amusing no more.

so i went around KL today.


nothing but a rush of tension filled the air.
a sense of suffocation.
tense.
everything seems to be moving so fast and my pace is of no longer at its level.


for someone who was born and bred in KL
KL has been considered as my village since  i was a child.
born to both parents who are from KL itself.
years of raya were spent in the city.
with not even once. have i ever experienced the real proper kampung ambiance.
and with all those circumstances.
it would be befitting enough that i should be of norm with the city life.
and the hectic it has to offer.
wouldn't it?


but.

today.

today was different. today is the day that i realised.

that slowly.
i am losing that KL in me.

i no longer find joy nor peace in a place i claimed mine.

truthfully.
i have always loved KL.
to its core.
heck.
i grew up it in.
how can i not?
i used to know almost all the streets,the restaurants,the 'in' places.
everywhere.


indeed.i was.

the city girl.

i remember.

since i was a child.
we never had a proper kampung to visit on every first day of raya.
each raya was spent on empty streets at the heart of the city.
simply because.
that was.
our kampung.

in short.

KL was home.
and i have always loved home.

but today.
today was different.

after driving around it.
nothing in KL now i find amusing.
nothing seems of good interest.
i suffocate in the middle of the streets.
hating the ambiance the city has to offer.
almost every where i go.
tall buildings filled the sky.
grey tar roads criss cross the land.
shops are increasing in number.
people are hustling life from day to day like there is no tomorrow.
cars are found in abundance.
trees are rare to be seen.

it seems like the whole city are in a rush of an unknown ending.

and this.
shouldn't be news to me.

but.
had it been just recently?
or have i been blinded all this whilst?

still.
KL becomes even more suffocating.
cramped up with no ease of joy.
a pure point of materialism to infest.
capitalism becomes so empowered.

and without realising it.
i have been surrounded by it for years.
years before.

and this gave a second thought.

i can't be raising a child in this manner of milieu!
heck i can't even raise myself in it!

it seems all too vain.
i can't lie about not loving it before.

the late night rendezvous.
the endless food.
the shopping malls.
the essence of a city.

i can't lie.


i used to love it.

but now.
i am slowly losing KL.
and KL is slowly losing me.

it's no longer the city i can relate to.

i don't think KL has changed.
KL is still KL.5 years ago.10 years ago.

but i.

i have changed.
and now i just wish.

a small house within 2 valleys.
would be sufficient enough.

because.
if you really think about it.

how far can we actually go in development if it doesn't even bring ease to the soul.

being stuck in traffic jams nearing the time of solah.
being overwhelmed with materials to forget solah.
being rushed by the world just for a mere benefit.

is just.

not what i aim for a future.

now. probably.
i am no longer the KL girl.
but i am sure.
the land of God is vast.
may i find just the right place to settle when i am old enough.

quiet and peaceful.
so that i can hear my own heart beats.
in the midst of remembering Allah.

o Allah.
bless me a place where it becomes easier to remember You.

insyaAllah.