamu gantung hanya pada-Nya.
Sungguh,
Ia dapat menenangkan jiwa,
Setenang-tenangnya.

Bertawakkallah kepada-Nya
Yakinlah,
Dia punyai aturan untukmu,
Dan pastinya ia yang terbaik!
Sedang manusia itu hanya mampu bersangka-sangka...

Duhai insan,
Isi hati kecilmu itu...
Kerana sesungguhnya Dia sentiasa ada...!


Jiwa Terasa Kosong?

patience is virtue?or patience is happiness?

many days of Syawal have we lived.
many type of victories may we have achieved.i hope.
because indeed it is a month of victory.isn't it not?

so for today a simple topic for a relaxing Monday shall i serve.

patience.

yes.patience.
a simple word to utter.a simple idea to grasp.and a simple lesson to teach.
but...a very hard thing to execute.

because.patience is not something that one is fond of..when
anger comes to visit.
pain comes to haunt
and misery becomes closer than a close friend.

have we ever realized
we often say,
patience is virtue.
and in Islam..patience is iman itself.

but.why is it so hard at times.to really let patience become apart of us and we apart of it?
are we trying to tell ourselves that..
we don't aim for virtuousness?
and that we don't care of what become to our iman?

surely for anyone with a right mind would answer no.
yet....why do we let ourselves become the slave of impatience?

for me.
patience is a thing that becomes so familiar yet rare.
so familiar to hear and sometimes do.but so rarely would myself feel the sweetness of patience itself.
thus,this makes me wonder.have i ever truly experience patience all this whilst?or was it another false definition of what patience is.

and from there.i embarked to yet another self exploration.
crawling deep into a hole where everything begins.the heart.
so for today and yesterday.i asked myself.

"Neb,do you understand what patience is to begin with?"

and silently a shameful answer whispered back.
NO.

we have been taught for years.since we were small.
to be patient.to be tolerant.to be a person.
but what does it actually mean to execute patience and tolerance so that we would one day be labeled as a person?
and followed after that.how does the reaction from the action of patience really feel?

so today i decided to share.and i hope.there lies patience in all of you who is reading.so that you'll reach the last word of this post.
after all...its all about being patient in reaching the end eh?

so.to begin with.
we all know,patience is always commonly linked to
anger,pain and misery.
because to execute patience when you are in the midst of joy seemed to be rather unorthodox to the whole idea of what patience is.
but i would say.happiness and joy is closer to patience rather than anger,pain and misery.
why so?
the answer for that lies in the true understanding of what patience really means.

lets take an example of an everyday life.
everyday.we are constantly exposed to the opportunity of being angry.of experiencing pain.and of dealing with misery.
so to not perish and lose the essence of the human spirit in us.we deal all of that with one strong weapon that God has given to the humans and for the humans to make full use.and that weapon is one and only..patience itself.
and for this,we humans are left with choices.whether to apply that weapon in our everyday battle with life or to simply chuck it away and waste that wonderful gift God has given.

so to me.the whole lesson begins with a yesterday.
for yesterday and today.i was faced with a test and for that test i have prepared myself with God's weapon.patience itself.
but along the way in using the weapon of patience,there was a slight thought.and a pinch of feeling.that came with it.which i do not know.and for a millisecond.i questioned myself.i am being patient aren't i?

and that is where it all came about.
and from that one question i came to realise that i was hiding behind the idea of patience.when i was not.
because as i try to understand it more.
i try to reason with what i have known.
and what i know is that.my God creates beauty.in everything.
and He promised for every good deed there lies mountful of benefits.

"...any who believe in God and the Last Day,and work righteousness ,shall have their reward with their Lord;on them shall be no fear nor shall they grieve" Quran 2:62

and it struck me.i was not being patient.because through out in thinking i was,i was also at the same time in fear and grieve.
shamefully i thought i have experienced patience.
when i tolerate with my siblings.
when i give in to an argument with my friends.
when i willingly waited for hours for a delayed flight.
and simply when i pardon anyone who simply cut the que.
all those times.

but now only i realise.in all those things i did.if not much,there was still a slight of grieve.anger.annoyance.and fear.in all the actions of patience i did.

that gave me some sense that i was not being patient.i was just at that moment handling things with caution.
and through all that.i came to understand why happiness and joyfulness are closer to patience rather than anger,pain and misery.
because,when you truly become patient.you are actually at the same time happy.and that is truly what 'to be patient with an open heart' really means.
you open your heart so big for patience to take place until what you feel is only happiness.
to be happy in patience itself.
MasyaAllah...what a strong weapon indeed it is God gave us.and it is a shame for us.if we do not know how to use it.

so from today.because of yesterday.i tell myself. not just to be patient.but to be patient happily.because only then will you know the true ultimate sweetness of patience itself.

and this is why...........i must be patient.because i want to be happy.
simply because.happiness is patience itself........ :)

lastly.thank you for being patient in reaching the last word.may you gain something out of it.insyaAllah.

losing in winning.

the days are coming to an end.
and soon i'll be up in the sky.
and that foreign land will again become home.
and i shall again once more.miss this place i call.my real home.

so basically Eid was quiet and moody for me.
hormones kicked in at such a wrong timing.
but hormone or not,i should have been able to fight it.
and what a shame.i lost to my own mood.what a shame.
so.i shall say. even though Eid Fitri is celebrated for victory,
my victory lies in Ramadhan..and my lost.is to my own mood. :(